Is it OK not to stay at their house?

[TeaTimeFun]

We'll be visiting my husband's parents for a few days next month and will need to stay over because of the distance they live from us. We've not stayed at theirs before as they lived closer until recently. I'm not happy about staying over in their house with young children. We need our space to do our own thing. I'm happy to spend time seeing them during the day but I want to feel that we have somewhere else to go and won't be on top of each other. My husband's mum keeps on about us staying their and says how child friendly it is. It does not look particularly child friendly to me with the decor I've seen in photos and not that big. It's a two bed bungalow. But more than that, I just don't want to feel like I have to be chatty and on top fo the whole time. Our lives are busy and chaotic and we have our own way of muddling through that. My inlaws are very organised and mil can be rather controlling about things.

Problem is, I don't think they'll be great about it, maybe even be offended. They seem really keen we should stay in their house. I don't know why. I even told mother in law our reasons a while back and she's still persisting. To be honest it's putting me off going altogether.

Stick to your guns and stay where suits you best. You need to stand firm and say it is what you are doing and you do not need her permission. It is nice to feel you have your own space to relax and take a shower. Tell her you will see them loads and hope it goes well. Tell your husband to talk to her also as it should not be up to you.

This, absolutely spot on! I adore my PIL, jump at the chance to go see them now they live 45 minutes away, hated staying with them when they lived at the other end of the country. I'm actually gutted no one said this to me at the beginning, it would have saved me so much misery!

I’d stay in a nearby hotel and give no fucks. The share-a-bathroom thing would be enough for me, never mind the kids maybe touching something/breaking something etc. Nope. Nicer all round and far better for family relationships to stay close by but in own space.

That’s a super mean thing to say :-( Some kids have a lot of personality and don’t so exactly what they are told at all times! :-)

Aloha mums,

Stay where you want dear. If they kick up fuss say that's why you didn't want to stay.
My FIL were a real piece of work, he always insisted we stay with them and "Oooh you need mustard on ham" and let me tell you it were hot mustard he liked, revolting stuff.
He'd insist everyone were in bed for 9pm. Took me 10 years of marriage before I put my foot down.
He's dead now. Which were sad but MIL is a lovely old girl would stay with her anytime.

What time do your kids go to bed?

One of the main reasons we stay with the ILs is that otherwise we wouldn't get nice evenings with them when the kids are in bed.

I personally think it's really stand offish not to stay with them - if it doesn't work, you can think again next time but not to give it a try seems a bit off to me

Not the kids I was worried about. Everyone had to be in bed by 9. Including me.

OP,
When you have children that are full on it is completely understandable that staying in a space that is yours and where they cannot destroy the property of family, and all the stress that would bring, is understandable.

Stick to what you feel will make the visit the most bearable with the children.

Perhaps as they get bigger and move on from the destructive stage things might change.

My grand nephew was absolutely lethal for a couple of years.
No drink could be put down as he would upend it.
My BIL followed him around with the Dyson cleaning up.

My SiL said although she adored her daughter visiting it was stressful and exhausting.

We spent a couple of hours witnessing it and found it very distracting as we clung to our cups and glasses😁.

A few years on and he's a great boy, lively, but lovely!

Just because a family don't wish to share a small space, doesn't mean they aren't close to and fond of each other.

I feel you OP. Stick to your guns and stay in a Hotel. I just told my own parents that when we visit for a week in August we'll be staying in an Air BnB and my "D"M is in a massive sulk about it.

RE: The ornaments, every single surface in my parents home is covered in breakable stuff. I am not exaggerating - they even have loads of vases on the floor. My DS is pretty well behaved and could definitely avoid the odd vase or two, but we're talking about hundreds of things right at toddler height. I also have not-fond memories of accidentally breaking an ornament when I was small and being screamed at - it's not an experience I'd like DS to have.

They've also got piles and piles of "stuff" everywhere. It's so bad you can't open my old bedroom, or the spare room door properly.

@NeverApologiseNeverExplain 0% chance that my parents would deviate from their incredibly rigid eating schedule for any of us. They simply give Zero fucks about what we like. Once DM asked me if there was any food/snacks we'd want and I asked for some malt loaf, some crisps flavors you can't get where I live and some olives and she presented me with a bill for them.

Also, on an in-laws note, my MIL died a few years back but I loved staying with he, and now DH and I jump at any opportunity to stay with her sister - his aunt - and her husband. Some people are just shit hosts.

I wouldn't stay in someone else's house, I like to be able to switch off after a day of socialising with people and I need my own space. That is not antisocial or ungrateful.

I'd just book a hotel and see them in the day. It's not rude at all.

Same here re the evenings. And our other top reason is that our son gets up early and goes down to have breakfast with Granny (a habitual early riser) while we get a lie-in! It's great.

PILs may just heave a sigh of relief that you will not be staying... they are being polite and offering for you to stay, but if the truth be known your decision not to will take the pressure off them to host .

Your mum gave you a bill for snacks?!! Jesus! I cannot understand some parents

@Murraydeservedit Yep. My parents aren't poor either - they're perfectly comfortable. She made me pay her back £6.85 😂. I remember it vividly. We also took them out to a fancy lunch while we were there, and then DM complained that we didn't buy her/bring her any presents. Apparently spending over a grand on flights and then a couple of hundred pounds on a slap up lunch wasn't appreciative enough.

Bloody hell. I’m so sorry, that would have all really stung!

Stay somewhere else!

If it's your first visit it's worth laying down some ground rules now before you find yourself on here again in 10 years after multiple visits wanting to smother them.

I say this with experience as we used to stay at MIL's place and it was always a bit of a nightmare.

You dislike them and have come here to find people to support you. Do you stay at your mums or stay in a hotel? I am guessing your mums decor is child friendly and everything is perfect. Do you have a son OP? What goes around comes around

The problem is they really hype our children up and it drives me mad!

So now is your chance to stop that....when they see the consequences of over hyped children thst they can't get away from it might convince them to stop!

@UnshakenNeedsStirring - I have a son, and we don’t stay at my parents at all, but do stay at in-laws.
My parents un child friendly decor includes dropped medicine on floor, and dog shit everywhere.

The lone bathroom alone would do it for me.

MIL and FIL are adults. They will have to cope with not getting everything 100 percent their own way. You are certainly entitled to manage your family as you see fit, and not obliged to pile into a cramped bungalow just to assuage their feelings.

In future when the kids are older, the children can stay overnight with them while you go to a hotel.

You'd veto staying with family because they only had one bathroom?
Millions of people just have the one bathroom.

Sorry, but I'm not sharing a toilet with five or six other people, and dealing with rota for showering and such. Just not going to happen.

The point is, none of us NEED a reason. Surely not the OP. She's exerting herself and using up her precious free time, petrol money, energy, etc., to take the kids to their grandparents' home. If a full day of fun followed by heading off to the local Premiere Inn isn't good enough for PILs, they can lump it.

She is not obliged to make herself miserable in order to please them. No one is. There is nothing sacred about sleeping under the same roof.

It’s not just a case though of one bathroom is it? In your own house one bathroom is fine, but in another, with other adults walking past it’s more off putting. I totally get that and think people are idiots if they need that spelling out to them 🙄

The one bathroom thing. It’s very different living with one bathroom and 5 people, than someone who’s used to one bathroom between 2.

I could get up with toddler who needs to toilet, and find parent has decided to take an hour long bath without checking first if anyone needs to toilet. In your own home I’m sure either a) you would ask b) wouldn’t mind toddler coming in anyway

I totally get it OP....we always stayed in a Travel Lodge visiting my in-laws. Not just for space reasons, they had dogs and I always had a massive reaction in spite of medicating myself .... we loved going to see them and my now adult kids have so many happy memories of their grandpa.

My parents on the other hand threw a complete stop at the thought of us not staying with them. The house was totally unchild friendly...I still have vivid memories of my then toddler son jumping up and down on a glass topped coffee table whilst 'supervised' by my dad. In the end we just went over for the day as staying over was too much for all of us. None of the kids have positive memories of my parents.

Stay in a hotel...you can always do something different next time if you want but it's much harder changing the other way round!