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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

keep the money

135 replies

lessonslearnt · 07/03/2023 16:32

long time lurker, years ago when i was 23 l had a very intense affair with a man l met. It ended after his wife found out and threatened to dump him at my door. I didn't want this so it ended. He was more invested in it and tried to come back after the dust had settled but l said no. I regret it and put it all behind and have moved on, its 2,5yrs since. During the affair this man looked after me financially used to help me pay for some bills etc. We haven't actually seen each other but once in a while he will email/ text me not really saying anything but asking how l am and if l am happy. Anyway last week he put a large amount of money in my account, at 1st l was confused as l didn't know where it came from but on checking reference l realised it was him. I have not asked for money from him, infact l have not contacted him. I emailed him and he said it was an inheritance and wanted to share it with me as l helped him when he was down? he said not to tell his wife as she would leave but has declined to give me his details so l can send back. Whilst l am tempted to keep it l do not want to be linked to him at all. I am also afraid of his wife as she was horrible when she found out about the affair and threatened to drop him and his children at my parents door where l lived at that time. I do not wish to go through that again.

OP posts:
Lucinda7 · 07/03/2023 19:05

I would put it in an ISA where the money is locked in for x amount of time. You never know whether you might need an escape fund in the future. I'm not condoning affairs but I certainly wouldn't be giving it to charity. Got to be practical!

DailyCake · 07/03/2023 19:08

The wife's a legend! 🙌That's exactly what I told my DH I would do if he had an affair - leave all the DC and pets with him and the OW to look after. That thought probably kept him on the straight and narrow😂

Seriously though, a new Tiguan starts at £37k+, so why would he give such a huge sum to you instead of his DC, and more importantly, why would you even consider accepting it if you're in a new relationship? He has an ulterior motive.

GoAgainstNicki · 07/03/2023 19:13

I’d defo keep it, no questions asked. Or just PM me for my bank details and I’ll take it!😂🫣

Threeboysandadog · 07/03/2023 19:19

Agree with PP I would put it in premium bonds. You might get a win and that would be yours but the original money would still be available for him if required.

Emmamoo89 · 07/03/2023 19:22

I'd keep it

Bigmirrorssmallrooms · 07/03/2023 19:25

So how much older than you was he then?

whereaw · 07/03/2023 19:30

I mean, I won't lie... I'd keep it. Put it in savings or a stocks and shares ISA.

NextToTheRadio · 07/03/2023 19:38

I'd stick it in premium bonds and block him.

lovelypidgeon · 07/03/2023 19:39

I wouldn't believe his explanation for a second. I suspect he is either trying to hide the money from his wife as pp suggested (hoping that later on he can either ask for it back or get back in to your life), hoping that it will make you start to see him again (probably initially suggesting you can be friends etc) or perhaps even hoping that he can use it to break up your current relationship (eg. somehow contacting your OH and suggesting that it might signify that you are seeing him again). There could be other reasons but I bet it's some self-serving reason. I'd contact your bank and if they can't reverse the transaction I'd explain that it must have been sent to you in error and what do they suggest you do. If that doesn't sort it I would tell him you don't want it and he needs to give you bank details to return it or you will be posting a cheque addressed to and made out to his wife (even if you have no intention of doing this hopefully it would scare him in to agreeing)

Lostoldusername · 07/03/2023 19:44

Why on earth would you consider keeping it?!
You almost wrecked a marriage by having an affair with him, and now you are "tempted" to keep the money he is trying to hide from his wife.
Reverse the payment - tell the bank it has been deposited in error, send the guy an email saying you don't want it and you wish for him to never contact you again and then grow up! It sounds like you may have a good relationship right now, why would you risk that by even keeping in touch with the other guy?

Velvetween · 07/03/2023 19:44

Reverse, reverse, reverse the transaction. Do you know any lawyers for advice? What if he’s laundering money and you keep it? Worse still, spend the proceeds of crime?

Whatever, I couldn’t play any part in cutting off a family/his kids from finance like this. It’s dirty money.

What does your new partner say about it all?

walkies123 · 07/03/2023 19:47

Sassyfox · 07/03/2023 17:25

I would tell him that he either gives you his bank details so you can send it back, or you’re telling his wife.

You don’t want to be dragged into this and you don’t want to ruin your current relationship over it.

Make it very clear that you want nothing more to do with him by refusing the money.

Can the bank not return it?

Very good advice

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 07/03/2023 19:51

Shoxfordian · 07/03/2023 17:01

You have no integrity

I've got even less, I'd keep it.

Original poster
lessonslearnt · 07/03/2023 19:54

I mentioned the car because its a car l hope to get in future if l van ever afford monthly payments, it's indeed a lot of money. I was initially tempted but like l said l have no desire to get involved with his wife again.I actually agree it might be him trying to hide it. In the email when l asked him he said please don't do anything that might alert my wife otherwise she will divorce me. He then said its to thank you for helping me . Nothing more said.

OP posts:
Anon132 · 07/03/2023 19:57

Personally I'd return it. Reverse transfer it. It could be for all manor of reasons.. To find a way in, to hide the money, to cause issues, to money launder and so many more. Whatever his motive is, its unlikely just out of kindness.
You want to be away from that life, don't take liberties.
And completely understand why the wife was angry and likely still so..
My advice.. Unless you want drama in your new set up, stay well away

THisbackwithavengeance · 07/03/2023 20:06

Keep it.

It's a gift. Maybe it's genuinely issued. Maybe not. Not your problem.

Or give to charity if you feel bad about it.

Your call.

His marriage is nothing to do with you.

Some of the answers you received on here are skewed from the perspective of wronged wives who believe that OWs should be burnt at the stake.

CitrusHaze · 07/03/2023 20:14

Another vote for premium bonds! Just in case he comes knocking for it back - that's if the bank can't do a reverse for whatever reason.

DailyCake · 07/03/2023 20:28

"I was initially tempted but like l said l have no desire to get involved with his wife again."

You were involved (and are still in contact) with the husband, not his wife. How does your DP feel about your continued contact with this man; does he even know about it and the money? Taking it could have serious consequences on your relationship.

HaveTheDayOff · 07/03/2023 20:34

How much money? If it’s a large sum I’d be conserved about money laundering.

HaveTheDayOff · 07/03/2023 20:36

threatened to drop him and his children at my parents door where l lived at that time.

What sort of mother would hand her children off to her husbands mistress?

emptythelitterbox · 07/03/2023 20:37

Keep it.

Weddingpuzzle · 07/03/2023 20:47

He thanked you for 'helping' him (e.g. giving him access to your vagina) by giving you nearly 40 grand?

Do not touch a penny of that money. Send it back. No good will come of you keeping it I am telling you now. This is all kinds of fucked up OP.

Dacadactyl · 07/03/2023 20:51

HaveTheDayOff · 07/03/2023 20:36

threatened to drop him and his children at my parents door where l lived at that time.

What sort of mother would hand her children off to her husbands mistress?

The sort of mother who signed up to parent her children with her husband. If he don't wanna do it with me, he can do it with her.

I guarantee you she won't think he's such an exciting catch when he turns up with his kids to live with her (as the OP found out).

memorial · 07/03/2023 20:53

HaveTheDayOff · 07/03/2023 20:36

threatened to drop him and his children at my parents door where l lived at that time.

What sort of mother would hand her children off to her husbands mistress?

You've clearly never been cheated on

Eyerollcentral · 07/03/2023 20:54

He is just trying to get back in your knickers. Clearly you were in some kind of sugar daddy arrangement (🤮) and he is trying to buy your ‘support’ again. I couldn’t keep it but then I couldn’t sleep with a man for him to pay my bills in the first place. And in my younger years I went out w more than one older, wealthy man, they treated me well and were generous but someone paying your bills crosses a line. Keep this and he’ll just be getting off on knowing that he can always buy your attention.