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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have abandoned them

558 replies

Iyjd · 05/03/2023 07:31

We live about 35 minutes drive from DSCs Mum and we usually have them every weekend for the full weekend, this weekend she had plans so asked if she could have them from 10am yesterday and she would pick them up, DP normally does all pick ups and drop offs.

I had an appointment 10 minutes from her house at 10:15 so offered to meet her at 10 somewhere local and then drive the extra 5 minutes to my appointment instead of her driving here and back. I was on time with her DDs (9&11). At 10:10 she hadn’t arrived and I was worried about my appointment, it was important to me and I had prepaid so didn’t want to lose my money, there is a costa next door so I drove and parked up and put DSCs in there with hot chocolate and went to my appointment, oldest DSC messaged her Mum telling her where to pick them up from as we drove down.

I came out of my appointment and they were still sat in Costa without their Mum so I sat with them until about 10:45 when she arrived, when she came in she said sorry to her DDs for being late because she “got chatting to her friend in Tesco” and seemed to smirk at me. When they went to hug me bye she told them they didn’t have time and she blanked me.

A couple of hours later she’s been ringing my DP constantly and screaming down the phone about me putting her children in danger and that she will be contacting the police, social services and my work (I’m a teacher) about how I am unsafe around children. There have been some horrific texts about me saying she will let everyone know that I’m a danger and how I neglect children. I cannot get pregnant and a few years ago DSC1 asked if I would have a baby and DP explained that I can’t (with my agreement) and she must have told her Mum, this is now plastered all over her Facebook saying it is gods way of protecting the child from my harm (my friend checked her Facebook and called me after I had mentioned the incident yesterday, I didn’t ask and didn’t really want to know and she’s agreed not to in future).

I’m just wondering if it was acceptable to leave them in Costa, people I know irl have said yes but I’m not sure if they are just backing me up out of kindness.

OP posts:
susiesuelou · 05/03/2023 11:20

And at 11 and 9 I think that's fine in a coffee shop for a short period. But regardless it's not your issue OP. You're not their parent.

wonderofu · 05/03/2023 11:22

wonderofu · 05/03/2023 10:57

What does DSCS mean please?

Anyone?

mellicauli · 05/03/2023 11:23

You did nothing wrong. You’ve got to feel sorry for her. It must eat away at you being so angry and bitter. Anyway, lessons learned: no variations from the agreed custody time, DP only to deal with her. They were old enough to be left , nothing untoward happened, they stayed in their coffee shop, s they contacted an adult when they were concerned. SpEx has just gone ballistic because she knows she’s been outplayed with her silly game playing. And her children know she’s messed up too.

IkBenDeMol · 05/03/2023 11:23

Weefreetiffany · 05/03/2023 10:19

Also is Tesco even open at 10am on a Sunday? Can you catch her out in that lie?

In lots of places which aren't England, Tesco is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And smaller local Tesco shops in England are open extended hours too. Never ceases to amaze me how posters think - their particular school doesn't allow 8/9/10/11 year olds to walk so none do. Their local Tesco isn;t open at 10am so none are.

jetadore · 05/03/2023 11:24

No good deed goes unpunished.

aSofaNearYou · 05/03/2023 11:24

Viviennemary · 05/03/2023 11:19

Of course you shouldn't have just dumped them in a coffee shop. No wonder their mother was furious.

It's all the "of course" comments that baffle me. Do you really think it's an "of course" situation that no 11 year old's ever do this on their own?

And if you've really never encountered it in the real world, do the many comments on here saying it's totally normal not make you question it?

aSofaNearYou · 05/03/2023 11:25

@wonderofu It means step children.

Griefgood · 05/03/2023 11:30

You've done nothing wrong!

amonsteronthehill · 05/03/2023 11:33

Iyjd · 05/03/2023 07:41

No special needs and I put they are 9 and 11. They are allowed to go to where this Costa is on their own with friends, their mum drops them off where I was meeting her.

And I couldn’t take them to the appointment, or I would have to save myself money on their expensive order.

She has form for expecting me to sort the childcare and kicking off if I don’t, she seems to expect it from me more than their Dad for some reason.

Show quote history

I'd have laughed at her.

they are 9 and 11

SHE, their mother, lets them walk their and hang there with their friends by themselves.

I'd make that clear in response to her crazy.

wonderofu · 05/03/2023 11:34

aSofaNearYou · 05/03/2023 11:25

@wonderofu It means step children.

Thank you.

Griefgood · 05/03/2023 11:34

Viviennemary · 05/03/2023 11:19

Of course you shouldn't have just dumped them in a coffee shop. No wonder their mother was furious.

Dumped?

Of course their DM should've patented properly?

What do you think was going to happen to them in the coffee shop?

XelaM · 05/03/2023 11:37

Did the appointment not have a waiting room?

My own kids I'f leave in Costa, but I wouldn't leave other people's kids. Sorry

WickedStepmomNOT · 05/03/2023 11:37

Fancysauce · 05/03/2023 11:16

The arrogance of this when it's literally in the op!!!!

Show quote history

You can let go of your pearls - she's already realised her mistake and apologised. Long ago...

XelaM · 05/03/2023 11:37

I'd*

Littlefaeries · 05/03/2023 11:38

Anyone else worried about the dc not being allowed in Costa on their own for 30 minutes.
Goodness, no wonder dc lack resilience. Talk about overprotective parenting.
These dc knew where the op was, they’ve been to that particular Costa many times including on their own, there was 2 of them, they were expecting their dm to arrive very soon.
The dm is totally in the wrong and she knows it and has certainly done it on purpose.

IkBenDeMol · 05/03/2023 11:43

It has been stated by the OP that the appointment place was next door and does not have a waiting room.

Being charitable, let's hope the posters using language like "dumped" and confidently proclaiming that they would never leave their children for one second as they are just TOO PRECIOUS have toddlers. Because when I was parenting a pair of toddlers who you couldn't take your eyes off for a second, I found it hard to understand that at some point in the future they'd be functioning mini-adults who were indeed able to sit in Costa for 30 minutes without killing each other or wrecking the joint. But it does happen, kids grow and it's our job as parents to foster their independence.

If the parents using phrases like "dumped" are parenting children who are 11+ and not allowed any adult-free time at all, that's really worrying. Smothering and controlling, springs to mind.

kimcho · 05/03/2023 11:44

Ceryneianhind · 05/03/2023 07:33

You've missed put the most important details

How old are they and how many of them and are there any special needs??

You missed this. Everything's in the post: there are 2 DSDs. They are 9&11.

caringcarer · 05/03/2023 11:48

They say on a Costa drinking hot chocolate for half an hour while you were nearby at appointment. They are 9 and 11 and parent allows them to go to this Costa to meet friends. I don't see a problem. This lady is just trying to stir up trouble. She was not on time to collect her children. She is lucky you do so much with her children. She is probably jealous of you because her children like you and her exdh is with you now. I don't think you have done anything wrong.

kimcho · 05/03/2023 11:49

I wouldn't have left 11&9 yo in a coffee shop to go to my appointment. Although, DCs would definitely prefer to be in a coffee shop with hot chocolate, I would have taken them with me to the appointment and asked them to stay at the reception/waiting area. Plenty of mothers do this when they have no alternatives.

Cocobutt · 05/03/2023 11:49

Nobody's saying that, they're saying she's in the right because it's fine to leave children of this age in Costa. Bit presumptuous to say she needs to apologise when the majority agree she's done nothing wrong.

If this was their dad who left them in a coffee shop so he can go to an appointment he would be the worst person in the world.

Most MNers fall over themselves to agree with the OP if she is a woman or step parent.

If OP had posted that a babysitter or teacher had left her kids in a coffee shop then no one would be saying that it was ok.

GoodChat · 05/03/2023 11:51

Cocobutt · 05/03/2023 11:49

Nobody's saying that, they're saying she's in the right because it's fine to leave children of this age in Costa. Bit presumptuous to say she needs to apologise when the majority agree she's done nothing wrong.

If this was their dad who left them in a coffee shop so he can go to an appointment he would be the worst person in the world.

Most MNers fall over themselves to agree with the OP if she is a woman or step parent.

If OP had posted that a babysitter or teacher had left her kids in a coffee shop then no one would be saying that it was ok.

Most people on here hate step parents, so that's not why everyone's agreeing with her.

OP isn't a babysitter. She's a step mom doing her partners ex a favour and had an appointment to get to. They either trust her with their children or they dont.

itsgettingweird · 05/03/2023 11:52

9 & 11 I'd be really angry if you left mine in Tesco,

Well she left them in costa with a hot chocolate whilst mum was in Tesco chatting with a friend way after the time she was meant to collect her children.

What's your opinion on that?

itsgettingweird · 05/03/2023 11:54

Businessflake · 05/03/2023 10:14

I suspect you may have got a different response if you had just asked the question would you leave a 9 and 11 year old alone in Costa without the rest of the story.

She has behaved appallingly but I don’t actually think that’s relevant to whether or not you were right to leave them. I personally wouldn’t have left someone else’s children like that without at least having made contact myself with the Mum to check they were close by and she was ok with that.

She made contact with the dad.

The other parent.

He was.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 05/03/2023 11:54

Cocobutt · 05/03/2023 11:49

Nobody's saying that, they're saying she's in the right because it's fine to leave children of this age in Costa. Bit presumptuous to say she needs to apologise when the majority agree she's done nothing wrong.

If this was their dad who left them in a coffee shop so he can go to an appointment he would be the worst person in the world.

Most MNers fall over themselves to agree with the OP if she is a woman or step parent.

If OP had posted that a babysitter or teacher had left her kids in a coffee shop then no one would be saying that it was ok.

They're 9 and 11. What's the problem with leaving them in a coffee shop for a short amount of time? I'd be saying the same thing if it was by the dad. The mum should have been on time.

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2023 11:56

Icedlatteplease · 05/03/2023 08:48

The corridor means if a child shouts you can be guaranteed an adult who cares (the OP) will come running.

The other you are relying on the kindness of strangers in an emergency. As a general rule I don't entrust very precious things into the kindness of strangers if there is a viable alternative.

Show quote history

What age have you/will you let your children out on their own?