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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

(Some) men and their ridiculous comments

175 replies

crimsonpeak · 06/03/2023 13:19

AIBU? Please tell me if I was totally reasonable or a grumpy antisocial knackered mother who needs to be nicer.

I’m in a local convenience store, pushing my DD in her pram. She’s fast asleep and covered up, with the hood over her. She therefore can’t be seen. I’m minding my own, thinking about what to have for dinner tonight when a store assistant looks at me and says ‘I hope there’s a baby in there somewhere.’

I suppose I could have laughed and said ‘oh yes, my daughter, she’s sleeping hahaha (you’re really funny) etc’ but instead my brain chose this -

‘Well yes, of course. Otherwise why would I be pushing a pram.’

He then launches into some prattle about ‘you’d be surprised, the people that come in here with empty prams’ - which then made me think he was talking about shoplifters (again, thanks brain).

I just wandered off while he wittered on.

Am I awful? I just CBA with men and their need to say anything to lone women minding their business.

OP posts:
inamarina · 07/03/2023 08:21

SerafinasGoose · 06/03/2023 16:05

But it's not possible to 'check someone is not a shoplifter' if they're not behaving suspiciously or have done nothing wrong.

If he had evidence of wrongdoing then he should have acted on it. You can't just go around treating random customers as would-be offenders on nothing more conclusive than the fact they are wheeling a pram. And they should be careful, if they are thinking of using that as a general MO. It might be viewed as discrimination.

Show quote history

But it's not possible to 'check someone is not a shoplifter' if they're not behaving suspiciously or have done nothing wrong.

A seemingly empty pram in a shop is suspicious, or at least it can be. What does suspicious behavior in a situation like this look like according to you?
In a local supermarket it was deemed suspicious to take a steak off the shelf - doing so would trigger a loud alarm. Annoying, yes, but shops do what they can to protect themselves from shoplifting (which is unfortunately rige in our area).

gannett · 07/03/2023 08:22

There are so many examples of men intruding into women's space with bullshit comments and yet OP has decided to start a thread about a retail worker trying to do part of his job in a vaguely light-hearted way. Not really a surprise with MN's general attitude to retail staff and tradesmen, I guess.

I'm not one of life's "small talk with strangers" crew - big headphones, RBF and a firm stare into the middle distance help me avoid 99% of it - but Christ this one is innocuous.

dawngreen · 07/03/2023 08:29

And it matters a lot if you are a sole trader with your own independent shop. He could not accuse her. But he could try and judge her reaction. I had my own small independent book shop. A local shoplifter would follow and try to engage with groups of women with pushchairs or prams. Then she would wonder off in the shop shoplifting. She only tried it once in my shop and I kicked her out. It never stopped her from trying to enter. She has long holidays until they let her out again.

KatherineJaneway · 07/03/2023 08:37

He has likely just done his security training and prams are often used in shoplifting. Plenty of places to hide shopping, you can use it for excuses e.g. 'Oh DC must have grabbed it' or 'I put it there as there was not enough room in my basket' etc.

BashfulClam · 07/03/2023 08:42

There is conversation like ‘Morning, lovely day’ and men’s shite patter. My father died during the night, as I was on the train to my mums after telling a chugger to eff off, a man decided to say ‘give us a smile love’. Really??? I said ‘my dad died 4 hours ago so I’m sorry my face isn’t in a pleasant enough expression for you’ I got ‘oh fgs i was just making conversation !’ No you weren’t.

bakewellbride · 07/03/2023 08:49

I have young kids and get crap like this all the time but only ever other women, usually older women. I can't recall it ever being a man.

Mazcc · 07/03/2023 08:56

I have been in a shop when someone was stopped by security and this person had the stolen items in the babys pram so it does happen next time say i was going to shoplift a baby but i can see you don't have any for sale right now so i will pop back another day to see if your new stock has arrived&have a good day sir

DutchCowgirl · 07/03/2023 08:58

I feel you OP.
I go jogging, every week same round. Almost every week I come across this 65ish old guy who calls after me “Shall I call you a cab !?”

It is his sense of humour and he’s just making conversation, but it it so deeply deeply annoying ! And ofcourse he’s only shouting this at me, a slightly overweighed middle aged woman. He doesn’t dare shouting it at an athletic young male.

gannett · 07/03/2023 09:07

DutchCowgirl · 07/03/2023 08:58

I feel you OP.
I go jogging, every week same round. Almost every week I come across this 65ish old guy who calls after me “Shall I call you a cab !?”

It is his sense of humour and he’s just making conversation, but it it so deeply deeply annoying ! And ofcourse he’s only shouting this at me, a slightly overweighed middle aged woman. He doesn’t dare shouting it at an athletic young male.

From what running friends say, the men also get stuff shouted at them on runs. But it's jokey stuff like this or "go on my son" rather than the sexual crap I've experienced. (Actually one male friend did get wolf-whistled by a group of women once, but that was very much an anomaly.)

Gincan · 07/03/2023 09:13

Good grief. I'll remind all my male colleagues not to talk to any female customers in future 🙄

I'm as feminist as they come and to me this is just a really inane, small exchange. It was probably a joke but he may also have been gauging your reaction to see if you were indeed a shop lifter. Either way, no misogyny intended I'm sure.

ItsShiela · 07/03/2023 09:14

@crimsonpeak you are being unreasonable. Many, many thefts nowadays are by the use of 'empty' prams. And yours was suspiciously all done up (like they normally are in thefts) and he couldn't see what was in it. The store man was just doing his job, and it seems he was hinting at you lifting the hood so he could see if a baby was there. He was DOING HIS JOB. You completely overreacted to a standard request.

Tiddler39 · 07/03/2023 09:20

But these types of men never ever make these unsolicited jokes when women are with men, or to lone men. Funny that.

Absolutely this. Men never make comments like that to other men.

Your response was bang on, OP. I’ve no time for this any more.

WandaWonder · 07/03/2023 09:21

It's was a man so this has to be dodgy, see men don't go to work or out with friends or to the shops or the gym or other normal places they spend all their time having secret meetings on how to deliberately annoy women and not just making a passing comment, I think there are women who really believe this happens

Situaciones · 07/03/2023 09:22

Jesus, he was just exchanging a few words with you. Probably checking you're not shoplifting. Huge over reaction from you. I also don't get all these posters who say headphones on and no eye contact. Something seriously wrong with the world if simple interactions are blanked out.

Original poster
crimsonpeak · 07/03/2023 09:24

Thanks again for all your responses! Good to see it’s an almost 50/50 split. FWIW I just went into a shop with my pram AND made small talk with a male shop assistant so clearly not the antisocial misandrist some of you are making me out to be. The sun is shining, it’s going to be a good day and wow betide anyone who comes at me with their banal shite. Onwards!

OP posts:
OneTC · 07/03/2023 09:28

But it's not possible to 'check someone is not a shoplifter' if they're not behaving suspiciously or have done nothing wrong.

It's very easy because most shoplifters don't stand up to close scrutiny and don't react well to it. It's not a faultless detection method, it doesn't catch the lifetime pros (you need to look out for those ones being too friendly) but it quickly unmasks a high percentage.

**

OneTC · 07/03/2023 09:29

FWIW I just went into a shop with my pram AND made small talk with a male shop assistant

How very dare you 😅

CruCru · 07/03/2023 09:31

My Mum taps her ear and tells people she’s deaf when she doesn’t want to talk to them. She is deaf but not as Extremely Deaf as she makes out. Then if they carry on she just leaves her face completely blank until they go away.

It’s partly that she’s had enough of people trying to get her attention and partly that she’s hard enough of hearing that it’s hard work to catch on to what they’re saying (and if it’s a random comment from a random man, it won’t be worth the effort).

Justforlaffs · 07/03/2023 09:33

BrothelBastard · 06/03/2023 13:44

"I just CBA with men and their need to say anything to lone women minding their business"

I hear you about this, OP.

It's all meant to look very innocent. Just a joke. Just making conversation. But these types of men never ever make these unsolicited jokes when women are with men, or to lone men. Funny that.

I always have my headphones in (even if I have nothing playing) and just absolutely resolutely ignore anyone I don't know trying to make conversation with me in public. Unbelievably men have actually tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention for their inane bullshit. Cunts.

This.

He wasn't sounding you out as a potential shoplifter - he just wanted some attention from a lone, (probably) attractive woman. There are lots of these very sad types of men out there unfortunately.

I have taken to hiding in the bathroom when the postman and window cleaner come round as if they see me through the window they'll come up with any excuse to talk to me. I shouldn't have to do that, but I've spent a lot of my life trying to dodge unwanted attention from men. Thankfully now I'm older it's waned a lot!

Tiddler39 · 07/03/2023 09:35

WandaWonder · 07/03/2023 09:21

It's was a man so this has to be dodgy, see men don't go to work or out with friends or to the shops or the gym or other normal places they spend all their time having secret meetings on how to deliberately annoy women and not just making a passing comment, I think there are women who really believe this happens

They don’t need to have secret meetings about it. It comes naturally.

And no one’s saying he was ‘dodgy’. These men aren’t predatory in that sense. They just think they have the right to pass comment on what women do. Often they like to make us feel embarrassed, because they’ve thought of something we can’t think of a response to. Some of them genuinely like to see us squirm. One even said to my friend once, “Am I making you blush?”

FFS. It’s misogynistic (these men don’t generally like women). And it’s just incredibly annoying.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 07/03/2023 11:17

I have taken to hiding in the bathroom when the postman and window cleaner come round as if they see me through the window they'll come up with any excuse to talk to me. I shouldn't have to do that, but I've spent a lot of my life trying to dodge unwanted attention from men. Thankfully now I'm older it's waned a lot!

There are some seriously sad outlooks on life posted on this thread.

Tekkentime · 07/03/2023 12:14

Fraaahnces · 07/03/2023 01:11

I was complaining about how when I am trying to go about my business, I keep getting stopped by “bloody men” who think I have nothing better to do than “be friendly” to my DH a while ago and he minimized it, of course. I dared him to follow me around the supermarket while I was doing a big shop for the family (with my EarPods in) and watch how often it happens. Now I’m no supermodel. Just a garden-variety, middle-aged woman. I suspect the fact that I’m short and blonde makes me appear more approachable to these idiots, but my attitude by the end of my shopping does not. Anyhow, he was utterly gobsmacked at the taps on the shoulder or slaps on the back, the repeated shouts for attention, etc… the old blokes following me while I shopped, blabbing at me about what I was putting in my trolley and asking questions about my family situation (and getting short shrift). Funniest part of the experience though was when an older lady came up to me and said “Did you know there’s a young man who’s been following you all around the supermarket? You be careful, dear!” and pointed out my DH! (He didn’t find that nearly as funny as I did.)

What a load of BS 😂

Peoplepissmeoff · 07/03/2023 13:25

Had a similar experience this morning where I was walking my dog, minding my own business. I see a man coming with a dog and as to distract my dog from barking (rescue dog and sometimes nervous with new dogs/people) I made him sit and gave him a couple of treats, waiting until the man and dog had passed. I could hear this bloke talking as he approached me (thought he was on his phone but he was actually talking to me despite me not even facing him). He starts then giving me "advice" on not giving my dog the treat until after he'd done something good. I see his point but my dog was being good by sitting for me and waiting and the treat is what was stopping him barking at the other dog. I just laughed it off not really registering what he was saying and then he was like "sorry, just trying to help you". Yes he may have been trying to offer good advice but what is it with people (and in my experience its mainly men) that they have to butt in with their two pence worth. Just piss off you patronising old fart!!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 07/03/2023 16:43

@Peoplepissmeoff Perfect name for your post Grin

Abreezeitheglade · 07/03/2023 21:42

I don’t know op, I think women also sometimes talk out their arses (me included in this!). I was in my local shop a few weeks ago when the shop assistant asked the man in front of me in the queue whether his south East Asian wife was a mail order bride!!! He was more polite than I would have been!