To have abandoned them

[Iyjd]

We live about 35 minutes drive from DSCs Mum and we usually have them every weekend for the full weekend, this weekend she had plans so asked if she could have them from 10am yesterday and she would pick them up, DP normally does all pick ups and drop offs.

I had an appointment 10 minutes from her house at 10:15 so offered to meet her at 10 somewhere local and then drive the extra 5 minutes to my appointment instead of her driving here and back. I was on time with her DDs (9&11). At 10:10 she hadn’t arrived and I was worried about my appointment, it was important to me and I had prepaid so didn’t want to lose my money, there is a costa next door so I drove and parked up and put DSCs in there with hot chocolate and went to my appointment, oldest DSC messaged her Mum telling her where to pick them up from as we drove down.

I came out of my appointment and they were still sat in Costa without their Mum so I sat with them until about 10:45 when she arrived, when she came in she said sorry to her DDs for being late because she “got chatting to her friend in Tesco” and seemed to smirk at me. When they went to hug me bye she told them they didn’t have time and she blanked me.

A couple of hours later she’s been ringing my DP constantly and screaming down the phone about me putting her children in danger and that she will be contacting the police, social services and my work (I’m a teacher) about how I am unsafe around children. There have been some horrific texts about me saying she will let everyone know that I’m a danger and how I neglect children. I cannot get pregnant and a few years ago DSC1 asked if I would have a baby and DP explained that I can’t (with my agreement) and she must have told her Mum, this is now plastered all over her Facebook saying it is gods way of protecting the child from my harm (my friend checked her Facebook and called me after I had mentioned the incident yesterday, I didn’t ask and didn’t really want to know and she’s agreed not to in future).

I’m just wondering if it was acceptable to leave them in Costa, people I know irl have said yes but I’m not sure if they are just backing me up out of kindness.

OP,

You need to snap shot everything she is putting on SM and keep those texts.

I would 100% refuse to have any further involvement with the care of her children.

She is abusive and she is threatening your employment.

I mean this very kindly, but your boundaries are poor.

Why are you involved with this woman and being used for childcare?.

Why are you involved with a man who allows you to be treated this way and he also uses you for help?

You are being used and abused by them both.

Your boundaries are poor.

Stop waiting for someone to save you, and save yourself.

Tell their father that what has occurred is unacceptable and that you will contact 101 for advice as she has spead bile on SM about you.

Tell him you will no longer be involved in any arrangements involving his children.

Get some counselling to figure out why you would accept this treatment?

You are too nice and it is working against.

She is scum.
Stop engaging with scum.

Step away and assert your boundaries.

This relationship with their father is not worth this abuse.

I am so sorry.

Of course what you did with their fathers permission, knowing they have gone there before, was absolutely fine.

She deliberately messed with you and you allowed it.

Stand up for yourself or this is your life.

It was completely fine in the circumstances you describe.
However, on the bright side she has now given you the perfect excuse just not to get involved in transition arrangements again.
Leave it to mum and dad to sort out and get on your way.

I agree with pp that when she smirked she probably thought she'd caused you to miss your appt. so clearly no love lost there.

So it's fine for her to not bother turning up for her kids because she was too busy chatting, but not ok for them to wait for her in a Costa?? If she was so concerned about them then she would have made sure she was there for them and then they wouldn't have been alone anywhere would they? Also you didn't just leave them there, you went back after the appointment so if something had happened to the mother the kids wouldn't have just been stuck there. They're not 4 or 5 years old, often Yr 5/6 children will walk to school alone and in Yr 7 they would often be getting a bus alone to school.

It sounds like this has all been done on purpose because she is bat shit crazy. Just stay as you are, calm, reasonable and sensible if she does contact SS or the police and they follow it up. They'll soon see what's going on. It's probably just all nonsense though to try to make you look bad and her like mother of year on SM and to her ex.

The things she has said are awful but you can't argue with stupid. I would not be alone with the children in future though sadly as it is too big a risk now.

Have you actually read the OP's posts? What on earth has the doctor got to do with anything? Clearly if OP had offered to drop the children off at home it wouldn't have worked because their mother was in Tesco's.

If you've never heard of a residential parent doing drop-offs and pickups you've led a very sheltered life. Most separated parents simply do whatever is most convenient for all concerned and share drop-offs etc between them.

These children weren't abandoned. They were left for a maximum of 30 minutes in a coffee shop where their parents were already in the habit of leaving them. OP has nothing to apologise for.

What does DSCS mean please?

I feel bad for the kids as they are the ones who lose out here but you absolutely cannot have anything more to do with their care. You need to set very firm and non negotiable boundaries here. No more favours or childcare ever

As for her discussing your fertility, that is wholly unacceptable and unforgivable. It's not DSC fault the info got back to their mother but it showd you need to be more careful with what you share and how you share it.

As for Costa itself. I don't know. Mine are a bit younger (my eldest is y5 / 10) and whilst I'd be happy to leave him in the situation you describe, I can't 100% say I'd be happy if someone else made that decision? Although if its something they already do or have done before then that kind of negates the issue of abandoning them. She cannot be too angry that you left them when she does exactly the same?

Essentially it just sounds like you can't do right for doing wrong and your DSC mum isn't ever going to be easy to get along with so you need to protect yourself.

I really can't see the problem. The older child is nearly in secondary school!

I didn't see any 2 year old mentioned?

Ah wait - there are 2 (children), 9 and 11. Got you!

More at risk sitting alone in a car than sitting in a busy Costa full of adults

I read it as there are 2 (children) (aged) 9 & 11

You really, really can say that there is no prospect in hell that a parent or stepparent would be prosecuted for doing what OP did. What on earth do you imagine they would be charged with?

The "What ifs" make no difference. The fire/mad axeman/mad abductor scenarios could happen just as easily if the children were with an adult. No abductor with half a brain is going to try to abduct children of that age from a busy café. If they tried, it still wouldn't make OP a criminal. Yes, awful things happen, but if you spend your life trying to guard against every possible scenario you never go out of the house. The reality is that children are in more danger every time they get into a car or cross the road than these children were sitting for 30 minutes in Costa's.

If the mother is stupid enough to try to take this to court, she's stupid enough to do it anyway regardless of what OP has done. But it sounds very much as if the current arrangement is very convenient to her and she really doesn't want the children at hers every weekend.

I think the real issue is that you unknowingly sabotaged her plan to ruin your appointment. She’s using her children as a weapon. What a vile woman.

I think it's fine at 9&11. I used to leave mine in the museum at that age with money for a hot chocolate whilst I worked for 4 hours. The museum had activities laid on but wasn't registered childcare, I wasn't the only one either

I think that the Mother should have been told that they were about to be left alone, rather than just were they would be. It's like there was deliberate vagueness. I'd ask both children if they were ok with being left and if so then it's up to their Dad. Personally I'd protect myself professionally and not step in again. If something would have gone wrong it would have been a matter for GTC and it just isn't worth the risk to your career. It makes life easier for you.

At 9 I disappeared for hours (admittedly in the country), went to shops by myself, cycled for miles, so waiting in a Costa, with an elder sibling, with a hot chocolate would be fine imho.

Mothers fault for not prioritising picking up her DD over chatting with her friend.

She may well actually be in secondary school. Plenty of children in Year 7 are still 11 years old.

It's nice to know that the law has gone back to using common sense. After the James Bulger murder there were laws/legalisation bought in about unaccompanied children and it was applied over zealously by many security guards. It did become illegal to take your children somewhere, then leave them, which we all do, especially in cinemas, to get more independent.

It’s not ideal to leave a 9&11 yo alone, but that’s on her, not you.

YABU
whilst in your care
they are in your care
Whilst her excuse for being late was really unreasonable
That doesn't mean you can leave them on their own.
If the appointment was important then, much like any carer, you should have taken them with you.

The arrogance of this when it's literally in the op!!!!

They're not babies, clearly they were fine sitting in Costa with a hot chocolate. I think it's clear that you don't need to do anything else for that vile witch.

This 100%.

You've now had a clear demonstration that 'No good deed goes unpunished', so I hope you choose to NEVER do this woman any favours ever again. Because you were doing her a favour, saving her a longer drive.

Of course you shouldn't have just dumped them in a coffee shop. No wonder their mother was furious.

She's is an absolute tool and this is entirely on her. She's their mother and she was late. 🤷‍♀️
Wouldn't be doing anymore favours for her OP.