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AIBU?

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Original poster

Male Friend is Like Shallow Hal

122 replies

history85 · 02/03/2023 22:54

I've had a male friend through a shared interest for a few months. We tend to meet up at least once a week. We speak throughout most days and I've been to his flat. Pretty close.

HOWEVER, I'm fed up of him at the moment because of how openly shallow he is. He's about three years younger than me, and tend to ask me for career and dating advice.

Recent things:

  • Strung a woman he met through a dating app along for at least 2+ months. I think they only went on about 7 days, though after they had sex once he ghosted her. He only eventually broke up with her when I told him he was wasting her time and he should let her meet someone who does care. He just avoided her for weeks while trying to meet other women.
  • Pretended to have a niche ethical belief to join a group a lot of women are in.
  • Wanted to change jobs for a pay increase to attract women. When I commented that you don't want to be with someone who just likes you for money, he said he wouldn't mind if they were beautiful.
  • His currently 'soulmate' is a woman he's met twice (for a total of 4 hours) two months apart. He said because she's beautiful they have so much in common.

He can be interesting to talk to, though it's honestly making me feel depressed. He almost never matches women on dating apps (he's 5'8 which is maybe a factor) whereas I match most men. I couldn't date someone so shallow, but I guess it makes me feel ugly.

OP posts:
Original poster
history85 · 02/03/2023 22:56

Should say he met her about 7 times

OP posts:
Swingwhenyourewinning · 02/03/2023 22:56

Men match with fewer women tho I don’t know why you added that

EmmaEmerald · 02/03/2023 22:57

I really need a good friend I see every week

I am not sure I'd want to be friends with this chap though. Ultimately he won't treat his friends well, I expect.

Eevvee · 02/03/2023 22:59

I couldn't be friends with such a twat TBH. The sum total of my dating advice would be 'Stop being such a twat'.

AnyMucca · 02/03/2023 23:00

Sounds nomal. Unfortunately.

Original poster
history85 · 02/03/2023 23:03

AnyMucca · 02/03/2023 23:00

Sounds nomal. Unfortunately.

Maybe I've been lucky up until now, but most of my friends and people I dated in the past were deeper and not so superficial.

The group I've spent time with socially over the past few months are more focused on looks, status and money, so I'm trying to avoid it.

OP posts:
Macaroni46 · 02/03/2023 23:06

I don't know what you see in him as a friend. He sounds horrible!

Original poster
history85 · 02/03/2023 23:10

Macaroni46 · 02/03/2023 23:06

I don't know what you see in him as a friend. He sounds horrible!

We have some hobbies in common. To be fair, he has listened to me after a rough break up a few months ago.

I guess in a general sense I just find the shallowness shocking. Maybe I've been very naive until now. Even a woman (who I've avoided for weeks) we socialise with is like something out of Mean Girls despite being in her 30s. She commented that she hadn't invited a friend to an event because "He's too ugly and you can't be seen with the wrong people." Also moans about people with low paid jobs.

I just find it all really ugly.

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 02/03/2023 23:10

He sounds so full of himself. Is he trying to impress others by talking about women like that and just treating them awfully?
Is there any chance he is interested in you and weirdly thinks this might impress you?
Either you pull him up on it and tell him to be a better person or you just fade out the friendship, maybe give him a taste of his own medicine and start ghosting him.

Original poster
history85 · 02/03/2023 23:14

Hiddenvoice · 02/03/2023 23:10

He sounds so full of himself. Is he trying to impress others by talking about women like that and just treating them awfully?
Is there any chance he is interested in you and weirdly thinks this might impress you?
Either you pull him up on it and tell him to be a better person or you just fade out the friendship, maybe give him a taste of his own medicine and start ghosting him.

He had two serious relationships years ago, so he did have the capacity for it at some stage.

I don't know. Probably not. He knows I'm not over the ex (still in contact) though one time I was sitting next to him on his couch and he got up and sat on the other side of the room. He's not touchy feely with me at all.

I haven't responded to his last message yesterday. We normally talk a lot, so he probably knows something is up.

I don't want to hurt his feelings because he's probably insecure deep down. I just get sick of it.

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 02/03/2023 23:18

I understand you don’t want to hurt his feelings and that shows what a kind person you are. Speak to him, explain that his behaviour and how he speaks of women is affecting your friendship with him. He is an adult, he may be insecure but that’s not an excuse for treating others badly. He is responsible for his actions. You’re not asking him to change but to at least be mindful of how he speaks about others around you. It would be great if he would change as he would most likely be far more appealing to others then.

Original poster
history85 · 02/03/2023 23:35

My exes were always a year older than me or a year younger. In contrast, two of the men I get on best with at this group tend to only date women 10 - 15+ years younger than them.

It's changed my view of men really.

OP posts:
Original poster
history85 · 02/03/2023 23:51

Forgot to say, the ghosting someone after having sex once is a pattern.

OP posts:
TheySeeMeRowling · 03/03/2023 00:00

What’s the niche ethical belief?

Valentinesquestion · 03/03/2023 05:27

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Valentinesquestion · 03/03/2023 05:29

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Valentinesquestion · 03/03/2023 05:31

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Threee · 03/03/2023 05:46

Personally I’d sit and have a heart to heart with him and explain that his shallow Hal behaviour is starting to get you down. That there are lots of things you like about him too but you’re struggling with a clash of values. Hopefully it’s just superficial hot air and you opening up might open the doorway to more meaningful discussions.

Merlott · 03/03/2023 06:01

Not much of a "friend" !!

I'd rather be at home alone than listen to that drivel

CupEmpty · 03/03/2023 06:06

@history85 do you want him to fancy you? I’m picking up from your posts that you’d like him to see you as desirable. Not necessarily because you want a relationship, maybe are you feeling rejected by proxy ?

Macaroni46 · 03/03/2023 06:15

history85 · 02/03/2023 23:51

Forgot to say, the ghosting someone after having sex once is a pattern.

This would be a deal breaker for me, in terms of the friendship.
I know you're not having a relationship with him but the fact that he thinks this is an ok thing to do, speaks volumes about how he views women in general.

ArseMenagerie · 03/03/2023 06:17

That’s what men are like. He’s being honest.

IncompleteSenten · 03/03/2023 06:18

Do you have feelings for the unkind shallow bastard? Is that why you want to be his friend even though he treats women with contempt?

FinanceLPlates · 03/03/2023 06:27

Why are you in this new friendship group? Intrigued what the common interest is that attracts such people