To think DH should apologise for deliberately waking me?

[Somanysocksbutnopairs]

Some background: I am a sahm with an autoimmune condition that makes mornings very difficult for me. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed, often in a lot of pain and unable to move much. Today was a bad one, felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I have a series of alarms on my phone to make sure my two DC are ready on time for school. DH, family and friends walk them round for me (very short walk). DH WFH a couple of times a week.

Which brings me to this morning. DH starts off before my 1st alarm ~7.30 by doing something in the bed he knows disturbs my sleep (not to me tho!). But I'm so tired I'm able to fall back to sleep anyway. He then leaves the curtains open before going to his home office. I ask him to shut them but he ignores me. At this point I'm wondering if he's being a dick today.

First alarm goes at 7.45. I call to kids to make sure they're up, as per usual. DC1(9) comes into my bedroom and is already fully dressed, teeth brushed and all. DC closes the curtains for me and goes off to have breakfast.
Next alarm goes, 8am, for getting dressed. I can hear they're still eating so I go back to sleep.

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process. DC2 is fully dressed, hair done, so I ask DH wtf?! He says I need to be awake and paying attention to them. So I ask him what exactly do DC1 and 2 still need to do? (My 8.10 finish-getting-ready/hair/teeth alarm hasn't even gone yet). Answer: Nothing, but I should be awake.

Couple of mins later he starts loudly playing music. He doesn't usually do this. Again, I suspect it was to prevent me dozing.

The kids aren't always ready like this, some days they need more help/attention than others and I was so grateful to them that they'd chosen today to be little angels and I could rest, but that was ruined by DHs behaviour. So pissed off at him! I had it out with him over lunch and he's refusing to accept he's done anything wrong, other than hurting me with a child and "communicating badly".

Yabu - no parent should be able to sleep in past 7.30am on a school day! Illness is no excuse you lazy lady!! (This was pretty much his argument when refusing to apologise just now)

Yanbu - he's the unreasonable one and should apologise!

Having a spouse with a chronic condition is not easy either and I think you need to acknowledge that.
Surely him being on his phone doesn't disturb you any more than your numerous alarms do?

@MiddleParking

and some people with chronic illness can't be what you & many others think is the perfect parent.

i bet the OP gives her kids more time & attention in the afternoons/evenings than many if thise condemning her on here.

I have two long term conditions that cause pain and tiredness among other symptoms and i have to say that I would be pissed off as well if i was married to you! I am a single mum to 4dc and i just got up and got on with it because I simply had to! Why are you not going to bed earlier and waking earlier so that you can function when you need to function instead of leaving everything to other people? What will you do if your dh decides hes had enough and leaves and you are a single parent 50% of the time?

The morning routine seems to be working for you but it doesn't really take anyone else into consideration.

@7eleven

yeah SO hard that you dump a 6 year old on top of someone already in chronic pain.

stop making excuses for the twat.

@Kois

what is this 'all' he's doing exactly??

It’s this attitude that’s missing from the op. An acknowledgment that it’s hard for both parties, an acceptance that whilst it’s not their fault they’re unable to fully contribute, that does have an impact.

I hope you’re doing ok with your condition.

I know it's crappy, but the truth is that when we have flare ups, we don't contribute as effectively. We have to understand that this puts pressure on others.
We can't change what other people think of this, but we can adjust our own response, which is what most people are helpful suggesting to the OP.
I don't think anyone without an autoimmune disease will ever understand what it's like to have one, because the symptoms present exactly as if we were lazy, disinterested teenagers! I don't think we'll be able to change these people's perspectives - empathy is not something that is as common as people think.
But we can understand that we are not the only victims of our diseases. Hard to remember that when every staircase drains us for the day, though, I know.

I sympathise with both of you it’s stressful on a school morning and your husband is only human. He is also the bread winner and probably thinks at some point what about me? I know I would .
Can you get some morning paid help to cover this period if you are unable to .
I know what chronic pain is have experienced it too but I tried my best to do everything I could to help and never put this kind of pressure on my husband

Really ? I think the issue is that the OP's husband is (rightly or wrongly) getting fed up her not contributing and I am sure he is aware more than most of her disability. So this is merely part of the discussion isn't it ?

Do you understand that no amount of sleep would make the OP wake up feeling ok?

Can you imagine for one second what it's like to never, ever get a restful night's sleep? Can you imagine what it's like waking up with your bones aching and inflammation everywhere so you can barely move?

I hope you never have to find out, but you can't just force yourself to do more. That only makes you even more exhausted and in even more pain.

Why doesn't DH alter his hours so he can helicopter the dc if that what he wants?

A lot more than op while shes snoozing and shouting from her bed!

Jesus.

Her DH isn't helicoptering.

Just just doing a standard amount of parenting.

“Helicopter”?
one of the kids is six. They need supervision and help.

Firstly I do feel sorry for you. You are not having an easy time. Naturally your focus is on you and your struggle with your illness. Do you have space in your feelings to think about your husband and how he is coping with it all. He sounds like a good man under stress.

Can you lie on the sofa instead and then head back to bed once your children are off to school? Being in the living room rather than in bed will make you more 'there' for your DC.

I do understand what it’s like as I have a disability that leaves me in constant pain and mornings are hell. Sometimes I haven't even fallen asleep by the time my alarm goes off! I have to get up and make breakfast and a packed lunch for my 15 year old no matter how I feel.

I think giving your DC half an hour of your time in the mornings would make them happier and your DH might feel less like he's doing it all (I know he's not!) I know it’s hard but just remember bed will be there as soon as they’re out the door. Sweet, sweet bed.

No, if you read the posts properly, it's all perfectly workable when he's not interfering!!!

He just needs to go to his fucking garden office & stay there, out if the bloody way!!

Leaving a six year old to sort themself out while OP shouts from her bed is not workable

The OP herself has told us what he does. She's described their routine. He does a great deal of the domestic and childcare duties and carries full responsibility for earning the family income.
Even had she not told us this, how little she is able to do surely makes it obvious how much of the slack he is picking up. The fairies aren't coming in to do the things OP can't are they?
I'm not sure why you think it necessary to pretend he does nothing to show solidarity with an OP who herself acknowledges he is generally a decent man.

I think you need to take responsibility for yourself more and accommodate your husband more who has to work and do teh majority of care for the children.

The kids fending for themselves isn't workable.

If I, as a fully able bodied mother, wrote a post to say that in the mornings, once my partner leaves for work, I set alarms on my phone to periodically shout to my children to let them know it's time to get up, dress, and brush their teeth, then my 9 year old makes them breakfast and my 6 year old might come in to me for a snuggle in bed, before I get them in to their coats and make sure they have their book bags, would people think they were adequately cared for? If they went to school and told their teachers the morning routine would it be a red flag?

Or would people maybe suggest I should be present, and supervising my children?

It sounds like he was being a dick today, maybe things just got to him and he felt frustrated. Hopefully it was just a one off.

It must be so tough parenting with your condition. Well done for doing a great job. What you describe sounds like it's teaching your children so much about being independent and I love your system of alarms and shouting through to them and them being able to come in and see you for any help you need. I bet you're a million times more available than many other mothers who might be out of bed but on their phones, or otherwise disinterested and emotionally, or perhaps even physically unavailable. Parenting doesn't have to look like it does in a sitcom or TV drama, life isn't perfect and you're doing a fantastic job with the shitty hand that life has dealt you.

And consider sleeping separately from your husband if him having a few minutes in the morning to look at his phone is a terrible crime

Helicoptering because he doesn't think a 6 and 9 year old should be left entirely to their own devices to get ready every day before school.

A cunt becasue he isn't all sunshine and light all the time and dares to get frustrated with the situation.

Questioning what he does when he clearly does basically everything as OP says she does basically nothing except afternoons and some laundry because she can't. Which is fair enough if she can't, but obviously he is pulling his weight and more.

Just because OP has a condition doesn't mean she has a monopoly on finding life hard, and it doesn't mean that in a house hold that contains 3 other people absolutely everything should be on her terms only.