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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

keep the money

135 replies

lessonslearnt · 07/03/2023 16:32

long time lurker, years ago when i was 23 l had a very intense affair with a man l met. It ended after his wife found out and threatened to dump him at my door. I didn't want this so it ended. He was more invested in it and tried to come back after the dust had settled but l said no. I regret it and put it all behind and have moved on, its 2,5yrs since. During the affair this man looked after me financially used to help me pay for some bills etc. We haven't actually seen each other but once in a while he will email/ text me not really saying anything but asking how l am and if l am happy. Anyway last week he put a large amount of money in my account, at 1st l was confused as l didn't know where it came from but on checking reference l realised it was him. I have not asked for money from him, infact l have not contacted him. I emailed him and he said it was an inheritance and wanted to share it with me as l helped him when he was down? he said not to tell his wife as she would leave but has declined to give me his details so l can send back. Whilst l am tempted to keep it l do not want to be linked to him at all. I am also afraid of his wife as she was horrible when she found out about the affair and threatened to drop him and his children at my parents door where l lived at that time. I do not wish to go through that again.

OP posts:
walkies123 · 07/03/2023 22:20

unfortunateevents · 07/03/2023 21:28

Once you have managed to get rid of this money, either by reversing the transaction or sending it back to him or whatever, BLOCK him on every means possible. Why are you even allowing him to email you?

Allowing him to email her????
Really?

Blueberrywitch · 07/03/2023 22:23

And people being suspicious of it being a huge amount of money and some sort of ulterior motive, obviously we don’t know this man’s financial situation but if they are very wealthy it’s possible that this isn’t the way he views this amount at all (30k). He could be trying to get back with OP. Just ignore him and keep it. Put it into an ISA.

TrishM80 · 07/03/2023 22:26

Awww, the wife was horrible to you? You poor thing. Where did I leave my violin.......

Thisismeyeah · 07/03/2023 22:29

OP if you dont want it ill have it!

Seriously though just save it, dont spend it. If in 15 years you've heard no more then do as you wish with the money!

If its been transferred to your account and not paid in, jn cash there will be a paper trail. If its cash speak to your bank. He isnt going to launder money and not want it back eventually whats the point in that!

WinterMusings · 07/03/2023 22:33

@lessonslearnt

I'd stick it in a few savings accounts for a fixed term & get some interest.

it coukd be a nice deposit on a house in 5 years time IF nothing kicks off before then.

He should, of course, invested it for his kids if he & his wife didn't need it, but he chose to 'than you' for helping him. He possibly realises he put you through a lot of crap (or he could be trying to 'lose' it)

but it won't hurt in some savings accounts for now.

Bunce1 · 07/03/2023 22:33

Reverse the transaction.

block him on everything.

Beautiful3 · 07/03/2023 22:34

Honestly I'd just say thanks, and keep the money. There nothing tying you to him, it's just a gift.

scoobycute · 07/03/2023 22:37

I know this isn't really a post about the man's wife....but I'm truly shocked that you even mention about her being "horrible" and calling you a "homewrecker" and how you're scared of her...like truly utterly shocked that you don't think that would be a reasonable reaction to your behaviour.

Nothing stopping you from writing a check or reversing the transaction either

UWhatNow · 07/03/2023 22:41

scoobycute · 07/03/2023 22:37

I know this isn't really a post about the man's wife....but I'm truly shocked that you even mention about her being "horrible" and calling you a "homewrecker" and how you're scared of her...like truly utterly shocked that you don't think that would be a reasonable reaction to your behaviour.

Nothing stopping you from writing a check or reversing the transaction either

Can we just remind ourselves that the op did not say the wedding vows. It was the man who betrayed his wife.

Bunce1 · 07/03/2023 22:44

It’s totally immoral.

What does your current partner think?

ssd · 07/03/2023 22:52

Why has he got your bank account details after all this time

StClare101 · 07/03/2023 22:54

He’s trying to ensure the money isn’t split in a divorce settlement and you are enabling his god awful behaviour if you keep it.

I would not keep it. I would not give it to charity. I would speak to the bank about reversing the transaction.

I would then block him on everything including email.

The fact his wife doesn’t like you is completely irrelevant and hardly surprising.

Dudum · 07/03/2023 23:09

"Why has he got your bank account details after all this time"

Eh? Why wouldn't he? I've got the details of my window cleaner from 8 years ago, online banking saves it automatically

gkhg · 07/03/2023 23:11

Bloody hell my morals must be more loose than I care to admit- I'd keep it without a thought, and block him. The wife can't do anything to you, you've not done anything legally wrong.

gkhg · 07/03/2023 23:14

THisbackwithavengeance · 07/03/2023 20:06

Keep it.

It's a gift. Maybe it's genuinely issued. Maybe not. Not your problem.

Or give to charity if you feel bad about it.

Your call.

His marriage is nothing to do with you.

Some of the answers you received on here are skewed from the perspective of wronged wives who believe that OWs should be burnt at the stake.

Agree totally with the last bit. It's not right what he's done, but if you give the money back you're not giving it back to his wife. He'll just find something else to do with it

gkhg · 07/03/2023 23:18

Weddingpuzzle · 07/03/2023 20:47

He thanked you for 'helping' him (e.g. giving him access to your vagina) by giving you nearly 40 grand?

Do not touch a penny of that money. Send it back. No good will come of you keeping it I am telling you now. This is all kinds of fucked up OP.

I'm curious what consequences you think will come to OP should she keep it?

bluegreygreen · 07/03/2023 23:28

'She was very young'

How old do you have to be before you know not to get involved with a married man?

Testina · 07/03/2023 23:34

“am also afraid of his wife as she was horrible when she found out about the affair and threatened to drop him and his children at my parents door where l lived at that time”

Oh piss off with that 🙄
Horrible was she?

Barkin2themoon · 07/03/2023 23:42

You’re not a very nice person are you

DailyCake · 08/03/2023 00:09

I'm curious what consequences you think will come to OP should she keep it?

OP might divide the £37k+ by the number of shags and realise that she wasn't paid enough, or actually that she was being paid for sex throughout their relationship.

Ex lover could die before 7 years were up and OP will have to cough up the tax due on the "gift".

OP might have a bit of explaining to her current partner where the money came from and he could kick her out.

OP could develop a conscience and regret accepting/using the money.

The "horrible" wife could find out and then things will really go tits up when she spreads the story.

The man's children could find out and ask OP why she "stole" their inheritance.

Who knows? Any or all of the above and more.

Maddison12 · 08/03/2023 00:22

I am also afraid of his wife as she was horrible when she found out about the affair

Curious to what sort of reaction you were expecting? Do women normally take kindly to you when you sleep with their husbands?

CantStopWontStop0 · 08/03/2023 00:27

Send it to me

Weddingpuzzle · 08/03/2023 06:13

gkhg · 07/03/2023 23:18

I'm curious what consequences you think will come to OP should she keep it?

Show quote history

He is in a legal agreement with his wife (a marriage), the inheritance might be an asset of that marriage. He might also be old enough to have to pay care home fees in the next 7 years so it could be seen as deprivation of assets. If OP used the money as a house deposit she would have to get the people who gifted the money to write to the mortgage provider to say it's a gift. If he dies soon his wife and DC could contest the gift and say OP has influenced him to hand over the cash.

That's just the risky legal implications, all of which could cost £ in representation to unravel. Running the risk of any of that would prevent me from keeping it but I am cautious about protecting myself financially after previously being burned by a 'gift' from my ex in laws. This guy thinks he is being clever putting this money out of his families reach but it is potentially a really dumb move for both himself and the OP.

If the wife is as understandably angry as OP says and finds out about it she could harrass and enact revenge for years. It's a pandora's box and is it really worth that for just under 40K?

JunkinDonuts · 08/03/2023 06:30

Wind em up and watch em go.
Do any of you really believe this rubbish??

thegirlyupnorth · 08/03/2023 06:45

I would keep the money. You have proof he wants you to have it and I would use it to improve your life.

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