To think DH should apologise for deliberately waking me?

[Somanysocksbutnopairs]

Some background: I am a sahm with an autoimmune condition that makes mornings very difficult for me. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed, often in a lot of pain and unable to move much. Today was a bad one, felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I have a series of alarms on my phone to make sure my two DC are ready on time for school. DH, family and friends walk them round for me (very short walk). DH WFH a couple of times a week.

Which brings me to this morning. DH starts off before my 1st alarm ~7.30 by doing something in the bed he knows disturbs my sleep (not to me tho!). But I'm so tired I'm able to fall back to sleep anyway. He then leaves the curtains open before going to his home office. I ask him to shut them but he ignores me. At this point I'm wondering if he's being a dick today.

First alarm goes at 7.45. I call to kids to make sure they're up, as per usual. DC1(9) comes into my bedroom and is already fully dressed, teeth brushed and all. DC closes the curtains for me and goes off to have breakfast.
Next alarm goes, 8am, for getting dressed. I can hear they're still eating so I go back to sleep.

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process. DC2 is fully dressed, hair done, so I ask DH wtf?! He says I need to be awake and paying attention to them. So I ask him what exactly do DC1 and 2 still need to do? (My 8.10 finish-getting-ready/hair/teeth alarm hasn't even gone yet). Answer: Nothing, but I should be awake.

Couple of mins later he starts loudly playing music. He doesn't usually do this. Again, I suspect it was to prevent me dozing.

The kids aren't always ready like this, some days they need more help/attention than others and I was so grateful to them that they'd chosen today to be little angels and I could rest, but that was ruined by DHs behaviour. So pissed off at him! I had it out with him over lunch and he's refusing to accept he's done anything wrong, other than hurting me with a child and "communicating badly".

Yabu - no parent should be able to sleep in past 7.30am on a school day! Illness is no excuse you lazy lady!! (This was pretty much his argument when refusing to apologise just now)

Yanbu - he's the unreasonable one and should apologise!

Now this. THIS is the difference.

@WFHbore2023 you need to calm down

1. I never accused you of sock puppeting, so please apologise for that, I merely asked if MN would confirm. It was another poster you were arguing with that accused you. Understand that's difficult, you're arguing with a lot of people on here.

1. DH will roll in bed, snore, move etc on his phone or not, so does he have to lie perfectly still? Not reach for a glass of water, scratch his back, turn over? OP also confirmed that she had fallen back to sleep anyway.

1. No mention of changed meds, you've fabricated that

1. OPs DH is far from a Cunt IMO and in the 63% majority who have voted the OP IBU.

You're a very angry person, you may find anger management useful. Or channel all that energy else where.

Yes and how very dare he maybe reach for a glass of water, utter bastard!

@Griefgood I think you've @ the wrong person here...

My apologies @WFHbore2023 , you are correct. It was for @WinterMusings .

Thank you for pointing this out.

It's funny how the argument is 'you can't understand because you aren't chronically unwell' but then when those of who are actually both chronically unwell and a reasonable human being we're not right either.

Hmm life sounds restricted for your DH. For his mental health and yours, would separate beds or bedrooms be an option?

I was thinking what if my DH was bedbound. If he decided to do mornings while I was at work by yelling occasionally to the kids (incl a 6 year old) from the next room then going back to sleep, that wouldn't work for me either. I would be totally fed up by this half-arsed and ridiculous system. You're either napping or parenting, you can't do both at once.

Other posters have provided lots of options that don't just include "powering through": moving DH's work hours, childminder, sleeping earlier to move your current 3 hour "slow rise" time earlier plus swapping out laundry time for more resting after that.

Also, being bedridden isn't lazy, but the mental unwillingness to work out a proper system is lazy and entitled. Maybe it comes from pride like "I can do this" but actually it's not embarrassing to admit that you need help sometimes.

sleeping earlier to move your current 3 hour "slow rise" time earlier plus swapping out laundry time for more resting after that.

Neither the OP nor any of "the DH is a c*nt" group have mentioned why this wouldn't work. So for @WinterMusings or those who experience this, why would waking up at 6 and having a slow wake up before the kids wake up, then being up with the kids and then going back to bed for a few hours while the kids are in school. Why wouldn't this work?

I think she said because she has to do laundry or her DH would be pissed off. Not sure if they've actually spoken about it or she's just assuming, but that sounds unreasonable of DH. It'll take him a tenth of the time and effort to do laundry anyway as mentioned upthread.

But it sounds like her DH is totally fed up with all the shouting in the morning, and unsupervised 6 year olds toddling around, while he's meant to be at work. They could have a talk and she explains to him it will be a tradeoff: no laundry but she can be more present in the mornings.

Funnily enough, it took me until 4am to fall asleep last night thanks to pain, but I still feel better than I did yesterday morning - I was much more awake (loads less fatigued) but also more 'normal' tired. They're very, very different things.

I've been mulling it all over and taking the disability out of it for a moment, what I'd asked is if it was understandable that I was annoyed at DH for acting out at me, instead of talking to me about whatever his problem was, and his refusal to apologise for acting out.

However, because of the disability being involved, I've had it implied that I'm a neglectful, negligent mother, that I just sit about barking orders at everyone, should simply try harder, treated like I'm incapable of making the best decisions for my own body and health, had my medication questioned, had my daily activities put under the microscope, told I have no empathy towards DH, that I'm selfish, unappreciative, that I potentially shouldn't have had kids at all, and I think I even saw someone suggest social services... Oh and that I should count myself lucky that DH is still with me (so I guess that means any and all bad behaviour on his part should be completely tolerated by myself). That about covers it?

I think I finally understand what people mean by "ableism" ...!

DH was really lovely to me this morning, I asked him about what was up yesterday morning but he said to leave it, in a nice way. That's pretty much an apology from him, he's not really one for saying "sorry". I suspect it may well have been about the activity he wants me to look into, which he'd mentioned at dinner (it's completely unrelated to the morning routine /my disability). We've just been chatting about that again today.

All's well that ends well, and this has certainly been an interesting experience! no doubt those who have decided that I'm a selfish, useless waste of space, with traumatised children and my DH a wonderful martyred saint will continue to think that. It's very funny in a way, we're just ordinary people in a crap situation, and like everyone, don't treat each other brilliantly 24/7.

Finally, for the record, I never said I don't "allow" him to use his phone in bed, I knew people would miss the point on that because it is weird (and totally unreasonable that it wakes me!).
However, I know he will deliberately play with it when he wants me to wake up, ever since we discovered that's what was waking me at weekends. But it didn't work this time, so he tried other tactics, ending with him chucking DC onto me - he claims he meant for DC to land beside me but missed.

Another obstinate update from the Op.

Don’t bother asking people in the future about any opinion on anything because unless we all completely agree with you, you’ll never take any notice any way.

Good luck

What a shame! all those responses and you’ve refused to take anything on board or self reflect at all🙄 what a waste of everyone’s time! Several people on here have explained they themselves have disabilities and chronic/serious illnesses and are far from ableist, but ok OP, you are a victim and everyone else is wrong!

It's very funny in a way, we're just ordinary people in a crap situation, and like everyone, don't treat each other brilliantly 24/7.

you can freely say this today, yet needed to make a post yesterday after he didn't treat you brilliantly.

I'm glad today has been kinder to you.

It wouldn't work because you're vastly underestimating the amount of time someone would need to be awake for the inflammation to pass. I said up thread that a 2am waking time might mean that the OP feels more capable at 8am.

I can't see waking up at 2am every morning being sustainable. There's this pesky thing called the evening you have to get your kids fed and off to bed in.

But don't listen to the people who actually have to live like this on any account will you? You already know everything there is to know about, right? So no need to listen to what the actual reality of the situation is.

The ableism on this thread is legion.

I'm glad it went well with DH!

We would often be left totally alone in the house as children. At 6 I was probably minding my own routine entirely, and at 9 I was definitely already taking care of all my younger siblings, with no one else in the house. That was a generation ago though, and a much, much poorer country!

In a first world country/this generation, though, I do think a 6 year old needs minimum adult supervision. Independence is great, but minimum supervision from a distance is still required. Even if you're lying down, you have to at least be awake.

I don't think I was being ableist in saying you can't sleep and supervise a 6 year old's independent morning routine at the same time, though. Unless your dreams function as a sort of remote CCTV, which I so wish were the case :)

When you're sleeping, little children may be hesitant to wake you, and you can't listen out for anything bad or upsetting or dangerous as well. By the time their crying has awoken you, or the poor 9 year old has decided it's okay to wake you up, it's usually a bit too late.

No one is saying you're a bad person for not being able to stay awake, but I think it's victimhood to say pointing out that kids have basic needs = ableist.

It would be ableism to say you have to do it at the same level of a normal parent, just for the sake of it and no other reason. But it's not ableism to try to ensure both yours and your kids' needs are met. Whether through your DH or outside help or whatever.

By the way, I think PP mentioned social services in terms of help/funding they provide for disabilities (as you say you have a pretty bad disability), not in terms of removing your kids. I've actually looked into any funding/help I can get myself too (for ADHD which I know isn't remotely the same at all).

Ableism? No

Refusing to let someone be an entitled victim with no thought for anyone else? Yes

YABU. Totally. You have all bloody day to rest!

With respect, listening to someone who isn't the OP, who just happens to have a similar condition is not really that helpful in understanding the unique individual who is the OP is it? I mean, we've had people with similar conditions tell us that they can do a lot more than the OP can. But that's not relevant as they're not her, and not all disabled people are the same. To think that is ableist.
The OP wakes at 8 and can carry out light activity by 11 (typically) so for her, 3 hours. It's not unreasonable that some people wondered why the 3 hours can't be 5 till 8.

By much poorer country I meant not the UK!

Where on earth are you getting 2am from? OP has said it generally takes her three hours from waking to being able to shower and manage light activity.

So I don't think it's unreasonable for people to ask why those hours can't be 5am-8am, instead of 8am-11am. She then has from the time the children leave until pick-up to sort laundry and go back to bed for a few hours solid sleep.

Wow after all your 'mulling over' this is your end result?

I'll take disability out of it too for a moment, you sound utterly self absorbed, selfish and just generally not a nice person, the woe is me, its all about ME is just astonishing.

Best of luck for the future and I mean that as it seems you really are going to need it.

Yeah I'm fully aware of how long it takes. If you want to be certain the overnight inflammation has eased, you're going to need a long time to guarantee that. It doesn't work on clockwork. You can't schedule it for a more convenient time.

You haven't discovered a magical solution that we're all too stupid to get. You are literally imagining how you would act in a situation you have no understanding about. You can't trick the pain or inflammation to come at a more convenient time. It rules your entire life.

I appreciate that seems 'pathetic' to some posters. Alas, you can't insult someone into being healthy either. If so, I'm pretty sure OP would have made a full recovery by now with all the shit she's had thrown at her from PPs.

Oh he chucked the child now?

Best of luck for the future and I mean that as it seems you really are going to need it.

This is my over-riding thought on reading that final navel-gazing summary.

Good luck, OP.

And there's another post made solely for the purpose of insulting the OP.

Getting a sick thrill out of kicking people when they're down doesn't make you Captain Cool. It's incredibly childish and unnecessary.