To have abandoned them

[Iyjd]

We live about 35 minutes drive from DSCs Mum and we usually have them every weekend for the full weekend, this weekend she had plans so asked if she could have them from 10am yesterday and she would pick them up, DP normally does all pick ups and drop offs.

I had an appointment 10 minutes from her house at 10:15 so offered to meet her at 10 somewhere local and then drive the extra 5 minutes to my appointment instead of her driving here and back. I was on time with her DDs (9&11). At 10:10 she hadn’t arrived and I was worried about my appointment, it was important to me and I had prepaid so didn’t want to lose my money, there is a costa next door so I drove and parked up and put DSCs in there with hot chocolate and went to my appointment, oldest DSC messaged her Mum telling her where to pick them up from as we drove down.

I came out of my appointment and they were still sat in Costa without their Mum so I sat with them until about 10:45 when she arrived, when she came in she said sorry to her DDs for being late because she “got chatting to her friend in Tesco” and seemed to smirk at me. When they went to hug me bye she told them they didn’t have time and she blanked me.

A couple of hours later she’s been ringing my DP constantly and screaming down the phone about me putting her children in danger and that she will be contacting the police, social services and my work (I’m a teacher) about how I am unsafe around children. There have been some horrific texts about me saying she will let everyone know that I’m a danger and how I neglect children. I cannot get pregnant and a few years ago DSC1 asked if I would have a baby and DP explained that I can’t (with my agreement) and she must have told her Mum, this is now plastered all over her Facebook saying it is gods way of protecting the child from my harm (my friend checked her Facebook and called me after I had mentioned the incident yesterday, I didn’t ask and didn’t really want to know and she’s agreed not to in future).

I’m just wondering if it was acceptable to leave them in Costa, people I know irl have said yes but I’m not sure if they are just backing me up out of kindness.

OP I hope this has made you realise not to do anymore favours or childcare for your SC again, I also hope your DP has spoken to his ex partner about her behaviour towards you and releasing such sensitive and private information.
She was meant to collect them on time and Costa was your only immediate solution, my children were walking to and from the bus stop aged 11 and crossing three roads to get there and back, so being alone in a cafe for a short amount of time with a phone isn’t an issue.

We have a "Middle School" system, so Year 5's are actively encouraged to walk to and from school on their own. There's also a Costa on the way home, so my 9 year old used to pop in on the way home from
School with some friends- as did half the year! She's completely in the wrong and just causing trouble.

It was clearly ok as the children sat and waited. The mum did it on purpose, I'd be doing no more favours ever, you didn't abandon them at all and as for Facebook what a disgusting human being she is writing that

@Newstartonwards you’re a teacher and you think 16 is an appropriate age to start being left alone in a coffee shop!

Mine were camping at Reading Festival for the weekend at 16.

A teacher in England?

I'll tell you something that happened this week to us. My 11 year old had a last minute medical appointment which I had to be in the room for, so couldnt leave him. It was at 2.30 and would finish around 3.15. The medical centre is a couple hundred yards up from the high street.

My other son would finish school at 3pm. He is 9. When I collected my 11 year old, I gave the Principle Teacher an envelope with £5 in it and had written, "Your brother has his appointment. Do not go home, don't wait for your brother. Here is £5, walk to the bakery and get a treat then wait for us on the seats. We'll be about 20 minutes."

The principle teacher took it and gave it to my 9 year old and told me that David (not his real name) from my son's class waits for his mum in the same bakery every day after school so he'd have someone to hang out with. It is totally normal. Our teacher's dont bat an eyelid at it.

Based on your second post, stop communicating with her completely. Don’t do any childcare for her. Leave it up to DP.

I

Fire alarm goes off, step mothers car breaks down, her appointment is delayed, mother has been taken ill etc

my daughter caught a bus to school and back from a bus station. She’s very wise and waited in greggs every day. Either getting a hot chocolate or whatever if the bus was late or early.

she was and is incredibly smart - over 5 times on separate occasions was approached by MEN asking to buy her a drink, drop HER home etc the people in greggs were great as the bus was to an all girls school - mine used to phone me and talk to me but on one occasion whilst she was eating and drinking the staff had to call the police as a creep wouldn’t leave several of the girls alone - but there are plenty of creeps around.

As mum allows them to go to the same Costa on their own then how on earth can she kick up a fuss about you allowing them to be in Costa on their own??

As their Dad said it was fine then there is no issue here whatsoever.

I live near a private school, a state primary and state secondary school. Its true you rarely see the private school children without a parent... but they are usually on the school buses or dropped off by a parent from miles away, whereas the the state school children walk or catch the school bus. Or the public bus if they are from the village 2 miles away. Quite a few of the primary kids arrive alone as well, from the surrounding streets.

At the weekends you can't tell which kids are which at the various shopping centres and leisure facilities..

Why does it matter if it came later? It doesn't change the facts. Even if you ignore them, you are left with the fact that these children are of an age when most parents give their children a bit of independence, and would view leaving them together in a coffee shop for, at most, 30 minutes as perfectly sensible and reasonable.

What dreadful scenarios are you envisaging? No-one other than the actively insane is going to try to snatch two children that age from a public restaurant or attack them in full view of other adults. If they are insane, they'd do it anyway even if OP was with them.

The stuff she is putting on sm is defamatory and you should seek legal help. If you are a member of a teacher’s union they will be able to assist. If you are not a member join now. If that sounds a bit scary don’t worry. They will probably just send her a cease and desist letter - in the first instance. She should take all the Facebook allegations down as anything in writing is defamation.

For what it’s worth I would have stayed with the kids. But I think she set you up. And you unfortunately took the bait.

I hope your dp is supportive and wish you luck moving forward.

It's all on her. Chatting to her friend was more important than the welfare of her children. She's treated you with contempt thinking it's ok to keep you waiting and potentially missing your appointment.

I'd not give her any more head space.

Presumably your dp was home? You taking them with you was about her convenience right, not that they'd have been home alone if you hadn't taken them?
She's ridiculous, and in future she comes to your house to collect the dc.
I'd have called to check with/advise dp what I was going to do in your situation (not clear from your posts if you did) but other than that I probably wouldn't have done anything different. She's just pissed that you didn't miss your appointment.

No, we can all see that having shown yourself up with the utterly ridiculous comparison to a nursery abandoning children on their own, you are desperate to find some sort of stick to beat OP with. Give it up, you aren't persuading anyone.

She didn’t miss any of those details, read the post properly

But those arent realistic risks. By 11 and 9, your kids should have been taught what to do in a fire alarm etc. They go outside and wait in the area where the staff wait too. They pick up their phone to call you, their mum, their dad.

These things arent risks. They're part of life and a 3 year old wouldnt know what to do but a 9 year old with a phone does.

If your 11 and 9 year old cannot say no, shout, tell the staff or call you if a man asks them to leave the shop with them or buys them a drink then you have failed to teach them.

These are risks. This is life and they're at an age to know what to do, especially in a public place with people who will hear them shout no and with a phone.

She's being ridiculous.

My 9 year old walks home from school alone. I wouldn't have a problem with this. You left them somewhere safe and were nice enough to buy them hot chocolate.

11 years old is secondary or away to start secondary. Most kids I know this age are going to cafes etc with their friends to prepare to become more independent.

She may think she wouldn't have done it but ringing constantly and shouting abuse is not a normal reaction to this and you shouldn't have to put up with it whatever the circumstances.

But you are a step mother on Mumsnet so no doubt it is somehow your fault and you are to expect her to be emotional!

Ultimately, she doesn't like you and is pissed off that the kids do

Never a good deed eh Op?

You were just trying to help her out.

Well you'll know not to bother in future.

Perhaps knowing that you couldn't take them in with you there was always a risk that you would have to leave them waiting for her so best not to have bothered.

Leave it all to your OH now.

I really do feel quite sorry for all these children who are 9/10/11 and who aren't allowed to do anything alone, ever, or even be with an older sibling without mum's constant presence.

Not sure what private school and buses has to do with it, round here kids in the "Transitus" year are 10.5 - 11.5 and travel by train to the local private school. Without parents.

Personally, I don’t think a 9 year old is equipped to deal with a creep approaching or having to rely on a random member of staff helping them if they drop they drop their hot drink. A child is so precious I don’t take risks with mine. They have plenty of activities in their life that build resilience and independence, they don’t need to be left alone until I decide the time is right. As I said on my other post, mine go to private school and nobody would even consider letting an 11 year old travel to school by themselves. So I think it depends on the other parents you’re surrounded by. You can only parent them once, I do what I think is best.

At our local primary at 9 and 10 you are not allowed to leave the school unless a adult is present. You are allowed to walk home independently with written permission at 11.

What happened at your school certainly isn't universal

If both of the girls parents were fine with the Costa situation, then it should've been ok for you to do it. But their Mother has caused a huge stink so I'd never want to be responsible for them again personally. What a pity for the girls as you sound both thoughtful & kind.

OP knows these children better than you do and knows whether they were seriously likely to walk off. If they had felt ill they could phone OP and she could have been with them in a couple of minutes.

I think your mistake was being kind in first place and doing her a favour…

I’m not sure I would’ve left them in costa however, if you had called her, then the onus is on her to collect them timely. It is actually her fault - she should’ve collected her children on time. I’m sure if DP had not collected them on time she would be furious.

She sounds very bitter. I suspect she thought you would’ve missed your appointment and was then furious that you didn’t.

A child is so precious I don’t take risks with mine.

Lovely wee passive aggressive dig - My children are clearly much more precious to me than the children of you neglectful harpies who abandon them with hot chocolate in Costa.

On another note, I cannot believe that some schools in England need written permission for a 10 year old to walk home alone. Utterly batshit.