DH and his big washing day…

[99problemsincludinghavingteenagedaughters]

Family of 5 for context.

DH doesn’t often do a wash (unless he needs something specific for work) that’s my department, no moans on this as DH does other stuff and with 3 DD’s has no idea what belongs to who.

DH does sometimes have a flurry of excitement that he must take over the washing and prove that it’s not as hard as it looks and insists that he is being very helpful.

Yesterdays flurry came off the back of our tumble dryer not working and quite a back log of washing to get through and a work day at home for him.

Credit where credits due he did get the tumble dryer working and I left for work with with his 1st load on…

Skip 8 hours to me getting back from work and I came back to what can only be described as an old laundry, there were clothes everywhere, on radiators (fine) on back of chairs, up the bannisters, over the top of drawers, and doors we also discovered that DH isn’t particularly good at telling the difference from loads that are dry or damp and had piles of clothes everywhere from the tumble dryer. I bit my tongue though even when DD1 moaned about all her damp Nike socks and DH told her to hang around her bunk bed!!

It came to a head this morning when DH obviously very delighted with his successful washing day (as I couldn’t find a fucking thing and had girls moaning that all their tights were damp and found my makeup bag under a dumped white wash on the floor) asked if I had any dark things as he was putting on another wash before we left for work and I truly lost my shit with him.

Apparently the way I wash isn’t fast enough his way is much better and I should be grateful.

AIBU to think what he is is doing is not “doing a wash” putting it in the machine and half drying it and leaving it in mixed damp piles all over the house for me to sort is not at all fucking helpful and further more illogical as most of it will end up smelling and need to be rewashed.

Ah ok, that makes sense, thanks. I used to have those at uni actually - when I was a size 8 and could fit eight tops on a four rung airer, two per rung!

I was imagining the clothes actually sitting on the radiator...

I once went ape shit at DH about how the domestic labour in our household is distributed, and insisted he start doing his own washing.

I walked into the spare room to find all of his wet socks scrunched into little balls, spread across our spare room windowsill so that they could dry in the sun!

I took over the washing again and he took other chores to own instead.

I might start with this only doing 70-80% of a task malarkey and see where that gets me.

I'll say I'll do dinner and put it in the oven and cook it but when it's done I'll just turn the oven off and leave the rest for someone else.

I'll say I'll go to the supermarket and do the shopping but I'll leave it in the car when I get back for someone else to deal with.

I'll iron clothes but leave one sleeve of every shirt unironed.

Wet washing also took a layer of paint off our bannister.

This. Our bannisters look horrendous because of this. Couldn’t figure out what it was in the beginning until a layer of paint came off when lifting them up. DH also constantly forgets/ignores the writing on the washer/dryer stating the max kg for each (a 3kg difference) and can’t understand why everything is still damp. He has his own bath towels because of this since his always smell damp because of just letting them sit for days to dry. Our oldest (8) has autism and hates things on the bannisters and radiators so DH often finds his things on the steps or put back into his laundry hamper because of it.

If she'd done most of it but then not bothered to screw the back panel back on and reconnect the drain and just left it like that then he'd have every right to moan 🤷🏼‍♀️

God this takes me back - it was in 1980 and I am still resentful. Got married, bought y new trousseau including new underwear and moved into a flat together. We only had a single tub washer and separate spin dryer. I usually did the washing but one week he had some holiday to take so announced he'd do it. I did question him - but he said he'd often helped his mother when she had a twin tub and waved away any advice, so I thought OK.

Got back and he smugly told me he had put everything in on a nice hot wash to get it clean. All my new bras were grey with elastic coming out. We were broke so I couldn't replace them. I never forgave him!! (We divorced 23 years later.)😆

Trousseau - I've not heard or read that word in decades ❤

Lol did used to be like this especially the not drying clothes and leaving them damp till I pointed out me and one of the dcs is asthmatic and will be having asthma attacks if our bedding is even slightly damp. He does leave things in the machine for ages or mor annoying puts on washing when I am out all day and cannot be get it hung up to dry. It then needs rewatched.

Well I am old! 😉 We used to call it our bottom drawer too.

It's called doing an Arthur in our family ('Alf-a job)

You don't get the credit if the job's not finished. So the washing is dry, folded and put away, the food shop is in the fridge, washing up is not just "left to soak" for hours on end until it goes cold and slimy.

Love this. 🤣 I just read it out to DH and he laughed and said, "Oh yes, this falls under Seaton Carew's instructions Not To Show Initiative!"

TBF once he semi-retired after several decades of working away and we had a full and frank discussion about sharing the chores, he has really put his back into it. We still work on spreading the laundry out on the rack to avoid damp pockets, but he's pretty good at most chores now.

We all make it look too easy for them, but then we didn't learn these things overnight.

Men

Ha Ha, so am I (52). I had a bottom drawer, consisting mainly of glasswear, crockery and sexy underwear 😀

I couldn't tolerate this sort of thing, I'd honestly have no respect for a male partner who couldn't figure out that washing has a whole cycle of wash dry put away and that it has to be spaced out and planned accordingly. It's like a child, how and why do women get to the point that this is normal?!

My DH also seems to think “a bit damp” is fine to wear or worse still, put away in the cupboard. He also has a habit of over filling the washing machine so it doesn’t spin properly and then bung all the soaking washing in the dryer. I despair!

Except they’re annual jobs, and washing needs to be done regularly. I’m not sure sorting the car once a year is comparable to washing and drying everyone’s clothes every single week!

I couldn't tolerate this sort of thing, I'd honestly have no respect for a male partner who couldn't figure out that washing has a whole cycle of wash dry put away and that it has to be spaced out and planned accordingly. It's like a child, how and why do women get to the point that this is normal?!

I know! I'm finding it so frustrating that so many women on here appear to find it endearing.

DH won't wash or iron anything that he considers is "scary" (to quote him ). This includes anything with frills, lace or pin tucks...this includes most of my stuff and his dress shirt.

This is strategic incompetence. If he can learn to get himself dressed, I'm guessing he's intelligent to hold down a job of some sort, well then, he can teach himself how to 'do the clothes washing' properly.

Not making a half arsed attempt at it taking over the whole house.

Does the OP take over the whole house when doing the washing? No. Because it's completely unnecessary and illogical to do it that way.

My advice is to tell him that there is one room (two on a good day for drying, the second being outside on the clothes line) where the clothes washing/drying takes place. He can guess where that is but for most people it would be obvious. Ask him if he has ever seen you need the whole house to do a wash? Why would he need to? Keep driving the point home that he has done this so that you will go "Oh, here, let me do it" but you actually won't do that. That won't get him to learn where he has gone wrong.

He has shown an interest in doing the washing, now he has those jagged corners knocked off and he conforms to how 'normal' people (i.e. those that don't have to take over the whole house to do a wash) do it. You're proud of him. You were wrong to shout at him because you were frustrated. Acknowledge that you were frustrated but that you have seen he was enthusiastic about the washing. So, he learns how to do it like a normal person. Every. Single. Time.

Don't give up here. Be strong!

I have banned h from the washing. He has no system. His hanging is shit. He puts stuff on the back of doors, and that makes me itch.

Whether on the line or the clothes horses he hangs from the outside in so wastes loads of space, doesn't shake stuff out/ turn it the right ways round. It means I have to redo it all so may as well have just done it in the first place.

He's the same with the dishwasher.

He does 90% of the cleaning so I'm not complaining about him doing his share but just leave the ducking laundry alone!

When we didn't have kids, I kinda did find his incompetence endearing (yes, I have realised that that was stupid), once it was 4 people's washing though, and I was doing all the kids stuff as well as working, it got decidedly less endearing.

I actually think it was the start of the end when I finally had had enough after finding yet another laundry basket full of slightly damp, yet still baked to hell (old tumble dryer was the sort that got properly hot)from an insufficient stint in the dryer, stuffed in so it couldn't dry if it wanted to, left lying around in the kitchen, and I just told him that that was it. He could do his own washing, and in return, he should just leave mine and the kids alone. He started to feel he wasn't being sufficiently looked after (join the fucking club) I think.

There are only 3 of us but I wash Tuesday, Friday×2 and Sunday generally (towels and bedding are the extra Friday load).
I use my dryer all winter for towels underwear and bedding as I hate damp washing everywhere and ai try to have only one load drying at a time.
Could not cope with your DH's "better" system

I introduced a ‘you cook, you wash up’ policy for much the same reasons. DH is a good cook but he’s messy and disorganised to the point where the nice meals he was cooking really weren’t worth the work I was having to do afterwards - I know that sounds awful but it’s true. Our previous arrangement was that whoever cooks, the other washes and tidies up. I cracked after having to wash up two frying pans and numerous dishes after he’d made a simple filled omelette (there are two of us). Not to mention egg, shells and bits of filling all over the counter tops, fat splashed everywhere, having to scrub the hob etc. Surprise surprise, as soon as he had to wash up himself he became a much tidier cook and washed/tidied up as he went. Maybe you need to do something similar and point out that doing the laundry is not ‘done’ until it’s all dry, folded and either put away or ironed, depending on how you do things. It will either be kill or cure. Good luck !!

My MIL will often ask me at the start of each conversation “is your washing up to date?”, the obsession with an empty laundry basket has always tickled me! During the winter, the heated airer is well used and we’ll probably do a washing machine load a day… anything more than that in colder months and I develop a twitch in my eye!! Still training my DH not to make mananouncements about washing though 😬

@99problemsincludinghavingteenagedaughters I hope you gave DH a bronze medal and not the gold medal he thought he deserved 😂

Oh pleasse…🙄

I take interest in shopping with my DD’s, we have a mutual interest in clothes and notice what they buying and wearing, DH does and would not and would not know one pair of girls H&M jeans from another if they smacked him in the face..

Not everything has to gender equality row.