To think DH should apologise for deliberately waking me?

[Somanysocksbutnopairs]

Some background: I am a sahm with an autoimmune condition that makes mornings very difficult for me. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed, often in a lot of pain and unable to move much. Today was a bad one, felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I have a series of alarms on my phone to make sure my two DC are ready on time for school. DH, family and friends walk them round for me (very short walk). DH WFH a couple of times a week.

Which brings me to this morning. DH starts off before my 1st alarm ~7.30 by doing something in the bed he knows disturbs my sleep (not to me tho!). But I'm so tired I'm able to fall back to sleep anyway. He then leaves the curtains open before going to his home office. I ask him to shut them but he ignores me. At this point I'm wondering if he's being a dick today.

First alarm goes at 7.45. I call to kids to make sure they're up, as per usual. DC1(9) comes into my bedroom and is already fully dressed, teeth brushed and all. DC closes the curtains for me and goes off to have breakfast.
Next alarm goes, 8am, for getting dressed. I can hear they're still eating so I go back to sleep.

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process. DC2 is fully dressed, hair done, so I ask DH wtf?! He says I need to be awake and paying attention to them. So I ask him what exactly do DC1 and 2 still need to do? (My 8.10 finish-getting-ready/hair/teeth alarm hasn't even gone yet). Answer: Nothing, but I should be awake.

Couple of mins later he starts loudly playing music. He doesn't usually do this. Again, I suspect it was to prevent me dozing.

The kids aren't always ready like this, some days they need more help/attention than others and I was so grateful to them that they'd chosen today to be little angels and I could rest, but that was ruined by DHs behaviour. So pissed off at him! I had it out with him over lunch and he's refusing to accept he's done anything wrong, other than hurting me with a child and "communicating badly".

Yabu - no parent should be able to sleep in past 7.30am on a school day! Illness is no excuse you lazy lady!! (This was pretty much his argument when refusing to apologise just now)

Yanbu - he's the unreasonable one and should apologise!

It sounds like your DH was being an arse this morning but you are being totally unreasonable by not allowing your DH to look at his phone in bed in the mornings, especially since you've said it's not that the light or sound are bothering you but just basically that you don't like him doing it.

It's not her fault she is ill.

That can be true, AND it can also be true that it's hard on her husband and children in a way she seems oblivious to. AND it can also be true that it's unreasonable to expect DH to cater to her wishes that he not use his phone in bed and get mad at him when he does.

Sick people aren't saints, entirely blameless of everything. This creates the unhealthy dynamic where one partner feel unable to express their own needs or frustrations and then it builds up and comes out in a shitty and unhelpful way- like PA dumping a 6 year old on its sleeping mother.

OP calls herself a SAHM but then describes laying in, someone else taking the children to school, maybe folding a little laundry and then doing far less than half of the afternoon and evening routine. Her DH is the breadwinner and doing the lionshare of the childcare and domestic duties- and she's not acknowledging it.

If I was doing all that while my DH called himself a SAHP, I'd feel like my extraordinary contributions were being overlooked. OP's DH is a carer for a disabled wife and the primary carer for two children. She talks about him like he's a total dick.

OP hasn't said why she can't set her alarm an hour earlier and spend the worst part of her day before the children wake up. She hasn't said why she can't move to the sofa to at least be emotionally present for her children in the morning.

Parents have to power through to some extent.

Agree with every word.

It would make absolutely no difference how much sleep she got or when. Powering through just means burning out even faster and having to rest for a lot, lot longer.

If you don't know what you're talking about, just say that. Or please contact a professional so they know they can swap my incredibly strong medication for a can do attitude 🙄

I have read about children who have to be their parent's personal carer. That seems like your situation.

You have chosen to be the carer of the children after school, is that right? You can't manage in the morning.
You and your partner need to clarify that he is the carer of the children and you in the mornings.
How will he look after you? Agree on it.
How will her look after the children? Agree on that.
You have a chronic, ongoing situation so you need to proceed HAPPILY for many years that is why you both need to make adult plans that look after the kids. If DH can not be part of the caring team then you need to pay someone else to come in and attend to kids and you when he can't.
When the kids are older they will be able to care for themselves reliable and possibly do some things for you when DH is working.

This pretty much sums up my feelings. I'm genuinely sympathetic to people facing issues like the OP does but it's the dismissive/unappreciative attitude towards her husband who seems to do a lot.

She should be discussing things with him, not demanding apologies from her bed while he madly rushes around trying to sort the kids before he starts work.

It seems that once again mental health is sidelined due to 'less visible' symptoms and rather than recognise that her husband is struggling OP is instead demanding he apologises for his suffering mental health.

I wonder how often she apologises for her medical issues.

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process

Yeah, he sounds like a saint. Hope OP 'powers through' and washes his feet of an evening.

I don't want to wish illness on anyone, but if some PPs do end up seriously ill with something similar, they'll soon realise just how ridiculous they sound right now.

If there was a simple solution, everyone would be doing it already. No one has made a massive scientific breakthrough today. It's pure ignorance.

My Fitbit saying I have an average of 14 hours of sleep, for people who don't understand what exhaustion looks like. And I'm still exhausted even after that.

Living with serious chronic fatigue and pain takes over your entire life. The idea that you just need to try harder is laughable.

But you're missing the point. That doesn't mean someone who is a carer for someone like OP doesn't deserve some appreciation and understanding. He's been called abusive and a cunt and it's actually completely ridiculous.

As someone else said just before me being sick doesn't make you a saint and the only person who can be right about anything or struggle with anything.

I am! Disabled I know what it's like but I also feel great appreciation for dh and would never talk about him like this.

@Monoplane

'It would make absolutely no difference how much sleep she got or when.'

If it makes no difference, why does she sleep while the children are getting ready for school?

I think you're the one missing the point.

Again -

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process

What about that deserves praise?

Jesus Christ it's like yelling into the void. No he shouldn't have done that but he sounds under appreciated and pushed to the limit. It doesn't excuse it but it could explain it.

Chronic exhaustion and chronic pain. If you don't rest, you need even more rest later. Carry on doing that and you might find yourself barely able to hobble to the bathroom and back to bed.

Imagine the most tired and sore you've ever been in your life. Now imagine that is your life.

Exactly my point.

Sounds like the result of extreme frustration.

I know I'd be frustrated if I was the main (only) breadwinner, doing most of the housework and childcare and being taken for granted by my husband. I'd probs pack my bags and tell him to get a carer instead.

@Monoplane

So then... you're saying it does matter how much sleep she gets and when?

I guess I got confused when you said the actual opposite of that earlier.

What are you trying to prove? Do you think I've got chronic exhaustion because of some logical fallacy?

OP will be exhausted 24/7 and no amount of rest will alleviate that. Forcing herself to do things while she's exhausted will mean she needs to rest even more. Forcing herself to do more things = even more exhaustion. So any suggestion that she forces herself to do things while in pain and exhaustion will cause even more exhaustion.

Add to that the inflammation builds up overnight and is worse upon waking, and for several hours afterwards, meaning you wake up in severe pain and that is only made worse by busily participating in tasks. Getting out of bed alone is a mammoth task.

Add to that our friend chronic insomnia and you really have quite a nasty mix to deal with. Every single day.

If going to bed earlier meant I'd wake up feeling better, I wouldn't be having this conversation. I'd be asleep. Or I could wake up about 2am every morning so the inflammation had abated by 8am - if I was lucky.

I really don't think being seriously unwell with an incurable disease is a good reason to throw children at her, call her pathetic, unappreciative, lazy, a bad mother etc. But here we are.

So, if it's that bad then it can't be great for her partner either I'd assume?

I don't know why so many people on here seem completely unable to even consider that somebody can simultaneously be ill and unappreciative. If things are so bad that she absolutely can't manage then they need to look at getting somebody in or alternatively the husband quits his job and becomes her carer.

@StarsSand the type of fatigue a patient feels won't be anything like exhaustion from lack of sleep or flu. Sleep is unrefreshing so exhaustion remains despite sleep however the extent and ways in which it will effect the body and cognition can vary depending on good / bad days, what's been demanded of the body, other influences and demands etc.

Some people will find that they can identify a rhythm or predict certain consequences of pushing through. Just getting through the day counts as pushing through, too, btw. And the amount and type of activity will have an impact. Causes/triggers/external influences can be immediate and/or accumulative.

So pushing through 2 hours or 2 days or 2 weeks, the patient might maintain some physical or cognitive functionality at a reduced level (if theyre lucky) but add in something as tiny as an extra step or a disturbed nap and they may then crash to such a degree as to be physically disabled/completely incapacitated for weeks.

People living with chronic illnesses and disabilities have to manage exertion down to the tiniest things and plan accordingly. Therefore, even having to, say, walk an extra foot can have a massive impact. They need to maximise rest when it's available and then youre also looking at the type and time of rest, which all have an impact. The body continues to survive under extreme duress, every action has to be broken down to its smallest denominator and planned for.

And of course, every time the body is pushed to its physical limits in order to accommodate something, like, walking downstairs to sit with children while they eat breakfast, it's also being prevented from the rest it needs to heal therefore prolonging the overall illness.

I wouldn't appreciate being deliberately woken up and then having children thrown at me either.

We're already made to feel guilty enough just for existing. There's no need to act like people should be grateful for someone not letting you rest and guilt tripping you because you need to rest.

We don't want to rest. We HAVE to.

Exactly that.

@ComeTheFckOnBridget

I never said she wasn't fatigued? Or that it could be switched off. I'm not diminishing the impact of her disability on her at all.

What I and other posters are saying is that other people have needs as well and she is having trouble seeing them.

If she is debilitated to the extent you are describing then she needs to acknowledge that she isn't a SAHM, she's home due to disability. She isn't able to contribute to the family for significant stretches of time. Her DH isn't just the working parent- he is also a primary carer to two children and the carer for his disabled wife. That's a heavy load and it should be acknowledged by his wife.

Women post on here all the time feeling burnt out and frustrated and unheard due to the weight of caring responsibilities. No one calls them abusive c-words.

Actually this is pissing me off now. I'm sick of the woe is me attitude that seems to be presenting itself here - yes being in pain and fatigued and disabled is shit but it doesn't give you carte Blanche to have the world revolve around you and only you. Honestly, this is so so infuriating as a disabled person to read.

I'm sure this has been really hard on you. Congratulations on being the superior disabled person 🙄