To think DH should apologise for deliberately waking me?

[Somanysocksbutnopairs]

Some background: I am a sahm with an autoimmune condition that makes mornings very difficult for me. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed, often in a lot of pain and unable to move much. Today was a bad one, felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I have a series of alarms on my phone to make sure my two DC are ready on time for school. DH, family and friends walk them round for me (very short walk). DH WFH a couple of times a week.

Which brings me to this morning. DH starts off before my 1st alarm ~7.30 by doing something in the bed he knows disturbs my sleep (not to me tho!). But I'm so tired I'm able to fall back to sleep anyway. He then leaves the curtains open before going to his home office. I ask him to shut them but he ignores me. At this point I'm wondering if he's being a dick today.

First alarm goes at 7.45. I call to kids to make sure they're up, as per usual. DC1(9) comes into my bedroom and is already fully dressed, teeth brushed and all. DC closes the curtains for me and goes off to have breakfast.
Next alarm goes, 8am, for getting dressed. I can hear they're still eating so I go back to sleep.

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process. DC2 is fully dressed, hair done, so I ask DH wtf?! He says I need to be awake and paying attention to them. So I ask him what exactly do DC1 and 2 still need to do? (My 8.10 finish-getting-ready/hair/teeth alarm hasn't even gone yet). Answer: Nothing, but I should be awake.

Couple of mins later he starts loudly playing music. He doesn't usually do this. Again, I suspect it was to prevent me dozing.

The kids aren't always ready like this, some days they need more help/attention than others and I was so grateful to them that they'd chosen today to be little angels and I could rest, but that was ruined by DHs behaviour. So pissed off at him! I had it out with him over lunch and he's refusing to accept he's done anything wrong, other than hurting me with a child and "communicating badly".

Yabu - no parent should be able to sleep in past 7.30am on a school day! Illness is no excuse you lazy lady!! (This was pretty much his argument when refusing to apologise just now)

Yanbu - he's the unreasonable one and should apologise!

Right ok, so we get it - it's not as simple as powering through.

The next point most are trying to make us that the current morning set up isn't working, and isn't fair on anyone so that needs to be addressed.

The children haven't always been 9 and 6....how long have they been left with minimum supervision in the morning?

It's been said a few times that it's hoped that none of us have to experience what the OP is because it's debilitating. I hope so too. But if I did - I'd make sure my children had a more sturdy morning set up than they currently do.

I shouldn't need to explain my life to you, but I'm not the OP and she and I don't have identical lives and responsibilities. I have chronic insomnia and I'm on morphine at the moment because I picked up a very heavy bag recently. My delivery was cancelled last minute so I had to go to pick it up because it was needed urgently. I especially can't sleep on morphine. But without it, I'm in agony still.

However, I hope that explains that being forced to complete tasks beyond your capacity only makes you even more unwell, and for a significant amount of time.

Again, I have a serious disease that you can't ah-ha me over, no matter how much you try tripping me up. I have no idea why you would want to spend your life trying to pick apart the lives of disabled people to find more reasons to disparage them 😬

I dont want you to explain your life but you literally posted a photo of your fitbit last night saying you need 14 (sorry I said 12) hours sleep!

Yes, that's how much sleep I've been having recently. I haven't had that much sleep last night - well observed.

I'm stuck in bed now for the rest of the day because I have to keep taking my morphine for the pain I'm in. I can't sleep with the pain or the morphine, but I can at least doze on and off with painkillers, which I've been doing all night.

This is because I recently had to carry something very heavy briefly without assistance. That's all it takes to knock me completely sideways.

I'll be paying for that for who knows how many days. It's definitely wiped my weekend out, if not all of next week.

That's exactly why I find the idea of just trying to do more quite so laughable.

I know it's hard on him too, but I'm finding it difficult to understand why that means it's ok to do what he did to me instead of just talking to me about it.

I don't think anyone here has said it's okay for him to strop about and chuck children on the bed at you - but that doesn't mean we can't have sympathy for his situation as well as for yours.

People under lots of stress often behave irrationally and overreact over mundane things - and the way you describe your set-up means there's no way he's not under lots of stress.

That doesn't mean it's not shit that you're situation is the way it is or that you're not in pain and struggling everyday - but he's allowed to struggle too even though he's not the one with the illness. On top of being sole the wage earner, he's also your carer and does a large amount of parenting
as well as cooking.

Of course it's not your fault that you can't do more but I think a little more appreciation and understanding for your DH's workload would go a long way.

If I ever became disabled or my other half did, I would still hope the disabled person works with the other half to accept their own limitations and find solutions.

This whole thread is like talking to a brick wall. Any time people try to have a simple logistical conversation, others just go without listening, "How do you expect someone with chronic illness to power through? You wouldn't do this to someone with a broken knee bla bla bla". The person with the broken knee would bloody well sort care for their little children if they were going to be partially immobilised on a long term basis!

Yes, you're exhausted from chronic illness. You have to stay in bed all day. OK we get it. Disabled people have needs, children have needs, your husband has needs (not using phone in bed just because you psychologically don't like it?). Your needs especially don't trump a little child's.

Sorry but as someone whose mother used to do exactly the same sans the alarms, randomly shouting commands in between sleep to a 6 y/o is not a way to parent. OP's DH obviously agrees. If you insist on parenting from bed, at least figure out a way to stay awake – eg shifting your nice slow 8am-11am rising transition time earlier, then resting in the afternoon.

If you can't, that's okay. Plenty of posters have been saying to look into other caring arrangements. You can still participate from bed if you like but as a helpful addition, rather than as part of a chaotic (all those alarms and all that shouting/calling!), dysfunctional and inappropriate arrangement.

How do you know that? I know I'd have had an easier time as a single mum rather than a mum bringing up kids and looking after a disabled partner. It is scandalous how unpaid carers are treated.

I was picking up GC from school one day, a lovely mum who was picking up her kids looked wiped out. Her husband had cancer and was going through chemo. I walked over, smiled and said "How are you" she burst into tears. I apologised for upsetting her and she said it was just that no one ever asked that, they always asked about her husband but no one seemed to realise what she was going through. That is pretty typical in my experience. In 30 years I can't remember anyone asking how I was coping.

No, but then they're not likely to be acting like counts either.

he's calling the OP all kinds of horrible things.

he's waking her up by fidgeting in bed then playing music.

the mornings he goes to work run smoothly. He wasn't helping yesterday morning, he was just calling her names, and physically hurting her.

6 & 9 year olds can (&do) get dressed by themselves & if they need help they go to their mum who helps them. They're also plenty old enough to get cereal.

she ensures they're ready, while managing her pain the best way she can. He doesn't need to do anything for the kids in the mornings. Except sometimes he walks them around the corner to school.

it's disgusting he calls someone so debilitated by their illness lazy & a terrible mother, physically dumps their 6 year old on her already painful body.

she's not 'just a bit tired' she's chronically fatigued & in a lot of pain.

many of you will never understand, if you remain well, some of you may & I hope you remember how bloody nasty you were on this thread.

many of you will never understand, if you remain well, some of you may & I hope you remember how bloody nasty you were on this thread

Absolutely. It's like listening to people talk about easy it is to look after a newborn when it's their PFB. The reality is a lot different to their fantasies.

I'd love to be able to jump out of bed feeling well rested. I'd dearly love to not be in agony all the time. I'd also love to not have to read PP after PP making out like we're ungrateful and selfish. Apparently we can even be physically hurt on purpose, but that's our fault for being a burden.

It really does make me feel unwell that this is how people see us.

Oh god, he fidgeted in bed?!

I missed that bit. What a prick.

There's nothing nasty about pointing out that actually, children do need more than someone calling out to them in the mornings. If she can't do it, they need to find someone who can. They haven't always been the age they are now - how long have they been left sorting themselves out?

It wouldn't be acceptable for an able bodied parent to just call instructions from bed, and a lot of us are in agreement that it's not a great setup for the op's children too. It would seem her husband agrees.

@WinterMusings he was looking at his phone,.... not fidgeting, that's what children do!

Maybe if OP put away her phone before 11pm, she may be more rested in the morning?

How many times do people need to be told that the OP is never going to wake up well rested?

That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works.

@Monoplane so you think it's a good idea she's fidgeting with her phone until 11pm? She can do what she wants but her DH, well he must use his phone in bed....

*mustn't

I don't think people are listening @monoplane. It's like hitting your head against a brick wall. People need to read about the spoons theory to get an idea of how it works. My husband was the main breadwinner and carer for our children for some time while I had a long period of ill-health due to chronic illness and not once did he throw it back in my face just because he was tired or stressed. He was pained to see me struggling so much and trying to do everything I possibly could for our children but often failing to do so due to my health. He never took it out on me because 'IT WAS NOT MY FAULT'. The OP is doing everything she can within her all-consuming limits and her husband, who is no doubt tired and stressed, needs to deal with it in a different way. I would not wish chronic illness on anyone, but sometimes I really wish every healthy person could spend a day or so in the body of a person with chronic illness and see how they would just 'push on through'.

Just because she is able to get up on some mornings and able to shout commands on others does not mean this is a functioning happy start to the day for the other three family members.

She needs to accept that morning are a right off and make proper plans.

Can you imagine how stressful it must be for everyone else who all then have to head off to a full day at work/ school?

They need formal and consistent plans.

The best solution seems to be, husband gets up and looks at his phone for a bit while OP wears a sleep mask.

Husband get the kids ready and takes them to a child minder.

He gets on with his job in peace knowing they’re being properly cared for and supervised.

OP gets to stay in bed in peace knowing the kids are being properly cared for and supervised without having to wake up every 15 minutes.

The kids spend time with a child minder who ensures they’re cared for and people supervised without being shouted at every 15 minutes or navigating the mood of their stressed out dad.

This.

Except, the sleep mask. It's not the light from the phone. It's just the knowledge that he's on it.

@WFHbore2023
I missed that bit of extra unreasonable info!
Thanks

Also, I know it’s write off.
There are some other shocking typos in there too but you catch my drift 😂

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. This morning I didn’t even wake up until DH brought the DCs in to say goodbye then all I could manage was a hand wave and a mumbled have a good day.

I think you need to give yourself a reality check, I know it’s hard I’m in the same position but you have to think about what your DH is doing, if he’s anything like mine he is working full time and practically a single parent doing everything for the DCs. I’m good at dishing out instructions, X needs swimming kit today, make sure Y has this, but he’s doing all the physical work. Yes there are times he wakes or annoys me, he chills with his phone if he gets a chance, more often than not the youngest has already woke him up, he sometimes comes in and puts the light on or slams the clean washing basket on the bed frantically looking for clean matching socks. I don’t take it personally, it’s stressful getting kids ready for school and I wouldn’t have a clue whether he’s gearing up for a big day at work or had a bad nights sleep and most importantly it’s not his fault I’m so ill I can’t do what I want in the mornings, which is get my own children ready for school. Shit I’m lucky if I have the energy to pick my kids up most days.

I know it’s hard when your in so much pain, fatigued and depressed with your body attacking you, but you need to try and put yourself in your DHs shoes. Since I’ve done that DH and I have a far better relationship and I don’t get as upset or take things personally if he dose something that annoys me.

@Monoplane exactly. I'm not in anywhere near the OP's situation, but I do have CF and chronic pain.

I do understand how difficult to understand what that means/how it feels until you're actually in that situation.

but even before, I believed people, even if I didn't quite understand and I'd certainly not have said the things people have said.

At least a few of us do 'get it', but it is hurtful to know what (some) people think. Like it's optional to feel this level of pain & fatigue.

@Griefgood

only children fidget? What planet are you on???

There will be movement when he gets his phone, when he scrolls, when he gets comfortable.

if it wakes the OP, it wakes the OP, it would wake me too.

The OP is changing meds, I can't remember if she said or not, but this often causes insomnia as can chronic pain.

you clearly have less than no idea & an attitude to go with it.

if people, like you, could just actually experience what she is, you'd sharp change your tune!!

so have you confirmed with MN I'm not the OP sock puppeting, or was that just a nasty dig??

You’re calling a man a cunt because he dares to get comfortable in his own bed?

Get a grip

There will be movement when he gets his phone, when he scrolls, when he gets comfortable

Ha ha ha ha do you want him to mummify himself each night before bed? Put on a straitjacket? Leave his phone downstairs till morning like a good boy?

Honestly you have come up with some tripe on this thread but this takes the biscuit.