To have abandoned them

[Iyjd]

We live about 35 minutes drive from DSCs Mum and we usually have them every weekend for the full weekend, this weekend she had plans so asked if she could have them from 10am yesterday and she would pick them up, DP normally does all pick ups and drop offs.

I had an appointment 10 minutes from her house at 10:15 so offered to meet her at 10 somewhere local and then drive the extra 5 minutes to my appointment instead of her driving here and back. I was on time with her DDs (9&11). At 10:10 she hadn’t arrived and I was worried about my appointment, it was important to me and I had prepaid so didn’t want to lose my money, there is a costa next door so I drove and parked up and put DSCs in there with hot chocolate and went to my appointment, oldest DSC messaged her Mum telling her where to pick them up from as we drove down.

I came out of my appointment and they were still sat in Costa without their Mum so I sat with them until about 10:45 when she arrived, when she came in she said sorry to her DDs for being late because she “got chatting to her friend in Tesco” and seemed to smirk at me. When they went to hug me bye she told them they didn’t have time and she blanked me.

A couple of hours later she’s been ringing my DP constantly and screaming down the phone about me putting her children in danger and that she will be contacting the police, social services and my work (I’m a teacher) about how I am unsafe around children. There have been some horrific texts about me saying she will let everyone know that I’m a danger and how I neglect children. I cannot get pregnant and a few years ago DSC1 asked if I would have a baby and DP explained that I can’t (with my agreement) and she must have told her Mum, this is now plastered all over her Facebook saying it is gods way of protecting the child from my harm (my friend checked her Facebook and called me after I had mentioned the incident yesterday, I didn’t ask and didn’t really want to know and she’s agreed not to in future).

I’m just wondering if it was acceptable to leave them in Costa, people I know irl have said yes but I’m not sure if they are just backing me up out of kindness.

Those are her kids and she neglected them by being late. She did that on purpose 100% and should be angry at herself not you. To be honest she should be thanking you for going back and checking they were still there after your appointment as I'd have assumed as a mother she would have already collected them already. The fact you even checked shows how shit she is.

You need to take a step back from getting involved in their childcare arrangements, OP. You need to leave it to your DP and his ex wife.
She sounds really nasty. Posting your medical info on facebook? I have no words.

You checked with their Dad. Those dismissing his permission, why doesn’t his parental view matter?

You would be incandescent if someone left your 11 and lost 10 year old in Costa when you were in the habit of doing exactly the same thing? And when you were already late in picking them up because you were chatting to your mates in Tescos? Your first paragraph shows that you are much more sensible than that.

It is in Scotland. Also in south africa and Germany, both counties I have lived in/spent childhood in.

It is actually normal in most places. England is the odd one out.

It seems ridiculous to ignore facts “because they came later”

If they're half sensible kids, who know not to go off with anyone other than you, your DP or their mother, I think it's fine.

I find it sad that kids get so little freedom these days. I went out with friends and no adult when I was 10, and we were allowed to buy a drink or an ice cream at a cafe in the park and stuff.

Their DM is behaving like an utter twat.

Either way, it's done now. But moving forward, you never, ever, ever again do her a childcare-related favour.

Risks? Sitting in Costa isnt a risk.

But then I also let my kids paddleboard out in the sea whilst I sit on the beach, so I'd probably be in prison for neglect if people on here had their way.

You don't teach 11 year olds in Year 7, do you? Do you think it's "awful" that thousands of them are left to get themselves to and from school every day? I'm prepared to bet that many of the rising 10s in your school do as well.

I think a key point here is the fact that they have been left on their own before BY MUM. Therefore, the op isn’t in the wrong to also leave them somewhere safe, Mum is in the wrong for not being on time to collect her children.
If i were the op i would refuse to be in sole charge of the children ever again.

My view is you were stuck between a rock and a hard place but probably made the wrong call - though the reaction is ludicrous.

I'd have left them in the car at the appointment location, it's only the same as nipping out to go to the shop and letting the kids stay in the car if they don't want to come in. She was definitely late on purpose and is clearly a bellend.

At 9 and 11 mins would go and get a hot chocolate together. This isn’t about the Lea it but about her being an arse. Leave her to it - no favours as they are not your responsibility. No contact between you and her because of her abuse.

Leaving them in Costa wasn't a particularly big deal. I think I would have taken them to my appointment and made her wait for them instead though.

oh auto correct mangled that! I have safeguarding responsibilities too.

Consider the common scenario that a parent has to allow their opposite sex child to go unsupervised to a separate public toilet, or changing room, whereas here the OP has left 2 children together in a public cafe.

I don’t know what the OP has done wrong here, in the situation she was left in.

On another note, I cannot believe that some schools in England need written permission for a 10 year old to walk home alone. Utterly batshit.

It is ridiculous, by that age it should be more the case that the parent has to put in writing if the child isn't allowed to walk home alone. The only time I had to give written permission for my DD to walk home alone was when she was 6, in preschool, because it was still classed as childcare not school.

YANBU OP, especially as the children are already allowed to go to Costa by themselves anyway. The mum clearly just wanted to make you miss your appointment and is pissed off her plan didn't work.

And I think the mother has behaved appallingly.

Unless your children's school is in the middle of nowhere or provides coaches and taxis for every child, many of the pupils certainly get themselves to school, whether it's by bus, train, walking, cycling, or indeed driving if they are over 17. It is physically impossible for working parents with younger children to take secondary age children to and from school every day, and it's really bad for the children not to be allowed even that degree of independence.

For those saying they shouldn't have been left next door in a costa with phones but rather outside in the car. What's the difference?!

It was a short appointment and they had phones and were inside with a hot chocolate. They could have gone next door if there was an issue and got OP.

OP screenshot all texts and beg someone to screen shot hen FB page.

If She tries to take it further supply them.

It's not illegal or neglect to leave children. They were in a safe place. Also mention she does the same so didn't realise she'd have a problem if you do it.

Then refuse to do any further care for either girl in your own again. I'd go as far as refusing to change the agreed contact for her benefit again too. But you'd have to be really careful that doesn't go against the girls best interests.

What you did was fine, of course children of that age can be left in a coffee shop for a while. She sounds horrible.

She's a nasty piece of work. You've done nothing wrong, and I agree with pp that she smirked as she thought you'd missed your appointment.

And when she realised she was wrong, she lost her shit.

Don't do anything to help her out again. She's a horrible woman.

You're going to get a mixed bag here OP. Most people's opinions will rest on the areas they live (city v's villages) what's the done thing in their communities, maturity of their kids etc...

Personally I would have done the same but it probably would have rested on my previous experiences with their SM.

It sounds like she has major resentment towards you (your partner?) I imagine her reaction was not a surprise? Lesson learned, do not get involved in any other pick up/drop off logistics.

She may be unhappy (or happy?) with the way this has played out but from your description of events, this has way more to do with her issues with you/your partner than her children's safety - why on earth is it ok for her to 'get chatting' to someone and be 45 mins late to collect her children - she instigated the early pick up! If I was going to be 45 mins late to get my kids from ANYWHERE (childcare setting, playdate, custody arrangement) I'd be letting someone know and breaking my neck to get there.

Using another woman's fertility as a weapon is abhorrent. For me, that would be the end of any communication or lectures I would take from this person. Definitely ask your friend to screenshot in case she makes good on her threats.

I'd say its safer to leave them in Costa where there's other people around than in the car where there would be no one else around if a creep came up to the car, and more pleasant for the children too.

She is an abusive woman and very cruel. She is also a drama queen. They are allowed to go to Costa with friends so going together is no different. You consulted their parent who agreed. If anyone is in the wrong it's her for being 45 minutes late. She was trying to sabotage your appointment. In future don't do her any favours with regards to childcare. They aren't your responsibility. I wouldn't even communicate with her let your DH deal with her.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. They are 9 and 11 and, as you have said, are able to go out with their friends independently.
Do not do any childcare for her in future And have no part in the arrangements.