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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

keep the money

135 replies

lessonslearnt · 07/03/2023 16:32

long time lurker, years ago when i was 23 l had a very intense affair with a man l met. It ended after his wife found out and threatened to dump him at my door. I didn't want this so it ended. He was more invested in it and tried to come back after the dust had settled but l said no. I regret it and put it all behind and have moved on, its 2,5yrs since. During the affair this man looked after me financially used to help me pay for some bills etc. We haven't actually seen each other but once in a while he will email/ text me not really saying anything but asking how l am and if l am happy. Anyway last week he put a large amount of money in my account, at 1st l was confused as l didn't know where it came from but on checking reference l realised it was him. I have not asked for money from him, infact l have not contacted him. I emailed him and he said it was an inheritance and wanted to share it with me as l helped him when he was down? he said not to tell his wife as she would leave but has declined to give me his details so l can send back. Whilst l am tempted to keep it l do not want to be linked to him at all. I am also afraid of his wife as she was horrible when she found out about the affair and threatened to drop him and his children at my parents door where l lived at that time. I do not wish to go through that again.

OP posts:
Starseeed · 07/03/2023 16:34

You can probably ask your bank to reverse the transaction

BourbonBon · 07/03/2023 16:35

She was horrible when she found out about her husband having an affair?? Wouldn’t you be??

Keep the money and run off into the sunset with him, let his poor wife find someone decent and you keep the booby prize

Lampzade · 07/03/2023 16:38

Send it to his wife.

DPotter · 07/03/2023 16:43

Do you have his home address ? If so write out a cheque for the full amount he sent you and return it to him. He can use it as a way back in so don't keep it. If all else fails donate it to Women's Aid or your local women's refuge

purplecorkheart · 07/03/2023 16:56

Might be worth contacting the bank and asking them if they can do a reverse (I have no idea if they can or not). Do you both have revoult? You should be able to transfer the money via that if you both have it with just his mobile number.

Shoxfordian · 07/03/2023 17:01

You have no integrity

ICanHideButICantRun · 07/03/2023 17:01

How old are you now? Do you have a partner or children? How much did he send you?

BMW6 · 07/03/2023 17:02

Well you could always donate it to a charity.

Snoopystick · 07/03/2023 17:04

I think he’s wanting to wheedle his way back in. Contact the bank and see if they can reverse it. If not I’d transfer into a separate account and let it sit there for a while and let him know you are not going to spend it, wait to see what happens. I would be tempted to take some legal advice and then donate it.

BourbonBon · 07/03/2023 17:11

Send it to his wife, tell her it’s a gift for the kids

Coffeecoffeeinmytummy · 07/03/2023 17:13

I reckon his wife is about to divorce him and he's trying to hide money. He's hoping that if he gives it to you, you won't spend it (or at least most of it) and then at a later date he will weasel his way back with you and will then get it back, either directly or by getting you to pay for stuff for both of you.

MichelleScarn · 07/03/2023 17:18

Also thinking he's doing this to hide the inheritance!

Dacadactyl · 07/03/2023 17:20

I'd give it to charity. And I mean every last penny. I'd also block him on everything so he couldn't contact me again and change banks.

I know you say "he looked after me financially during the affair" but I'd have just felt like a prostitute for that. And that feeling would still stay with me now and i wouldnt want any of his money.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 07/03/2023 17:20

Give it to a charity food bank and block him.

Original poster
lessonslearnt · 07/03/2023 17:22

Sorry l don't know how to tag everyone, l am in a relationship now and it's going well, we are hoping to try for children soon. I have no desire to revisit that chapter again, like l said l am afraid of the wife and would not want to speak to her ever. If it wasn't this l would send it to her but she will accuse me of being a homewrecker.I like the charity thing, if I decide on this l will let him know l don't want him to think l kept it tempting as it might be. I will google reverse payments. Its a lot of money to give someone and l think if l keep it he will want more. His children are 18, 16 and 13

OP posts:
Hotvimto3 · 07/03/2023 17:23

Coffeecoffeeinmytummy · 07/03/2023 17:13

I reckon his wife is about to divorce him and he's trying to hide money. He's hoping that if he gives it to you, you won't spend it (or at least most of it) and then at a later date he will weasel his way back with you and will then get it back, either directly or by getting you to pay for stuff for both of you.

I agree. My ex did something similar prior to divorce

Dacadactyl · 07/03/2023 17:25

He's a right scratter. I wouldn't tell him what I was doing with the money. He could think what he likes. Block him, give the money away and don't enter into any sort of dialogue with this "man".

Sassyfox · 07/03/2023 17:25

I would tell him that he either gives you his bank details so you can send it back, or you’re telling his wife.

You don’t want to be dragged into this and you don’t want to ruin your current relationship over it.

Make it very clear that you want nothing more to do with him by refusing the money.

Can the bank not return it?

Sassyfox · 07/03/2023 17:27

I also wouldn’t give it to charity as others have suggested.

If shit hits the fan then the facts are you spent the money he gave you. It doesn’t really matter what you spent it on or who you gave it to.
His wife and your partner won’t see it the way you’ve seen it.

Catuscatish · 07/03/2023 17:27

I'd definitely try and reverse the transaction OP, and maybe even cut off contact with him.

You were very young when it happened and you've moved on and are building a better life for yourself than as a married man's plaything. He will probably keep hoping for more whilst you are still in touch.

bonzaitree · 07/03/2023 17:31

Speak to your bank OP- see if you can get his details that way?

I agree I wouldn’t want it either. What a weirdo! Feel sorry for his wife.

Blort · 07/03/2023 17:31

Id have no problem keeping it and spending it on your future. If you were scared of her put it in premium bonds for 12 months in case she comes knocking and you can return it.

custardbear · 07/03/2023 17:38

Ask the bank to send it back and get evidence of this too

custardbear · 07/03/2023 17:40

.... he's looking for a way in, and possibly between you and new boyfriend
Tell BF he's unhinged!

Greensleevevssnotnose · 07/03/2023 17:42

You say years ago, and then 2.5 years ago, and you've already moved in and thinking about children with someone else? Fast mover.