Is it OK not to stay at their house?

[TeaTimeFun]

We'll be visiting my husband's parents for a few days next month and will need to stay over because of the distance they live from us. We've not stayed at theirs before as they lived closer until recently. I'm not happy about staying over in their house with young children. We need our space to do our own thing. I'm happy to spend time seeing them during the day but I want to feel that we have somewhere else to go and won't be on top of each other. My husband's mum keeps on about us staying their and says how child friendly it is. It does not look particularly child friendly to me with the decor I've seen in photos and not that big. It's a two bed bungalow. But more than that, I just don't want to feel like I have to be chatty and on top fo the whole time. Our lives are busy and chaotic and we have our own way of muddling through that. My inlaws are very organised and mil can be rather controlling about things.

Problem is, I don't think they'll be great about it, maybe even be offended. They seem really keen we should stay in their house. I don't know why. I even told mother in law our reasons a while back and she's still persisting. To be honest it's putting me off going altogether.

Amd you allow destructive behaviour? ADHD is not a get out clause for bad parenting.

🤣🤣🤣 I reckon MILs ornaments would be victim to even the most bidable 1 year old.

OP I'm with you, I absolutely wouldn't want to stay there, and would be stressed and uncomfortable for the duration.

The thing is she is going to be upset. And your DH will probably feel completely comfortable in his parents home and want to stay.

I think this time you probably need to suck it up, and if it is completely horrendous never ever do it again.

This. Distancing yourself from the inlaws' home is distancing yourself from the family relationship. It's a big deal to my son that he has a toothbrush at Granny and Grandpa's even though he's only there 3 times a year.

Why would it being common mean that it works for everyone?

No way would I stay in the house in the situation OP has described, why would it matter what someone else who is a different person with different in laws in a different houae would do?

Are grown adults not allowed to decide what's best for their family.

What quality time would be lost by the children sleeping in a nearby hotel? Presumably the OP isn't going to be totally ignoring the in-laws while they are there

Stick to your guns @TeaTimeFun and do what works best for you and your children

We set about it the other way round to most. Stayed with PiL first few times with kids, proved it didn't work, and now get a small flat when we visit - one bedroom is the killer for us, we need doors between us!
The realization for them was when I came back from swimming with the kids, having been up and had breakfast, just as they were getting up. They were amazed how quiet we had been all morning, until I pointed out we'd been at the swimming pool!

You and DH stay in a hotel, leave the kids with their grandparents. Everyone will have more fun that way.

I don’t think everyone sees staying overnight with family as a huge inconvenience.

Lots of families only have one bathroom. It’s not the end of the world to take turns using it for a couple of days.

Squashing in can be seen as fun by children, it’s a sleepover. Sofa beds, fold up beds and air mattresses exist for a reason.

They can stay up a bit later than usual and have their grandparents read a bedtime story etc.

MIL would not ask what food she should get in, she would get in what she likes the look of, which would be three different types of chocolate breakfast cereal served with Nutella on toast and chocolate milkshake.

DS has an eating disorder and will only eat a small number of foods. MIL will serve him a plateful of food that she thinks he should be eating and will try to get him to take a bite of each item, telling him he will love it if he just takes a bite. This upsets DS and I keep telling her this is not how you treat an eating disorder it will just make it worse. Also MIL always serves the same dessert for dinner, I told her that I don't like it the first time I met her 12 years ago and every time she serves this dessert and claims she doesn't know I don't like it.

An afternoon at MIL's is more than enough.

@JackieDaws where did you get bad parenting from? You and obviously know very little about adhd.

Some people are so narrow minded. It's actually shocking how little some people know about neurodiversity. Let's just label us as 'bad parents' and the children as 'naughty'.

@NeverApologiseNeverExplain it's not distancing ourselves. It making it a nicer experience all round.

What's the point of dh and I being on edge the whole time we're there?!

Mil can be very stifling. She'll want to dictate everything when we're there. At least if we can stay somewhere different, we get a little break from that.

Op, ignore about bad parenting some people have perfectly behaved reasonable children and it's nothing to do with their parent and more to do with their temperament. My ds is destructive and probably has adhd from his fathers side but doesn't mean I'm a bad parent when I refuse to take him to a china shop.

I don't have kids with ADHD and I'd not sleep over at my mother-in-law's if I could avoid it. I'm not great in other people's houses and can't relax. In the end I just told them straight that it is not them it's me and they seemed happy with that.

Plus being in a hotel means that I can leave when the kids need to start getting ready for bed rather than making small talk and wondering when it's polite to say I'm tired.

Start as you mean to go on-hotel! Just say it's bigger/their house is too small etc.

You only know how their house looks from photos? Have you never been there before?!

@Skyeheather you said:

We always book a Premier Inn when visiting my parents. At least I know my fussy eaters will get one meal in the day that they like and will eat.

Now you're telling me all the things that your MIL does wrong. My point was that you should be able to discuss the children's eating requirements with your own parents. Which is it, your parents or your parents in law?

They've just moved there, used to live closer- it's in the OP.

I agree OP I really wouldn’t like to stay, I really don’t see what the big deal is with staying in a hotel? If I was the parents I’d be pleased and probably kicking you out come the evening to have a rest!!

God, it is 🤦🏼‍♀️

You say "it's not distancing yourselves, it's making it a nicer experience all round"

But that's not true, is it? It's making it a nicer experience for YOU, but your MIL really wants you all to stay.

If it was a nicer experience "all round" then there would be no issue, you'd all just agree to stay in a hotel.

I'm lucky enough to have a lovely MIL. She lives in a two bed, one bathroom bungalow. DH has siblings who also have DC so once ours came along we volunteered to book into a local Travelodge.

Granny appreciates not having extra washing and all the pressure on the bathroom. Happy granny equals happy family.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people seem to marry people whose parents they can barely tolerate to talk to. Making polite small talk till you can find an excuse to leave?

How do all these incredibly dull people whose homes you can't stand to be in manage to bring up children that you fall in love with?

My in laws and my husband are, not surprisingly, quite similar in personality. Which means that I don't find it a chore to spend time with them and we have a lot more to talk about than just polite chit chat.

I would go for 50/50 or 70/30. Few nights in hotel, 1 or 2 nights with in-laws?
Saying you don’t want anyone overwhelmed / upset and an enjoyable time for all etc.
Give her the chance to host, and the chance to experience the quieter hotel option …,

Can I ask if the hotel that you're thinking of staying in is near where the inlaws live now? Does it have a spa by any chance?

Could your DH spend some quality time with his dad and the kids while you and mil get some sort of treatment in the spa. Would that soften her cough do you think? As a special treat for your first visit like. I'd try and sweeten the deal so that she can't have a reason to kick off.

Then the next time you go up for a visit, the kids will be a bit older and you won't have the time for a spa visit.

It's just a suggestion.

That's right OP - you've got the power. You show the old biddy who's boss. Bloody in-laws being excited about your visit.