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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have abandoned them

558 replies

Iyjd · 05/03/2023 07:31

We live about 35 minutes drive from DSCs Mum and we usually have them every weekend for the full weekend, this weekend she had plans so asked if she could have them from 10am yesterday and she would pick them up, DP normally does all pick ups and drop offs.

I had an appointment 10 minutes from her house at 10:15 so offered to meet her at 10 somewhere local and then drive the extra 5 minutes to my appointment instead of her driving here and back. I was on time with her DDs (9&11). At 10:10 she hadn’t arrived and I was worried about my appointment, it was important to me and I had prepaid so didn’t want to lose my money, there is a costa next door so I drove and parked up and put DSCs in there with hot chocolate and went to my appointment, oldest DSC messaged her Mum telling her where to pick them up from as we drove down.

I came out of my appointment and they were still sat in Costa without their Mum so I sat with them until about 10:45 when she arrived, when she came in she said sorry to her DDs for being late because she “got chatting to her friend in Tesco” and seemed to smirk at me. When they went to hug me bye she told them they didn’t have time and she blanked me.

A couple of hours later she’s been ringing my DP constantly and screaming down the phone about me putting her children in danger and that she will be contacting the police, social services and my work (I’m a teacher) about how I am unsafe around children. There have been some horrific texts about me saying she will let everyone know that I’m a danger and how I neglect children. I cannot get pregnant and a few years ago DSC1 asked if I would have a baby and DP explained that I can’t (with my agreement) and she must have told her Mum, this is now plastered all over her Facebook saying it is gods way of protecting the child from my harm (my friend checked her Facebook and called me after I had mentioned the incident yesterday, I didn’t ask and didn’t really want to know and she’s agreed not to in future).

I’m just wondering if it was acceptable to leave them in Costa, people I know irl have said yes but I’m not sure if they are just backing me up out of kindness.

OP posts:
ShillyShallySherbet · 05/03/2023 08:51

She sounds unhinged but was it an option to take the children to your appointment and they could wait in the waiting room? I think I would have chosen that over leaving them in a coffee shop.

Rosscameasdoody · 05/03/2023 08:51

Aprilx · 05/03/2023 07:55

No she was late. Not good. But she wasn’t the one that left them alone in a coffee shop. That was the OP.

What if a parent was late collecting from nursery and the staff put the children on the side of the street, locked up and went home? Would you consider that entirely the parents fault too, I doubt it.

Show quote history

Age9 and 11 is not nursery !! And the OP stated in her update that this is somewhere the mother allows the children to go - drops them off there herself.

CatsTheWayToDoIt · 05/03/2023 08:51

Yes I’d have left them. I’ve a 11 and 7 year old and I’d feel comfortable with my oldest two being in that situation as I know they would behave and be sensible. And by 11 they walk to school and back and can go to the shop anyway! My 11 year old gets the bus to see friends and we live in a city. The teachers made a huge point of talking to us about giving the kids more responsibility last year of primary (he’s at secondary now).

Codlingmoths · 05/03/2023 08:51

You are being very very unreasonable to have offered to save her the drive, knowing what she’s like!! No more favours ever.

clpsmum · 05/03/2023 08:51

@Xol I didn't mention social services being involved. My point was if you are looking after children surely you look after them h til their parent arrives you don't just dump them somewhere

justasking111 · 05/03/2023 08:52

@Iyjd is this the first time she has pulled a stunt like this? Has she complained on Facebook before?

Lightningrain · 05/03/2023 08:52

You’ve done nothing wrong at all OP. You were messed about by her and sorted them out with a treat whilst they waited. As others have said she is likely annoyed that her plan to make you miss your appointment failed.

I can’t believe how many people think it’s not ok for an 11 and almost 10 year old to be left for half an hour in a coffee shop with a phone. I used to go to the local town or shopping centre at that age using public transport in the school holidays for several hours with my younger sibling without a phone. How are kids supposed to learn how to navigate the world for themselves if they’re not allowed the slightest bit of freedom?

Of course it depends on the area but it sounds like the mother is quite happy to allow her kids to go there on their own normally (making their own way there rather than being taken in, sat down at a table and bought a drink before being left).

Justalittlebitduckling · 05/03/2023 08:53

Couldn’t they have sat in the appointment waiting room? I don’t think what you did was unreasonable but with this sort of person who is obviously looking to cause trouble you just can’t give them anything to go on. Surely this isn’t the first time she behaved like this?

Lodgeornot · 05/03/2023 08:54

I'd go as far as suggest she intentionally turned up late for pick up in the hope you'd miss your appointment. It was malicious. No good deed goes unpunished.

Never do anything for her benefit again.

Gincan · 05/03/2023 08:54

Less than 30 minutes in a coffee shop next door to you and (importantly) with their dads permission? She's nuts. I suspect anyone reading her Facebook comments will also think she's nuts.

My kids are only little but I'm pretty sure when I was 11 I was playing out with my friends and going to the shops etc all the time with out an adult

Emotionalsupportviper · 05/03/2023 08:55

Iyjd · 05/03/2023 07:41

No special needs and I put they are 9 and 11. They are allowed to go to where this Costa is on their own with friends, their mum drops them off where I was meeting her.

And I couldn’t take them to the appointment, or I would have to save myself money on their expensive order.

She has form for expecting me to sort the childcare and kicking off if I don’t, she seems to expect it from me more than their Dad for some reason.

Show quote history

She has form for expecting me to sort the childcare and kicking off if I don’t, she seems to expect it from me more than their Dad for some reason.

As you are now "a danger to children", you have a valid reason not to sort her childcare out.

She's done you a favour.

Plumbear2 · 05/03/2023 08:55

clpsmum · 05/03/2023 08:51

@Xol I didn't mention social services being involved. My point was if you are looking after children surely you look after them h til their parent arrives you don't just dump them somewhere

She didn't just dump them somewhere. She was close by, the mother was close by and the father gave his permission

FlyingCherries · 05/03/2023 08:56

clpsmum · 05/03/2023 08:29

This

I absolutely would never have left children that age alone in a coffee shop and tbh as somebody who works with children I'm shocked you did. Why on earth would you offer to do favours for this vile woman in the first place???

Show quote history

WTF? Our local costa is full of kids that age having a hot chocolate with their friends on the weekend. Bizarre that you think no one would do this.

ShakespearesBlister · 05/03/2023 08:56

Iyjd · 05/03/2023 07:41

No special needs and I put they are 9 and 11. They are allowed to go to where this Costa is on their own with friends, their mum drops them off where I was meeting her.

And I couldn’t take them to the appointment, or I would have to save myself money on their expensive order.

She has form for expecting me to sort the childcare and kicking off if I don’t, she seems to expect it from me more than their Dad for some reason.

Show quote history

But they weren't with friends, they were alone. I'm not saying their mother isn't an arsehole but I think you've been a tad naive with this. You shouldn't have to pander to her but i would have missed the appointment and gone another time, to avoid a situation like this. I wouldn't be leaving a 9 and 11 year old girl alone unattended in a coffee shop while I go for an appointment somewhere. Not in the current climate where there are some pretty unpleasant predators about and dreadful things have happened to lone females. I think you have given her an awful lot of unnecessary ammunition and although I doubt her hot air will have much impact, I think you need to think more carefully in future. This will probably all blow over and be forgotten but you already know she's a piece of work, don't make it easy for her to cause trouble.

BillyDeanisnotmylover · 05/03/2023 08:57

You did absolutely nothing wrong OP. Tons of kids walk home from school from yr5 onwards and pop into shops on the way. This is no different. Their mother sounds horrendous, sorry you have to deal with her.

Justalittlebitduckling · 05/03/2023 08:57

They are allowed to go to where this Costa is on their own with friends, their mum drops them off where I was meeting her.

This detail changes everything: the mother doesn’t have a leg to stand on, silly cow. I would stay well clear of any childcare arrangements and refuse to be in contact with her in the future after she has treated you like this. Block her and leave DH to deal with the arrangements.

Crispymandm · 05/03/2023 08:57

@Icedlatteplease You cannot be prosecuted for leaving children alone and putting them at risk. Risk is a part of everyday life. You can be prosecuted if you leave a child unsupervised in a manner likely to cause unnecessary suffering or injury to health. This is not the case here. No need to fear monger.

ShakespearesBlister · 05/03/2023 08:57

FlyingCherries · 05/03/2023 08:56

WTF? Our local costa is full of kids that age having a hot chocolate with their friends on the weekend. Bizarre that you think no one would do this.

Show quote history

They weren't with their friends. They were alone.

Fuctifin0 · 05/03/2023 08:58

You didn't do anything wrong, she sounds unhinged.
If she cared that much about their welfare, she'd have been on time, not schlepping round Tesco!

Plumbear2 · 05/03/2023 08:58

ShakespearesBlister · 05/03/2023 08:57

They weren't with their friends. They were alone.

Show quote history

The where not alone, their was 2 of them

aSofaNearYou · 05/03/2023 08:59

But they weren't with friends, they were alone.

No, they were with each other. Why is the 9 year old going with other unrelated 9 year old's better than a related 11 year old?

NorthernSpirit · 05/03/2023 08:59

I can understand why she’s an ex wife - she’s batshit crazy and unreasonable.

You did nothing wrong.

Never ever do her a favour again. She doesn’t deserve it after her behaviour today and it will no doubt back fire again.

Remember - you can not reason with crazy.

Campervangirl · 05/03/2023 08:59

You did absolutely nothing wrong.
Ignore the pps who say you shouldn't have left them alone, absolutely ridiculous that you can't leave a 9 & 11 year old in a coffee shop where the DM has allowed them to go previously with friends.
The ex has kicked off because: 1.You're you, the step mum.
2.Her plan to make you miss your appointment didn't work.
3.Gives her something to post on SM so all her cronies can reply "are you ok hun" "DM me" "You're so strong hun" etc.
Do not do anymore favours, no pick up or drop offs & no childcare.
Distance yourself from the ex, the woman is your enemy.
You can have a perfectly good relationship with the DC without interacting with the ex.
Remember you're not the third parent, not your circus not your monkeys.

KTheGrey · 05/03/2023 08:59

I walked to school and to the library alone on Saturdays from the time I was eight. Nephews insisted on coffee dates with friends from age of ten. Yes they will be fine in Costa for half an hour and in any case, if their mother didn't arrive to care for them on time, at 10am, as agreed, she is the adult failing to care for them, not you.

I suppose the moral of the story is that she never gets them on the weekend, plans or not, as she can't manage her time to manage their safety.

IkBenDeMol · 05/03/2023 08:59

Also agree on the "walking home from school" thing - I'm in Scotland too, we have no rules about kids being picked up and in my (suburban Glasgow) area it's very normal to see even the smallest 5 year old children walking 5-10 minutes home with a 10 or 11 year old sibling.

All the people who think a pair of sensible 9 and 11 year olds are "way, way too young" to be left in a familiar coffee shop on a Saturday morning are the unhinged ones.

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