AIBU to ask if you regret having children?

[BasketCase101]

I'm a 37 woman who is currently thinking a lot about the decision to have children and I am really undecided. I really enjoy reading the threads on mumsnet as I feel like they provide good insight into what life is like for a lot of parents and I can get informed POV about both the good and the bad.

Myself and DP are both really on the fence about children. When throughout my 20's I felt fairly sure that I didn't really want to children but as I've gotten older a small bit of maternal instinct has kicked in and although a lot of friends the same age haven't had children, a few have and that has definitely opened me up to the idea.

But I still don't feel that I definitely want them - but also sometimes really would like to and I'm worried that I'll really regret it if I don't and miss out on some of the magic of life.

My childhood wasn't amazing and although I know I could have had it at lot worse - my own parents were not good parents in a lot of ways and I fear that I will mess up my own children. I have MH issues due to my upbringing and whilst I have a good handle on things - I have quite intense anxiety. I worry that the part of me that is saying 'no' to the idea of children is acting from fear.

I also have built a great life with my partner and I know that having children is a huge sacrifice. I would want to be a great parent and I know a lot of that entails being selfless. To be brutally honest - I'm not sure I want this!

DP is generally great and I think would be an excellent father. We also have a very equal and modern relationship in terms of practicalities around our house/money etc and I'd like to think we'd be pretty 50/50 on raising a child. We've discussed that frankly a lot of times so I know I'd be very lucky in that respect. We both have flexibility with our work too which would help with childcare.

Am I unreasonable to ask your frank and honest feelings about parenthood? Do you regret it? Is it worth it all in the end?

I’ve adored the whole motherhood thing, best time of my life, other women seem to hate it 🤷‍♀️ no one can make this decision for you.

This. I actually really love being a mum - everything about it! And my daughter is my best friend. I don't really get why so many women hate motherhood. I never felt that way, but maybe I was just lucky and my daughter was a very easy baby. She's 13 now and I'm still enjoying motherhood 😍Best thing I've ever done.

OP, since having kids is not an overwhelming desire for you, think very long and hard before you decide. What if they are born with difficult disabilities and need care all their lives? What if you don’t get along with them when they are adults? What if they are born troubled and difficult? For those who really want(ed) them, kids can be a wonderful experience. For those on the fence or not enthusiastic, parenthood can be a life sentence.

I really did not want children at all when I was younger. I genuinely thought that would never change. I was on the pill and had been unwell, so the pill didn’t work one month and I fell pregnant. I remember being very nervous but also excited, which surprised me. As soon as my eldest was born I had this feeling of “this was exactly what I was born to do”. Motherhood did just feel so natural and I loved it from the get-go. I’ve went on to have 5 children.

I genuinely don’t find it difficult or overwhelming day to day. It’s not as chaotic as people expect. I think people assume it’s non stop in here and I never get a minute to myself but with a bit of routine it’s actually all really manageable. We both work, I’m doing a post grad course outwith work etc and we’ve had promotions since having our children- so we don’t feel having a family or mat leave etc has been a setback. Childcare can be tricky for some families but we work opposite shifts (I’ve also went part time) so we don’t worry about things like nursery fees.

that being said- I have friends who are one and done so it is a really personal thing.

I've honestly never regretted it for one second. I felt like I was just existing before I had kids, now my life is filled with love and purpose.
I'm glad I didn't have them super young so I had lots of “me" time first because there is no such thing now.

I love my kid but if I could go back in time I would likely make different choices.

Yeah, you can't rent children for holidays, not even poor ones, that's not a thing.

Actually, it is.
We used to have children from London come and stay with us in the holidays.

@BasketCase101 In my early 30’s I was married to a man I knew I didn’t want children with. This was because I the higher earned by some distance and I knew that the financial burden would always be mine and I wouldn’t be present enough for any child I had. But my biological clock started ticking so we separated. To the outside world I was not maternal but I did put a front on. I also had a crap childhood from a mother who had a crap childhood who thought I also should experience what she had (bizarre, and a whole other thread right there) but knew I could provide a child with love, stability and a lovely life. I also needed to break the spell of passing on crap childhoods. I then met someone else and fell pregnant within 6months. Unfortunately the traumatic birth meant she was an only but she has half siblings from my DH. I think I treated motherhood like you are doing, did lots of research, weighed up the pros and cons and then threw myself into it. But that said, I did have an overwhelming urge to have a child. That was 17 years ago. I love DD with all my heart. She has had a great childhood and life.

It is massively hard work but also immensely rewarding. Yes when it is 2am you are in A&E and have a huge meeting that starts in less than 7hours it can be stressful. I learned to not sweat the small stuff. I also changed jobs. Whether or not you want children It is also only a question you can answer. For me, it was about the right man and listening to what is really in your heart.

Not even slightly, they have brought such joy into our lives, I can’t and don’t want imagine it without them. They are teenagers and young adults now and such wonderful people.

You always get people offering suggestions of how to have a child without having a child, it isn’t helpful.

Offering a holiday to deprived waifs from London is really not a way to solve the problem of whether you want children or not.

I’m 37, don’t really like other people’s children and never really wanted my own - I was kind of on the fence about it though rather than adamant I didn’t want them, so when DH decided he did want one I came off the fence after a lot of discussion and now we have an almost 11 month old DD. We had a nice comfortable life and I think I would have been happy childfree. It is really hard, and relentless. I love her to bits but I am not a baby person so I found the newborn stage very hard. I am enjoying it more now she’s got a personality and is more interactive. It’s hard to answer whether I regret it because I don’t regret her in the slightest, I love her, but do I pine for my old life sometimes? Yep. Then again, I was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 4 months old and going through treatment for that has made everything a million times harder so perhaps I would feel differently if that hadn’t happened.

One thing though - do not have children with a man that won’t step up and be an equal parent. I couldn’t have got through this year without DH. Also, there’s nothing wrong with stopping at one - I see so many posts by people saying they regret “kids” plural, I don’t understand why you would put yourself through it more than once if you aren’t enjoying it. Like I say, I love my DD but I know my limits!

I realise that.
This was merely a suggestion if the op decided not to have children herself.
No need to be nasty.

It wasn’t intended nastily, @Sammz21 , but as a suggestion, it really wasn’t great. I don’t know how old you are, but I really don’t think this is a thing any more. And even if it was, it’s a poor suggestion.

I see it on threads started by those longing for children and can’t have them - the suggestions are always ‘foster, take your friends children out, sponsor a child’ not realising how hurtful they are.

I'm childfree by choice and sick of mum's being asked if they regret motherhood. The overwhelming majority don't!

You should choose a childfree life because it excites you to do so - because you love the possibilities that are ahead of you without kids.

You shouldn't choose it to avoid regret, based on other peoples' lives.

Maybe read this thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4757620-to-think-that-responsiveattachment-parenting-doesnt-give-a-flying-fuck-about-maternal-wellbeing.

I love being a mum to my children. There are times I’m frustrated or wish I had a bit more sleep or need a break, but that’s normal for any 24/7 role I think. I also sometimes need time to do adult things and write and think and read. All the good make up for any lack of that at times, though. I love their sibling relationship, I love being woken by my toddler with her saying ‘Mu-um’ and kissing my face, I love that my 7yo reluctant reader just sprouted reading wings and now chooses to read every night, how they reach for my hand or when I get home they run to cuddle me. It’s amazing.

No I don’t regret it for a minute. Mine are nearly all grown up now and I can be selfless again soon

i was desperate for DC. Always have been. Didn’t have my first until 35(no fertility issues). DC are now 11&9. Parenting is the hardest thing you will ever do and staying married whilst parenting the second hardest thing. It’s like being hit by a freight train, and nothing can prepare you for it. Your life is turned upside down and nothing is ever the same again. There are definite stages where life improves (age 4/5) and I think we are just entering another phase, but I’m being constantly warned about the teenage years. So maybe in another 10 I might feel human again. Mine weren’t great sleepers, but we had family help, I didn’t have PND. My DH really struggled with becoming a parent- he really isn’t great with babies and young children.I’ve just about held onto my career. I generally say to people who are sitting on the fence ‘don’t’. I love my kids and wouldn’t want to be without them, but if you don’t have a burning desire to have one then I wouldn’t - you can’t give them back.

I was very much like you OP, and in the end I decided not to have children. I didn't want to risk losing the life I really enjoyed, I think it was a case of FOMO because I didn't really have any strong urges.

If I could have made sure I had a healthy, happy baby with no additional needs whatsoever then I might have had children. But autism runs in DH's family and one of my friends has a very autistic child who needs 24/7 care. I would not want her very difficult life, she's incredible but I couldn't do it.

A cousin also sadly had complications at birth which led to brain damage and she needs 24/7 care too. Her parents look 20 years older than they are and they constantly worry about when they're gone.

I don't feel I'm missing anything, I have a fantastic DH and lots of friends, I'm busy with work and hobbies, can suit myself and do pretty much what I like, I help with my niece which is amazing and I adore her but I'm glad I'm not the 'responsible' parent as such. I don't have the mental load that her mum does.

If you do have kids, remember you're pretty much wired to love them so you're unlikely to regret it! I'm sure some mums have their bad days but you read a lot about it being the best thing they did so I understand it's a tough choice.

For me, I didn't want to take the risk and I'm happy with my choice, and I can't possibly know what I missing if I did make the wrong choice because I don't have them!

I've never regretted it.

Gosh that’s not good. Having boys is wonderful (I’m sure having girls are too) but to resent your child because they’re a boy and not a girl seems a terrible waste of emotion. Are you sure he doesn’t at least sense how you feel? Poor kid.

I don’t regret it as I love them to bits and I think they have enriched my life. They are (almost) 17 and 14 now so life is easier again than when they were small although they still have their own challenges now.

However as much as I love them I didn’t find parenting young children rewarding or fulfilling as many people say they do. Again I loved them and they were adorable and a lot of fun but it is also relentless and a lot to juggle.

I don’t regret having them for one second but I honestly think I’d be as happy if I never had them.

@BellePeppa yes i am very sure he doesn't know. Trust me i wish I didn't feel the way i do but it's not like it was a conscious decision to feel this way. He wants for nothing including my love and time as well as material things

Yes my dd is autistic and desperately unhappy I feel so awful for bringing her into the world.

Best thing in my life. I desperately wanted more but couldn’t have any more. Super hard, put a strain on our marriage (the sleep deprivation - DH couldn’t cope with it), but the love and joy I get with my children is like nothing I’ve ever known.

My boys are 2.5 years and 5 weeks. I'm very happy they are in my life and for me, made the right decision. I have never felt regret having them but I do miss my old life at times - the life I had with my DH. Lots of holidays, lazy Sundays, leisurely hikes. But I know we'll get that back again and as the boys get older, just do it with them!
The one thing I'd say is if you aren't sure, I wouldn't do it. It can be so hard going and if you don't really know if you want them, I'm not sure it's something you should go for (of course you may end up having them and it be fantastic) but as you won't know until you have them, I'd say don't.