To think DH should apologise for deliberately waking me?

[Somanysocksbutnopairs]

Some background: I am a sahm with an autoimmune condition that makes mornings very difficult for me. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed, often in a lot of pain and unable to move much. Today was a bad one, felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I have a series of alarms on my phone to make sure my two DC are ready on time for school. DH, family and friends walk them round for me (very short walk). DH WFH a couple of times a week.

Which brings me to this morning. DH starts off before my 1st alarm ~7.30 by doing something in the bed he knows disturbs my sleep (not to me tho!). But I'm so tired I'm able to fall back to sleep anyway. He then leaves the curtains open before going to his home office. I ask him to shut them but he ignores me. At this point I'm wondering if he's being a dick today.

First alarm goes at 7.45. I call to kids to make sure they're up, as per usual. DC1(9) comes into my bedroom and is already fully dressed, teeth brushed and all. DC closes the curtains for me and goes off to have breakfast.
Next alarm goes, 8am, for getting dressed. I can hear they're still eating so I go back to sleep.

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process. DC2 is fully dressed, hair done, so I ask DH wtf?! He says I need to be awake and paying attention to them. So I ask him what exactly do DC1 and 2 still need to do? (My 8.10 finish-getting-ready/hair/teeth alarm hasn't even gone yet). Answer: Nothing, but I should be awake.

Couple of mins later he starts loudly playing music. He doesn't usually do this. Again, I suspect it was to prevent me dozing.

The kids aren't always ready like this, some days they need more help/attention than others and I was so grateful to them that they'd chosen today to be little angels and I could rest, but that was ruined by DHs behaviour. So pissed off at him! I had it out with him over lunch and he's refusing to accept he's done anything wrong, other than hurting me with a child and "communicating badly".

Yabu - no parent should be able to sleep in past 7.30am on a school day! Illness is no excuse you lazy lady!! (This was pretty much his argument when refusing to apologise just now)

Yanbu - he's the unreasonable one and should apologise!

And there are 2 parents, one who has limited capacity in the mornings who has worked out a routine that works and one being an abusive cunt, instead of making reasonable adjustments to his working hours to ensure the kids have a parent up to your/his standard every morning?

The wrong person is being vilified in this thread. The OP has a chronic auto immune condition. Her DP should be making accommodations not kicking off

I think almost (but not quite) everyone here is falling into the same trap that stops communication in the first place.

What is East or achievable for one partner may be hard or unachievable for the other, and that goes both ways so dick-measuring about effort put in is pointless. Then also, work and disability both leave you with limits on what you can try - even succeed at - before the effort creates more problems than it solves for you and your family.

The only answer to the situation you describe, OP, is that you have to communicate and probably compromise.

So you are only able to "help" with dinner too.

I am sorry that you are not well but I would advise you to ignore the posters telling you to leave him. He may very well be waiting for you to tell him to go-his life would be easier if he did.

Do you have a plan in place if he does? You really really need to think about that. It seems as if he is doing more than his fair share and you are dependent on him.

Give a little-does it really matter if he looks at his phone while in bed in the morning-or you may find yourself giving a lot if he does go.

So think on. You need him a lot more than he needs you and telling him to piss off would not be a bright move on your part.

There’s a lot of hate for the husband here. I must admit I’d find it incredibly difficult dealing with someone with a chronic illness day in day out, (I’m probably a horrible person🙁). I’m afraid I’d probably end up losing my cool sometimes, but admittedly I’d make a terrible nurse and I’m not a natural care giver. Maybe he can be allowed the odd off day?

What is East is my phone being annoying - should say what is easy

Just because something is in isoliation easier for one partner doesn't mean that carrying pretty much the entire load is easy.

We are in agreement, and my point was that it goes both ways.

Yes I do think your husband owes you an apology. If he has an issue he should discuss it with you one evening or weekend. Not just randomly (and it was random, given the kids were already sorted) wake you up and dump a kid on you when you're feeling much worse than normal - that feels particularly cruel.

I dont think the kids getting themselves sorted in the morning, while they have one parent who is around, and another who is in the house and available to speak to if there's an issue, is a particular problem. Clearly if they were sorting themselves out at evenings, holidays and weekends then this would be an issue. Some posters seem to be implying this is some form of neglect. It isnt (assuming the OP is around the rest of the time to properly care for the children). Its cornflakes. Also the OP is in too much pain to move first thing and is changing meds to try and sort it...I dont know why posters cant accept that - I'm pretty sure if the answer was 'go to bed earlier' she would do that

That's not to say it's easy on your husband, it can be hard feeling like you do consistently more because of someone elses illness, even if they are trying their best and it's not their fault.

Calling the husband an abusive cunt is way out of line.

If he changes his working hours to be around every morning then presumably he will at some point be finishing later in the evening, which will impact on dinner and bedtime. Or he will have to work a weekend which will impact on family time and leave the children unsupervised until lunch time. What happens in the school holidays OP

I think you would benefit from sitting down as a family and talking through what each of you can do and what each of you finds most difficult to manage. That includes the children, who may be more upset about some things than you realise but equally more than happy to do other things you hadn't thought of. Children are remarkably resilient and capable when their most important needs are being met.

I had an attack of post viral arthritis once which lasted 6 months. I was a single parent of toddlers at the time. It was hellish. Getting out of bed took nearly 20 minutes and I had to go down the stairs sideways because my ankles wouldn't work. I have huge sympathy for anyone living in constant pain. I also grew up with a parent with a chronic health condition although only as an adult did I realise just how difficult this made life. As a child it was just my normal and I was a very happy child because my needs were still met- just sometimes unconventionally. I always felt my parents were there for me.

Illness is not the same as tiredness but there are some comparisons here with what happens when a couple have a badly sleeping baby and competitive tiredness sets in. There are no winners in a race to prove who has it hardest. Looking at what each of you can contribute and then look at how the gaps can be filled by mutual agreement (or outside help) is the best starting point.

Is the DH unreasonable? Impossible to say based on this snapshot whether this a someone themselves struggling or a passive aggressive dick. The curtains being purposely left open seems pointed. The phone thing is inconsiderate. I can be fast asleep and screen light can wake me up. It's a well-documented phenomenon. Beds are for sleeping in. If shared and one person is asleep and the other awake and wants to do an activity which they know wakes the sleeper, that is selfish.

Both read like a man saying "I think you should be getting up rather than leaving me to deal with the kids." If you say he doesn't need to do that then either he disagrees with your approach or the kids are asking for a parent's presence. Either way, you need to talk it through to get to the bottom of it.

If he disagrees with your morning set up it may help to view it as a difference in parenting style. Compromise is the name of the game. If you would compromise but can't because of disability, or he would but can't because of work, that's when to start looking for creative solutions - but then you'll be doing it as a team rather than warring factions.

Good luck and hope you feel better soon.

I don't think this scenario is easy on anyone - however the main thing that stands out to me is that the OP is designed to make people think the DH is an awful, inconsiderate man with no patience when I think the reality is that he's under an awful lot of pressure and stress from all sides.

He's working a full-time job to support a family of four, doing some of the school runs each morning, coming home, cooking dinner and doing bath-time - but he can't even sit on his phone for a few minutes in the morning before he faces his day.

That's not to say I don't see how hard it is for OP as well, but I think a lot of people forget how hard it is to be the partner of someone with life-long health conditions.

This.

ThatsRoughBuddy · Today 16:41

Can you lie on the sofa instead and then head back to bed once your children are off to school? Being in the living room rather than in bed will make you more 'there' for your DC.

I do understand what it’s like as I have a disability that leaves me in constant pain and mornings are hell. Sometimes I haven't even fallen asleep by the time my alarm goes off! I have to get up and make breakfast and a packed lunch for my 15 year old no matter how I feel.

I think giving your DC half an hour of your time in the mornings would make them happier and your DH might feel less like he's doing it all (I know he's not!) I know it’s hard but just remember bed will be there as soon as they’re out the door. Sweet, sweet bed.

Wondering why your 15 yo can't make their own breakfast and packed lunch?

I appreciate you don't wake up rested, but couldn't you wake up a couple of hours earlier unrested? You must get up at some point so just make that time earlier.

It all sounds incredibly difficult for you both but I do have sympathy for your DH.

Having known people with RA, I can appreciate how hard it must be for you, and you have to live with it OP. However, the people I know with chronic illness or pain are also probably some of the most selfish people I know.

I get it - it must be absolutely shit to wake up in pain and never feel particularly well or healthy, but family life always tends to revolve around the sick one. I can appreciate how their feelings and needs always coming secondary to sickest person must grate over time.

I agree with @jays that your DH is doing an awful lot and probably making an active decision to stay as practically, his life would probably be easier if you separated.

As far as I can tell, you oversee the DC getting ready from bed, do some washing and laundry, school run, sometimes make dinner and do alternate bath nights. That’s not a great deal for a SAHM so I would guess your DH is at breaking point if he’s picking up the remainder.

Why can’t you let him use his phone in the morning or at the weekend? You’ve said the sleep you get doesn’t help you much anyway and I suspect from his POV it’s yet another thing your illness dictates.

I think what's rubbing people up the wrong way, OP, isn't your unfortunate medical condition but the fact that you seem not to appreciate your husband's significant contribution.

Even the most saintly of people can reach breaking point , it does sound like your DH has to do a lot and needed to let off steam this morning rightly or wrongly. Your routine isn't sustainable and as a couple you need to sit down and discuss how it can be improved moving forward. I'm not going to slate your husband as I know I couldn't put up with this without cracking every now and then. Have you looked into direct payments so you can pay for help ?

I thought the same thing.

Scrolling through my phone for half an hour before I get up is an integral part of coming to, waking up and getting into the right headspace for the day.

It’s a small thing in the grand scheme of things, but I would be hugely, massively resentful if I wasn’t allowed to do it.

Everyone is trying their best (and clearly sometimes failing) to accomodate you and your needs, OP. Yet you’re the one demanding an apology.

@Somanysocksbutnopairs you say going to bed earlier to get more sleep doesn’t help as your immune system is attacking your body while you sleep.

But if you went to bed earlier, you could set your alarms earlier and get up earlier. There’s nothing magic about 7.30 or 8am.

I am the main wage earner in my house with a disabled dp. It’s incredibly difficult. No matter how much I love him. I can imagine I would snap if I was up and working and the kids were alone looking after eachother while dp slept when he could adjust his bedtimes. It’s hard enough working to support us all, look after him and pick up the majority of the house work. But heating the young kids sorting themselves out while I was working would have me on edge.

I know this is hard for you. But it’s hard for the him too. And while you say ‘he doesn’t have to be a dick about it’, neither do you. You could set time aside to talk about the situation and how to support eachother better. Rather than demanding an apology. That’s not going to fix it.

It feels like you see the compromise as him not going on his phone in the morning, which sounds reasonable.

But if we asked your DH, he would view his compromise as being the sole earner, being the only one to do the morning school run, being the go-to parent when he wfh, and then on top of that not being allowed to go on his phone as he wakes up.

It probably feels like death by a thousand cuts. Yes he should communicate better rather than being passive agressive in the morning when he's grumpy but I wonder how receptive you are to him trying to raise issues?

All he is doing us making a very difficult situation worse.

when he's not there, it all runs smoothly.

The kids were dressed & had breakfast. OP had it all under control, he didn't DO anything other than dump a 6 year old on top of his wife who was already in pain, disturb her rest & act like a complete & utter twat.

what's this 'more' you think he did exactly.

Op says it’s under control.

My exh always said he had morning under control. Dd (now an adult) was so happy when I stopped shifts to be home in the mornings. From the kids point of view, he did not.

If it its under control, the eldest child has it under control. Op can’t have anything under control while she is asleep.

I agree he hasn’t made anything easier today. But also, people often snap under pressure. Not sure he should be expected to be perfect. It’s not realistic.

@GrinAndVomit

Well, clearly it is because it works pretty much every other morning!

the 6 year old is getting themselves dressed.

the older child is getting dressed, putting cereal in bowls & adding milk.

it's not exactly working down a mine is it??

if you're horrified about this, you need to look at a) how Molly coddled your children are b) what young carers do