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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DH should apologise for deliberately waking me?

625 replies

Somanysocksbutnopairs · 02/03/2023 12:57

Some background: I am a sahm with an autoimmune condition that makes mornings very difficult for me. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed, often in a lot of pain and unable to move much. Today was a bad one, felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I have a series of alarms on my phone to make sure my two DC are ready on time for school. DH, family and friends walk them round for me (very short walk). DH WFH a couple of times a week.

Which brings me to this morning. DH starts off before my 1st alarm ~7.30 by doing something in the bed he knows disturbs my sleep (not to me tho!). But I'm so tired I'm able to fall back to sleep anyway. He then leaves the curtains open before going to his home office. I ask him to shut them but he ignores me. At this point I'm wondering if he's being a dick today.

First alarm goes at 7.45. I call to kids to make sure they're up, as per usual. DC1(9) comes into my bedroom and is already fully dressed, teeth brushed and all. DC closes the curtains for me and goes off to have breakfast.
Next alarm goes, 8am, for getting dressed. I can hear they're still eating so I go back to sleep.

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process. DC2 is fully dressed, hair done, so I ask DH wtf?! He says I need to be awake and paying attention to them. So I ask him what exactly do DC1 and 2 still need to do? (My 8.10 finish-getting-ready/hair/teeth alarm hasn't even gone yet). Answer: Nothing, but I should be awake.

Couple of mins later he starts loudly playing music. He doesn't usually do this. Again, I suspect it was to prevent me dozing.

The kids aren't always ready like this, some days they need more help/attention than others and I was so grateful to them that they'd chosen today to be little angels and I could rest, but that was ruined by DHs behaviour. So pissed off at him! I had it out with him over lunch and he's refusing to accept he's done anything wrong, other than hurting me with a child and "communicating badly".

Yabu - no parent should be able to sleep in past 7.30am on a school day! Illness is no excuse you lazy lady!! (This was pretty much his argument when refusing to apologise just now)

Yanbu - he's the unreasonable one and should apologise!

OP posts:
thaegumathteth · 03/03/2023 02:48

I'm not superior I'm just not blinded to other peoples needs being just as valid as my own.

Monoplane · 03/03/2023 02:52

thaegumathteth · 03/03/2023 02:48

I'm not superior I'm just not blinded to other peoples needs being just as valid as my own.

So if someone threw a child on you, that would be cool? Or nah?

You are so much better than the rest of us so would you be super grateful for that? He's only doing what anyone would do if their wife was incapacitated, right?

thaegumathteth · 03/03/2023 02:53

I'm not even willing to keep going over this with you. I've explained myself up thread. Perhaps read that and get rid of the chip on your shoulder.

Monoplane · 03/03/2023 02:57

thaegumathteth · 03/03/2023 02:53

I'm not even willing to keep going over this with you. I've explained myself up thread. Perhaps read that and get rid of the chip on your shoulder.

That suits me fine 🙂

Off you pop.

StarsSand · 03/03/2023 02:59

@Monoplane

Literally no one has said putting the 6 year old on her was ok- if you read the OP you'll see that even her DH has already said that he was wrong to do that.

It's not in dispute at all.

Monoplane · 03/03/2023 03:17

StarsSand · 03/03/2023 02:59

@Monoplane

Literally no one has said putting the 6 year old on her was ok- if you read the OP you'll see that even her DH has already said that he was wrong to do that.

It's not in dispute at all.

But he's still a stand up guy who needs more appreciation? I don't buy it.

I think he behaved appallingly. And knowing just how exhaustion feels, I perceive it as especially nasty. Chucking kids around, deliberately playing loud music, and leaving the curtains open are all douchebag moves. Not to mention wholly unproductive.

StarsSand · 03/03/2023 03:28

@Monoplane

People aren't entirely good or bad.

His behaviour was poor (as he himself has said) but the frustration behind his behaviour is valid.

StarsSand · 03/03/2023 03:29

@Monoplane

Can you acknowledge that OP's DH has also been dealt a rough hand and is carrying a heavy load?

SomersetONeil · 03/03/2023 03:31

We get it loud and clear @Monoplane - you and the OP are the only ones with needs.

Monoplane · 03/03/2023 03:42

SomersetONeil · 03/03/2023 03:31

We get it loud and clear @Monoplane - you and the OP are the only ones with needs.

No one needs to throw children at disabled people. No one needs to deliberately wake up people who need to sleep because of a serious illness.

Those aren't needs.

There are plenty of single parents who have to do a lot more than what her DH is doing. Yes it's very hard, but that doesn't mean they can treat others like crap because they're frustrated. And if they do, they've waived their right to sympathy from me.

WFHbore2023 · 03/03/2023 06:35

Throw though? Did he throw the 6 year old?
Or did he place her on her mother? Neither one is great if it's going to cause the OP pain, but then neither is using unnecessary verbs to spice up the post.

If it's not as simple as we think, if it's not a case of taking meds earlier so they can kick in, or getting up with the kids and having uninterrupted rest when the children have left for school then it's time to face the facts - the poster is not a SAHM, she is in need of care herself and a plan needs to be made for the set up in the morning.

Perhaps, like many of us on here, her husband doesn't think it's ok for the children to be overseeing themselves, and went about it the wrong way this morning.

If it was a bad day for the OP, maybe it was a bad day for her husband.

Griefgood · 03/03/2023 06:47

Good to see OP on her phone in bed for a couple of hours.

BellePeppa · 03/03/2023 06:49

DumpedinKilburn · 02/03/2023 18:05

He sounds as if he getting to the end of his tether.
Tread carefully because you'll be up Shit Creek with no paddle if he packs his bag and goes.

I’m sorry you have a chronic illness but I also think you need to stop taking for granted his ever presence in your life. He’s obviously having days when he feels he’s had enough but it appears he’s not allowed those days and it’s only going to take one day when someone crosses his path who suddenly seems to make the day brighter. You need to be less selfish (ie it seems everything has to be centred around your well-being over others) so the person who’s making his day brighter is you and not someone else!

BourbonBon · 03/03/2023 06:55

So your DH rushes around in a morning sorting the kids out before having to go to work and you lay there like the queen of Sheeba barking orders from your bed … and he’s the wrong ‘un?

BellePeppa · 03/03/2023 07:00

Monoplane · 03/03/2023 00:12

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process

Yeah, he sounds like a saint. Hope OP 'powers through' and washes his feet of an evening.

I don't want to wish illness on anyone, but if some PPs do end up seriously ill with something similar, they'll soon realise just how ridiculous they sound right now.

If there was a simple solution, everyone would be doing it already. No one has made a massive scientific breakthrough today. It's pure ignorance.

Show quote history

The dumping bit could have been hyperbole. After all she deliberately made out her husband was ‘doing something’ in bed (which people assumed was w*anking) when in fact it was him being on his phone, then she had a strange excuse for her wording. It must be awful to have a chronic illness but that doesn’t mean the person is automatically likeable or reasonable.

Griefgood · 03/03/2023 07:13

@Monoplane no one needs to throw a child and no one did! Complete hyperbole from you!

GrinAndVomit · 03/03/2023 07:17

Well the updates are incredibly frustrating.

OP, very gently, consider how much of this situation working relies on your husband and your nine year old. Please consider how you could better manage this with a little empathy for them.

You need to find a solution where he can use his phone in bed.

You need to stop with the alarms and shouting. If you are incapacitated, sleep.

It would be incredibly stressful to leave for work knowing my husband was still in bed with a series of alarms waking him to shout commands at the children.

You need look into claiming PIP and to consider using that money for a cleaner, and your husband taking the children to a child minder before he starts work.

Your situation is not working for him. You need to compromise so that he can be happier.

I understand you are in pain but your house does not revolve around you.

Rosebel · 03/03/2023 07:20

I love the idea that someone with chronic exhaustion can just power through as they are a parent.
Powering through is what you do when you have an ear infection or a nasty cold, not what you do with a chronic illness.
Perhaps she physically can't move to the sofa. Perhaps her DH doesn't want to be woken up an hour earlier by her alarm.
Her DH should be allowed to go on his phone and I think it's a bit much to complain about that but people are saying she should get up and do more is unreasonable and mean. She's already explained multiple times she can't do more.
If her DH was stressed or is finding it too much, even though it doesn't sound like he was doing anything, he needs to discuss it calmly with his wife not just dump a child on her. His actions don't mean he's on the verge leaving.
We've all had days when we feel everything is too much but we act like adults rather than throwing a tantrum as her DH did.

PyjamaFan · 03/03/2023 07:23

GrinAndVomit · 03/03/2023 07:17

Well the updates are incredibly frustrating.

OP, very gently, consider how much of this situation working relies on your husband and your nine year old. Please consider how you could better manage this with a little empathy for them.

You need to find a solution where he can use his phone in bed.

You need to stop with the alarms and shouting. If you are incapacitated, sleep.

It would be incredibly stressful to leave for work knowing my husband was still in bed with a series of alarms waking him to shout commands at the children.

You need look into claiming PIP and to consider using that money for a cleaner, and your husband taking the children to a child minder before he starts work.

Your situation is not working for him. You need to compromise so that he can be happier.

I understand you are in pain but your house does not revolve around you.

I totally agree either this.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/03/2023 07:38

SomersetONeil · 03/03/2023 03:31

We get it loud and clear @Monoplane - you and the OP are the only ones with needs.

This! I feel sorry for anyone having to deal with this woe is me attitude, only they matter sod everyone else around them.

Monoplane · 03/03/2023 07:58

Rosebel · 03/03/2023 07:20

I love the idea that someone with chronic exhaustion can just power through as they are a parent.
Powering through is what you do when you have an ear infection or a nasty cold, not what you do with a chronic illness.
Perhaps she physically can't move to the sofa. Perhaps her DH doesn't want to be woken up an hour earlier by her alarm.
Her DH should be allowed to go on his phone and I think it's a bit much to complain about that but people are saying she should get up and do more is unreasonable and mean. She's already explained multiple times she can't do more.
If her DH was stressed or is finding it too much, even though it doesn't sound like he was doing anything, he needs to discuss it calmly with his wife not just dump a child on her. His actions don't mean he's on the verge leaving.
We've all had days when we feel everything is too much but we act like adults rather than throwing a tantrum as her DH did.

Voice of reason!

Monoplane · 03/03/2023 08:01

BellePeppa · 03/03/2023 07:00

The dumping bit could have been hyperbole. After all she deliberately made out her husband was ‘doing something’ in bed (which people assumed was w*anking) when in fact it was him being on his phone, then she had a strange excuse for her wording. It must be awful to have a chronic illness but that doesn’t mean the person is automatically likeable or reasonable.

Show quote history

And now you're assuming it was hyperbolic even though OP specified that it hurt her 🙄

Monoplane · 03/03/2023 08:04

Griefgood · 03/03/2023 06:47

Good to see OP on her phone in bed for a couple of hours.

Somanysocksbutnopairs · Yesterday 22:54

That was her last update.

Are you getting this mixed up with another thread.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/03/2023 08:07

Monoplane · 03/03/2023 08:04

Somanysocksbutnopairs · Yesterday 22:54

That was her last update.

Are you getting this mixed up with another thread.

Show quote history

For someone who cant function on less than 12 hours sleep, you are up early considering you were still posting at 3.45am. Did you set your alarm just to get on mumsnet to carry on arguing with anyone with a different point of view to You?

SomersetONeil · 03/03/2023 08:08

The OP spends her life in bed.

Are we honestly assuming she’s hauling ass into another room to post on MN? Or is she much more likely staying in bed to do it?

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