What's a normal amount of shouting?

[WhatALlama2]

How much shouting is normal in a relationship?

I've been with DH for nearly 10 years and he can have a bad temper where I seem to take the brunt. This morning for example he sent me a link to a delivery he had coming and I rang him and said I won't be here as I'm out for breakfast and immediately he started shouting and f-ing and blinding at me until I put the phone down. The thing is it doesn't happen very often, maybe 2 times a year for something serious (like he once threw a chair across the room and another time threw a plate which chipped the TV and he had to buy a new one), so in between I forget about it until something happens again and then I think God I shouldn't be having to walk on eggshells surely?

My parents are both very chilled and I've never even heard them have an argument so I sometimes wonder if this clouds my judgement
and that actually a bit of shouting is quite normal.

Besides the occasional temper tantrum we get on fine, have a nice house, lovely DS, nice holidays etc so I know if I was to leave it would be giving up a nice easy life to go to a life of, not struggle, but definitely not the lifestyle I'm used to.

I'm the shouter, my DP never does. It's just different personalities. I was raised by a single mum and she was a shouter, so I guess I learned it that way. However I would only shout when really upset and angry, not over a missed delivery! Having said all that, I haven't shouted in quite a long while. My DP and I have been together about 27 yrs now.

That sounds abusive.

But I don't agree that no shouting is normal. Not that Dh and I do much, rarely have an argument, but I don't think a small amount of shouting is that bad.

Thank you all, glad to see I'm not being unreasonable in expecting to be spoken to with respect. I'll definitely need to sit down with him and have a conversation - I must admit we've had a number of these over the years and it still happens but maybe I need to make him see that I'm really serious.
The thing that worries me the most is our little boy, DH doesn't tend to shout if he's around but it does occasionally happen and I don't want him growing up thinking that's normal and acceptable behaviour.

Been with DH 20 years and can count the number of times we've shouted at each other on one hand, but they were situations where things were getting heated for one stressful reason or another and peaked before we managed to de-escalate.
Neither of us have ever shouted out of the blue for virtually no reason. I don't think I could respect someone who had such a hair trigger temper.

I've been with my husband for 10 years too, also got 1 young son.

In that time we have never shouted at each other or sworn at one another. I gave my circumstances as it sounds like we have fairly similar lives. Your relationship shouldn't have these moments. Cross words, snapping, tiredness, impatience, of course all these things happen but I don't think anyone should be shouted at, or sworn at, in normal everyday circumstances.

Have you spoken to him about it?

None is normal

Raised voices during a heated argument are not ideal, but not necessarily abusive. Shouting that is entirely one-sided, or is intended to intimidate, is abusive, as is symbolic violence (throwing things) and expecting your partner to be your house slave 24/7.

None is normal. I grew up in a shouting household and swore I would never to it to my kids. I abide by that until I have a child purposely ignoring me when asked to do chores or get shoes on or take pyjamas off or put phones down and then the voice gets raised and lo and behold they do it (no need for parenting tips and advice on this, thanks)

I don't think anyone can say what is 'normal', it depends on the personalities you have, age, time in relationship etc. Myself and DH are in our late 30s/early 40s now, and we used to have blinding rows in our early 20s and, for a time, were in a very unhealthy place with our conflict. These days we talk more and, when we find ourselves getting heated with each other, it's easier to calm down. I think the question to ask yourself (and him) is- if I am loved by this person, why are they finding it acceptable to treat me this way? Do they react this way with their family and friends, or is this something they do to me?
This may be something you need to talk to a counsellor about (or it may be a line in the sand and you realise the relationship is not good for you. However, your DH needs to understand that his behaviour towards you is aggressive, frightening and unacceptable. Conflict is normal, fear is not.

I think we’ve had a shouting row once?! And both quickly realised we were being unreasonable!
Throwing things is abusive and no amount of nice holidays wouldn’t me keep children in that environment

There is no shouting in my relationship and that’s not ‘disneyesque’, just that we can disagree with each other without shouting. I don’t shout at my children either. What’s the point? Saying things louder doesn’t make it more impactful. Anyone who says they shout in the heat of the moment etc, I’d ask whether they shout at people at work or can they manage to control it in that environment?
Shouting at someone because they won’t be in for a delivery that they’ve only just been told about is abusive. As is throwing things, even if they’re not aimed at the person.

Only time I’d find shouting acceptable is if in an emergency to keep someone safe. Sounds stressful op & you don’t have to accept this.

Zero shouting is the normal amount. There is no reasonable justification for one adult shouting at another…

None, anything more is problematic.

Not sure why not shouting at each other during disagreements/arguments is seen as such as alien concept by some on here. I have been in relationships in the past with self confessed 'shouters', I hated it, to them it was not a big deal and instantly forgotten, for me I used to loathe having someone who supposedly respected me scream at me because they are frustrated over something. I also dislike the whole 'I'm a shouter, that is just the way I am' school of thought as if there was zero scope for someone to change how they deal with disagreements.

...in between I forget about it until something happens again and then I think God I shouldn't be having to walk on eggshells surely?

I wouldn't be able to forget behaviour like that. 25 years I've known my DH and only once has he thrown something in rage (and that wasn't anything I'd done, it was his mum's truly dreadful behaviour). Twice a year on average? I wouldn't put up with that, especially over trivial things like deliveries. And he doesn't swear - angry swearing is so aggressive.

Ordinary arguments or bickering, everyone does that sort of thing. The behaviours you describe are well past that.

None. I grew up in a very shouty household which I later recognised as a domestic abuse situation. When I moved in with dh (quite young and inexperienced in life) I remember him walking out when I was shouting. When he came back he asked why I was shouting, I laughed and said something flippant like 'it's just an argument, all couples do it, don't your parents?' He then told me he'd never heard his parents shout and scream at one another and it was a huge moment for me. I realised that normal people don't behave that way and that you can just have a discussion. It was also the start of realising just how dysfunctional some of the relationships I had previously witnessed were.

The only acceptable shouting is if someone is too far away to hear you or if someone is in danger. For example I regularly shout downstairs asking my partner to throw one of the kids teddy bears up when doing bedtime. Or I'll shout to get my son to stop putting Lego blocks in the dehumidifier vent if I'm busy doing something and too far away to stop him in time.

Your partner is abusive.

We never shout at each other

I've just had a talk with him when he came in and he said it was my fault as he was driving and I should have just texted to let him know and he would have been able to do something about it then when he got to his meeting. Then started saying how stressed he is and doesn't feel well, got really huffy with me for bringing it up but no apology.
I need to speak to him properly about how his behaviour is affecting me in general but he's taking me to hospital in a bit for a procedure so think it'll have to wait until a more opportune time.

Everyone is different, I don’t think zero shouting is the norm, but there are some who simply don’t shout. Unprovoked shouting and swearing about a delivery is not normal and is quite abusive, as is throwing anything, that would cross a line for me.

Me and DH can certainly ‘speak distinctly’ to each other in disagreements, but we always resolve them very quickly and don’t hold on to unspoken things. I actually think it’s healthy to have a certain about of arguments, as long as you can resolve them calmly and listen to each other.

OP, based on your description of what happened, you know he’s being immensely unreasonable, right?

If he’s mature enough to drive a car he should be mature enough to handle setbacks while doing so. Are you even allowed to talk on the phone while driving, where you are?

He’s blaming you for his reaction. And it’s not even like the package was an emergency delivery of transplant organs or something.

We’re both quite loud, so if we fall out, the volume sometimes goes up. But we never lose our tempers or swear at the other and if he ever chucked anything across the room, then he’d be gone, same day. I married an adult, not a toddler or a hormonal teenager.

It’s not healthy for you or your son to be working around his temper and it concerns me that he’s blaming you for his bad behaviour. You didn’t read his mind and respond in the way he thought would have been most appropriate, so you made him swear and shout at you. It’s your own fault. If you’d just done what he wanted then he wouldn’t have snapped. You should be apologising to him. That is a very slippery slope to go down. And you know that if you had text him, he’d have been screaming at you for letting him know when it was too late to change it.

It’s abuse. That he manages to control himself for a couple of months between outbursts doesn’t negate that fact.

We argue but never shouted in 11 years and certainly never thrown anything.

Nope. Never.

We both work in incredibly high stress occupations. It would never be ok to raise our voices at work. Why would it be ok at home?

Can’t imagine why people would be incredulous about this.