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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have abandoned them

558 replies

Iyjd · 05/03/2023 07:31

We live about 35 minutes drive from DSCs Mum and we usually have them every weekend for the full weekend, this weekend she had plans so asked if she could have them from 10am yesterday and she would pick them up, DP normally does all pick ups and drop offs.

I had an appointment 10 minutes from her house at 10:15 so offered to meet her at 10 somewhere local and then drive the extra 5 minutes to my appointment instead of her driving here and back. I was on time with her DDs (9&11). At 10:10 she hadn’t arrived and I was worried about my appointment, it was important to me and I had prepaid so didn’t want to lose my money, there is a costa next door so I drove and parked up and put DSCs in there with hot chocolate and went to my appointment, oldest DSC messaged her Mum telling her where to pick them up from as we drove down.

I came out of my appointment and they were still sat in Costa without their Mum so I sat with them until about 10:45 when she arrived, when she came in she said sorry to her DDs for being late because she “got chatting to her friend in Tesco” and seemed to smirk at me. When they went to hug me bye she told them they didn’t have time and she blanked me.

A couple of hours later she’s been ringing my DP constantly and screaming down the phone about me putting her children in danger and that she will be contacting the police, social services and my work (I’m a teacher) about how I am unsafe around children. There have been some horrific texts about me saying she will let everyone know that I’m a danger and how I neglect children. I cannot get pregnant and a few years ago DSC1 asked if I would have a baby and DP explained that I can’t (with my agreement) and she must have told her Mum, this is now plastered all over her Facebook saying it is gods way of protecting the child from my harm (my friend checked her Facebook and called me after I had mentioned the incident yesterday, I didn’t ask and didn’t really want to know and she’s agreed not to in future).

I’m just wondering if it was acceptable to leave them in Costa, people I know irl have said yes but I’m not sure if they are just backing me up out of kindness.

OP posts:
Plumbear2 · 05/03/2023 09:09

Timeforchangeithink · 05/03/2023 09:07

Absolutely not OK..Costa isn't a childminding service - what if one of them had taken ill or like kids do, fell out and one walked off. You should have messaged her and sad you couldn't wait and taken them to your appointment.

The don't need to be childminded at nearly 10 and 11.

Zanatdy · 05/03/2023 09:09

Well I personally wouldn’t have left them in Costa alone but would have taken them with me to the appointment (and texted her to say where they were). But they aren’t babies and old enough to sit and wait. Plus you assumed their mum would be minutes. She’s totally out of order posting your private info all over FB

Beautiful3 · 05/03/2023 09:10

It was fine, and you know it. She just wanted to make you miss your appointment. When she realised that you still went, she got mad. Ignore her, leave all future arrangements between her and your husband. Don't offer to meet before an appointment again. You did nothing wrong, she's just trying to hurt you.

KM247 · 05/03/2023 09:10

She is completely overstepping the mark with the hideous and cruel things she is saying about you. In the same shoes, I’d be so anxious about being late for my children, I’d be calling you and saying ‘I’m so sorry, please apologise and I’ll be there asap’ I’d also offer to refund you any lost money.

However, I’d be incandescent if someone left my children alone in Costa Coffee. She was wrong to be late, and her reaction is unforgivable, but, the safety of the children was more important than any appointment and money.

KevinsChilli · 05/03/2023 09:10

Timeforchangeithink · 05/03/2023 09:07

Absolutely not OK..Costa isn't a childminding service - what if one of them had taken ill or like kids do, fell out and one walked off. You should have messaged her and sad you couldn't wait and taken them to your appointment.

What happens when 11 year olds walking to school/meeting up with friends on a weekend take ill? Why is this specific scenario more dangerous?

Runningonjammiedodgers · 05/03/2023 09:10

Totally fine in my opinion. My 12 year old would collect my 8 year from after school club and be home for an hour or so before I got back from work. They also like to go into town together at the weekends for a few hours or pop down to the local shops for a wonder.

You know them, you know how mature they are and how they get on. If DP was happy I don't see how it's a big deal. Agree with other posters that she is pissed she didn't manage to ruin your plans.

mommatoone · 05/03/2023 09:10

Well she sounds like an absolute dick, and i imagine whatever you did - it would be wrong in her eyes!

Changechangechanging · 05/03/2023 09:11

It wasn't ideal. But she needs to take responsibility for being late.

FrenchandSaunders · 05/03/2023 09:11

For those saying they are too young. At what age would you do this out of interest?

Everyonesinvited · 05/03/2023 09:12

You did nothing wrong. What an awful woman.

converseandjeans · 05/03/2023 09:13

My guess is mum was deliberately late assuming you'd have missed your appointment. When she realised the plan hadn't worked she got angry.

I agree with this. She is being ridiculous. You were doing her a favour by saving her the journey.

It sounds like she usually has every weekend off and then suddenly decides she wants the girls.

I feel sorry for the girls with all that shouting and ranting going on.

WeepingSomnambulist · 05/03/2023 09:13

Timeforchangeithink · 05/03/2023 09:07

Absolutely not OK..Costa isn't a childminding service - what if one of them had taken ill or like kids do, fell out and one walked off. You should have messaged her and sad you couldn't wait and taken them to your appointment.

If your kids are going to behave like that then you haven't prepared them for going out alone. That is your failing. Not the child's.

11 and 9 is a totally normal age to send them out on their own to go places, take buses, have time out on their own. They should have been prepared for it by that age and know the absolute must not's when they are out and about. Storming off is a must not. If your kid cant be trusted then your kid isnt ready, but look all over the world. Kids are normally ready. Just not a lot of mumsnet's british kids.

aSofaNearYou · 05/03/2023 09:13

KM247 · 05/03/2023 09:10

She is completely overstepping the mark with the hideous and cruel things she is saying about you. In the same shoes, I’d be so anxious about being late for my children, I’d be calling you and saying ‘I’m so sorry, please apologise and I’ll be there asap’ I’d also offer to refund you any lost money.

However, I’d be incandescent if someone left my children alone in Costa Coffee. She was wrong to be late, and her reaction is unforgivable, but, the safety of the children was more important than any appointment and money.

Do you have an 11 year old and do they ever do anything without an adult?

Icedlatteplease · 05/03/2023 09:13

Crispymandm · 05/03/2023 08:57

@Icedlatteplease You cannot be prosecuted for leaving children alone and putting them at risk. Risk is a part of everyday life. You can be prosecuted if you leave a child unsupervised in a manner likely to cause unnecessary suffering or injury to health. This is not the case here. No need to fear monger.

I hope your right.

When I was growing up it wasn't unusual to be left alone in a hotel with a telephone listening service. I was left on occassion with a teenager known to the hotel. In my parents generation at butlins kids were left alone with a member of staff patrolling the area.

Goodness knows how many children grew up perfectly safely in that scenario.

Now Madeline mccann has happened not many people would leave a child on their own in a hotel room at all, not even with a baby monitor whilst you are in the sane building. That change happened virtually overnight

Is the risk any greater? No but The perception of risk changes with time. Was madeline macann's parents proscuted, ultimately not. But I wouldn’t chose to take the risk of being the one to make the headlines, especially when essentially you are looking after someone else's kid.

StClare101 · 05/03/2023 09:14

You did nothing wrong.

Now she’s outed herself on FB as being batshit crazy. Oh well.

Xol · 05/03/2023 09:16

ShakespearesBlister · 05/03/2023 08:57

They weren't with their friends. They were alone.

Show quote history

Why is a 9 year old with her 11 year old sister in more danger than if she is with her 9 year old friend?

Balloonpopped · 05/03/2023 09:17

DarkForces · 05/03/2023 07:47

Me too. I'm surprised by the reaction on this thread to giving a child who's year 6/7 a smidgeon of freedom.

Show quote history

I'm not, MN is generally pretty wild about stuff like this.

OP it's fine, even if she did report you no one would be arsed. The fact she drops them off there to meet friends proves she also doesn't actually see an issue with it, but she is manufacturing situations which put you in these awkward positions to try and exploit that.

Draw firm boundaries going forward, don't offer to go out the way to drop them off again, DH can lead all plans etc. You can still have a good relationship with them without going the extra mile for their mum when she's just trying to trip you up.

WeepingSomnambulist · 05/03/2023 09:17

KM247 · 05/03/2023 09:10

She is completely overstepping the mark with the hideous and cruel things she is saying about you. In the same shoes, I’d be so anxious about being late for my children, I’d be calling you and saying ‘I’m so sorry, please apologise and I’ll be there asap’ I’d also offer to refund you any lost money.

However, I’d be incandescent if someone left my children alone in Costa Coffee. She was wrong to be late, and her reaction is unforgivable, but, the safety of the children was more important than any appointment and money.

What was unsafe about kids sitting in Costa? What do you actually think is going to happen to them? Realistically, not hysterical nonsense like someone managed to kidnap an 11 year old from a public place where anything like that will be noticed as soon as it starts.

What do you actually think is the risk here? Coffee shops are full of kids that age after school and at weekends. Our local swimming pool has free swimming on a friday for kids and is full of primary kids who have walked up to the swimming alone to get in before the high school finishes.

What is it you think is going to happen? Some people really need to just grow up and let your kids grow up and teach them how to exist in the world. That is your job.

Plumbear2 · 05/03/2023 09:17

Icedlatteplease · 05/03/2023 09:13

I hope your right.

When I was growing up it wasn't unusual to be left alone in a hotel with a telephone listening service. I was left on occassion with a teenager known to the hotel. In my parents generation at butlins kids were left alone with a member of staff patrolling the area.

Goodness knows how many children grew up perfectly safely in that scenario.

Now Madeline mccann has happened not many people would leave a child on their own in a hotel room at all, not even with a baby monitor whilst you are in the sane building. That change happened virtually overnight

Is the risk any greater? No but The perception of risk changes with time. Was madeline macann's parents proscuted, ultimately not. But I wouldn’t chose to take the risk of being the one to make the headlines, especially when essentially you are looking after someone else's kid.

Show quote history

Madeleine was 3. There's a huge difference.

MzHz · 05/03/2023 09:17

Well, you can block the bitch now too @Iyjd and she can sort her own pick ups and drop offs. Not your problem anymore.

let her cut off her nose from her face and tell her that too.

Newstartonwards · 05/03/2023 09:18

As a teacher myself - no way absolutely no way. 9 and 16 yes, 9 and 11 - nope. That’s awful. But how long was your appointment and why couldn’t you take them? Bank? Medical - cancel. Spec savers - they sit outside the room for ten minutes.

m but if you left at 10.10 and you were back by 10.30 - you didn’t allow for a car breaking down, fire alarm going off in costa, etc

Cancel the appointment. 10 minutes grace if she is not there leave. Don’t ever do any drop offs again ever.

FrenchieF · 05/03/2023 09:18

I wouldn’t have left them without speaking to their mum. All you had to do was call the mum before you left them, or text.

Brefugee · 05/03/2023 09:18

Her aggressiveness is her guilt.

her aggressiveness isn'T guilt, if she really was smirking because she was late on purpose, her intention was most likely to fuck up OPs day
So given the calls and SM i'd get the police onto it. And warn your boss.

And in future your DH is in charge of all contact with her about the children, all pick-ups and drop-offs and you do nothing at all unless you are doing it with your DH and the DCs together.

The only answers you ever need to give if anyone asks is that you left them in Costa because you know the mum does that herself.

Crispymandm · 05/03/2023 09:19

This is from the gov website, going from this I’d say op wasn’t doing anything illegal .

To have abandoned them
KM247 · 05/03/2023 09:20

I have an 11 year old and a 7 year old. No, my 11 year old doesn’t do anything yet without an adult. I trust him, but not other people. But someone tried to abduct my daughter from a supermarket a few years ago (she was stood next to me) so I am very overprotective and the statistics the police shared with me won’t ever leave me. A year or so from now, I’ll have to let my eldest have freedom. I will say though, mine go to private school, and nobody lets their children go to school by bus. I’ve noticed that most children at the local comprehensive school seem to take the bus from age 11. That certainly wouldn’t happen at the school my children attend.