To think DH should apologise for deliberately waking me?

[Somanysocksbutnopairs]

Some background: I am a sahm with an autoimmune condition that makes mornings very difficult for me. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed, often in a lot of pain and unable to move much. Today was a bad one, felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I have a series of alarms on my phone to make sure my two DC are ready on time for school. DH, family and friends walk them round for me (very short walk). DH WFH a couple of times a week.

Which brings me to this morning. DH starts off before my 1st alarm ~7.30 by doing something in the bed he knows disturbs my sleep (not to me tho!). But I'm so tired I'm able to fall back to sleep anyway. He then leaves the curtains open before going to his home office. I ask him to shut them but he ignores me. At this point I'm wondering if he's being a dick today.

First alarm goes at 7.45. I call to kids to make sure they're up, as per usual. DC1(9) comes into my bedroom and is already fully dressed, teeth brushed and all. DC closes the curtains for me and goes off to have breakfast.
Next alarm goes, 8am, for getting dressed. I can hear they're still eating so I go back to sleep.

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process. DC2 is fully dressed, hair done, so I ask DH wtf?! He says I need to be awake and paying attention to them. So I ask him what exactly do DC1 and 2 still need to do? (My 8.10 finish-getting-ready/hair/teeth alarm hasn't even gone yet). Answer: Nothing, but I should be awake.

Couple of mins later he starts loudly playing music. He doesn't usually do this. Again, I suspect it was to prevent me dozing.

The kids aren't always ready like this, some days they need more help/attention than others and I was so grateful to them that they'd chosen today to be little angels and I could rest, but that was ruined by DHs behaviour. So pissed off at him! I had it out with him over lunch and he's refusing to accept he's done anything wrong, other than hurting me with a child and "communicating badly".

Yabu - no parent should be able to sleep in past 7.30am on a school day! Illness is no excuse you lazy lady!! (This was pretty much his argument when refusing to apologise just now)

Yanbu - he's the unreasonable one and should apologise!

He was obviously being an arse for dumping the kids on you and hurting you, and I don't think the kids only having one parent avalilable in the morning is a problem, that is true for loads of households.

BUT, it sounds as though he's cracking under the pressure a bit. If he is generally supportive and this mornings behaviour isn't the norm, I would be tempted to suggest letting your annoyance go and trying to find out how he's feeling/what is up with him?

Also, if the curtains/light from his phone is bothering you, can I suggest a sleep mask? I have one from amazon that is a blackout one that has padding round my eyes so it doesn't touch my eyelids and I love that thing. Can't sleep without it.

At the end of the day it is a valid point, she said herself if she is not up for a medical appointment she stays in bed. So she must be able to get up, get out and attend.

I actually lived with someone who was not able to get up in the mornings and get us out to school. I did it for my sister who had Downs and my 3 brothers. It bloody sucks. Setting numerous alarms to bark orders from a bed is out of bloody order. They are only 9 and 6. They are still very small.

@NowAAT It's not about not fostering independence. It's about the children not feeling like they have to do things entirely alone. OP gets cross when her DH brings in her kid, I wonder how that feels for the child? Do they feel their mum is there, or are they scared to wake her between her alarms? Do they feel supported in their independence or do they feel alone?

My kids are exactly the same age (well, DS is 5, 6 in two months). They are pretty self sufficient in the mornings. They are encouraged to dress themselves and if they want to they make their own breakfast. Sometimes I lie in bed with a coffee for a bit while they watch tv. But they know I am available to them and often come chat to me, ask for help with something, etc. I am around and available.

In any case, her DH doesn't feel they are being sufficiently supervised. That says more than what we can all guess our way to, given that he is there.

I have a really rare condition. Before I was diagnosed I literally was on all fours trying to hoover.

I have a husband and he worked so hard to help me and I don’t know how he did it. However I do think something needs to change. A 6 yr old shouldn’t be left to their own devices if they don’t have too.

I would be so frustrated if my husband wouldn’t wake up and get the children ready even if they were unwell because it’s forever so if you can’t cope now you need something else or someone else to help?

Maybe social services could help with regards to adult help?

OP did you post about something similar sometime ago? But the question was AIBU that my children get themselves dressed and ready for school then someone takes them to school rather than about your DH. I can’t remember what you said about your symptoms but I think you mentioned fibromyalgia. I don’t think he was being kind but everyone has their limits and perhaps he is fast approaching his. The resentment can be insidious sometimes. Hope you sort it out

@Hadjab

no, he's not stepping up. If your bar is so low you think his behaviour is acceptable when his wife has a debilitating illness, then I pity you.

im sure her friends & family that walk the kids around the corner to school can manage the couple of days he does it.

Me too, 30 years in and bloody exhausted.

@WinterMusings are you alright? Her husband supervises baths, cooks dinner, presumably does a lot of other stuff - eg what if the kids are sick or need something and OP can't get up.

Honestly calling him a cunt is so ridiculous. Maybe he's been a bit of an arsehole this morning but maybe he's exhausted and stressed and fed up. Just because someone has a disability it doesn't mean they have a monopoly on finding life tough.

I'm disabled, I know how OP feels but I also have empathy for her husband and kids who do have a harder time because of her disability. It's not a blame game, it's fact.

I'm sure your situation is really difficult but I feel bad for your kids.

And other posters have no idea of the toll it takes to be the wage earner, the carer and the one doing the bulk of childcare.

Her DH was there, otherwise how did he put the child on her. Does it always take 2 parents to get children ready?

I'm the equivalent of the DH here. I do all the mornings with the kids. I also get frustrated sometimes (because I'm only human) when the other half is having yet again another "lie-in" and I don't get any. It's hard for everyone - be kind to each other.

I too hsve an autoimmune condition and work full time. I get up at 6.50, leave for work at 8.10. Ds is 17 so obviously no longer needs help but I see till like to be up to see him off to college if I can. When he was much younger I was always up as my dh works nights I was happy to do so though as there is no way I would want to lie in bed while my 6yr old sorted themselves.

Her husband isn't always there. Sometimes he works away from the home, and if he does start work before the children leave he's in a garden office, so not around to supervise

Some of us, however, have experience of both

Who is taking the kids to school? If its you then you probably need to be getting yourself up and ready, if its your DH then you will have contributed nothing that morning which being a sahm isnt great.

Indeed we do. I've got long covid but guess what I still have to care for DH, can't just lie in bed and expect everything to be done by someone else.

In what way is he not stepping up? He is the sole wage earner and does the vast majority of the house and child related stuff. Yes it wasn't pleasant to put a child on her if it hurt her, but neither is it pleasant to never be able to have a lie in or relax on your phone in bed for 10 mins. Quite probably had the OP not been moaning about the phone and the curtains he wouldn't have done it. Surely she can lie resting in bed without being asleep

That was heartbreaking to read. Whilst you're children may be capable of getting themselves ready for school, it's heartbreaking you're not present for them.

I don't have a chronic illness but I know I would always choose seeing my children over sleeping. You could nap when they're at school.

Your husband sounds fed up of supporting you staying at home sleeping all day.

A local lady calls for them on the way.

I also have an autoimmune condition that flares up, but I have to take my meds and get on with doing childcare. My DH is gone by the time we wake up and so you are extremely lucky to have a husband that is around in the mornings and who works from home. I feel sorry for your children.

You are being really horrible about your husband just being on his phone next to you. I’d be grateful for everything he does, he obviously has had enough today.

Oh look, the usual judgy crap targeted at someone with a chronic health condition. Ignore the ones who instantly went to wanking op - I guess that's just how their brains work. It is of course bang out of order for someone to fuck about in a way that disturbs someone trying to rest and why are you getting told what you should be doing by posters and your partner when your partner only has to roll is functioning body out of bed in order to parent. Those blessed with health don't understand how relatively easy their life. Your husband using the poor communication line irritates me as my ex used to oull this out to avoid directly apologising or taking actual responsibility, I hope I'm not accurate there for your sake. I hope things pick up soon, my own autoimmune condition is insane at the moment, my sympathy op. I've not got any suggestions (unlike the 'just stop being ill brigade), it sounds like you're in need of a big hug and a hot drink. I hope tomorrow is more gentle on you!

Did you know about your illness before you had kids? I also have a serious health condition and autoimmune disease but if i was that incapacitated I wouldn’t have had any kids and certainly not more than one. I feel sorry for your husband tbh doesn’t sound like much of a life for him.

YABU

You need to start waking up earlier if that what it takes to get moving so you can help your young children get ready for school. You are the stay at home parent.

Please let your children's school know how you're struggling, generally, though, and that your children are likely going to be viewed as 'Young Carers', as there is extra support available for young carers in schools.

This is awful.

You need to be getting up earlier to sort yourself out for you children.

Setting alarms and shouting at them from your bed is disgusting, think how they must feel going to school every day knowing their mum cant or wont get up and chat with them over breakfast etc. I feel really sorry for them actually, no wonder your dh is losing his shit.