To think DH should apologise for deliberately waking me?

[Somanysocksbutnopairs]

Some background: I am a sahm with an autoimmune condition that makes mornings very difficult for me. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed, often in a lot of pain and unable to move much. Today was a bad one, felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I have a series of alarms on my phone to make sure my two DC are ready on time for school. DH, family and friends walk them round for me (very short walk). DH WFH a couple of times a week.

Which brings me to this morning. DH starts off before my 1st alarm ~7.30 by doing something in the bed he knows disturbs my sleep (not to me tho!). But I'm so tired I'm able to fall back to sleep anyway. He then leaves the curtains open before going to his home office. I ask him to shut them but he ignores me. At this point I'm wondering if he's being a dick today.

First alarm goes at 7.45. I call to kids to make sure they're up, as per usual. DC1(9) comes into my bedroom and is already fully dressed, teeth brushed and all. DC closes the curtains for me and goes off to have breakfast.
Next alarm goes, 8am, for getting dressed. I can hear they're still eating so I go back to sleep.

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process. DC2 is fully dressed, hair done, so I ask DH wtf?! He says I need to be awake and paying attention to them. So I ask him what exactly do DC1 and 2 still need to do? (My 8.10 finish-getting-ready/hair/teeth alarm hasn't even gone yet). Answer: Nothing, but I should be awake.

Couple of mins later he starts loudly playing music. He doesn't usually do this. Again, I suspect it was to prevent me dozing.

The kids aren't always ready like this, some days they need more help/attention than others and I was so grateful to them that they'd chosen today to be little angels and I could rest, but that was ruined by DHs behaviour. So pissed off at him! I had it out with him over lunch and he's refusing to accept he's done anything wrong, other than hurting me with a child and "communicating badly".

Yabu - no parent should be able to sleep in past 7.30am on a school day! Illness is no excuse you lazy lady!! (This was pretty much his argument when refusing to apologise just now)

Yanbu - he's the unreasonable one and should apologise!

She doesn't need to guarantee anything. Her DH would be around to help on the mornings where it was all too much for her.

But the point is that it would be a gesture that could make a huge difference to her marriage. If she generally manages to be up and about by 11am after waking at 8am, why can't she at least try it this way for a week?

If it doesn't work, fair enough, but it could make a huge difference to everyone if it does. I don't think it's much to ask that she gives it a go.

I understand chronic pain - I've been there, done that. But I at least try different things to find solutions. They don't all work but of course I give them a go - why wouldn't you?

Yeah, that's what OP said in her original OP. And it's apparently fine according to PPs because OP shouldn't be such an ungrateful burden if she didn't want to be physically hurt 🙄

Finally, for the record, I never said I don't "allow" him to use his phone in bed, I knew people would miss the point on that because it is weird (and totally unreasonable that it wakes me!).
However, I know he will deliberately play with it when he wants me to wake up, ever since we discovered that's what was waking me at weekends.

He wad playing on his phone innocently and it woke you up, so you're now saying he is doing it deliberately? No he has just continued what he was doing previously and carrying on, as you say if you are that tired it doesn't work, so all is good really,

Sorry OP but if I was in your husband's position I'd leave you and go for full custody on the basis it wouldn't be safe to leave the children with you. It harsh and a bit selfish but I couldn't sacrifice my life for yours. Your husband is a saint to only lose his rag occasionally.

@Monoplane she said he dumped the child on her.

Yes, which hurt her. Is it ok or isn't it?

Don't forget that OP is a bad mother, pathetic, lazy etc. Oh and now apparently she should lose her children entirely. So she probably deserves it(!)

This thread is genuinely the most sickening thing I've ever read on MN and that's saying something.

It is absolutely not ableism to be concerned about how the current set up could be impacting their children.

*Yes, which hurt her. Is it ok or isn't it?

Don't forget that OP is a bad mother, pathetic, lazy etc. Oh and now apparently she should lose her children entirely. So she probably deserves it(!)

This thread is genuinely the most sickening thing I've ever read on MN and that's saying something.*

It's gone from dumped to chucked. Someone up thread even used 'throw' to describe it.
No, it's not ok that it hurt her, but I would assume if done with malice it would also have hurt the child, which would be even more cause for concern.

And I'm sure you think saying she should have her children taken away isn't ableism either. Neither is hurting her. Neither is calling her disgusting names and making countless insinuations about her.

Apparently 🙄

@Monoplane thank you for that insight in to my beliefs and thoughts. So handy that I only had to type one thing and you were able to conclude all that from it.

Hello, I think you're referencing my post? That seems like a deliberate misreading to me :/ As I mentioned, the poster said it in terms of SS providing additional help. I even specified it was not mentioned in the context of having her kids removed.

Let me find it:

Maybe social services could help with regards to adult help?

The other part of her post is:

I have a really rare condition. Before I was diagnosed I literally was on all fours trying to hoover.

I have a husband and he worked so hard to help me and I don’t know how he did it. However I do think something needs to change. A 6 yr old shouldn’t be left to their own devices if they don’t have too.

I do agree with them that a 6 year old can do an independent morning routine, but still needs an alert adult in the house. Whether you're able bodied or you have cancer or depression or chronic fatigue, a 6 year old needs supervision from an adult who's awake, whether that's OP or someone else. It's not ableist to say that at all!

It's all on the thread. It's full of ableism made with either wide eyed faux innocence or just straight up plain ignorance.

Oh sorry you thought it was aimed at you. I was referring to this one:

Aishah231 · Today 17:59

Sorry OP but if I was in your husband's position I'd leave you and go for full custody on the basis it wouldn't be safe to leave the children with you. It harsh and a bit selfish but I couldn't sacrifice my life for yours. Your husband is a saint to only lose his rag occasionally.

@Monoplane go back and re read the OP, you are wrong!

I'll accept your apology though!

I know you'll come up with but, but, but

But the op doesn't say chucked, so my post stands.

OP I think some self reflection would be useful, your last post shows that you still feel that everything you do is fine and everything your husband does is wrong. I’d recommend leaving this thread now, and I hope that you can reflect and realise that the posters you now think are critical and ablist, are in fact only acknowledging that being a partner to someone with a disability has its challenges too.

i genuinely wish you all the best

Oh I see, my apologies for the misunderstanding. I thought you were following on from OP's misunderstanding about social services.

I think the comment you quoted was needlessly harsh – everyone deserves to be in a loving marriage regardless of disability status.

But like the poster said, I absolutely wouldn't leave my DH alone with my little ones if he'll just be asleep then. It's not safe.

I'd need him to at least be willing to discuss solutions with me, and not keep insisting a 9 year old preparing a 6 year old for school while the parent snoozes is fine.

Otherwise honestly yes, I would contemplate divorce, and I know he would if I were the unreceptive one too. The divorce would not be due to disability, but attitude.

I think it's totally fair if OP doesn't want to explain herself to strangers on this thread (eg why cutting housework out is not an option), but in a couple I can see intense frustration emerging if 1 person insists this unsupervised setup is fine for the kids, when it's really not, from any reasonable perspective.

You haven't discovered a magical solution that we're all too stupid to get.

I have. It’s called child care.

I agree with a PP.
I’d leave too. Not because of the disability or the extra work but because OP clearly doesn’t care in the slightest about his happiness if it conflicts with the idea she’s got everything under control while she’s asleep and interprets him saying “leave it” as an apology because she is never wrong.

At least the more people who pile on me, the more the OP gets left alone.

Yeah, the more the 6 year old is left all alone too!

Sorry that wasn't very nice but is it so hard to grasp that the wee children take priority over OP's feelings? I've no doubt they're like little angels, but these things (lack of parental supervision, parentification of older sibling) do have consequences down the line, which I think OP's DH may have been concerned about.

I'd find it so hard raising kids with someone who interpreted concern for my own kids – and any proposed solutions like outside help – as ableist, bullying, pile on, etc. That said, I guess I'm not the DH, and that's sadly his problem and his kids, so logging off this thread now.

The "older child" is 9, not a teen who's fairly independent already. Spaced out alarms to shout out to them, lovely. I sympathise with being ill but the world doesn't stop, you still need to I don't know... Parent your kids, not just lie there shouting out. It is unreasonable to get pissy at someone looking at their phone beside you while you're waiting for the next shout out to the kids alarm, get an eye mask and get yourself up earlier to actually be there and not a voice yelling from behind the door and getting pissy at the parent that's actually doing something

But you were wrong about the OP and chucking, yeah?

You've the same I'm not wrong personality of the OP for sure.

The OP was physically hurt by what happened. I don't especially care about digging into semantics. I care that she was hurt. That's not ok, no matter how it's described.

Being frustrated is never an excuse to hurt other people.

@Monoplane she didn't say chucked, read the OP, just as you told me too, does it say chucked.......NO!!

You are as wrong as the OP!

A 6 yr old requires more supervision than is being given, a 9 yr old requires less responsibility that he's being lumped with.

The op has a disability, she may not be able to provide that supervision herself so she and her husband need to provide it between them either in person or via a third party.

I struggle to believe anyone can't be at least awake for their 6 yr old to supervise for half an hour in the morning and considers that adequate parenting.

Take the time from something else not from the getting the kids out the door portio. Of the day.

Op you need to find a way to provide your children care in the morning. It's not your fault you're disabled, it is certainly not the Pauly of your children so the impact on them should come first