To be finding all the days so lonely with a toddler

[Pickupthelastbit]

I thought there was loads on for parents of small children, and we do go to a group every day.

The problem is they are only on in the mornings. They are nice to go to but nothing ever happens after them. So I’m left with a long long afternoon to fill and I find myself dreading them a bit.

Just a bit of a moan!

Yeah. So lonely. There aren’t groups everyday where I am. Lots are expensive or far to travel too so not an option. DS has a long nap in the afternoon, doesn’t stop me being lonely but I can’t get an hour or two of me time.

Have you made any good acquaintances at the groups? Maybe you could go for lunch with them and DCs. I regularly meet with 4 different mums 10-13, take a packed lunch for the children and grab a coffee for myself (lunch at home when DS naps). Now the days are longer it’ll be easier to go out after DS wakes from his nap.

Can you befriend anyone in the group and suggest meeting up afterwards?

Yeah mine naps too … it’s the dead time between 2 and 5 ish I find hardest. Not sure why three hours feels like a lifetime but honestly it does!

I'm with you. It's one of the reasons I work - I have 2 days off a week with DS4 and recently we've ended up at Soft Play at 2pm at least once a week! Best way is to suggest afternoon meets with parents from the toddler groups but I always struggled as most have a baby as well as toddler and they need an afternoon nap.

It's such a shock after the full on nature of being at work, isn't it? I think it's very hard for parents (usually mums) now. Unless your friends are also on maternity leave, they aren't about, and even grandparents are often still working.

Have you considered inviting someone you feel you get on with at one of the groups, to do something with you and LO one afternoon? How old is your child? One of my closest friends is someone I met at a kids' activity over 30 years ago. We'd both arrived too early before it opened, so we chatted while we waited. I suggested getting a coffee once we were in, and it went from there. We're grandmothers now.

I think you have to be proactive and make new friends, if that's what you feel you're missing. It is really hard though, as people always seem busy busy all the time. But there'll be others in your position and you just have to find them.

Put him in nursery and go back to work.

Thanks, I do work 3 days a week. It is tricky as could do with biting the bullet and asking for numbers but the groups are structured so no ‘chat’ time. Plus toddler at a ‘mummyyyy’ age so chatting difficult!

I cross posted and just read your update @Pickupthelastbit If it's the time while he's napping, you really do need to make the most of it. There are lots of things you could do at home - learn something, craft, write, cook, phone a friend, invite someone over etc etc. But if you're really finding it lonely, putting him in nursery and going back to work might be what is best.
Have a grandmotherly hug!

If it was a toddler who barely napped that’s exhausting, but for three hours a day you have time to yourself? If that’s a problem then just pay for nursery and work more days.

It isn’t the nap I struggle with, though. That parts lovely! It’s the long afternoons after the nap.

He doesn’t nap for three hours a day. I said that’s the tricky time when he wakes. If he napped until 5pm he’d never go to bed!

You work three days a week, and you go to groups each other morning? I thought you were going to say that you were a SAHM in a rural area with no baby groups!

So it's just a coupe if afternoons that you're boredDo you not go out for walks? Go to the library? The park?

It sounds like you need to go back to work FT.

Be careful what you wish for, when I had my first DC we met up with anti natal mums every week in someone’s house. It started with 1 or 2 hours in the afternoon, tea and biscuits. By the time it was my turn, come 6 pm they were still here, phoned DH to tell him to get dinner out. Then it started with some mums doing proper sit down lunches, taking 4/5 hours. Looking back it was great fun and had a good mix of mums, visiting their homes anything from one bed studio flat to 6 bedroom mansion on an exclusive estate with nanny, housekeeper and chef. I would ask a couple of mums that you see regularly if they want to meet up for a coffee, I’m sure they are probably in a similar situation.

I think no chatting time for parents is really sad! When kids are tiny there should really be opportunities for their parents to interact with each other. Perhaps you could try a less structured group like mums and toddlers. Do they still have those?

I also thought OP was going to be a SAHM. If it's only a couple of afternoons where you feel lonely then the suggestions of the library, park, soft play etc are good. Even a walk around the local area would help to pass the time.

How old is your little one?

Re: getting to know other parents, if you can't talk that much during activity, always arrive early as some will be waiting to go in. Ideal time to make conversation and hopefully build something up.

It's starting to get lighter and should be warmer soon, so how about going to the park after his nap. If that's close to tea, prep what you can during sleep time. Also, do you have a garden? If so, cutting back, weeding, cutting grass will need doing soon. I used to enjoy planting pots, your little o e might enjoy this with you and can see whatever grow.

Do you have any family, friends or old work colleagues you could invite over occasionally.

I remember feeling exactly like this, also covid lockdowns made it 10x worse!

If you go to the park regularly enough (everyday) you will end up seeing the same faces and saying hello, i’ve made a mum friend that way.

You didn’t say that, you said 2-5 was a ‘dead time’, which is pretty easy to infer as napping. Either way, I’d up your work days if possible.

Another here who assumed the OP was a full time SAHM when first reading her post.

If it's genuinely just a 2 days a week that you have to occupy him and on both of those days you do groups in the mornings then I'm surprised you're finding it lonely. Maybe going back full time would be a better option?

Chatting to parents can feel intimidating but most are happy to strike up a conversation. You could try less structured groups or start chatting to other parents at the park to try to make some mum friends.

Yes i did too.
Proactivity definitely the way forward OP x

OK - well apologies for not having been clear. When I said dead time, I was meaning time with nothing structured to fill it or people around. So sorry about that. We go out in the morning to a group and often a park visit or walk and then home for lunch and nap, wakes from nap at around 2 and then we have a long afternoon.

I mean, there are things we can do, but that’s not exactly what I’m talking about I suppose. It’s surprising how long three hours can be with a two year old!

It needn't be a dead time. I used to do all my errands in the afternoon, going to the shops, post office, visiting family, going to the library etc.
Dc always seemed happy with the balance of an activity in the morning, nap, doing jobs in the afternoon.....can you try something like that?

I suppose the problem is we don’t really do anything like that. I have been to the library with him but he didn’t like it much, and shopping is online, no family nearby etc.

I mean, there are things we can do, but that’s not exactly what I’m talking about I suppose. It’s surprising how long three hours can be with a two year old!

I appreciate some days with a 2 year old can seem long but surely if it's only a few hours in the afternoon once you've done the group, been to the park and napped that shouldn't be too hard to fill and it most certainly shouldn't feel lonely when you've spent all morning being around other people.

He's 2 so at a great age to play independently for a while then something like a walk post nap to look for minibeasts or the gruffalo would take up most of that dead time before dinner bath and bedtime.

If you're genuinely finding the 3 hours difficult then maybe it would be better to go back to work and have him in nursery as it doesn't sound like you really enjoy the days off with him.

I think you're making life difficult for yourself OP. You work 3 days a week. That's a nice work/life balance.

Start talking to people at the toddler groups. We go to toddler groups most mornings and I've made many friends. Some afternoons we arrange play dates at each other's houses. The mums can sit and chat over a coffee and the kids entertain each other. You have to put the effort in and talk to other mums and swap numbers. Some will lead to friendships, others won't. But you have to try.

Now the spring is firmly on its way and the evenings are lighter we usually take a walk to the park in the afternoon. We don't have a garden, but if you do get out there in the afternoon. Give the wee one a bucket and spade to dig in the dirt, get a tuff tray and fill it with sand or dried pasta and some toy diggers, or buy a cheap bubble machine- enjoy the dry days and the time with your wee tot.

You definitely need to talk to other mums and swap numbers though. We do group coffee afternoons and take turns at each other's houses. I'm sure you could set up the same. I bet there are other mums thinking the same as you.

I used to break the time into chunks. 15 minutes of activity together then however much time I could get away with with them playing independently, while I did a chore that I could do in the same room (chopping veg, ironing), so at least I was spending the boring time doing something that had to be done anyway.
You could also change the routine so that some of their daily care stuff was done then instead of the morning/later. No law to say Bath time can't be at 3pm if it fills half an hour.
I also found reading to them worked well. Luckily they would sit for an hour or more listening to stories, and I could just read while letting my mind drift.