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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it OK not to stay at their house?

140 replies

TeaTimeFun · 06/03/2023 13:00

We'll be visiting my husband's parents for a few days next month and will need to stay over because of the distance they live from us. We've not stayed at theirs before as they lived closer until recently. I'm not happy about staying over in their house with young children. We need our space to do our own thing. I'm happy to spend time seeing them during the day but I want to feel that we have somewhere else to go and won't be on top of each other. My husband's mum keeps on about us staying their and says how child friendly it is. It does not look particularly child friendly to me with the decor I've seen in photos and not that big. It's a two bed bungalow. But more than that, I just don't want to feel like I have to be chatty and on top fo the whole time. Our lives are busy and chaotic and we have our own way of muddling through that. My inlaws are very organised and mil can be rather controlling about things.

Problem is, I don't think they'll be great about it, maybe even be offended. They seem really keen we should stay in their house. I don't know why. I even told mother in law our reasons a while back and she's still persisting. To be honest it's putting me off going altogether.

OP posts:
cleanmyfridge · 06/03/2023 13:40

I understand you. I've stayed at my in-laws before and I hate their routine. It's more stressful for me. Seeing family shouldn't be stressful. Now we book a hotel, spend the afternoons and evenings together and we have our own space to wake up to and sleep to. I'm not a morning person at all and then as soon as I'm up I have to do ten millions of things to help mil to avoid dirty looks from fil as he thinks we are waited on which I just don't want breakfast or waited on. He is a selfish abusive git though but now in my own hotel room, I order room service for dc for breakfast, take my sweet time to enjoy my coffee whilst scrolling on my phone while dc eats. Not forced to help out and walk on egg shells and prepare breakfast that I'm not going to eat and then when the day is over I can watch anything I want and sleep at anytime I want in the hotel room. I'm happier and more relaxed knowing I have my own space in the mornings and nighttime's and not tied down to peoples routines.

lazycats · 06/03/2023 13:47

I empathise but it might be one of those 'pick your battles' situations. If you rarely visit and your in laws are the type who don't care about small children acting like small children then sometimes it's kind to agree every so often.

gamerchick · 06/03/2023 13:51

Send husband with kids. You enjoy few days at home. He might compromise in that case.

Guis23 · 06/03/2023 13:52

Just say it will suit you better and will be easier to stay in a hotel. Leave it at that. Because that is the truth.

Btjdkfnn · 06/03/2023 13:52

It’s fine to stay in a hotel. It’s hideously stressful cramming an additional family of 4 into a little property which 2 people are supposed to live in.

just say youll be staying at the hotel for space and practicality.

billy1966 · 06/03/2023 13:54

TeaTimeFun · 06/03/2023 13:15

@SeulementUneFois that is a really good point

Show quote history

I absolutely agree with above.

If you stay once, you have the difficulty of having set a precedence.

Ignore his mother and simply repeat that it's best you have your own space for the children.

Don't discuss it further.

Them refusing to accept it would make me think it was a good call.

You can enjoy seeing them whilst having your own space to retreat to.

The mistake is to get into a discussion about it.

Make your alternative booking and have your husband tell them thanks but its all sorted.

Murraydeservedit · 06/03/2023 13:57

FancyFanny · 06/03/2023 13:39

Sounds like the real problem is your children and your ability to control their behaviour.

Oh come on. Some children are just into everything when they are small.

One of mine was okay and from tiny would listen to “you mustn’t touch that”.

The other two looked at me like I had three heads and just kept trying to touch every ornament, pull every book off a shelf regardless of what I did or said.

Short of straight jackets, limiting time in my laws cluttered house and staying in a hotel where everything was nailed down was much less stressful for everyone, mainly the children.

PumpkinPastiez · 06/03/2023 14:03

FancyFanny · 06/03/2023 13:39

Sounds like the real problem is your children and your ability to control their behaviour.

Agreed. Just parent your children op and don't blame decor

DoristheDuchess · 06/03/2023 14:08

You need to do what's right for your family OP. Ignore other people's opinions and trust your own judgement on what would be best in this situation.

If having a bit of space works better for the kids and will be less stressful all round then go with that.

A PP was right about setting a precedent. Start as you mean to go on.

SallyWD · 06/03/2023 14:11

billy1966 · 06/03/2023 13:54

I absolutely agree with above.

If you stay once, you have the difficulty of having set a precedence.

Ignore his mother and simply repeat that it's best you have your own space for the children.

Don't discuss it further.

Them refusing to accept it would make me think it was a good call.

You can enjoy seeing them whilst having your own space to retreat to.

The mistake is to get into a discussion about it.

Make your alternative booking and have your husband tell them thanks but its all sorted.

Show quote history

Oh dear, I do find the attitude towards family in this country can sometimes be so selfish and cold. The in laws are naturally excited about welcoming their grandchildren to their home. Is it really so difficult to stay there for a few days? My MIL would be heartbroken if we stayed in a hotel. I'd much rather do that to have our own space but I stay with her to make her happy. It's no real hardship! The days fly by, you can take the children out for a run around if they're a bit of a handful.

Enthrallingstory · 06/03/2023 14:13

FancyFanny · 06/03/2023 13:39

Sounds like the real problem is your children and your ability to control their behaviour.

Oh don't be such a supercilious arse

NeverApologiseNeverExplain · 06/03/2023 14:14

It's highly unlikely that the house is "cluttered"- they've just moved there.

The grandmother has been commenting that the house is child-friendly. This shows that she has given this some thought. If her idea of child friendly is a bit off then there is an opportunity to talk honestly about maybe needing to put certain ornaments away for the visit etc. these people were parents once. They are not completely clueless.

OP has a very low threshold for discomfort, and isn't interested in being kind to her in-laws or having a go at relaxing her very specific routines for a family visit.

Enthrallingstory · 06/03/2023 14:15

NeverApologiseNeverExplain · 06/03/2023 14:14

It's highly unlikely that the house is "cluttered"- they've just moved there.

The grandmother has been commenting that the house is child-friendly. This shows that she has given this some thought. If her idea of child friendly is a bit off then there is an opportunity to talk honestly about maybe needing to put certain ornaments away for the visit etc. these people were parents once. They are not completely clueless.

OP has a very low threshold for discomfort, and isn't interested in being kind to her in-laws or having a go at relaxing her very specific routines for a family visit.

Why might it not be cluttered? Presume they've moved from somewhere else it could be even more cluttered than their previous abode

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 06/03/2023 14:17

Six people in a two bed bungalow with one bathroom? Nah, you’re alright.

Your husband can say “we’re going to stay at the <insert name here> hotel and we’ll see you during the day. No, we want to. The kids are small, so-and-so can be difficult if he’s wound up, so we’ll all feel more comfortable.”

And then shut it down. No discussion. No pleading or coercion.

PillBoxes · 06/03/2023 14:19

Start as you mean to go on.

They will see their grandchildren all day in their home if necessary, and presumably kids won't be up half the night, so the difference in staying and not staying is?

Sanity for all.

escapingthecity · 06/03/2023 14:21

There are lots of things in DP and PIL's houses which are not ideal for kids, but our kids love seeing their GPs and I think it's important that their homes are special places to visit. Can you do it just for a couple of days? Our parents so love being able to do bathtime or read stories with the kids and it's a really special time

momtoboys · 06/03/2023 14:22

MoroccanRoseHChurch · 06/03/2023 13:15

If you do stay, please give live updates 😁 I recall a thread where the OP and her family were basically STARVED by the MIL and there was some smuggling in of takeaways.

That happened to us once too but at my husbands sisters house! My poor kids...they were practically crying to me that they were starving and I just pushed them off to bed because I didn't want to offend them! LOL

MRex · 06/03/2023 14:24

My parents always wanted us to stay, but we found it more convenient to have our own space. They got used to it after a few visits. You're still visiting them, just let them know you've decided that's what will be easiest for you all and reassure that they'll see a lot of you.

diddl · 06/03/2023 14:24

Where would you all sleep?

We never stayed with my ILs as their 2nd bedroom was a single & the 4 of us couldn't fit in it.

If we could have fitted I don't know if we would have tbh.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 06/03/2023 14:24

gogohmm · 06/03/2023 13:08

How long is the visit? Surely staying this first time is the least you can do, we can all be chatty for a couple of days. If it doesn't work out you don't repeat and find a hotel next time

No.

Start as you intend to go on.

If they kick off about hotel, say you'll just cancel the visit so as not to upset them.

IWineAndDontDine · 06/03/2023 14:25

You do realise you will be an in-law one day. So I guess the question is, would you be hurt if their partners didn't want them to all stay with you? Also, if you stay at your families, then I would question whether it's the logistics of whether you are intolerant of his family

lazycats · 06/03/2023 14:25

IWineAndDontDine · 06/03/2023 14:25

You do realise you will be an in-law one day. So I guess the question is, would you be hurt if their partners didn't want them to all stay with you? Also, if you stay at your families, then I would question whether it's the logistics of whether you are intolerant of his family

In Mumsnet land all current in-laws are awful but all future daughters-in-law will magically love you.

StrawberryAnnie · 06/03/2023 14:27

It’s really common for close relations stay over with each other on short trips, rather than staying in hotels.

Your post sounds like you like to be in control and have everything on your own terms.

Yes, it would be a change to your families routine and sleeping arrangements etc, but a good opportunity for your children to spend quality time with their grandparents.

How does your husband feel about staying with them?

MRex · 06/03/2023 14:31

would you be hurt if their partners didn't want them to all stay with you?
Why would this be a "hurt" issue? Changing beds isn't a common hobby, surely all that should matter is that everyone's comfortable!?

WoolyMammoth55 · 06/03/2023 14:32

I don't understand the hostile responses to the OP at all! Is the MIL brigade out today? :)

OP, my FIL has a small 2 bed house with 1 bathroom. We are a family of 4 with 2 small kids (who are too little to understand 'be careful' and 'don't touch'!)

When we go and visit he offers to MOVE OUT (in with neighbours he gets on very well with) so that we have enough space. Even then, I usually reassure him that's too much bother and we're fine in the Premier Inn and that's what we do.

Why in god's name would squashing in uncomfortably and all sharing one bathroom make for a nicer visit than spending lots of quality time together and then all getting some actual sleep at night?!

If you feel gracious you could suggest that you'll stay in the hotel this time but are open to staying with them in future if there's space and the kids aren't making too much noise/mess...

But you do not owe them your discomfort. No host should want that for their guests.