To think DH should apologise for deliberately waking me?

[Somanysocksbutnopairs]

Some background: I am a sahm with an autoimmune condition that makes mornings very difficult for me. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed, often in a lot of pain and unable to move much. Today was a bad one, felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I have a series of alarms on my phone to make sure my two DC are ready on time for school. DH, family and friends walk them round for me (very short walk). DH WFH a couple of times a week.

Which brings me to this morning. DH starts off before my 1st alarm ~7.30 by doing something in the bed he knows disturbs my sleep (not to me tho!). But I'm so tired I'm able to fall back to sleep anyway. He then leaves the curtains open before going to his home office. I ask him to shut them but he ignores me. At this point I'm wondering if he's being a dick today.

First alarm goes at 7.45. I call to kids to make sure they're up, as per usual. DC1(9) comes into my bedroom and is already fully dressed, teeth brushed and all. DC closes the curtains for me and goes off to have breakfast.
Next alarm goes, 8am, for getting dressed. I can hear they're still eating so I go back to sleep.

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process. DC2 is fully dressed, hair done, so I ask DH wtf?! He says I need to be awake and paying attention to them. So I ask him what exactly do DC1 and 2 still need to do? (My 8.10 finish-getting-ready/hair/teeth alarm hasn't even gone yet). Answer: Nothing, but I should be awake.

Couple of mins later he starts loudly playing music. He doesn't usually do this. Again, I suspect it was to prevent me dozing.

The kids aren't always ready like this, some days they need more help/attention than others and I was so grateful to them that they'd chosen today to be little angels and I could rest, but that was ruined by DHs behaviour. So pissed off at him! I had it out with him over lunch and he's refusing to accept he's done anything wrong, other than hurting me with a child and "communicating badly".

Yabu - no parent should be able to sleep in past 7.30am on a school day! Illness is no excuse you lazy lady!! (This was pretty much his argument when refusing to apologise just now)

Yanbu - he's the unreasonable one and should apologise!

The children had it under control, not the OP

She doesn't have it under control, she doesn't DO anything to have it under control, she doesn't go in and wake her kids but roars at them from her bed and goes back to sleep. A 9 year old has to get herself up, get her six year old sister up, get them both dressed, washed, teeth brushed. Go downstairs to an empty kitchen, make breakfast without spilling it or splashing on uniforms, get ( I really hope a prepacked lunch that OH has prepared the night before) and put it in both bags, get coats on and get the woman up the road to bring them the very short walk to school.

Not old enough to do this very short walk but old enough to do all the above while their mother gives orders and hits the snooze button.

The 9 year old has it under control because they have no bloody choice.

If you think that is ok there is something wrong with you.

He sounds as if he getting to the end of his tether.
Tread carefully because you'll be up Shit Creek with no paddle if he packs his bag and goes.

Not expecting a nine year old to provide all the adult supervision and care of an adult for their six year old sibling is not mollycoddling.
So much so, that the school should be informed as young carers are a safeguarding concern.

You could equally say the OP didn’t DO anything, other than hand over to her 9YO.

It almost doesn’t sound like the kids need either parent (I’m being facetious).

Yes, I’m with you there. My DH has had to take on the lion’s share of the parenting since I developed Long Covid 3 years ago. For the first 6 months, he had to do virtually everything, through lockdown with the girls at home. It proved too much and he had to take 2 months off work with stress.

I’m doing a lot better, though nothing like I used to be. And the girls are that much older (soon to be 14 and 11) and need less supervision.

But we both realised that he had to be realistic in how much he could cope with, and he’s gone down to 4 days a week. (He’s taken out his work pension.)

I agree that the OP’s DH behaviour this morning was uncalled for, but I suspect he’s at the end of his tether. My DH became uncharacteristically quick tempered when he was suffering with stress. Maybe it’s becoming too much for the OP’s DH, too?

@WinterMusings in your determination to prove the DH is in your words a cunt you are very conveniently ignoring everything else the DH does, sole responsibility for income, a couple of school runs, the cooking, most of the housework and bath time. The OP collects the kids from school, gives them a snack and sometimes some light house work and laundry. Occasionally helps with dinner if she can.

Thats an awful lot of 'what does he actually do apart from.make things worse'

Absolutely.
OP would be in a real mess if her marriage breaks down.
She needs to consider everyone else in the house, not just herself.

100% this, and the OP managed to go back to sleep whilst her OH was looking at his phone anyway.

That’s exactly what I’ve been ‘very gently’ trying to say.

@WinterMusings you honestly think that leaving a 9 year old and a 6 year old to set mornings out completely alone, is having things under control?

You honestly think that OP would be better off alone?

I mean this is a man that she's irritated with because he looks at his phone in bed!! Dear god!

And I think the DH is far from a cunt!

Fucking HELL. People with arthritis are SELFISH?

You CAN'T try harder. I got forced to get shopping from the supermarket yesterday because my delivery was cancelled late last night.

I'm now taking morphine today because I'm in so much pain. You CAN'T just do more. That makes you EVEN LESS capable of doing anything.

Do you understand that? I'm not lazy. Are your hands red raw from briefly carrying shopping? Do your elbows feel like something is stabbing them with needles just because you pushed a shopping trolley? What's your magic solution to that? Should I keep going until I'm in the hospital with the pain because even morphine won't touch it? Until I'm in bed for a week with sheer exhaustion to the point I can't even brush my teeth??

Jesus your post is just 🤮🤮🤮

@Monoplane having arthritis does not mean you can't be selfish, the two are not mutually exclusive.

@Monoplane I don't think anyone is saying OP needs to do more if she physically can't.

It's about finding a morning routine that works for both of them. If she needs to sleep til 11 that's completely understandable, but it needs to be formalised.

Beyond anything else I can't see how it's any good for her health to be woken repeatedly by alarms and having to shout and listen for answers whilst trying to fall back asleep. If that's your first experience on waking every day I can only imagine the cortisol trajectory it sets you up for.

I'm also chronically ill and it sounds like a nightmare - getting up calmly, quietly, taking time for meds to kick in while having a cup of tea etc keeps me sane.

He has an eating disorder so isn’t allowed to make any food or even help out in the kitchen.

Fwiw @Monoplane I have severe arthritis. Have ended up in hospital before and I know how awful it is.

I still get myself up every morning (even after pretty much no sleep often) and see the kids to school. It's not because I don't find it extremely difficult and painful it's because I put the kids first and also because I am lucky that I can rest after they leave.

@WinterMusings pretty sure you are OP and have just created a separate account. The way you are going on and refusing to hear what anyone is saying seems odd

I think you have misunderstood the poster you quoted. Selfish means thinking only of oneself, lacking consideration for others. It doesn’t mean being lazy and that is not what previous poster said.

And actually OP does sound extremely selfish as she appears to have no consideration for her husband. She lies in bed with her alarm clocks, shouting orders, but he is not allowed to look at his fucking phone. Because it is all about her, her needs, her preferences. And then, with him already shouldering the majority of the burden in this household, she wants an apology because her slumber was interrupted. Absolutely selfish, people with health conditions can be selfish, I would not be at all surprised if he decides he has had enough,

*people with health conditions can be selfish

By that, I meant, that a health condition and being selfish are not mutually exclusive.

Exactly what I said a few posts back...

I'm not.

Feel Free to ask MN if you don't believe me.

As you should have done instead of accusing me of being a sock puppet just because you disagree.

@WinterMusings would MN answer that then?

I could swear I read this on here last year.

I never forget a face.

So you did. 😊