What's a normal amount of shouting?

[WhatALlama2]

How much shouting is normal in a relationship?

I've been with DH for nearly 10 years and he can have a bad temper where I seem to take the brunt. This morning for example he sent me a link to a delivery he had coming and I rang him and said I won't be here as I'm out for breakfast and immediately he started shouting and f-ing and blinding at me until I put the phone down. The thing is it doesn't happen very often, maybe 2 times a year for something serious (like he once threw a chair across the room and another time threw a plate which chipped the TV and he had to buy a new one), so in between I forget about it until something happens again and then I think God I shouldn't be having to walk on eggshells surely?

My parents are both very chilled and I've never even heard them have an argument so I sometimes wonder if this clouds my judgement
and that actually a bit of shouting is quite normal.

Besides the occasional temper tantrum we get on fine, have a nice house, lovely DS, nice holidays etc so I know if I was to leave it would be giving up a nice easy life to go to a life of, not struggle, but definitely not the lifestyle I'm used to.

We genuinely never shout and each other. We bicker and get stroppy at times but never shout or intimidate each other.

We've also never been physical in the sense of throwing items etc. I personally would find any shouting directed at me (or kids) and throwing items too confrontational and aggressive. I'd feel scared.

I hope you're ok. It's not normal from my experience.

My husband has never shouted at me. I have never shouted at him.

We have only ever shouted at our children to get their attention at a distance/if they have earphones in.

It's unnecessary.

I'd reiterate that none is normal for me and my partner, we never shout at each other. Do the shouters shout at friends, family, shop workers? I hope not.
I was, as young adult, shouted at by a teacher who called the company I worked for regarding her pension AVC. I asked her for her date of birth for security, and she started yelling at me . It was one of the most surreal experiences.

No, adults don't get to shout at me. Especially those I live with.

I'm a shouter and Dp used to rise to it. Then he began just sitting there while I ranted on.
My upbringing was extremely abusive-I suppose I've carried on the mantle. It's one of the reasons we may be parting, he's had enough.

I echo all of this. Myself and DP bicker sometimes but I've genuinely never heard him shout and he never swears at me so none is a normal amount for us.

Shouting is not normal.
DH and I have been together 45 years and have never shouted at one another.

I think it's completely normal to shout a bit, the OPs voice example is not.

The couples I know who don't shout just go for the passive aggressive digs or sulk instead!

Not Ok. Also not Ok that he doesn't take responsibility. Hope your hospital appointment goes well.

We bicker and get stroppy at times but never shout or intimidate each other.

I would interpret stroppy as argumentative & bad-tempered in the way that teenagers are stroppy. So you are stroppy without raising your voice?

Eh? We have disagreements, they just don’t involve shouting. Nor digs or sulking. We talk about the issue without raising our voices. I thought that was normal. What does shouting achieve? Unless the person you’re talking to has a hearing issue, why do you think you’re more likely to get your point across by saying it loudly?

Unless the person you’re talking to has a hearing issue, why do you think you’re more likely to get your point across by saying it loudly?

where did I say that?

We talk about the issue without raising our voices

sometimes it's just not that deep & there isn't really anything to discuss but the scenario involves a raised voice to say "for gods sake" or "name, you didn't do that thing". I forget things too, with juggling kids, work, friends & family. We don't need a talk to dissect it.

Eh? I'm so sick of seeing the "eh" faux confusion reply to posts. You can get your point across without it surely?

My last partner was very very passive aggressive. He didn't shout but he withdrew and would refuse to talk to me. He was an arsehole.

When I met DH 15 years ago we agreed to always talk things through when one or the other of us was upset or angry. It's worked well and I can guarantee that while we have disagreed, raised voices and been angry a few times, we have never ever shouted or thrown things.

We very rarely disagree about much to be honest. It was one of the main reasons I married him!

My late DH never ever shouted at me or raised his voice, ever.

And not remotely passive aggressive! There was no need.

Tbf im not English & shouting has less angst attached to it in the countries my parents are from. I've been to family gatherings at friends houses here & there is often no shouting but you can't miss the passive aggression & often the undercurrent of simmering resentment that can't be expressed for whatever reason!

Did you check with your husband that no deliveries were due before leaving the house? If not his anger can surely be anticipated.

JK. He's a turnip and you should probably leave him.

Really angrily shouting or raising your voice as you've got frustrated is quite a different thing.

However, it would imagine it's very unusual that a couple don't have an argument where voices are raised.

No shouting is acceptable - and certainly chucking things about is totally out of order.

Ok, but what’s the point? What’s the point in raising your voice? I genuinely don’t understand it (not faux confusion 😉).
You can say ‘for god’s sake’ or ‘name, don’t do that thing’ in a normal tone of voice, surely? What does shouting it add?

there isn't a point, it's just because it's coming from frustration. If you said it in a normal
voice I wouldn't say the frustration is as obvious. And as I said it's one moment, a split second. I really don't see the point of arranging a discussion about it later on.

It's not about adding anything. Like I said maybe it's a cultural thing, people will shout at you in a market abroad etc. I wouldn't find shouting in itself intimidating, that would be based on tone & body language.

@WaddleAway now it's my turn to be confused!! So every time your partner upsets you or vice versa you have a discussion about it?

Just out of interest then, do you shout at people in frustration at work? Your boss, for example? Did you shout at your teachers when you were at school?
(Im not English either by the way).

i've had teachers & bosses raise their voices at me but wouldn't shout back because of their position, although if they screamed in my face or were aggressive I wouldn't tolerate that. And I would rather a shouty telling off as opposed to a detention. However if a colleague rose their voice to me I certainly would raise my voice back.

(Im not English either by the way).

where are you from?

In Spanish. Well, half Spanish but grew up there. Have lived in England since my early 20’s.

Has a teacher or boss never raised their voice at you?