To have abandoned them

[Iyjd]

We live about 35 minutes drive from DSCs Mum and we usually have them every weekend for the full weekend, this weekend she had plans so asked if she could have them from 10am yesterday and she would pick them up, DP normally does all pick ups and drop offs.

I had an appointment 10 minutes from her house at 10:15 so offered to meet her at 10 somewhere local and then drive the extra 5 minutes to my appointment instead of her driving here and back. I was on time with her DDs (9&11). At 10:10 she hadn’t arrived and I was worried about my appointment, it was important to me and I had prepaid so didn’t want to lose my money, there is a costa next door so I drove and parked up and put DSCs in there with hot chocolate and went to my appointment, oldest DSC messaged her Mum telling her where to pick them up from as we drove down.

I came out of my appointment and they were still sat in Costa without their Mum so I sat with them until about 10:45 when she arrived, when she came in she said sorry to her DDs for being late because she “got chatting to her friend in Tesco” and seemed to smirk at me. When they went to hug me bye she told them they didn’t have time and she blanked me.

A couple of hours later she’s been ringing my DP constantly and screaming down the phone about me putting her children in danger and that she will be contacting the police, social services and my work (I’m a teacher) about how I am unsafe around children. There have been some horrific texts about me saying she will let everyone know that I’m a danger and how I neglect children. I cannot get pregnant and a few years ago DSC1 asked if I would have a baby and DP explained that I can’t (with my agreement) and she must have told her Mum, this is now plastered all over her Facebook saying it is gods way of protecting the child from my harm (my friend checked her Facebook and called me after I had mentioned the incident yesterday, I didn’t ask and didn’t really want to know and she’s agreed not to in future).

I’m just wondering if it was acceptable to leave them in Costa, people I know irl have said yes but I’m not sure if they are just backing me up out of kindness.

I wouldn't have done it (I'd have left them in the car listening to music when you had your appointment if they weren't allowed in) but in this case, she seems like a vindictive cow who is using the children as a weapon against you. NEVER EVER step in for any childcare duties again. Tell your husband your professional reputation is on the line if she makes a malicious allegation (and she will). Always make sure the husband makes any parenting/safeguarding calls.

I don't think it's ok to leave children of that age alone when you were in charge of their safety.

Their mother shouldn't have been late, but that isn't the children's fault. You can't use them to punish the mother.

Put the children first, do your best for them and protect them.

I would be really unhappy about someone leaving my children unattended who was meant to be responsible for them.

I work in a school and it’s so annoying when parents are late but we never just all go home and always have a staff member stay until they are picked up.

You could have phoned the doctors and explained the situation.

You could have also just have offered to drop them off at their home which was 10 mins away which would have made a lot more sense.

I’ve never heard of the residential parent doing the drop offs and pick ups unless they’ve moved far away and as you were going that way anyway it does seem silly that you couldn’t just drop them off.

I would be very annoyed with her that she was late when you had agreed a time but if you were their dad who abandoned them then you would have been absolutely slaughtered on here.

I’m not going to say you were in the right just because you are a woman and a step parent like many MNers do.

You were more in the wrong and all you can do is apologise and explain yourself.

@KM247 plenty of children at my DC’s private school walk to school from year 6 onwards. Whilst many children are driven to the school (due to the distance from home) once they are 11 (particularly the girls) they hang around in town on a weekend dropped off by their various parents.

If anything I think my DC’s prep school is better at encouraging independence than your average state primary as they walk over to the senior school on their own for individual music and dance lessons from the age of 7. They have to get themselves there at the right time and in the right place. Likewise, if they have a club at lunchtime they have to walk over to the refectory alone/in small groups to get their lunch from age 7. So don’t make this a private/state school thing. That’s ridiculous.

Furthermore, the OP’s step children were not alone. They were with each other.

I also have a DC at a state grammar where children as young as 11 are travelling up to 40 miles to school by public transport. They seem to manage perfectly well.

Can you imagine being friends on FB with this woman and having fertility issues, it would make you think twice about being friends surely ?
I don't think you did anything wrong, DH who is their parent said it was fine to leave them at Costa, the Mum knew where they were and lets them go there alone when in her care, she chose to chat to a friend rather than making the very short journey to pick them up. She was 45 minutes late to collect her children for no good reason.

I worked in safeguarding. You did nothing wrong op and whichever service/police she contacts, won’t take this any further and will see through her.
Y5 and Y6/7 can leave school alone and could be walking or taking a bus or train home unattended; sitting in Costa with a drink is far safer.
Ignore her and don’t worry yourself with this OP.

@Iyjd · Today 07:41

No special needs and I put they are 9 and 11. They are allowed to go to where this Costa is on their own with friends, their mum drops them off where I was meeting her.

So their mum leaves them at that Costa but its not ok for you to do the same? This woman is horrible - deliberately tried to make you miss your appointment then puts your private info all over social media. No more favours for her!

At 11 and 9 years old, they can defo sit in a Costa at 10am waiting for their mother to stop neglecting her duty and collect them as arranged. They had their phones available if they need help.

Also, why do you have them every weekend? Shouldnt you and your DP also get a weekend off?

Yet in your previous post you claimed that no child at that school travelled there by public transport.

Most secondary schools start at 8.45-9, so if you dropped your child off at 8 they would be left on their own. And what would you do about that drop-off if you had a younger child to get to primary school at 8.45, or if you had to take another child to a different secondary school? Or if you didn't have time to do the drop off and get to work, and couldn't afford £40 a week for that personal taxi service?

But she wasn't doing anything to punish the mother. The children where left in a place where they have been left many times before by their mother.

Sorry but YABU. You should have taken them with you to your appointment or stayed with them .

The Dsc mum is out of order by being late .

Let's look at the facts:

• You did a big favour for their mum

She was told to be there at 10am and that you have an appointment at 10.15 = she should have been on time.

• You left them at a coffee shop right next door, expecting mum to turn up 'any minute' l. She didn't. That's on her and I bet too that she did it on purpose to sabotage your plans.
• You DP, their father, was fine with them being left at Costa for a short while (probably also assuming mum would turn up any minute).
• Mum herself drops off the children there on there own, to see friends their age and has no problem with that.

OP, you did nothing wrong.
The mum is a fruit loop just looking to get nasty and make your life miserable. Please for your own mental health, stop engaging with her altogether. Leave it to DP. What she wants, expects or is angry about is her own problem. Remove her from your life completely.

Have you actually asked her why it's ok for her to allow them there on their own but not for you to do the same thing? Or calmly state that you thought it wouldn't be a problem since she allows it? I mean I wouldn't usually encourage engaging with such twattery but in this case I think I'd have to point out the very obvious facts to her.

Sorry you’re getting a hard time on here, nothing new in that sadly. Ignore the silly nonsense about reporting to SS. They won’t care because they’ve got far too many genuine cases of neglect to deal with.

Sounds like their mum is a jealous PITA and was deliberately late hoping you’d miss your appointment and then when that failed, found something else to hurl at you. Were you the OW and is that why she’s still treating you like shit?

I think your only option going forwards is to have no direct contact with the mum and leave everything to your DH to sort. No favours for her either.

The really sad aspect is the poor children caught in the crossfire. They’ll grow up and will definitely realise what a tit she’s being and with her current actions, she’s potentially damaging her longer term relationship with them as adults, which lasts much longer than childhood.

And it's appropriately cautious to leave two sensible children of that age on their own for a short time in a coffee shop where they're in the habit of going on their own with their friends anyway.

You absolutely wouldn’t be prosecuted for neglect for leaving a 9 and 11 year old in Costa for half an hour and something happened. I work with children and this wouldn’t even cross my mind as something I should worry about

You can’t say that prosecution could never happen. There are so many ‘what if’s’ in a situation like this. Ultimately, prosecution or not, any life-changing consequences would have been on the OP’s conscience and most likely would have had an impact on her relationship.

There are 2 very real concerns - the potential impact of such an action on the mother who then decides to drag this through the courts to reduce dad’s contact. Whilst unlikely to be successful, the stress and upset for everyone would be awful. And then the potential impact of having left children to their own devices on the OP’s career.

I can see why the OP did it. I don’t think she was wrong but nor do I think it was a right move either. The mum has behaved badly. No one comes out of this looking good.

You did nothing wrong. She did. She was more intent on ruining your plans than picking up her children. They would have been more unhappy sat in a car park with you waiting for her for 45 minutes than I'm sure they were in a familiar coffee shop with a hot chocolate where they've been left unsupervised before by her.
She's just playing games and pulling rank. Furthermore what a horrible thing to do when you were being kind to her. I'd be doing nothing for her in future.

Every time she tells you to look after her children in the future, respond with the word no and a screenshot of her FB post.

But you wouldn't be in eyeshot if you went to the loo, would you. So your children would be in just as much danger as these two were.

If you never let an 11 year old have any independence, you really can't be sure that they know how to deal with things on their own. At what age are you going to allow it?

If your school would pull up a parent for leaving a Year 7 and year 5 child on their own in a coffee shop for 30 minutes, it's batshit and you need to find another school.

I have a 9 and 11 year old, they aren’t even the most mature children but I’d have no qualms about leaving them in a coffee shop with instructions to stay put & be sensible. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong here OP.

How do you know there was a waiting room?

The mum was clearly intending to make you miss your appointment.

she has no issues with the children going to costa alone when she decides.

the children’s father has no issues with the children going to costa alone.

youve done nothing wrong. But I certainly wouldnt be doing the childcare anymore. Thats the mother and fathers role.

why do you have them every weekend? That really isnt fair though. That's all the downtime fun time and none of the school runs etc.

I think the family court might be more concerned about the mother prioritising chatting to her friends over picking her children up at the agreed time.

I’ve never heard of the residential parent doing the drop offs and pick ups unless they’ve moved far away and as you were going that way anyway it does seem silly that you couldn’t just drop them off.

Why not? Why are RPs beyond doing their share?

*I’m not going to say you were in the right just because you are a woman and a step parent like many MNers do.

You were more in the wrong and all you can do is apologise and explain yourself*

Nobody's saying that, they're saying she's in the right because it's fine to leave children of this age in Costa. Bit presumptuous to say she needs to apologise when the majority agree she's done nothing wrong.

Depends on the kids and place. When mine were that age if it was somewhere they knew I’d have done this at a push but had them sit beside the counter and under strict instructions not to move. I’d have made sure they went to the loo first so they wouldn’t need to move. You say you asked their Dad and he said it was fine so YANBU

They were perfectly adequately safe and protected.