To think this was a little bit "off"?

[susiesuelou]

I took my DD (just turned 2) swimming yesterday to a place we haven't been before. When we came out there was a little cafe and small toddler play area inside the cafe, with a little play kitchen and a few toys etc. I got a coffee for me and my friend and a snack for toddler, and we sat at a table very near to the play area as my toddler had already ran over to the little kitchen to play. Friend and I were sitting chatting and drinking our coffees watching toddler play. Next moment, a lady arrives at the table next to us with a small baby and toddler who looked similar in age to my DD. He ran over to play next to my DD and showed interest in the toys she was playing with (a little pretend till and an abacus type thing). He stood beside her looking at the toys and at my DD as toddlers do. All good so far. I cheerily said to DD "are you going to play with the little boy darling? You must share" etc. Obviously she's still very young so the concept of sharing is a new one. The little boy started to play with the till and DD looked at me and started to cry. I reiterated to her "you need to share sweetheart, why not play with something else?"

I then smiled across at the mum of the toddler and said "she's only just turned 2, she doesn't really understand sharing yet, we are trying though". I smiled as I said this in a sort of 'it's bloody hard isn't it' solidarity type way, thinking she would get it having a child of a similar age. She didnt smile back and just sharply said "yeah he's 2 as well".

I continued talking to my friend, one eye on DD. She was pressing buttons on the till as well as the little boy. The other mum then stood up, went over to where they were playing, reached over the top of my DD's head and took the till, and moved it to the other side of the little play area. Her son followed and began playing with it by himself. My DD just watched then looked at me and burst out crying. I went over to her and tried to distract with another toy and said nothing to the mum. I was annoyed though, thinking was that really necessary? They weren't fighting over the toy, they were just playing side by side and learning to share as 2 year olds do. Also, I attempted to engage her in friendly conversation about it so would have felt nicer if she had maybe addressed me and said "oh I know it's hard isn't it, shall I move this over here and then they don't fight over it" or something similar. Anything really other than just silently removing a toy away from my DD unnecessarily.

The whole interaction just felt really off. I've been to many a soft play / parks etc with DD and got chatting to many mums of toddlers. I've never come across anyone as stony and "off" as this. Maybe that's why it threw me. Usually other mums of toddlers get what's it's like and are friendly in their understanding of what it's like to parent a 2 year old. I get all mums won't be as friendly but this was just bizarre.

Not sure why I'm posting. Just for some perspective I suppose as I'm not sure why this upset me and wonder if I am overthinking this or if it seems a normal thing to do?

This made me laugh 😂

There’s a fine line between not being a ‘people pleaser’ and future dickhead though.
Raising kids not to share just fuels this entitled generation we seem to have these days - sharing is a skill that should be encouraged.

If you actively encourage people to raise selfish kids, that says more about you than you think 🙂

I think people are saying 'sharing' when they mean 'taking turns'. It's perfectly acceptable to have a go at something then let someone else have it.

Normally when I talk if sharing it's where a toy isn't being used but the child doesn't want anyone else to use it. That's where I'd remind them that we share.

Taking turns is a good skill for both children to learn. The one using not to hog it's use, and the other one patience in waiting (and also not staring the other child down). That behaviour seems more entitled to me.

In what way?

I agree with Sparkleshine. I’m guessing she just didn’t have the capacity to do more than keep her own kid quiet at that point.
If you want them to play together then you could have got to their level and modelled taking turns. Or just shrug it off like most people would. Trust me you’ll have interactions in the future that’ll bother you as much or likely more. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Some odd responses on here. I’d say you were encouraging “normal” social sharing in a public space - hardly forcing her to become a lifelong people pleaser. And we do do this as adults. If my bag is on a seat and the train fills up, I move it so that someone else can sit down and share the space. If I’m reading an information sign, I’ll move over if someone else wants to read it too so that we can both read it simultaneously; I won’t demand to hold my ground until I’ve finished. And that seemed to be all you were doing with the cafe toys. The other mother did sound a bit “off” to me - but it’s not worth giving headspace to it; you don’t have to see her or speak to her again.

I honestly wasn't raised this way. I'm not a people pleaser. I'm sensitive and I overthink things (as this thread shows!), but I don't strive to be a doormat, not at all. I do assert my boundaries when I feel strongly about things. I just thought it was important to teach a toddler the concept of sharing so she doesn't grow up thinking the world revolves around her.

It's not nonsense. I have 2 kids and have spent years at soft plays, cafes, farms wherever and there is always parents sitting around, drinking coffee and chatting to friends and occasionally shouting over to their kids things like - oh Jimmy darling did you hurt you foot when that boy knocked his face into it and then commenting to their friends how spirited their child is. That kind of BS.
Maybe you weren't doing it but the comment to the other mother about how she is just 2 and learning about sharing smacks of PP.

Sounds to me like you were just trying to be nice but the other mum was rude and ignorant. I wouldn’t let it spoil your day, some people simply have no social graces!

Like, I wouldn't never ever give DD the message that she is lesser than another person and should hand something over to them. But to me, that's not what sharing means. I was trying to encourage her to play together with the little boy, as opposed to hand it over to him.

*would never, that should be

'It's ok, you can have it for 5 more minutes, then the other child can have a turn and you can play with something else'

And if mum doesn't get the hint and does nothing as the child continues the takeover, get up and go over to her and say I'm sorry, let's find something else or bring her over to the table and distract with a snack.

I'm a nanny and deal with entitled parents and their children on a regular basis. I do don't allow the children in my care to be taken advantage of.

Yesterday at the park we were waiting for a turn on the swing. One of the big round ones, for about 5 mins. As the child was getting off, a dad walked up to us, watched her daughter run past as as she climbed into it and he went to start pushing her. I said, 'we were waiting for that'. TWICE because he seemed not to hear the first time but he then sheepishly took her off.

I don’t really agree that we need to force sharing upon children. Why ask children to do something that even adults can’t manage/deem unnecessary/unreasonable? For example, if I’m using a public facility - say, the treadmill in a gym, or an ATM, I’d NEVER immediately move away when I’m still using it so that someone else could immediately use it? Other adults are expected to wait their turn, so why do we force children to share rather than teach children to patiently wait?

@MegaManic

My comment was to be friendly and sort of engage in a moment of "toddler mum solidarity". Got fuck all to do with putting on a performance. I was hoping for a "oh god yeah, Henry is the same - nightmare isn't it!" So then we have a shared understanding in case the play between the toddlers kicks off a bit. Makes it somehow less awkward in my mind. Not sure I'm explaining that very well, but thats my usual approach in soft plays etc and it's worked really well up to now. In fact, this is the only time it hasn't. Like I say, I've made friends from just striking up these "toddler mum solidarity" (can't think what else to call them😅)type interactions.

Sharing, in this context, with a large toy that was big enough would be playing together. Not handing over a toy. She was being a dick. Whether she was having a bad day after no sleep or whether she’s one of those parents who sees the world exclusively from their child’s perspective is hard to tell. You or your DD didn’t do anything wrong though so I wouldn’t let it bother you. Some people on mumsnet just like to make a game out of finding holes in posts to make out the OP is unreasonable, often entirely fabricating bits of information.

I agree.

Next time suggest taking turns rather than sharing or giving up her spot immediately. Let your DD continue to play for a while, then ask her to move on if someone is waiting.

You were too nice and anxious to please. There are people out there who will treat people like you like shit on their shoe because you’re “weak” and “asking for it”. Sad but true.

Keep on being nice though - the world needs it🙂

It's a good point and worth considering. It's just hard to judge the social etiquette and I feel very uncomfortable redirecting another person's child when their parent is literally within earshot doing and saying nothing.

Which 2 year old do you know to have engaged in 'collaborative play'? They play side-by-side at that age, cooperative play doesn't start to develop until they're around 4.

But if we’re in a public place using public things we do share? Or at least I do? You can play WITH another child, it isn’t giving up a previous thing, it’s engaging them in a game and learning social skills. ‘How about you be the shopper and I’ll be the assistant’ (older) or learning to take turns (age 2) as was appropriate here. If we adults use one of those field gyms in parks, we don’t monopolise one machine if someone else is waiting. We have our turn and we get off, whether we’re enjoying it or not. Not the best example, but not easy to think of one. I guess a different example would be we don’t go to a school event with free mince pies and take them all, we take our one and the others go to other people. It’s a similar principle.

Also it isn’t always that you won’t see the child again, lots of children make friends while out and parents start play dates etc.

OP, I think the mum was unnecessarily short with you, but I wouldn’t worry about it. Perhaps they were just tired and having a bad day.

Fair enough but I'm just explaining what I would be thinking - maybe I'm not a very nice person and too cynical, I'm just being honest.
Either way I would just do what you think is right and not be too bothered about it. I don't think the other woman was overly rude, it wasn't like she told you a F off. She maybe didn't fancy a chat and perhaps knew her child might get annoyed with sharing the till and didn't want to wait for it to happen, maybe he hits or bites and she was pre-empting it.
In short, who gives a shit about some random women you will never see again. Enjoy your day and have fun with your child.

I totally get you OP as I also have a 2 year old and would have done exactly the same as you in this situation.

It is hard having a toddler and that recognition of solidarity goes a long way. I can see why it has felt 'off' - I would have taken it the same way and found it rude and unfriendly. I also would be mortified if I made someone else's child cry over something so petty.

I let things like this wind me up but rest knowing you're a more considerate and friendly person. Your daughter will also grow up like you :)

so maybe thinking the best of people and giving them the benefit of the doubt is less stressful for all involved is what I’m saying.

This is the definition of a pushover.

Seems like a perfectly reasonable way of handling the situation. They're not DD's toys and you were letting her know she needs to share, which is correct. It's not like you immediately jumped up and took the toy off your DD to give to the little boy, so I don't understand why some pps are saying this is teaching poor boundaries. I would say it's unlikely a two year old would immediately hand over the toy to someone else when being reminded they need to share, so you were letting her know not to expect to be able to just play with that toy. The other mum shouldn't have taken the toy off your DD; now that is an example of teaching a child to have poor boundaries.

@Hemax1

When you say you wouldn't encourage your child to give up what they are playing with, I understand that. Just wondering out of interest how you would have dealt with this situation I was in? If the other mum did and said nothing initially and her child went over to your child showing interest in the same toy. Obviously my approach was to say to DD that she needed to share but seems some people think that's wrong. What would you have done or said?

it might just be she knew her DS was gonna be kicking off and not sharing so thought she would just give him one toy for himself.

Maybe the mum was knackered and not feeling your love as she’s got a new baby and DS who is potentially jealous of new baby. All sorts of reasons why the mum didn’t feel like chatting back to you. I think you’re overthinking it.

Oh fgs, Mumsnet has got really weird and antagonistic lately.

Performance parenting ..... pompous ....people pleasing..... God alive.

You sound pretty normal and ordinary to me OP. This woman was a rude arse. No, you don't pick up the toy being played with by two toddlers and take it to one side for your toddler to play with and not say anything.

It is VERY off.

Yep she might be having a shit day but so might everyone who cuts you up at the lights, pushes in front of you in the queue, is rude on the phone or cuts you off mid sentence. OP just has to be long suffering I suppose.

Toddlers, toys, sharing, it's a minefield but this other woman handles it badly. OP made an effort to interact and be sociable.

Ridiculous to have a go at the OP.