Is it OK not to stay at their house?

[TeaTimeFun]

We'll be visiting my husband's parents for a few days next month and will need to stay over because of the distance they live from us. We've not stayed at theirs before as they lived closer until recently. I'm not happy about staying over in their house with young children. We need our space to do our own thing. I'm happy to spend time seeing them during the day but I want to feel that we have somewhere else to go and won't be on top of each other. My husband's mum keeps on about us staying their and says how child friendly it is. It does not look particularly child friendly to me with the decor I've seen in photos and not that big. It's a two bed bungalow. But more than that, I just don't want to feel like I have to be chatty and on top fo the whole time. Our lives are busy and chaotic and we have our own way of muddling through that. My inlaws are very organised and mil can be rather controlling about things.

Problem is, I don't think they'll be great about it, maybe even be offended. They seem really keen we should stay in their house. I don't know why. I even told mother in law our reasons a while back and she's still persisting. To be honest it's putting me off going altogether.

I am not sure of the issue
Perhaps your in laws are really excited about your kids being with them and want to maximise the time they have?
Maybe it’s their absolute pleasure to do it ?
How is your relationship with them generally?

on top form that should have been

Interested to know how decor can be none dc friendly
..

My husband has some long standing issues with them but on the surface, it's an OK ish relationship.

The problem is they really hype our children up and it drives me mad!

OP

You can see if you search many threads from posters who started off staying at the in laws house, didn't enjoy it but had to continue for years as they were socially "trapped" as such.
If this is the first time then you're lucky to be thinking of it already - do not stay at theirs and then that precedent isn't formed.
Your future will be much nicer :)

How long is the visit? Surely staying this first time is the least you can do, we can all be chatty for a couple of days. If it doesn't work out you don't repeat and find a hotel next time

It’s a few days, suck it up. It’s not even like you’ve had a previous bad experience as it will be your 1st time. It might be ok. If not, then at least next time you will have a reason and mil might agree it was too much.

My DM has a 2 bed bungalow and only 1 bathroom. When we visit I book a hotel for me and DH which we go to in the evenings whilst the DC stay over with her. We’re all happy with this arrangement. Could this work as option for you?

I think you're the one that sounds a bit controlling I'm afraid. How will staying in a hotel room give you more space than staying with them? I never liked it when mine were babies/toddlers, it was so restrictive and sometimes difficult to keep them entertained

@SeulementUneFois that is a really good point

If you do stay, please give live updates 😁 I recall a thread where the OP and her family were basically STARVED by the MIL and there was some smuggling in of takeaways.

If it isn’t much time and you don’t have to do it too often then I really think you should do it. For your partner / children / in law sakes obviously not for your own.

families don’t live forever and relationships are really important

I’m with you.

My inlaws house is full of ornaments and draws and cupboards filled with stuff.

Absolute nightmare with the sort of toddlers I seem to produce.

We always stayed in a hotel. Not much to touch in a holiday inn room.

Don't stay with them the first time you go; it would be far easier to agree to stay the next time (once you've seen the lay of the land) rather than insist on staying elsewhere after your first visit.

@cadburyegg we find the opposite. Our older child has adhd and interferes with everything. Can be very destructive at times. Our younger one is only 1 and is into everything. I find a large hotel room better as they can't take it apart!

A lot of people on MN seem to be very pro staying in hotels, which I guess you could do, but personally I'd just put up with it. It's only a few days.

@JE17 yes I think that would be possible in the future maybe. At the moment, the children are too young and I know it would be super demanding for the IL

I agree with this. Get over yourself. Unless there are deep-seated relationship issues here, try to relax and enjoy time as a family. They're excited about welcoming you and the grandchildren to their new home. Treasure the fact that your children have loving, living grandparents, not all kids do.

Also, in my experience, actually staying with people is more relaxing as you have your things there, you can spend time together then go off into different rooms for a bit, and you can treat the kitchen as your own. That level of familiarity doesn't happen if you have just dropped in for a daytime visit.

I hate staying at other peoples houses, I like my own bathroom and my own space and I like to know that I will be leaving and at around what time. I've been like this since I was a child, always wanted to go home and sleep in my own bed in my own house.

Stay in a hotel if that's what you want. We always book a Premier Inn when visiting my parents. At least I know my fussy eaters will get one meal in the day that they like and will eat.

What does your DH think though? I usually have to fight for the Premier Inn because of the cost v staying for free at someone's house.

I wouldn't stay for the one bathroom issue. And you'll be sharing a room with dcs?

@Skyeheather why would your parents not make food that your children will eat? Most grandparents would ask what to get in and then make what the children like, or say to you that you can cook in their kitchen.

They're not going to be having separate hotel rooms though, so the room sharing happens regardless.

@Murraydeservedit thank you. It's actually a relief to hear someone say similar. I'd be so so anxious and on edge there. My inlaws can be quite difficult people too maybe because they're just very different to us.

I think needing a bit of space is OK.

And totally with you on hotel rooms

I refuse to stay at my parents with child now.
Its a mixture of everything, but basically small, one bathroom, super cluttered, dog, etc. If my toddler wakes early they complain he should sleep, but then dogs barking..

Its just easier to book a private apartment nearby. We will all wake whenever we want, get ready and breakfast , then meet family somewhere for a daytrip nearby

Sounds like the real problem is your children and your ability to control their behaviour.