To think DH should apologise for deliberately waking me?

[Somanysocksbutnopairs]

Some background: I am a sahm with an autoimmune condition that makes mornings very difficult for me. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed, often in a lot of pain and unable to move much. Today was a bad one, felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I have a series of alarms on my phone to make sure my two DC are ready on time for school. DH, family and friends walk them round for me (very short walk). DH WFH a couple of times a week.

Which brings me to this morning. DH starts off before my 1st alarm ~7.30 by doing something in the bed he knows disturbs my sleep (not to me tho!). But I'm so tired I'm able to fall back to sleep anyway. He then leaves the curtains open before going to his home office. I ask him to shut them but he ignores me. At this point I'm wondering if he's being a dick today.

First alarm goes at 7.45. I call to kids to make sure they're up, as per usual. DC1(9) comes into my bedroom and is already fully dressed, teeth brushed and all. DC closes the curtains for me and goes off to have breakfast.
Next alarm goes, 8am, for getting dressed. I can hear they're still eating so I go back to sleep.

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process. DC2 is fully dressed, hair done, so I ask DH wtf?! He says I need to be awake and paying attention to them. So I ask him what exactly do DC1 and 2 still need to do? (My 8.10 finish-getting-ready/hair/teeth alarm hasn't even gone yet). Answer: Nothing, but I should be awake.

Couple of mins later he starts loudly playing music. He doesn't usually do this. Again, I suspect it was to prevent me dozing.

The kids aren't always ready like this, some days they need more help/attention than others and I was so grateful to them that they'd chosen today to be little angels and I could rest, but that was ruined by DHs behaviour. So pissed off at him! I had it out with him over lunch and he's refusing to accept he's done anything wrong, other than hurting me with a child and "communicating badly".

Yabu - no parent should be able to sleep in past 7.30am on a school day! Illness is no excuse you lazy lady!! (This was pretty much his argument when refusing to apologise just now)

Yanbu - he's the unreasonable one and should apologise!

Yes, maybe the DC fending for themselves is the least of the worries?

What makes you love him @Somanysocksbutnopairs

Hence the word ‘could’. As I said, people with chronic illnesses aren’t automatically likeable or saintly or without reproach, as some posters on here are proving.

Then maybe how you wrote your opening post was all wrong and the cause of so much contention in here. Complaining about him using his phone in bed, inferring he was having a w*nk (don’t pretend you weren’t), giving the impression you’re shouting orders at everyone from your bed (giving perhaps the wrong impression you’re some kind of Queen of Sheba), incessant alarms going off for your benefit. If you’d worded it better you most likely would have got a lot more sympathy. Just saying 🤷‍♀️

@BellePeppa I 100% agree that OP wanted people to believe that her DH was having a wank! Although god knows when he does get an opportunity to do that.

The "not to me" bit was bizarre!

Just say he was playing on his phone, all this rubbish about people would fixate on that. When she said it a couple of posts later anyway.

@BellePeppa you're probably right about the wording, I'm fairly new here and I was exhausted, it was hard to think clearly. But when there was doubt, people kept making the worst assumptions about me.

I've explained over and over why I'd tried to not say what it was that he'd used to try to wake me: because I knew that the point that it was deliberate on his part would be overlooked. But I didn't want people thinking he was wanking (so gross it didn't even cross my mind, I'd only considered people might think he was poking me in the back with his dick or something, why I said "not to me!") so I ended up telling them.

In hindsight, I should have just said in the original post that it was an innocent activity, but that it wakes me and the key thing is that he knows it does. I didn't complain to him, I've said that too, but no it's "yabu for not liking him playing with his phone in bed", over and over, and not addressing what his intentions were.

Of course he's unhappy that he does a lot about the house. I am very aware of it, which is why I try my best to do as much as I can in the day to help out. My problem is that he doesn't handle his emotions well and sometimes uses me as an outlet, and that's what my complaint here was about.

@Griefgood I love him because I've always loved him. He's my other half. His strengths are my weaknesses and his weaknesses my strengths. Like flatpacks - I'll read the instructions and tell him what goes where, he builds it. He finds following instructions difficult, I find building it difficult. But together, it gets built. He's not perfect, I'm not perfect, nobody is perfect.

A man on MN saying he was helping out with housework would get slaughtered.

Damn right

It sounds like a hard situation and perhaps your DH should seek support from a carers organisation that might be able to offer a space to speak about he he feels and give practical advice. They might also be able to offer support or referral to services /group to support you too? I would also suggest you refer your kids to a young carers service, they can offer breaks and grants to young carers as well connecting with kids that are in a similar situation.
i would try and get as much support for the whole household as possible.

It really is sickening to read. I genuinely feel for you with these people sticking the boot in under the guise of helping you. It's upset me too.

They don't get it. I'm certain you're a good mum trying her best. I absolutely get that your DH was being passive aggressive. Fine, sure he's under extra pressure. That doesn't mean you need to lick his boots even if he's acting like a total dick.

You look after yourself 🌺🌺🌺🌺

Seriously, just shut up. You're not covering yourself in glory. You sound like a nasty little bully.

@Monoplane if your upset, step away from the thread. It won't help you.

@Monoplane you can't be sure that OP is a good mother? Why would you even think that?

One side of the ever changing story is what you're hearing.

@Monoplane thank you, really appreciate you taking the time to stick up for me. I've learnt my lesson about posting on here, think I'll stay well away in future. The few who understood really did help though, I had a good cry and released some bottled up emotions, just knowing a few people out there get it and know what it's like helped.
I hope you're ok too xxx

You're the last person I would take advice from.

Jesus Christ.

I've never seen concern for children be met with such disdain.

Don't worry - I understand. Balls to the idiots.

@Monoplane and your the last person I'd think capable of a measured response to the situation.

And it was a few, so take from that things need to change.

Start with separate beds, so that DH has his own space to play on his phone etc.

Think about getting childcare in the morning.

Your DH obviously gets no lie in ever, he will need that at times. Both for rest and he will need his own privacy.

Lots can easily be sorted, other stuff may take longer. But you need to make a start.

Cool beans.

Call me what you want, monotone. My child is parented properly, I contribute to both my family and society properly, and my husband is happy and has everything he needs from me because I value him and respect him. I’m not too concerned what you think.
If you’re so sure you’re in the right OP tell the kids’ school what’s happening and see what they have to say about it..

If you say so. I'm not especially interested. Bullies bore me, if anything.