To think DH should apologise for deliberately waking me?

[Somanysocksbutnopairs]

Some background: I am a sahm with an autoimmune condition that makes mornings very difficult for me. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed, often in a lot of pain and unable to move much. Today was a bad one, felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I have a series of alarms on my phone to make sure my two DC are ready on time for school. DH, family and friends walk them round for me (very short walk). DH WFH a couple of times a week.

Which brings me to this morning. DH starts off before my 1st alarm ~7.30 by doing something in the bed he knows disturbs my sleep (not to me tho!). But I'm so tired I'm able to fall back to sleep anyway. He then leaves the curtains open before going to his home office. I ask him to shut them but he ignores me. At this point I'm wondering if he's being a dick today.

First alarm goes at 7.45. I call to kids to make sure they're up, as per usual. DC1(9) comes into my bedroom and is already fully dressed, teeth brushed and all. DC closes the curtains for me and goes off to have breakfast.
Next alarm goes, 8am, for getting dressed. I can hear they're still eating so I go back to sleep.

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process. DC2 is fully dressed, hair done, so I ask DH wtf?! He says I need to be awake and paying attention to them. So I ask him what exactly do DC1 and 2 still need to do? (My 8.10 finish-getting-ready/hair/teeth alarm hasn't even gone yet). Answer: Nothing, but I should be awake.

Couple of mins later he starts loudly playing music. He doesn't usually do this. Again, I suspect it was to prevent me dozing.

The kids aren't always ready like this, some days they need more help/attention than others and I was so grateful to them that they'd chosen today to be little angels and I could rest, but that was ruined by DHs behaviour. So pissed off at him! I had it out with him over lunch and he's refusing to accept he's done anything wrong, other than hurting me with a child and "communicating badly".

Yabu - no parent should be able to sleep in past 7.30am on a school day! Illness is no excuse you lazy lady!! (This was pretty much his argument when refusing to apologise just now)

Yanbu - he's the unreasonable one and should apologise!

I'm not even getting involved with arguing any more about this, because its making me feel sick.

You wouldn't be encouraging someone with a broken leg to walk on it. But somehow when it's chronic pain and exhaustion, it's fine to make disgusting insinuations about them not being bothered to look after their children etc.

I'm not saying anything else, apart from that nasty comments are MASSIVELY offensive and uncalled for.

🤮🤮

Yes and you did say it much more kindly and eloquently.

I was more brutal because it worried me that the OP would convince herself that she is right, should be treated with kid gloves and just not appreciate what her husband does for her.

As she was going to talk to him tonight, looking for an apology, it was a concern that she would be riled up by the posters who are calling her husband an abusive cunt and, on the back of that that, tell him to go.

I don't think it will work though as she takes top spot in her house and must not be disturbed by anything.

She will sit there tonight-bottom lip jutting out while he apologises and tomorrow he just might buy a one way ticket to South Africa and begin again, leaving the OP with no-one to bark orders to except her unfortunate 9 year old, who will one day buy her own one way ticket if OP doesn't learn how to appreciate those who try to make life easier for her.

A really incredible thread. OP you need to start being a bit nicer to your husband and making at least something in the relationship about him, because it sounds like he's at the end of his tether and that his life would improve immeasurably if he left.

Sounds like he is resentful ?
The older one should not have to step into the parents shoes and have to care for her younger sibling and herself.Can you cope ok after school?
You might be able to get someone in regularly in the mornings to get your family into a nice routine to give yourself a chance to feel half ok before facing everything.🌈
Hope you find a good answer to this op it must be so hard.

Ok, I'm back now the kids are in bed. Read through and will try to address a few things that keep coming up. I'm also in bed, DH is at the pub. This is my usual Thursday evening, kids in bed, me resting in bed, DH out having fun, getting a break from it all. I do appreciate everything he does for the family and I do tell him. I don't know why he was irritated with me this morning. I'll talk to him about it tomorrow probably.

The reason I mentioned the phone was that I realised he'd properly been doing it to wake me, but it hadn't worked - I didn't say a word to him about it either. I hadn't wanted to get into the whole phone business here because it's a weird subconscious thing, it's not the noise, or the light, it's just that every time he's fiddling with it for a while I wake up. The point was that he was annoyed that I was sleeping before my alarm had even gone off, didn't seem very fair to me.

Thank you to everyone who has helped to explain what having autoimmune conditions/arthritis is like. The fatigue is hard to comprehend if you've never experienced it, that's for sure!

The get up earlier/get more sleep crowd - it doesn't make a difference how much sleep I get, the issue is my body has been attacking itself all night. If I'm up earlier, I'll run out of energy before I've got the kids in bed. By 8pm, I'm done. I spend the evening resting from the afternoon.

The omg think of the poor children lot - firstly, this isn't every morning, it was a particularly bad morning. DH was around but he didn't need to be doing anything, I'd have done things at the time I usually do them. My issue was him trying to cajole me to be ready earlier, for no reason as everything was already done.
My DC2 asked DH to do hair instead of me, just before the throwing incident, probably because DC knew I was having trouble today and is very empathetic. We live on one floor, no stairs, it's not a mansion and I can hear everything. I'm usually slow but in emergencies adrenaline kicks in to get my body going, I just hurt like hell afterwards.
I don't yell, scream or all of the other crazy words people have been using, I call out to them: "are you up?" (they can hear the alarm too) and get a yes or no back from bedrooms next to mine. As I said, DC1 came in to show me was already dressed, because was proud of it. I'm there if they need me and sometimes they want to come and chat, have a cuddle, sometimes they want to get ready early like today and play for a bit with their toys.
They get me to themselves for 3 full hours after school, all day on holidays, and I read with each of them before bed. I know everything they did at school today (in excruciating detail), as I do every day. No, I can't do the physical stuff but I am there for them and they know it, they're fantastic kids doing brilliantly in school, but yes, they sort their own breakfast and dress themselves... I'm still not sure why that's such a big deal. Primary school kids should be able to change themselves for pe after all. I still organise and manage all the kid/school stuff, if that counts for anything.

Posted previously- nope, first time on aibu and wow, baptism of fire!

Think that was everything... feel like it's turning into an AMA here!

I know the OP isn't coming back, but I wonder had she explained to her husband that she was having a particularly bad day?
It sounds from what she has written that she as no empathy for the effect her condition has on others.

Obviously her condition is terrible for her, but it impacts the entire family and as 1 of the adults in the house she needs to address that and communicate with her partner to work out exactly what each is feeling.

OP, you don't talk very kindly about your husband.

I know you've just said that you appreciate all he does, but before that you'd had a little jab about how he was out, having fun and a break from it all. Why shouldn't he be?

I know you've said that if you get up earlier you'll be worn out earlier in the evening, but is there a reason you can't get up and overlook what children's mornings and then go back to bed once they have left for school?

Can you sleep in sepárate rooms or use a sleep mask so he can at least use his phone as he likes while he awakens?

The get up earlier/get more sleep crowd - it doesn't make a difference how much sleep I get, the issue is my body has been attacking itself all night. If I'm up earlier, I'll run out of energy before I've got the kids in bed. By 8pm, I'm done. I spend the evening resting from the afternoon.

@Somanysocksbutnopairs it's your life and your routine, but ignoring all the DH stuff, it seems like a terrible way to start your day, let alone for anyone with chronic illness.

From the moment you wake you're plunged into stress - alarm every 15 mins, having to remember to call out to kids, listen for replies. Shout again if you don't get a response. Drifting back into REM sleep then ripped out of it again. Surely you're setting yourself up terribly for the rest of the day?

Could you try getting up earlier, allowing yourself peace and calm to begin your day just to see how it feels? And then going for a proper sleep once the kids have left and DH is at work to make up for it.

I just think if you described this morning routine to anyone - GP, psychologist, pain specialist, OT, they'd all say it's not ideal for your health.

@Somanysocksbutnopairs I wonder if you guys have had any counselling?
Your condition has drastically disimproved, it sounds like, after the kids were born. That's alot for a relationship to deal with, kids, illness, at a guess the loss of the future you both thought you'd have. That's hard on you both. And hard on the relationship itself.
I notice the language you use in terms of communicating with your husband- him trying to cajole you, you making a decision to talk about it. Rather than you communicating early that you were feeling worse than normal and needing more consideration than normal.

I'm not saying he shouldn't be, I was the one who encouraged him to get involved in what's he's out doing in the first place. If I sound irritated I'm sorry, I'm exhausted and trying to answer a lot of very attacking posts all in one go.
My DH is brilliant at a lot of stuff, I love him dearly, but he's not a saint and never has been, and neither am I, we're both human and we do know it. We've been together for nearly 20 years now!
My aibu was focused around the fact that I felt he was giving me shit before I was even awake this morning, when I could really do without!

Oh, so it’s one of those AIBUs where you’ve already made your mind up that you weren’t being unreasonable? What a waste of everyone’s time.

@minksss the alarm thing is so I don't accidentally fall back into a deep sleep, I'm so exhausted that every bit of me is screaming to go back to sleep, but I set the alarms so I can't and instead I'll feel more awake with each one. They're fairly gentle phone alarms, not a mad siren. It works for me on my worst days, on good days when I'm fully awake and/or up it's good for keeping track of the time. Works for me anyway.
I've been managing my time and my condition for years now, don't always get it right but I know what I can and can't do, when I can do more, when I need to rest.

@Toffeeappler not really, but I've really had my eyes opened as to how people perceive chronic illness, or not. I guess I was stupidly a little curious to see if the general public were more or less sympathetic than my DH was this morning...!

Sorry OP if I'm missing something, but I'm still confused by this.

You say you're able to rise from bed in the afternoon to do light housework. So it's the few hours of transition time after waking that you need.

I know you said you have to start resting at 8pm, but it sounds like you go to bed at about midnight. Do you need that many hours unwinding / resting time, before just going to sleep? I know everyone needs leisure time, but would cutting your pre-bedtime resting time by even half an hour to 1 hour make a difference? Since you're going to go right to sleep after resting anyway.

I apologise if I sound ableist, but it honestly just sounds like you don't want to go to bed earlier. And that you simply don't think being physically up or around is important for your DC in the morning.

I was very much left to my own devices starting from even before kindergarten (mum shouting scattered commands here and there). Based on my own experiences, I think it's important to let kids know you're there and not just snoozing, even if it's just from you sitting up in bed, or sitting in a chair in the living room.

No, they're not at all sympathetic.

I absolutely understand what you are talking with the waking up feeling like you've been hit by a train every single morning (regardless of how much or little sleep you've had).

If I want to do something simple, I have to drink cans of Monster, which I keep in the fridge for any time I need to go somewhere. It can sometimes take steroids, codeine, excessive amounts of caffeine and sugar etc just to be able to leave the house and go on a short car journey. And then I'm absolutely wiped out afterwards. My whole body hurts like I've been in a punch up just from going for a walk.

Honestly, if anyone thinks I would choose to live like this because I get to stay in bed a bit longer, they're absolutely off their heads. It's a living nightmare.

I'm so sorry you had to read all of these horrible responses 🌺🌺

Yeah some of the replies on here are really something. Its been a great reminder as to how little idea people have as to what the reality of dealing with this stuff is like day to day which is helpful and reinforces why I'm so shady about what my day to day experience is with most people.

The bit I was referencing was this: "I'll have a slow morning mostly resting in bed, eat something, have a shower and dress by 11, rest a bit after that, then usually after lunch I'll finally be up to doing some light stuff about the house"

Wouldn't it be nicer to go to sleep earlier and wake up earlier, and have those few nice quiet slow transition hours anyway, before the family morning chaos?

I imagine especially with a chronic condition, the chaos and stress of waking up to work and school prep must not be very nice anyway.

I don't think a lot of us are being unsympathetic, we just genuinely can't understand how leaving your young children unattended in the morning whilst the op sets herself up for the day can be seen as ok.

If there is no way round it for the op (earlier wake up for meds and then straight back to bed once the kids have gone) then perhaps a work schedule change for her partner, or hired help for the mornings.

It would not be seen as appropriate if this was an able bodied mothers routine.

So your take on all the people sympathising but also saying your husband is struggling too and perhaps you could acknowledge that, is to assume we’re all having a go at people with disabilities?

really?

I'm sorry that so few people seem to have any understanding or empathy when it comes to chronic illness. When you have such an illness, you have to relearn how your body works, and you have to listen to it at all times, because if you push yourself too hard, the consequences could be dire, and then you would be struggling even more to look after your children. It's a constant balancing act. You seem to be doing a grand job - mornings can be absolutely horrendous and no amount of wishing that you could get up will magically make that happen. It's like going back 30 years or more reading some of the comments here - back to when people called ME 'yuppy flu' and thought people who suffered from it were just being lazy and didn't push themselves enough. It makes me really sad. Most people with chronic illnesses would do anything to be able to jump out of bed every morning, but they often suffer from chronic insomnia due to pain and sleep has no effect. It doesn't seem that your husband has to do more than a partner would in normal circumstances, which makes his behaviour this morning seem very petty and childish. Well done for getting up every day whatever time it is - your children are very lucky to have a loving and caring mother, and they will grow up to be empathetic towards others hopefully due to your condition.

Am incredibly sympathetic @Somanysocksbutnopairs , but I think you need to acknowledge the set up isn't working for your DH.

For whatever reason he seems to disagree - maybe the kids are going to him for attention or help when he needs to be getting ready for work or is working. And therefore it's stressful for him, especially not knowing whether you are actually awake and dealing with it or not.

This DOES NOT mean you should have to get up but maybe you need to consider formalising the fact you're not around in the mornings. This would mean you can sleep undisturbed and everyone knows where they stand.

Of course he was U to get annoyed, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be working out ways to try and compromise on this.

@Allgreen it's almost impossible to explain if you haven't experienced it. I have a limited amount of active time a day, I could spend it earlier in the day, but then I'd be in bed resting earlier in the evening. If I wake at 6, I'll be needing to go lie down for the evening at 6pm. When I've been even worse, I've had to nap in the afternoon or fallen asleep just before dinner, despite getting up relatively late. It's not "tired", it's fatigue, I'm not sleeping in because I fancy a bit more sleep, it's because I'm worn out from what my immune system was busy doing to me while I was sleeping.

I have disabilities and a lot of these replies are incredibly offensive.

You can't just try harder or make extra time to sleep in so you'll feel ok. We don't ever feel ok. Ever. It's like having flu fatigue, every single day.

If I ever do wake up and feel alright by some miracle, it will literally be news. I'll text a friend to say oh I woke up feeling ok today. It happens once in a blue moon. And no, I didn't do anything different. I just didn't get massive amounts of cytokenes going off through my body that night for unknown reasons.

Could you chat your DH about what works best for both of you?

Maybe getting up earlier and then napping for four hours in the day to make up for it is a better schedule for you and the family, if it's something you can manage.

I would be wanting to discuss whether it's better for you to have more active time with the kids (and then not doing the chores you mentioned in the day and taking time to rest).