To think DH should apologise for deliberately waking me?

[Somanysocksbutnopairs]

Some background: I am a sahm with an autoimmune condition that makes mornings very difficult for me. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed, often in a lot of pain and unable to move much. Today was a bad one, felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I have a series of alarms on my phone to make sure my two DC are ready on time for school. DH, family and friends walk them round for me (very short walk). DH WFH a couple of times a week.

Which brings me to this morning. DH starts off before my 1st alarm ~7.30 by doing something in the bed he knows disturbs my sleep (not to me tho!). But I'm so tired I'm able to fall back to sleep anyway. He then leaves the curtains open before going to his home office. I ask him to shut them but he ignores me. At this point I'm wondering if he's being a dick today.

First alarm goes at 7.45. I call to kids to make sure they're up, as per usual. DC1(9) comes into my bedroom and is already fully dressed, teeth brushed and all. DC closes the curtains for me and goes off to have breakfast.
Next alarm goes, 8am, for getting dressed. I can hear they're still eating so I go back to sleep.

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process. DC2 is fully dressed, hair done, so I ask DH wtf?! He says I need to be awake and paying attention to them. So I ask him what exactly do DC1 and 2 still need to do? (My 8.10 finish-getting-ready/hair/teeth alarm hasn't even gone yet). Answer: Nothing, but I should be awake.

Couple of mins later he starts loudly playing music. He doesn't usually do this. Again, I suspect it was to prevent me dozing.

The kids aren't always ready like this, some days they need more help/attention than others and I was so grateful to them that they'd chosen today to be little angels and I could rest, but that was ruined by DHs behaviour. So pissed off at him! I had it out with him over lunch and he's refusing to accept he's done anything wrong, other than hurting me with a child and "communicating badly".

Yabu - no parent should be able to sleep in past 7.30am on a school day! Illness is no excuse you lazy lady!! (This was pretty much his argument when refusing to apologise just now)

Yanbu - he's the unreasonable one and should apologise!

Trash opinions belong in the bin.

The binmen must have broken backs carrying yours out every week then.

All the OP wanted was an echo chamber, which is such a shame because it means nothing will change for her children.

It’s a weird one.
If I was the husband, I’d leave. I’d want to be with someone who valued my happiness over them “being right”. The same for my children.

I think your husband was being a bum but surprised you get to sleep in so long lol. I have autoimmune conditions that make me non stop fatigued too (hypothyrodism, fibro,chronic fatigue syndrome diabetes chronic anemia etc), i am awake 5 every morning,enough time to take my medications injection bloodsugars etc have a shower and the kids will be up.

I feel sorry for everyone else in this situation except the op. Granted what her husband supposedly did the other was not right with regards to ‘chucking’ the child on her, op has no self reflection and just don’t want to change anything to benefit the rest of the family.
If the dh was a single parent to the 2 dc and living separately, everyone will have a better quality of life without having to spend their life tip toeing around someone and the dh would also get a chance to meet someone else if he wants. Life’s too short for all these.

This.

DH and the kids should move on IMO. This is no life for them.

I completely agree - it has been a distressing read, as someone with chronic illness. I wonder where these feelings of anger and vitriol come from towards someone who is ill? Do people just despise those who are weaker and incapable? Do they feel a sense of superiority because they don't struggle daily with pain and extreme fatigue - a survival of the fittest type scenario? It's no wonder the world is such a shit show.

@Foxglove22 i don't think anyone despises people with disabilities! Its more a case of despising the " professional victim" attitude that they seem to adopt! I have a family member who has fairly severe physical disabilities and her attitude is that she wants her independence and she wants to do absolutely everything she can for herself and her children! She doesn't like to accept help unless she really really has to! Many of the commenters on here including the OP seem to make illness and what they can't do their whole identity! All i hear are a constant list of excuses when presented with possible solutions to their situations! They seem to expect other people to pick up the slack they are creating in families and to not dare get exhausted by it mentally and physically! It would take a very rare person ( doormat) to put up with this and never complain or leave! I most certainly would rather be a single parent than basically be a single parent and a carer to someone who contributes very little to family life!

Nah.
It’s nothing to do with her illness and everything to do with with her wants trumping the needs and feelings of everyone else in the home that is causing this reaction.
Her main complaint was that her husband used his phone in bed despite the fact she doesn’t like him doing it. For no other reason than she doesn’t like him doing it.
She’s a selfish person.

Hurrah for your family member. It's great that she is able to do so much, but that doesn't mean everyone can. Everyone with chronic illness or a disability has a different level of tolerance and capability and what one person is capabale of doing shouldn't be a reflection of what someone else can do. You seem to be saying that someone who has a chronic illness or disability and struggles with life doesn't deserve to be cared for and helped but rather should be left because they are not pulling their weight??? This is how we should treat people who are not as fortunate as others just because of the luck of the draw? If our partner becomes ill and life becomes more difficult we should just abandon them and find a better, healthier model?? Crikey.

Another next level point-misser.

I don't think anyone is saying OP doesn't deserve help and care.

What people are saying, which is being so purposefully missed by the OP's fan club, is that the children don't seem to be getting the help and care that they deserve, and the OP doesn't seem to give a shit.

No one is saying she needs to get up with them, if she can't there needs to be something in place so that the 9 year old isn't overseeing the 6 year old and their mornings aren't beginning with call outs to ensure they are doing as they should be, and actual physical presence instead.

What on Earth happens in school holidays?
How long has this system been in please? The 9 year old wasn't always 9.

That's what people aren't understanding - the OP's isn't accepting that the children aren't getting the level of care that they should be, and therefore doesn't need to change it.

That's not ableism - that's being concerned for children.

Exactly this.

OP keeps saying ‘it was working’ well the only person who it is working for is the OP.

the 9 year old may be able to do that stuff but they shouldn’t HAVE to be doing it. They won’t be saying anything about it now, but when they are older they might end up resenting having to do this.

OP has ignored every solution people have tried giving and she just wanted people to agree with her that her husband is twat (even though he isn’t.) a twat and selfish cunt wouldnt have put up with this kind of behaviour, they would have walked out a long time ago.

Absolutely! I suspect the school have no idea this is going on otherwise at a minimum an EHA would have been completed and it would likely be managed at CIN by social care. I wish we knew her and could do something to help these children.

Is OP even reading still? Or is she only reading the posts that agree with her?

Yeah, as someone who experiences similar symptoms, it's very easy to see the sarcasm, ignorance, and outright nastiness.

The PP saying we're making excuses to get out of stuff, for example. Or we're professional victims. Or that we're pathetic. It's that kind of crap we have to put up with all the time. Where on earth do they get the idea that having to manage our entire lives around being unwell (and the inherent identify crisis that comes with that) is beneficial in any way?

Because we want sympathy? Well, you can see that's as rare as hens teeth. Because we want unsolicited advice on how we can magically be better or unaffected by it? To be then told we're making excuses if we say it doesn't work like that. Being told we're ungrateful and terrible mothers? Oh, how flattering. Told we don't deserve a partner because they shouldn't have to put up with us? No, that's not a benefit either. Told constantly to try harder? You can't battle an illness like this by forcing yourself to do more, unless you are prepared to make yourself even more ill. Getting to stay in bed? I would literally cry with happiness if I could have regularly restful sleep and wake up not being in pain.

And now apparently our DHs can hurt us and it's our fault for not being grateful enough that someone would stay with us in the first place.

I keep my condition as hidden as possible but I'll be doing it doubly so after reading what people will say when they're behind a keyboard.

No, I don't think its anything to do with any of those things. And it's actually a really unhelpful mindset to get into when we start to tell ourselves that anyone challenging or criticising us is doing so because there must be a flaw in them, rather than entertaining the possibility the flaw may be in ourselves.
What I see here is an OP (in the main and excepting one or two harsher comments) recieving what she asked for, which was opinions on whether her H should apologise. Many people, mainly with kindness and sensitivity, have tried to offer her another perspective.
Unfortunately the OP isn't open to that, and rather than reflecting on ideas that are uncomfortable, she has chosen the easier option of dismissing them all as personal attacks based in ablism.
I'm sure some comments have been hard to read, and I think some have been too harsh, but there have been others that may have been of great service to the OP had she been open to anything but agreement.

Regardless of anything else, you are a still being totally unreasonable about the phone. How on earth can you claim that your DH lying there looking at his phone is "waking you up" when you've said it's not the light or sound that is bothering you? You just don't like him being on his phone in bed.

One thing has been good about this thread - for all my faults I'm not incapable to empathy or seeing other peoples point of view even though Im disabled and in severe pain.

Incredible.

This whole thing is making me feel sick to my stomach now.

People who have never met me, DH or my children have assumed some horrible things.

Our cat often runs out when DH comes into a room. He's never done anything to her, but his moods are unpredictable. The only person who shouts at the children to get them ready is DH. This has one, and only one, effect: to cause one or both to burst into tears, and I then deal with the aftermath while he goes off in a huff. I don't use anger, fear and punishment as my go-to parenting tools. I use respect, trust, love and praise. My kids are proud of themselves when they're dressed early and come skipping in to tell me with smiles on faces. They tell me they love me and that I'm "the best mummy in the whole world!" spontaneously lots of the time. They're doing brilliantly at school and I've only ever had compliments on their behaviour. I'm proud of them and love them beyond words, I'd walk over burning coals for them and often, with my feet, it feels like I am!

That's why I don't care about what people here are claiming about my DC or telling me to do - I know it's prejudice bollocks from people who if they spent 5 minutes with me and my kids would realise how silly they've been.

DH is terrible at communication and acts out instead of talking about things. His game playing was too much for me that morning and as I'm lonely with nobody to talk to about this stuff I turned to the internet thinking at least someone might understand, let me blow off a bit of steam.

Some did, and I cried when I saw people who got it, who understood what it is like. I wish I'd put my energy into replying to them and ignored the rest. The level of craziness from those who didn't was way beyond what I was expecting and it's a good thing I'm as mentally strong as I am.

How I'm expected to wake up at 5am when I often only get to sleep at 3/4am is just daft, that's why I haven't bothered listening to people here telling me to change what times I do things. Or the ones obsessed with the phone, I'd left it out originally for exactly that reason.

Of course I realise that disability affects the whole family, but I'm allowed to be upset about how I'm being treated. I haven't stopped being a real person with real feelings just because I need rest and help with things that others don't, and many of the things people have said and suggested on here are hurtful or show no understanding at all. Sorry to disappoint but I won't be reflecting on these comments because I know they're simply not true. Even my DH doesn't call me selfish!

Love to everyone else dealing with autoimmune shit, it's horrible, painful and lonely and I hope beyond hope that one day there are cures for us!! Xx

What an update. So he’s now a terrifying bully who’s actually a terrible husband and father and even the cat is scared of him.

You’ve posted message after message about how happy and well cared for your children are. That can’t be the case if they’re living with an angry abusive father and a mother who is unable to protect them from him.

Loads of posters have expressed sympathy for your young children and you’ve told them how wrong they are but they’re not are they. The more you post the worse things seem for them.

Oh OP. No one is saying that you don't love your kids and that your kids don't love you. It's lovely how proud of themselves and loving they are around you as well.

Please don't take this as an insult to you. I would say the same universally whether the parent had cancer, depression, or no illness. As a former teacher, my concern was always my students' age-appropriate wellbeing and safety.

It's just that it's not safe or great for a 9 year old to have to help a 6 year old navigate school prep independently, if they have to come in and keep waking their adult up/catch the adult at awake intervals for help or affirmation. They will be beaming and smiling at this age, but still have a mental and emotional burden worse than most of their peers. And maybe that doesn't need to be the case, for example, through outside help if you can't stay awake? That won't mean you love your kids any less!

Your DH doesn't sound great. I sympathise with you having to tiptoe around his moods.

I do think you might take the above as another personal attack so I won't be posting anymore, but love is also in actions and not just words/feelings!

Yes the update makes things sound even worse for the dc tbh

Maybe your DH moods are like that because he is desperately unhappy at having to do everything?