To have abandoned them

[Iyjd]

We live about 35 minutes drive from DSCs Mum and we usually have them every weekend for the full weekend, this weekend she had plans so asked if she could have them from 10am yesterday and she would pick them up, DP normally does all pick ups and drop offs.

I had an appointment 10 minutes from her house at 10:15 so offered to meet her at 10 somewhere local and then drive the extra 5 minutes to my appointment instead of her driving here and back. I was on time with her DDs (9&11). At 10:10 she hadn’t arrived and I was worried about my appointment, it was important to me and I had prepaid so didn’t want to lose my money, there is a costa next door so I drove and parked up and put DSCs in there with hot chocolate and went to my appointment, oldest DSC messaged her Mum telling her where to pick them up from as we drove down.

I came out of my appointment and they were still sat in Costa without their Mum so I sat with them until about 10:45 when she arrived, when she came in she said sorry to her DDs for being late because she “got chatting to her friend in Tesco” and seemed to smirk at me. When they went to hug me bye she told them they didn’t have time and she blanked me.

A couple of hours later she’s been ringing my DP constantly and screaming down the phone about me putting her children in danger and that she will be contacting the police, social services and my work (I’m a teacher) about how I am unsafe around children. There have been some horrific texts about me saying she will let everyone know that I’m a danger and how I neglect children. I cannot get pregnant and a few years ago DSC1 asked if I would have a baby and DP explained that I can’t (with my agreement) and she must have told her Mum, this is now plastered all over her Facebook saying it is gods way of protecting the child from my harm (my friend checked her Facebook and called me after I had mentioned the incident yesterday, I didn’t ask and didn’t really want to know and she’s agreed not to in future).

I’m just wondering if it was acceptable to leave them in Costa, people I know irl have said yes but I’m not sure if they are just backing me up out of kindness.

Why is it safer to be in a corridor or waiting room on their own than in a Costa with other people around that they could go to for help if they needed it?

I would happily leave my two children (similar age) in a cafe for a few minutes but I'd be hesitant to leave someone else's children without calling to check with their parent first. However, I've just seen from your later post that she does let them go to that Costco without an adult so I can see why you assumed it was OK.
I have to say her behaviour is absolutely terrible! She sounds like a horrible person whereas you sound like a reasonable person who was trying to help. If I was you I would have absolutely nothing to do with her. Never speak to her again. Let your DH deal with her from now on and you stay well out of it.

You were not being unreasonable at all, she was for being late. An 11 and 9 year old are perfectly ok in a Costa on their own with a mobile. She sounds like a twat, and quite honestly I’d be considering whether my relationship was worth having to have contact with this vile woman.

That's mostly an English school thing.

There was a thread about kids walking home from school. The split was mostly that English schools dont allow kids to walk home until the last year or 2 of primary but Scottish schools allow them to walk home alone after primary 1.

Most kids after primary 1 walk home alone/with friends from my kid's school. Parents will wait on a corner on their kid's route and get further away as they get older. My son is 9 and half his class go down the high street to a bakery after school to get something before heading home Totally normal. Mine walks up the the swimming pool with his brother and they go swimming until I go pick them up or they get the bus to a town miles away to go to the cinema.

It really is very normal is most other countries. British kid's are really quite immature and English kids cant even walk home because their parents dont allow them to do stuff.

this is now plastered all over her Facebook saying it is gods way of protecting the child from my harm

I can guarantee that every single one of her friends, if they are remotely decent human beings, will now be judging her as the vile bitch she is for this comment.

OP you did nothing wrong. At 11 and 9 the girls are perfectly old enough to sit in a Costa for half an hour, especially somewhere they’re allowed to go on their own anyway. She was just pissed off she didn’t mess up your plans. She sounds deranged. Those poor kids.

You won't do her a favour again will you?!

Leaving them safe in Costa for a short time with drinks and a phone, next door to where you are, able to either physically come and get you or call if needed is fine (assuming they are sensible children unlikely to run off at the hint of vans full of puppies).

Messages, screaming calls and splashing your fertility information over Facebook with such cruel comments is fucking awful and I'm sorry that has happened to you.

Did you miss the part saying that they are normally allowed to go to the area the coffee shop is in, and it’s where their mother drops them off ?

Completely reasonable to have left them. Particularly if they have been there alone with friends before, their mother was notified where they were and their father was ok with it.

She was pissed off you didn't miss your appointment. That was her full intention and it didn't turn out to her benefit so she was annoyed. Otherwise she would have reacted straight away when seeing you or made some kind of fake apology for you missing your appointment.

Almost 10 and 11 and mature - of course it's totally fine!

What a horrible woman. I hope her kids realise this.

I have averagely sensible 9 & 12 year olds and would leave them in Costa for half an hour with a phone without a second thought.
What an earth do people think is going to happen to them?

This is mumsnet …. I remember reading about a 19 year old who had a set bedtime 😳🤦‍♀️

PS , can you also report her to Facebook as those messages mY breach their guidelines?

It’s so obvious that she’s tried to ruin your appointment, hasn’t succeeded and has spat the dummy. If she’s so worried about her children being in danger, she should’ve been in touch with you to say she was running late. Or been in touch with them when they messaged her.

Keep a record of all her FB postings, missed calls, messages etc. Your employer, social work etc will laugh at her if she tries to take it further.

Sorry if I’ve missed it but do you normally get on with her ok? You weren’t the other woman or anything?

Yep, can't see you've done anything wrong here op. My 11 year old is meeting friends in cafes and out and about by himself now. Around here it's not unusual for 11 year old to be getting one or 2 buses for 30min plus journeys to school. I would have probably left him sitting in a cafe waiting for his Dad in year 5 as well. It's not like you abandoned two toddlers in a spoons while you went clubbing.

She is being ridiculous and sounds like she was setting you up to fail

Actually yes. It was time wise cross posted with my post.

The mums an idiot. But I have explained the reasoning for what I said just above your post.

You might have missed it because you were posting at more or less the same time

I would happily leave my own children to do this - my kids, my responsibility and my judgement as to the situation.

I wouldn’t do it to someone else’s unless I’d checked in with them. In your place I would have phoned the mum and/or your partner and told them the plan. In that scenario you’re covered.

Making judgments for other people’s children can get fraught even where it’s something you’d do for your own.

I would have left them at that age too. Costa on a Saturday morning will be filled with families. Staff around to ask if they need something. A familiar place they have been before. However there are lots of of people on MN who are either super cautious or have children aged under 5 or 6 who they can't imagine being old enough to leave in that way.

The rest of it - the text messages and social media - is unhinged. Your DH needs to have words.

I simply say to DH that yiu are sorry she feels this way but you don't believe they were in any danger - on rinse and repeat. And then never do her another favour again.

Same age as my kids, OP. I would have no problem with what you did.

A sensible 9 & 11 year old plus a phone is fine.

PPs will have varied opinions bc we've all lived different lives with different levels of threat in them. That makes some people more protective and that's fine, each to their own. The context you have provided shows this situation would not have been scary for your SDs.

The corridor means if a child shouts you can be guaranteed an adult who cares (the OP) will come running.

The other you are relying on the kindness of strangers in an emergency. As a general rule I don't entrust very precious things into the kindness of strangers if there is a viable alternative.

How do you cope with the fact that so many children of this age get themselves to and from school every day without social services becoming involved?

She didn’t miss these details. All is there if you read properly

I agree - this was her way of striking at you.

Never do her a favour again. No good deed goes unpunished.