To have abandoned them

[Iyjd]

We live about 35 minutes drive from DSCs Mum and we usually have them every weekend for the full weekend, this weekend she had plans so asked if she could have them from 10am yesterday and she would pick them up, DP normally does all pick ups and drop offs.

I had an appointment 10 minutes from her house at 10:15 so offered to meet her at 10 somewhere local and then drive the extra 5 minutes to my appointment instead of her driving here and back. I was on time with her DDs (9&11). At 10:10 she hadn’t arrived and I was worried about my appointment, it was important to me and I had prepaid so didn’t want to lose my money, there is a costa next door so I drove and parked up and put DSCs in there with hot chocolate and went to my appointment, oldest DSC messaged her Mum telling her where to pick them up from as we drove down.

I came out of my appointment and they were still sat in Costa without their Mum so I sat with them until about 10:45 when she arrived, when she came in she said sorry to her DDs for being late because she “got chatting to her friend in Tesco” and seemed to smirk at me. When they went to hug me bye she told them they didn’t have time and she blanked me.

A couple of hours later she’s been ringing my DP constantly and screaming down the phone about me putting her children in danger and that she will be contacting the police, social services and my work (I’m a teacher) about how I am unsafe around children. There have been some horrific texts about me saying she will let everyone know that I’m a danger and how I neglect children. I cannot get pregnant and a few years ago DSC1 asked if I would have a baby and DP explained that I can’t (with my agreement) and she must have told her Mum, this is now plastered all over her Facebook saying it is gods way of protecting the child from my harm (my friend checked her Facebook and called me after I had mentioned the incident yesterday, I didn’t ask and didn’t really want to know and she’s agreed not to in future).

I’m just wondering if it was acceptable to leave them in Costa, people I know irl have said yes but I’m not sure if they are just backing me up out of kindness.

You absolutely wouldn’t be prosecuted for neglect for leaving a 9 and 11 year old in Costa for half an hour and something happened. I work with children and this wouldn’t even cross my mind as something I should worry about.

OP do you have screenshots of the vile things she’s put on fb? If not can you get some? I would be furious and upset about that. I’m sorry you had to deal with it.

Of course you did the right thing.

All the pp saying it’s unsafe, terrible etc etc. How old are your dc? I can’t believe any parent with older dc would see anything wrong with this.

Being in eye shot asking for cutlery is very different isn’t it? Yes, of course they know how to deal with these scenarios, why would I want them to though? I think people are very blasé to risks. I haven’t failed as a parent. I just protect them, and I’m no different to other parents I know. They’d be able to cope if I was unwell, but you can’t prevent that. You can prevent leaving kids unattended because you’re attending an appointment. If my children went into school beaming that their step mum left them alone I’d be pulled up.

I suspect you may have got a different response if you had just asked the question would you leave a 9 and 11 year old alone in Costa without the rest of the story.

She has behaved appallingly but I don’t actually think that’s relevant to whether or not you were right to leave them. I personally wouldn’t have left someone else’s children like that without at least having made contact myself with the Mum to check they were close by and she was ok with that.

She (the mum) is an UberCunt and obviously tried to fuck up your appointment.

You did nothing wrong OP. Next time she asks a favour the appropriate response could be Fuck Off Twat.

It’s one of those things that it could be gone, might not, my 10 yo would be fine, my 8 yo probably still won’t be okay in two years time as he’d get something in his head and leave/do something. It also depends on the appointment- doctor or consultant I might, wax, manicure etc I would say I’d definitely reschedule

I don't think you did anything wrong, and I would use this as a reason to be less flexible in arrangements with her in future.

All the parenting book I read say we do children a disservice by being helicopter parents, not letting them do thing, like wait for 20 minutes in a cafe at 9 and 11, that kids were expected to do just a generation or two ago. In the book I’m currently reading the author points out that in Japan 7 year olds take the underground trains by themselves and nobody blinks. You sound like a wonderful step mum and human, for what it’s worth.

basically you made a judgement based on your knowledge of the children and it sounds like they were fine. Now she was the one that wasn’t where she was supposed to be. She sounds toxic and created a situation to stress you and smear you. I would be upset, anyone would be.

I don’t have any advice on how to proceed, but her accusations are worth nothing and won’t damage you professionally. I hope your husband takes her to task. Don’t do her any favours. The thing that would hurt her the most is just to shrug it off for the nonsense it is and live your best life.

She sounds like a cunt. A cunt who thinks she’s won the lottery with a ‘situation’ to exploit for attention online. The fact that she herself allows the nearly 10 year old to go to Costa with her friend shows this is about her getting attention, not ‘fears’ for the kids‘ safety.

Also gloating online that the OP’s infertility as a way of protecting kids, is a fucking disgrace.

Just to be clear, I don’t mean I want to see them, I mean for you to have in case she carries on and you need to take her vile behaviour to any authority.

There's nothing wrong with a Year 5 child and a Year 6/7 child sitting in a coffee shop 100m from you for half an hour. I played out with friends further than that from any parents (and without phones). This was the 00s. The ex sounds like a nightmare. Really horrific that she mocked you for your infertility.

She was late, and didn't even have the decency to let you know even knowing you have an appt.

They are fine to be left in costa, for what should have been no time at all as she should have already been there. If she chose not to get there for another 30 mins that's on her. Her DD messages so she knew where they were.

I'd be saying to her and DP that you won't be looking after them/left responsible after this and they can sort the childcare between them.

Also is Tesco even open at 10am on a Sunday? Can you catch her out in that lie?

I have step siblings. At 9 and 11 they weren't even picked up, they used to bike for 30 minutes to get home on their own, nothing remotely dangerous hapened. Sitting in Costa is completely ok.

I've only read the first 100 posts on this but some things jumped out at me.

1. The children are absolutely nothing to you @Iyjd as you keep referring to a DP and not a DH so anything you do is out of the kindness of your heart alone. You do not have to do ANYTHING for these children. They are your DP's children and you are helping him out not her.
2. In the past both your DP and PW (that's Psycho Woman, or Mum to the children) have both left their children in this Costa for a period of time but when you do it, PW kicks off. That shows you the type of person you're dealing with in PW.
3. The children didn't feel unsafe in the Costa as they had clearly done it before and they knew where you were if they needed you.

The one thing I would add is that going forwards, you can tell your DP that you will be spending time with his children only when he is around. You are covering your ass here and you will no longer be bringing the kids with you when you have appointments or to hand over to their mother. That is between HIM and HER. She can get off her ass and collect her children if she wants them or he can bring them to her. You're stepping back now based entirely on how she has behaved. This will bite her in the bum in time, because there will be a day when your DP and PW are both unavailable to look after their own children and they will come to you to ask whether you can do it. With your head held high you can give a firm and resounding no and feel no ill will towards their parents. They have both made this situation.

You know these kids and you clearly enjoy spending time with them but you have to protect yourself (particularly in the job you are in) on the off chance that someone she may speak to thinks she is serious and takes her allegations seriously.

Now, I'll go back and read from post 101 onwards. Hope you get the situation sorted.

I would have taken them to the appointment tbh and told them to wait in the waiting room

Is t she the one who abandoned her kids by not turning up on time. If she was so bothered about them being in Costa alone she shouldn’t have spent 45 mins chatting with a friend. You need to turn this round onto her. You’ve done nothing wrong

I don't think that could have worked. For all OP knew, the mother was a minute away. She'd probably have kicked off at having to locate her kids in a random parking spot. They'd have been in more potential danger from a random creep or mad axeman sitting in a car on their own than in a busy coffee shop.

Having had a very difficult ex, rightly or wrongly it is something that would cross my mind. Even if it didn't reach the bar if prosecution, could this be problematic in family court.

Maybe if I hadn't had the experience of justified everything I might feel similar to you

I can also assure you the police/social care/your work will not be interested what so ever. If anything she'll find she'll get the advice herself to be on time for her own children or communicate better in future!

She was the lapse parent by chatting to a friend and not prioritising her children's care.
FYI she knows this, and this is why she is now kicking off at you, to cover herself.

I agree that she sounds like a cunt. You tried to help her out and save her a journey and she messed up. You know the kids well enough to assess whether they were safe to be left for a short time, and it was fine. Her fault for being late and not communicating with you.

Batshit. Your dp should ask her to remove all that shit from her social media. Never do her favours again, she is a horrible cow.

But this person must have been happy about the stepmother making decisions as she was OK with stepmother looking after her children and bringing them to her. Inevitably if the stepmother is in charge she's going to be making decisions about the children all the time. If, for instance, one of the children had been taken ill or been injured on the way there, she would have had to take an immediate decision about how to treat her, how to clean her up, whether to go home, whether to go the doctor or A&E, etc.

If you were late and too busy chatting with your mates in Tesco's, why isn't it all right for the stepmother to OK things with the children's other parent?

OP didn't leave a 9 year old alone.

OP didn't leave them for 45 minutes. She was less than half an hour.

It's in the opening paragraph!