Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 12 13 14 ··· 22 23

Original poster

To have abandoned them

558 replies

Iyjd · 05/03/2023 07:31

We live about 35 minutes drive from DSCs Mum and we usually have them every weekend for the full weekend, this weekend she had plans so asked if she could have them from 10am yesterday and she would pick them up, DP normally does all pick ups and drop offs.

I had an appointment 10 minutes from her house at 10:15 so offered to meet her at 10 somewhere local and then drive the extra 5 minutes to my appointment instead of her driving here and back. I was on time with her DDs (9&11). At 10:10 she hadn’t arrived and I was worried about my appointment, it was important to me and I had prepaid so didn’t want to lose my money, there is a costa next door so I drove and parked up and put DSCs in there with hot chocolate and went to my appointment, oldest DSC messaged her Mum telling her where to pick them up from as we drove down.

I came out of my appointment and they were still sat in Costa without their Mum so I sat with them until about 10:45 when she arrived, when she came in she said sorry to her DDs for being late because she “got chatting to her friend in Tesco” and seemed to smirk at me. When they went to hug me bye she told them they didn’t have time and she blanked me.

A couple of hours later she’s been ringing my DP constantly and screaming down the phone about me putting her children in danger and that she will be contacting the police, social services and my work (I’m a teacher) about how I am unsafe around children. There have been some horrific texts about me saying she will let everyone know that I’m a danger and how I neglect children. I cannot get pregnant and a few years ago DSC1 asked if I would have a baby and DP explained that I can’t (with my agreement) and she must have told her Mum, this is now plastered all over her Facebook saying it is gods way of protecting the child from my harm (my friend checked her Facebook and called me after I had mentioned the incident yesterday, I didn’t ask and didn’t really want to know and she’s agreed not to in future).

I’m just wondering if it was acceptable to leave them in Costa, people I know irl have said yes but I’m not sure if they are just backing me up out of kindness.

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 05/03/2023 09:50

OP u didn't do anything wrong. She obviously tried to spoil you going to appointment and then get super cross when her plan didn't work.
As you said mum allows 9 yr old to walk to Costa with friend and you check with their father so she doesn't have a leg to stand on

KM247 · 05/03/2023 09:52

Hard to put myself in that position. Well, I’d only be late for unforeseen reasons, not for chatting in Tesco. Like if an accident happened or temporary traffic lights etc. Yes, I’d be furious. But so would my children’s Dad. I wouldn’t be in the habit of doing the same thing. If I was, I still wouldn’t be happy about the step mother making decisions. It is difficult to compare because I wouldn’t make any of the decisions these parents/step parent make. Leaving a 9 year old alone seems bonkers to me because of an appt.

I think even if I’d previously left kids unattended, I’d still be angry at the step mum making those decisions without me to be honest. I’d expect her to at least try to ‘ok’ it with me.

Stand by what I said, the mothers reaction is unforgivable. The posts about not being able to have children is sickening. Knowing people like her exist is what makes me have trust issues with people in the first place 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Wishona · 05/03/2023 09:52

She being spiteful and ridiculous. I have let mine walk
to a coffee shop at 9 and 11. They can be alone all day at home or out, as that is a judgement I have made about their maturity. They have a phone with them, charged. They know about being safe around strangers. They’ve been offered a lift by one of my friends before and refused until they’d rung me to check (my friend was impressed!) My biggest worry is crossing roads but I hammer this in to them.

My children’s school allow them to walk home alone from year 3 with permission.

Social services would have no concerns. Don’t let her plant that seed.

Anyone reading the baby comment will view her in a very dim light, that’s such a vile thing to say.

Shakirasma · 05/03/2023 09:53

I'm amazed at some of the attitudes on this thread.

Our job as parents is to raise our children to be decent, capable, independent adults. This is done bit by bit , allowing freedom and personal responsibility in a safe way as they age. 30 mins in Costa is entirely age appropriate at this stage. Even the childrens mother realises this in truth, as she has allowed them in Costa unsupervied herself. This is blatantly just an excuse to have a go at OP.

Some of the mums on hear seem to want to wrap their kids in cotton wool and treat them like babies forever. Do they think their offspring will wake up on their 18th birthday and miraculously have learned how to be adults overnight?

KM247 · 05/03/2023 09:53

As I’ve said, someone tried to abduct my child when she was stood next to me, so Costa alone just wouldn’t happen.

LocalHobo · 05/03/2023 09:53

No one leave children that young alone in Costa. Couldn't you take them with you to appointment.
In my local Costa it is certainly not uncommon to see unaccompanied DC. I have no problem with leaving a 9 and 11 there.

JackiePlace · 05/03/2023 09:53

I think whether the mum turned up/was at fault or not is irrrelevant. The question is, is it ok to leave 11 and 9 year old girls in a coffee shop on their own for an hour.
I would say it is as long as they are street savvy.

CoraPirbright · 05/03/2023 09:53

Given that your dh is ok with leaving them in Costa and that they are also allowed to visit this coffee shop without an adult by their own mother, they are sensible and had their phones, I think you did nothing wrong.

What she wrote on Fb about you is unspeakably awful. I am so sorry. However, no one will read that and think she is a good and reasonable person so she has really shown herself up!!

HibiscusYellow · 05/03/2023 09:54

I wouldn’t have left them because I didn’t know where mum was. She could have been in an accident then unable to collect them, then they’d have been left there. As it was 45 minutes was a bit long for them to not know if she was coming.

I’d have happily left them if I’d had communicated with her and she knew for sure.

I’d have taken them to the appointment. If it was truest that impossible to take them and ask them to wait in a waiting room or take them and have dp collect them I’d not have agreed to the drop off. She could have been genuinely delayed, even if she’d aimed to get there. Just don’t put yourself in the position

BeautifulWar · 05/03/2023 09:54

YANBU. She sounds like an absolute cunt.

Nothing more to say, really.

Do 11 year old no longer take themselves to school or go into town without an adult anymore?

Shakirasma · 05/03/2023 09:54

Plus given the OP had the permission of the childrens other parent to do it, she was in no way wrong.

ScottBakula · 05/03/2023 09:55

I think leaving a 9 & 11 Yr old in a coffee shop is fine .
For those of you that don't think it's ok what age would you allow this kind of thing? Do none of you allow your DCs / DSCs to play out or walk to friends houses ?

@Iyjd you know the children better than anyone on mn , so I would imagine you know if they are sensible/ cautious/ know not to talk to strangers / know how to ask for help etc .

The DCs mum was extremely out of order posting anything about you on FB but the medical issues and 'gods way of protecting childran' really is a despicable thing to do .
I don't use FB so I don't know if it's possible but can you ask / can she be forced to take down the post?

Xol · 05/03/2023 09:56

Fire alarm goes off, step mothers car breaks down, her appointment is delayed, mother has been taken ill etc

@Newstartonwards, if the fire alarm went off, the chances are that OP would have heard it as she was so close; even if she didn't, the children could have phoned her. If the mother was taken ill, the situation would have been the same as what actually happened - OP would have gone back after 30 minutes and stayed with the children. If the appointment was delayed, OP would presumably have phoned the kids, ascertained that they were still waiting for their mother, and taken a view about cancelling it.

Not sure how her car would break down whilst parked where OP left it before going to Costas, but if it did it would make no difference whatsoever.

aSofaNearYou · 05/03/2023 09:56

I think even if I’d previously left kids unattended, I’d still be angry at the step mum making those decisions without me to be honest. I’d expect her to at least try to ‘ok’ it with me.

Then I sincerely hope no SM ever has to put up with you 🙄

Expecting favours from a step parent but wanting them to run every last thing by you, including things you do yourself, is an egotistical power trip.

"Yes I want you to make yourself available to them, and no doubt I will be furious if you don't "love them like your own", but I will also be incandescent with rage if you don't get my permission for every last thing you do with them because you need to know your place".

It's not a good attitude.

mygoodies · 05/03/2023 09:58

the mum is a bellend OP. her reaction is way off the scale. just don't offer any help in future, it will never be appreciated

KM247 · 05/03/2023 09:58

I work to pay the school fees. Definitely a lot of full time working parents at private schools. The school does have school buses and is on a public transport bus route. Nobody uses the public transports buses until year 9. The school buses pick up from outside pupils houses, of course this does come with a price tag of £8 a day. Most of us drop off and then go to work. Have to say though, school days are longer to facilitate longer holidays. School buses would be more in use I expect if we finished by 4. I drop at 8. Have just enough time to get to station and fast train to London.

User4891 · 05/03/2023 09:59

OP there's a really simple solution to this surely.... You flat out refuse to do any childcare or taxi runs for these kids. Allegations of child abuse are serious and could have serious consequences for any existing/future children that you have. The relationship had broken down too much for you to co-parent. Any childcare needs to be arranged between mum and dad and when their ridiculous, selfish behaviour inevitably screws those kids up you take no part of the blame

GoodChat · 05/03/2023 09:59

I wouldn’t have left them because I didn’t know where mum was. She could have been in an accident then unable to collect them, then they’d have been left there.

But the OP went back - so they wouldn't have been left there.

ScottBakula · 05/03/2023 10:00

Aprilx · 05/03/2023 07:55

No she was late. Not good. But she wasn’t the one that left them alone in a coffee shop. That was the OP.

What if a parent was late collecting from nursery and the staff put the children on the side of the street, locked up and went home? Would you consider that entirely the parents fault too, I doubt it.

Show quote history

You seemed to of missed ( despite it been repeated often ) that the are not nursery age children and were not left on the street after finishing school.

This is a total different scenario.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 05/03/2023 10:02

Iyjd · 05/03/2023 07:41

No special needs and I put they are 9 and 11. They are allowed to go to where this Costa is on their own with friends, their mum drops them off where I was meeting her.

And I couldn’t take them to the appointment, or I would have to save myself money on their expensive order.

She has form for expecting me to sort the childcare and kicking off if I don’t, she seems to expect it from me more than their Dad for some reason.

Show quote history

9 & 11 I'd be really angry if you left mine in Tesco, but then I wouldn't be late without good reason and would have called you. Given this update though she's being completely unreasonable. Even without the update her behaviour was really nasty. I'd back right off, leave communication and child transport up to you DP and have nothing more to do with her.

Xol · 05/03/2023 10:02

KM247 · 05/03/2023 09:31

Personally, I don’t think a 9 year old is equipped to deal with a creep approaching or having to rely on a random member of staff helping them if they drop they drop their hot drink. A child is so precious I don’t take risks with mine. They have plenty of activities in their life that build resilience and independence, they don’t need to be left alone until I decide the time is right. As I said on my other post, mine go to private school and nobody would even consider letting an 11 year old travel to school by themselves. So I think it depends on the other parents you’re surrounded by. You can only parent them once, I do what I think is best.

As a matter of interest, if you were to take your rising 10 and 11 year old out to a restaurant or café, would you never leave them on their own, even for a second - say, to go and ask for some cutlery, or go to the loo? Frankly, if you say no, I wouldn't believe you. And of course they can just as easily spill a drink or be approached by a creepy man then. If you haven't taught them how to deal with both scenarios, you've failed quite seriously as a parent. How would they cope if they were out with you and you were taken ill?

Xol · 05/03/2023 10:05

At our local primary at 9 and 10 you are not allowed to leave the school unless a adult is present. You are allowed to walk home independently with written permission at 11.

What happened at your school certainly isn't universal

But that's irrelevant, isn't it, @Icedlatteplease? The fact is that many, many primary schools and parents do allow this and it's regarded as perfectly sensible, safe parenting.

Advicerequest · 05/03/2023 10:06

Yes it is fine as long as they weren't scared. I let mine go to school alone in the train in london at ten. I left them alone in a restaurant while I went to search for a list parcel when they were eight. Sensible children both.

Standbyguest · 05/03/2023 10:06

@Aprilx they weren't nursery age children! They are 11 and 9, and had a phone, and were sat in Costa, not the side of the road. Your scenario is completely different and ridiculous.

Icedlatteplease · 05/03/2023 10:08