Male Friend is Like Shallow Hal

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I've had a male friend through a shared interest for a few months. We tend to meet up at least once a week. We speak throughout most days and I've been to his flat. Pretty close.

HOWEVER, I'm fed up of him at the moment because of how openly shallow he is. He's about three years younger than me, and tend to ask me for career and dating advice.

Recent things:

• Strung a woman he met through a dating app along for at least 2+ months. I think they only went on about 7 days, though after they had sex once he ghosted her. He only eventually broke up with her when I told him he was wasting her time and he should let her meet someone who does care. He just avoided her for weeks while trying to meet other women.
• Pretended to have a niche ethical belief to join a group a lot of women are in.
• Wanted to change jobs for a pay increase to attract women. When I commented that you don't want to be with someone who just likes you for money, he said he wouldn't mind if they were beautiful.
• His currently 'soulmate' is a woman he's met twice (for a total of 4 hours) two months apart. He said because she's beautiful they have so much in common.

He can be interesting to talk to, though it's honestly making me feel depressed. He almost never matches women on dating apps (he's 5'8 which is maybe a factor) whereas I match most men. I couldn't date someone so shallow, but I guess it makes me feel ugly.

Two months ago, I was at a table with Mean Girl and Shallow Hal. Another woman Shallow Hal was friends with got up and left. Mean Girl comments "She's so ugly." and Shallow Hal responds "I know." - She was just overweight.

They both sound awful!

I meant it's making me feel ugly in the sense that some people judge women entirely on their age / looks.

I still get asked out quite often, but the comments have made me feel really old at mid-30s.

I have a good job, earn as much / more than him, but get the sense that some women are only seen as valuable in their early 20s.

I just need to stop talking to him.

Mean Girl has a barely disguised drink and drug problem, which is probably a big factor in how she behaves.

get the sense that some women are only seen as valuable in their early 20s.

To dickheads like him, they are. Why do you want to give any time to such a prick?

He didn't seem that shallow to begin with. He's been more open about it this year.

I work remotely in a city where I don't know many people, so that was a factor.

Volunteering or joining a hobby that's more for introverts would probably be better.

The hypocrisy on this thread is unbelievable

When women say they prefer tall men and won’t date short guys: that’s just a “preference” and shouldn’t be called shallow. But when men say they prefer younger women and won’t dare old/older women then apparently this is shallow and makes them bad people 😂

The basic reality is that youth is one of the most important determinants of attractiveness in women. This is objective and has been demonstrated in multiple studies across multiple cultures/countries and there are obvious biological reasons for why this preference exists. Similarly, height is a major component of male attractiveness and this is also true cross culturally

There is literally no difference between a woman saying she prefers to date 6 foot guys, and a man in his 30s/40s saying he prefers to date 25 year old women. Obviously the average 25 year old woman. Is much more attractive than the average 40 year old women. It just depends on whether the man himself is attractive enough to be able to attract a younger partner (which realistically most 40 year old guys are not, so they have to take whatever they can get)

(which realistically most 40 year old guys are not, so they have to take whatever they can get)

I've been wondering why we've had such an influx lately...

Please, please, please don't be one of those people who makes everything an "introvert vs extrovert" thing. The reason this guy strings women along and talks about them like shit is nothing to do with being introverted or extroverted. This is getting so tiresome.

You don't say what the hobby is so we don't know whether it's something that attracts unpleasant people or whether you've just got unlucky, but if the social circle you're in isn't working for you, time to cultivate another. You'll improve your chances by not seeing everything in an introvert/extrovert lens. The words don't mean what most people think anyway.

This.

I work remotely in a city where I don't know many people, so that was a factor.

It must be frustrating having invested time in the hobby/getting to know people to find (some of) their values don’t correspond with yours. Maybe there are some in the group you will stay friends with, time will tell, but it does sound like it would be good to look for new things to do to meet more like-minded and genuine people.

There is literally no difference between a woman saying she prefers to date 6 foot guys, and a man in his 30s/40s saying he prefers to date 25 year old women.

Not true, imo. Shorter men tend to have more of an attitude problem due to insecurity about their height. I used to think that height doesn't matter but it does. All the tall men I've been with never felt the need to put down my physical appearance.

Now you've said that, my ex is tall and he never criticised how I look.

However, I also have a short male friend who is a genuinely nice person. His girlfriend is his height and pretty. He's with her because she's kind and intelligent.

Bitterness and attitude problems are much more common in older people too so I’m still not seeing much difference tbh

Case in point: www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4594788-do-people-always-get-more-bitter-as-they-get-older

The "short man" thing is just a nasty stereotype. Don't pay it any mind. He's not short anyway; he's maybe a smidge under average for a man but that's all.

The problem isn't even that he has a preference for younger women, despite what certain posters with chips on their shoulders want to think. The problem isn't even that he values beauty in his partners above all else. He's allowed to be shallow and stupid in his dating preferences and with priorities like that, he'll come a cropper one way or another.

The problem is that he treats women like dirt, stringing them along and being dishonest with them. And sees nothing wrong with sharing his nastiness with OP by talking about women as if they are shit.

He is nasty company and makes OP and other women unhappy by not only thinking that women are there only to please him, but openly treating them and speaking to them as if they are. OP just needs to get away from him.

You could try and see this as an opportunity to combat the patriarchy/misogyny one man at a time. Tell him why he’s wrong and shallow.

If you are ready to back off from him, you have nothing to lose.

Id forget about Mean Girl and leave her to her own ugly thoughts.

Tell him why he’s wrong and shallow.

I can't see that having much impact. He probably already knows he's shallow.

It might cause him to stop and think a bit if he's made aware that OP doesn't want to see him any more because his attitude is so horrid. Maybe. But even if it doesn't, she should still just remove herself. Surround yourself with good people whose company you enjoy.

Yes but like I said, in ‘real life’ people tend to connect to a person without consciously looking for a talk dark handsome man or how much hair he has or hasn’t got. That guy at work or the one you see at the train station that gives you a funny feeling, etc. They don’t get dismissed in real life because they’re not 6’1. Dating apps don’t reflect real, every day people meeting spontaneously.

He's not getting dates because he is an arsehole, not becuase he is short.

Mr Monkey is 5 ft 8 and I am a similar height, why would this be an issue?

President Zelenskyy, one of the bravest and most admired men in the world right now is a short arse. It doesn't matter.

Re short men, I think one of the most important things they can have is confidence. If they don’t care then you tend not to care. I knew someone once who blamed all his life’s woes on not being tall yet I had two boyfriends who were not ‘tall’ (5’6 same height as me) and never seemed to care. They both had no trouble getting girls.

Well you can't generalise - every situation is unique but we will all have our own experiences. Hence the differing opinions.

I found that if I dated someone less good looking than me, they would be negging me and trying to make me feel insecure. I never had that with someone who matched me in looks. My ex is in his 50s and objectively, he is better looking than most men half his age. But we are only talking about looks.

Ha ha yes, you could bottle Mr Monkey's self confidence and sell it to Shallow Hal types.

Bitterness and attitude problems are much more common in older people too so I’m still not seeing much difference tbh

What does this have to do with the thread, though?

You can't compare going for someone taller with going for someone decades younger. It's totally different. One is oftej about exploiting a younger, more vulnerable, less experienced person for a power/control thing; the other isn't.

Men will generally have an attitude about what sort of woman they are entitled to date. This is to do with how we're all raised by society. That doesn't affect how attractive you are as a woman OP.

I received a message from a man on a dating site. He was mid 50s, average looking and bald and wrote in his bio 'sorry, I don't date anyone bigger than a size 8'

Ha ha - what a knob