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Original poster

What's a normal amount of shouting?

135 replies

WhatALlama2 · 02/03/2023 08:39

How much shouting is normal in a relationship?

I've been with DH for nearly 10 years and he can have a bad temper where I seem to take the brunt. This morning for example he sent me a link to a delivery he had coming and I rang him and said I won't be here as I'm out for breakfast and immediately he started shouting and f-ing and blinding at me until I put the phone down. The thing is it doesn't happen very often, maybe 2 times a year for something serious (like he once threw a chair across the room and another time threw a plate which chipped the TV and he had to buy a new one), so in between I forget about it until something happens again and then I think God I shouldn't be having to walk on eggshells surely?

My parents are both very chilled and I've never even heard them have an argument so I sometimes wonder if this clouds my judgement
and that actually a bit of shouting is quite normal.

Besides the occasional temper tantrum we get on fine, have a nice house, lovely DS, nice holidays etc so I know if I was to leave it would be giving up a nice easy life to go to a life of, not struggle, but definitely not the lifestyle I'm used to.

OP posts:
screamingj · 02/03/2023 08:40

None, is a normal amount

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/03/2023 08:41

None

Bekindbekind · 02/03/2023 08:43

Throwing stuff 2x a year is basically a violent relationship OP (I am not making light of domestic violence, obviously there are degrees, but this is what it is.)

In the situation you describe I’m aghast. I’m sorry to say that it’s really not normal.

Blinkingheckythump · 02/03/2023 08:43

I don't agree with pp that none is normal, that's disneyesq imo. But fing and blinding because you won't be in for his delivery isn't normal, normal would be a bit of shouting together in an actual argument not just you not being where he wants you to be when he says last minute. Throwing things isn't normal at all and a huge big no

Stompythedinosaur · 02/03/2023 08:46

It is not normal to be shouted at by your partner ever.

Your choices aren't only "put up with verbal abuse" or "leave". You could try improving the relationship, and talking about it, maybe couple therapy? If your dp loves you, he will presumably try to change. If he doesn't love you, then shouting is not the only problem.

Xrays · 02/03/2023 08:49

Someone swearing at someone over a delivery is unhinged. 😳 Thats actually quite abusive.

dh and I have been together 15 years. We’ve had a fair few rows but I think we’ve shouted at each other maybe twice in all that time. I hate shouting- my mum and dad shouted a lot - and won’t tolerate it generally.

dumbstruckdumptruck · 02/03/2023 08:54

'Normal' isn't the point – you don't like it and it's not necessary.

He needs to address his anger issues – and if he's not willing to do that based on the fact that it's affecting the person he loves, then that's a relationship problem.

It's not the shouting, it's the lack of respect.

FrancescaContini · 02/03/2023 08:57

None or bare minimum. Your poor children. You think you have a “nice lifestyle” - really?

3WildOnes · 02/03/2023 08:57

We have never shouted at each other.

MrsElm · 02/03/2023 08:57

Are you finding yourself walking on eggshells often? Are you constantly managing interactions to minimise further shouting? If you stood up for yourself more, how would he react?

FiddleLeaf · 02/03/2023 08:59

None, sorry.

butterfliedtwo · 02/03/2023 09:00

No amount is normal. None of the that is normal. He'll have to go out and collect his delivery. Don't put up with being treated this way.

He needs some anger management or something. Imagine thinking it's okay to throw furniture because you're not getting your way! He could try acting like an adult.

Dinkleberg · 02/03/2023 09:00

None. I've been with DH 10 years and we've never shouted at each other.

Justalittlebitduckling · 02/03/2023 09:02

Swearing at you like that for not being available at his convenience is completely unreasonable.

”Normal” shouting if you’re from a confrontational/shouty culture or family is both sides yelling at each other equally, having a blazing row to clear the air and moving on. One person shouting and swearing at the other for small things is emotional abuse.

DanseAvecLesLoup · 02/03/2023 09:02

Blinkingheckythump · 02/03/2023 08:43

I don't agree with pp that none is normal, that's disneyesq imo. But fing and blinding because you won't be in for his delivery isn't normal, normal would be a bit of shouting together in an actual argument not just you not being where he wants you to be when he says last minute. Throwing things isn't normal at all and a huge big no

"Disneyesq"

It is perfectly normal to have disagreements with your partner without shouting let alone throwing stuff about.

Dinkleberg · 02/03/2023 09:06

Blinkingheckythump · 02/03/2023 08:43

I don't agree with pp that none is normal, that's disneyesq imo. But fing and blinding because you won't be in for his delivery isn't normal, normal would be a bit of shouting together in an actual argument not just you not being where he wants you to be when he says last minute. Throwing things isn't normal at all and a huge big no

Disney-esq? I can say DH and I have never shouted at each other in 10 years. That's not to say we've never argued, disagreed, or been cross at each other. Of course we have. But bellowing at each other is not normal nor healthy IMO. Would you scream at a colleague if you disagreed with them?

Vlunken · 02/03/2023 09:07

I think dh has raised his voice to me once in 30 years. He's never thrown anything. I have shouted at him in the past although not often and once threw the sandwich toaster into the garden in anger - I was struggling with my MH and got help for it.

Ketchupwee · 02/03/2023 09:08

None. I don't shout at my husband and he doesn't shout at me, because we aren't two years old and it is not acceptable to have a tantrum

5foot5 · 02/03/2023 09:08

I think the amount of actual shouting can vary and still be OK.

DH and I are like your parents, we neither of us do shouting. We never row as such but there is the occasional bicker or sharp exchange of words. Nothing very heated and certainly noone listing control. That is normal for us.

My mum was a shouter and she and my Dad had the occasional row. But on the whole I think they were happy and that was normal for them.

But throwing things in a temper, F-ing and blinding at someone because they are not at your beck and call, not OK.

I hear what you say about not wanting to give up an otherwise OK life but you shouldn't really leave this unaddressed. Can you choose a moment when all is good to bring this up? Is there still such a thing as anger management training?

If he is not willing to accept he has a problem and try to address it then you have to think of the future. How will you feel if one day this temper is more directly aimed at you? Or your son?

waywardkitten · 02/03/2023 09:08

Throwing stuff around or swearing because you're not in to receive HIS delivery is NOT normal.

But for those saying they never shout - personally I'd argue that raised voices and occasional shouting are quite normal - it certainly is for us, and the families that I've spent a lot of time with. It's something I had to get my head around as I grew up as an only child raised by a quiet single mother....but four children and a loud husband later, I'd be lying if I said there was no shouting in our house!

Ketchupwee · 02/03/2023 09:10

And don't get me wrong, we certainly do argue but it just doesn't involve shouting (or swearing) at each other

Suzi888 · 02/03/2023 09:11

FiddleLeaf · 02/03/2023 08:59

None, sorry.

Oh come on.

No one here raises their voice when they argue … sure.

However shouting over a missed delivery he hasn’t told you about, swearing etc does sound unhinged though! I would hate throwing too. DH threw a cup once, only once and he had to clean it all up and buy a new set. I pointed out it’s a sign of great weakness not being able to control your anger.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 02/03/2023 09:11

None is the normal amount, I've been with my dh and he's never shouted at me like that. We've had cross words and arguments, and maybe we'll raise our voices slightly, but never a shout or loss of temper as you describe

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 02/03/2023 09:12

15 years and DP has never heard me shout. I've heard her shout once, when DD was about to run into a road.

Bigpinktrain · 02/03/2023 09:14

People communicate differently and I accept that some people can shout without it being aggressive.

However intimidation and violence is never acceptable and I think I would have left after the chair throwing incident.

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