To think DH should apologise for deliberately waking me?

[Somanysocksbutnopairs]

Some background: I am a sahm with an autoimmune condition that makes mornings very difficult for me. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed, often in a lot of pain and unable to move much. Today was a bad one, felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I have a series of alarms on my phone to make sure my two DC are ready on time for school. DH, family and friends walk them round for me (very short walk). DH WFH a couple of times a week.

Which brings me to this morning. DH starts off before my 1st alarm ~7.30 by doing something in the bed he knows disturbs my sleep (not to me tho!). But I'm so tired I'm able to fall back to sleep anyway. He then leaves the curtains open before going to his home office. I ask him to shut them but he ignores me. At this point I'm wondering if he's being a dick today.

First alarm goes at 7.45. I call to kids to make sure they're up, as per usual. DC1(9) comes into my bedroom and is already fully dressed, teeth brushed and all. DC closes the curtains for me and goes off to have breakfast.
Next alarm goes, 8am, for getting dressed. I can hear they're still eating so I go back to sleep.

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process. DC2 is fully dressed, hair done, so I ask DH wtf?! He says I need to be awake and paying attention to them. So I ask him what exactly do DC1 and 2 still need to do? (My 8.10 finish-getting-ready/hair/teeth alarm hasn't even gone yet). Answer: Nothing, but I should be awake.

Couple of mins later he starts loudly playing music. He doesn't usually do this. Again, I suspect it was to prevent me dozing.

The kids aren't always ready like this, some days they need more help/attention than others and I was so grateful to them that they'd chosen today to be little angels and I could rest, but that was ruined by DHs behaviour. So pissed off at him! I had it out with him over lunch and he's refusing to accept he's done anything wrong, other than hurting me with a child and "communicating badly".

Yabu - no parent should be able to sleep in past 7.30am on a school day! Illness is no excuse you lazy lady!! (This was pretty much his argument when refusing to apologise just now)

Yanbu - he's the unreasonable one and should apologise!

I know it's hard on him too, but I'm finding it difficult to understand why that means it's ok to do what he did to me instead of just talking to me about it. I suspect I know what it's really been about though because he mentioned something at dinner he's been wanting me to do and I've not been getting on with because I don't want to be half asleep while I'm trying to sort it.

@Foxglove22 and @Monoplane I'll probably get unfairly accused of only replying to people I agree with again, but thank you ❤️

Yes, my personal take is that a 6y/o having adult supervision is probably more important than light housework.

Your DH would be able to do the light housework faster/much easier, whereas the value of a 6 y/o having adult supervision is measured socially/emotionally rather than in efficiency terms.

I'm wondering if you could use the current laundry time to nap/rest/recharge in advance instead, after helping the kids with mornings? Would that be a possibility you could consider at all?

Thank you for responding - I wish both of you well.

Sorry, for above post, I meant sleep earlier, then get up earlier so you have your nice slow morning / few hours of resting transition time before rising, which you're currently doing anyway. Then recharge/nap to make up for it during what is currently laundry time. Would that be at all possible?

‘did to me’ jesus christ! i have multiple autoimmune diseases and have had multiple organ transplants. I am certainly not ableist but you sound pathetic! Not necessarily about the fatigue but this nonsense about the phone. When you have kids, you get up! That’s it! People are frustrated because some of us have similar if not worse medical histories and would never dream of doing what you do.

also, if you’re as exhausted as you claim, why are you replying on mumsnet at 22:25?

Whoopy shit. Clearly you aren't experiencing the same level of fatigue or you wouldn't be calling people pathetic.

Do you get a little kick out of being rude?

No worries. The attitudes on here are just vile. I'm so sorry ❤️🌺

nope, the dh is putting the parenting responsibilities on the nine year old.

single parents cna cope with raising kids on their own, so can the dh. op is doing all she can with her disability. he was being an arse.

If 'ALL' he's doing is putting some cereal in bowls and it's nothing, you do it.

He's 9, it's not his responsibility to feed his brother. You, your husband or a paid adult helper needs to be doing these things.

Do you have younger kids who are home all day?

Why can't you get up for that 1 hour and then go back to bed?

I say this as someone who has a crushed disc in my back, I set my alarm an hour before kids get up, take painkillers, put on tens machine, stretch. Then get up with them, get ready and go to work. Until I had the tens machine it was almost impossible but now it feels better. You guys need to be able to be responsible for your still very young children.

His work day had started by then, someone has to earn money for the kids and wife! Whether it's changing his work hours, or reshuffling OP's resting schedule or removing some of her housework duties, they both need to talk about it together.

OP's disabled, not dead! It's actually quite rude to talk about OP like she doesn't even exist. She has her full mental faculties so they can talk and come up with something workable together.

@Monoplaneor maybe some people are just more resilient? anyone who describes what he apparently did (not much) this morning as ‘did to me’ is pathetic.

It's not about dressing themselves, it's about being completely without your input.

Do you go back to sleep once they've left for school?

Who does the housework (I hate housework and have struggled massively with my back)

All you need to do is get up, supervise, then go back to bed an hour later.

No, this isn't the case, he's at work, unless he and the op have decided she can't be in charge of the kids in which case they need help from an outside agency of some sort.

Last reply from me for today because I'm in a lot of pain so going to take some painkillers and try to sleep, if my body lets me. Insomnia is indeed a thing for me too, all the fun. It's taken me ages to write replies, I should have quit earlier!

DH would actually be more pissy with me if I didn't get anything done in the day (I know this from experience).

DC6 isn't usually up early and can be a right pain in the morning when the mood takes like any 6 yo, but today was an angel and only needed hair doing so I was fine to doze to alarm 3. DH didn't need to wake me all those times and didn't need to do the hair, I would have. I'm in the house, my door is wide open, does everyone else spend all morning glued to their children? I'm really baffled by the idea I'm somehow not there at all, or that they need someone in the room with them at all times. My house really isn't chaos before school. I didn't expect to get so much unsolicited advice about how to manage my children, they are happy, they are ready for school on time, they get plenty of quality time with me in the afternoon, they don't need me to dress them or supervise breakfast and I'm happy not to have to because I can do more to keep on top of things during the day, for DH.

My MIL was almost bedridden due to rheumatoid athertis for a year when DH and SIL were younger. Even now many years later she has bad days when she can barely move.
My FIL never dumped either child on her. He actually did have to do everything and work. Luckily they also had both sets of grandparents round to help. This was in the 80s when there was little understanding of her illness. Looks like attitudes haven't changed much.
The OP doesn't say she never gets up, just that some days she can't. If she can't get up what is she supposed to do?
The comment about 9 year old having parental responsibility is just plain silly. He's getting a bowl of cereal for his sibling, not looking after him 24/7!

I think it's important to actually recognise the impact this likely has on the husband as the sole breadwinner also doing a significant share of the parenting whilst having to adhere to strict rules in his own house around things others wouldn't give a moment's thought (checking phone etc). Should he so much as show a moment's frustration then he's the bad guy and has to apologise.

There seems to almost be a view that due to OP's disability he has to just suck it up, but really he doesn't. It's a choice. The guy has his own life too and it sounds pretty miserable tbh. Of course, you'd expect him to show some empathy for his wife's condition but where's the empathy for him?

He must love his family a lot because there are plenty of other women out there who wouldn't take him for granted and who would make an equal financial contribution without enforcing all the rules and demanding apologies etc.

I'm in the house, my door is wide open, does everyone else spend all morning glued to their children?

@Somanysocksbutnopairs as gently as possible - it really sounds like someone needs to be supervising them in the morning. You, your DH or another adult. The impression I get is that you think you're managing them - but you're sleeping - so you're unaware of how much they're going to your DH who needs be working. As your partner, I would find that even more stressful than if the role was "officially" allocated to me.

DH would actually be more pissy with me if I didn't get anything done in the day (I know this from experience)
Then this is unacceptable, which goes back to point one of it sounds like you really need some extra help. Would you be able to pay someone to help in the mornings? Or could they go to a local parent? Any relatives who could help out at all?

I really hope you find a way to reduce this stress on yourself

Does your DH know about your 3 alarm system (and what each alarm is for)?

I guess we just fundamentally disagree... To me even if your door is open, sleeping is a clear sign you're not there.

As mentioned earlier I also had a mother who was perpetually sleeping in bed (not sure if in our more advanced times she might be diagnosed with depression, chronic illness, etc), hence my interest here.

She would also randomly shout scattered commands then fall back asleep or, hallelujah, come help on a v inconsistent basis. She definitely was convinced she was parenting... But based on my own experiences, I really don't think that's the best environment for a 6y/o. I do appreciate we disagree on that point though.

Anyway it sounds like your DH does think the 6 year old needs supervision from an adult who's not asleep. So maybe a talk about differences in parenting beliefs, and possible compromises / changes in either side's schedule, would be helpful? Last post, promise.

It can be very difficult to raise issues with people who are very ill. On one hand you love them and care for them and know they can't help their condition. On the other there can be a part of you that's screaming inside at the sheer frustration of the restrictions on both of you. If you talk to them you know you're adding to their difficulties and you don't want to upset them.
After all, when is the right time? When they're very ill its the last thing they need. When they're well, frankly thats like your birthday come early, and you don't want to ruin it.
So you end up bottling it up and ploughing on until every now and then it's like a pressure cooker and you act in a way you shouldn't.
If you want him to talk to you, take the lead in a non confrontational way. Ask him was he OK this morning. You'll get more honesty and less defensiveness that way.

And you're incredibly rude. Please don't address your nasty comments to me in future. I'm not interested in seeing how badly you can behave.

@Griefgood

of course they would, sock puppeting is not allowed. Just report any of my posts and tell them that you think I'm the OP sock puppeting and they'll assure you I'm not.

I don't know why people have this tremendous difficulty with empathy, but it's one completely clueless response after another. I've seen some pile ons in my time, but this really takes the biscuit.

Can everyone who thinks they have the magic cure please contact the hospital and let them know? Because the professionals don't seem to know this magic solution of just trying harder to not be ill.