To think DH should apologise for deliberately waking me?

[Somanysocksbutnopairs]

Some background: I am a sahm with an autoimmune condition that makes mornings very difficult for me. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed, often in a lot of pain and unable to move much. Today was a bad one, felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I have a series of alarms on my phone to make sure my two DC are ready on time for school. DH, family and friends walk them round for me (very short walk). DH WFH a couple of times a week.

Which brings me to this morning. DH starts off before my 1st alarm ~7.30 by doing something in the bed he knows disturbs my sleep (not to me tho!). But I'm so tired I'm able to fall back to sleep anyway. He then leaves the curtains open before going to his home office. I ask him to shut them but he ignores me. At this point I'm wondering if he's being a dick today.

First alarm goes at 7.45. I call to kids to make sure they're up, as per usual. DC1(9) comes into my bedroom and is already fully dressed, teeth brushed and all. DC closes the curtains for me and goes off to have breakfast.
Next alarm goes, 8am, for getting dressed. I can hear they're still eating so I go back to sleep.

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process. DC2 is fully dressed, hair done, so I ask DH wtf?! He says I need to be awake and paying attention to them. So I ask him what exactly do DC1 and 2 still need to do? (My 8.10 finish-getting-ready/hair/teeth alarm hasn't even gone yet). Answer: Nothing, but I should be awake.

Couple of mins later he starts loudly playing music. He doesn't usually do this. Again, I suspect it was to prevent me dozing.

The kids aren't always ready like this, some days they need more help/attention than others and I was so grateful to them that they'd chosen today to be little angels and I could rest, but that was ruined by DHs behaviour. So pissed off at him! I had it out with him over lunch and he's refusing to accept he's done anything wrong, other than hurting me with a child and "communicating badly".

Yabu - no parent should be able to sleep in past 7.30am on a school day! Illness is no excuse you lazy lady!! (This was pretty much his argument when refusing to apologise just now)

Yanbu - he's the unreasonable one and should apologise!

Once the kids are off to school, are you on your own all day? If so (it's a horrible phrase) can you suck it up and get past that 90 minutes by helping out knowing that you then have hours to lie and sleep?
I have an autoimmune condition too and so know the mornings when I can barely face rolling over in bed let alone lurching down the stairs, making packed lunches, brushing my own hair, dressing without wanting to cry, before the pain meds then kick in and I do an eight hour day.
God, I'd love to be a SAHM. Not sure I'd ever move, though - bad days are teeth-grindingly bad.

He was WFH, hence me asking could he change his hours so he's not classed as working at this time

@Hollyhocksandlarkspur

what weight is he carrying exactly?

As a chronic illness sufferer i can safely say your husband is a cunt. Chronic illness is not something many people understand, and yes a 6 year old is perfectly capable of dressing themselves under supervision from a slightly older child.

Sounds to me like he’s resentful.
Very selfish of him & very mean- even more mean him knowing you have a chronic illness.

I think he feels he shouldn’t be getting up before you every day. But he needs to suck it up.
Apologising to you afterwards when he knows you’re upset is not the same as not being like it again.

It's categorically NOT ableism to say that it's bloody hard work having a spouse / parent who is disabled and at time incapacitated. It's also not ableism to say that they are allowed to find it hard and sometimes get pissed off with it all.

Exactly this !!! Try living with a chronic illness 24/7! The kids seem more adult than their dad… what a twat.

This is ridiculous. The OP is unwell. It's not a case of getting up and on with it if she physically can't.
That said OP this is obviously a very difficult situation for you and your DP, it's hard being a partner to someone who is struggling so much physically, I have similar challenges (although no kids due to health issues stopping me from having them) and I know my partner is really fed up of it all, he's mostly calm and patient and kind, but we all have bad days where it feels difficult so it's good to cut him some slack too for not always behaving perfectly.

You’re of course not being unreasonable being ill or being unable to leave your bed but you are unreasonable to want absolutely everything on your terms.

Let him use his phone. Wear an eye mask.
Set your alarm for much earlier to take your pain medication.
If you can’t get up, don’t shout and have alarms going, it will irritate even the most patient. Let them just get on with their morning.

You need to make this more manageable for everyone. Not just you.

This is only semi-working because you are married. If you end up alone because you won’t consider your husband’s feelings at all, it will get a hell of a lot harder and more miserable.

OP, I assume you've had the occasional Depo-Medrol injection?
Rheumatologists don't like using them too much because of the side-effects (bone thinning, weight gain, the usual that women over the age of 13 have to cope with...) but my god they can be effective for a few months' relief.

@FloydPepper

what 'all' is he doing???

I have an autoimmune condition and have been called lazy many, many times.

It seems to be the default response. People don't realise I can sleep for twelve hours and still wake up absolutely exhausted. The exhaustion from inflammation literally feels like waking up every morning with the flu, as well as being in terrific pain too

I'm perfectly sure people wouldn't expect their DH to wake them up unnecessarily if they had the flu, but apparently it's fine when you have a disease. Then you're lazy and can't be bothered to look after your children.

It's horrible enough having a disease, you don't need people treating you like a malingerer on top of that.

The OP doesn't seem to be engaging with any of the suggestions of things that could help the situation - even if to say 'nice idea, unfortunately I've tried it and it didn't help'

A lot of us find the idea of 2 young children getting on with it themselves in the morning (be it because their dad has left the house for work, or gone to his office in the garden) uncomfortable.

From what the op has said her husband does step up, he's lost his cool today and that's a sign to find a solution that works for everyone.

The thing with the alarms at 15 minute intervals it's like, are you sleeping and not to be disturbed or not? You can't be having any kind of quality sleep when it's snatched between having to wake up and shout instructions at the kids, so what's even the point? You might as well just be awake and either up, or at least sitting up in bed and making an effort to engage with what's going on.

The alarms just seems like you can be awake if you need to, but as long as you don't have to be, you're just going to keep hitting snooze.

Your DH is telling you loud and clear that this bonkers morning routine is starting to test his patience. Either do it, or don't - but shouting orders from bed in between cat naps is shit for everyone.

Rather than invite strangers to call him a cunt on the internet, maybe you could work to try and find a way to help your partner, carer, sole breadwinner and father of your children to feel less under pressure?

People have made good suggestions already. For example around making the responsibility for the morning routine clearer. If you need uninterrupted sleep until 11am then create the conditions for it to happen and then at least everyone understands what the deal is. You could go to bed earlier and wake up earlier to take your meds in time for the kids to wake up, or you could look into a nanny or childminder for the mornings. Whatever it is, it sounds like something needs to change otherwise you're going to find you've got no choice but to do it on your own.

@randomusername2020 , I don't think you need to get offended on the OP's behalf. We autoimmune folk know that sometimes we are fairly useless in our contributions to household happenings. We know that this puts pressure on our partners, who often didn't sign up for it, as we didn't.
We know that we sometimes lay in bed doing nothing, and we do feel bad for our kids - we are honest and realistic and don't need an army of indignation battling on our behalf. Sometimes life's shit and we all become a bit ineffective - honesty and understanding are the ways forward, not ignoring the fact and pretending that we're doing swimmingly!

Men with illnesses are fair game in here to be derided, accused of faking it, and mocked. I’ve never seen those deleted.

personally I would go to bed earlier and get up earlier so I could get myself together before the kids get up, if first thing is difficult.

I agree with this.
You can’t help being chronically ill but you can make some choices about how you manage it. Multiple alarms going off and shouting from your bed every morning while small children get themselves ready might be working for you but it just sounds miserable for everyone else. I think for your DH and DC’s sake perhaps you should consider making some changes in that first hour to be there for them, and then recovering whilst they’re at school.

I also have an autoimmune condition so I get it btw but sometimes tweaks to your day can make a huge difference