What's a normal amount of shouting?

[WhatALlama2]

How much shouting is normal in a relationship?

I've been with DH for nearly 10 years and he can have a bad temper where I seem to take the brunt. This morning for example he sent me a link to a delivery he had coming and I rang him and said I won't be here as I'm out for breakfast and immediately he started shouting and f-ing and blinding at me until I put the phone down. The thing is it doesn't happen very often, maybe 2 times a year for something serious (like he once threw a chair across the room and another time threw a plate which chipped the TV and he had to buy a new one), so in between I forget about it until something happens again and then I think God I shouldn't be having to walk on eggshells surely?

My parents are both very chilled and I've never even heard them have an argument so I sometimes wonder if this clouds my judgement
and that actually a bit of shouting is quite normal.

Besides the occasional temper tantrum we get on fine, have a nice house, lovely DS, nice holidays etc so I know if I was to leave it would be giving up a nice easy life to go to a life of, not struggle, but definitely not the lifestyle I'm used to.

Certainly not a boss. Honestly I’d be gobsmacked if a professional adult shouted at me. My husband has never shouted at me either.
Teachers… maybe. I can’t remember. I wasn’t the type to get into trouble.
My point was more that some people seem to be able to control their voices when at work etc because it would be unprofessional, but when talking to their partners or children they’re apparently less able to control it. I doubt the OP’s partner for example would talk to his boss in the same way that he talked to the OP.

Well quite

I’ve been with my husband for 20 years almost and we have never shouted at each other! I can count on one hand the amount of times we’ve snapped at each other tbh.

Arguing a few times a year can be normal OP and people have different styles of arguing. All relationships rupture, it's how they are repaired that makes or breaks the relationship.

Throwing chairs and plates is not normal. Any grown man having a temper tantrum like that would give me the ick. I'd never respect him again.

I never said what the OP was was normal. I was a straight A student in a catholic school but teachers certainly shouted at us/me to stop talking or get on with something. I can't think of anywhere I've worked where I've not heard a raised voice at some point by a boss directed at someone. When I was in labour, 2 midwives were having a full on row with each other, that I would say was unusual.

That sort of proves my point. Teachers shout at students. Bosses shout at their employees. It rarely happens the other way round. People manage to control themselves in order to raise their voices at people in authority, because they know they’d get into trouble, but they can’t control themselves to not shout at a partner. Which shows it’s not just frustration or spur of the moment (because if it was, they’d do it to their boss too), it’s a choice.

*in order to ‘not’ raise their voices, I meant

Well I'll be honest and say that this thread has really made me re-evaluate my view on shouting and whether or not it's normal, and has made me take a hard look at myself and my behaviour. So for that I thank you all for saying it isn't normal. Time for some changes in my life

DH and I will have been married for 50 years, this year. Together for 55 years. In all that time we have, of course, had disagreements. But have never shouted at each other let alone thrown stuff.

How much shouting is normal in a relationship?

None.

and immediately he started shouting and f-ing and blinding at me

This is not OK.

I don't agree with pp that none is normal, that's disneyesq imo

I disagree. I don't shout at people and neither does DH or DD. We aren't a shouty family. DH and I sometimes disagree, but we never shout or swear at each other. The relationship would feel very wrong if we did.

None. Arguments can be conducted without shouting. Violence is never ever acceptable and I would include fear of potential violence.

Please seek some support as you are unfortunately in an abusive relationship.

I echo those who say none.
Been with DH for nearly 40 years and neither of us has ever shouted at the other.

Good for you and very rare on here for someone to think carefully and reconsider.
I posted upthread that DH and I have never shouted. My adult DC don't either. One of them met a girl who shouted and it turned out her parents did. She thought that was the way adults resolved disagreement.
When we first lived together, 40 years ago we said if there was an issue we would never try to resolve it there and then but would discuss later when both had time to reflect. Seems to work for us.
We disagree, often, but we don't get angry.

My husband doesn’t shout at me. We’ve been married 33 years, together, 35.

None. We sometimes get snippy with each other (rarely) but never any shouting or slamming phone down. Certainly no physical aggression.

Sorry for not being clearer.

I meant stroppy as in, sulky. So I may mumble "you're so annoying" under my breath as I put something away. Or "next time just check with me" before I walk off.

Not great but no one's perfect. In my experience I see most people get stroppy with their partner from time to time.when things get too much, too tired etc.

The difference in my eyes, is when I'm stroppy, in expressing (immaturely perhaps) that I'm not happy. Shouting is more about intimidation and overpowering someone else imo.

Raising voice slightly in exasperating occasionally - normal
Swearing, yelling, throwing things - abuse

You're absolutely right @WaddleAway - and thinking about that has helped me manage my sometimes short fuse in my marriage too. I can still be a bit cross but it's easier to control now.

DH and I have raised our voices to each other when both under stress/pressure and being frustrated at each other - I wouldn't say shouting though. Just heated.

We've never sworn at each other, that would be a deal breaker for me, as I think as an adult you should be able to communicate without swearing/name calling/being hurtful etc.

If either of us is particularly frustrated, we take a breather and talk when calmer.

Your DH sounds genuinely unhinged!

I would say dh and I have occasional rows that result in us both feeling annoyed but we either talk it out, compromise or let it go. But whilst sometimes one will raise their voice (the other will usually quickly point it out) that's it. We don't swear at each other or behave aggressively.

This would be a firm no for me it's not healthy for your child to witness and it's not good for you. You say it's a couple of times a year but that doesn't make it ok? Should you be grateful he doesn't doit often?

I would say (at a time when you are both calm) this is unacceptable and he needs to find ways to manage his temper going forward. He probably wouldn't behave that way towards friends or work colleagues so why is it acceptable to treat you that way?

Like you describe?
Never ever, over my dead body.
Seriously he would have to be having a mental health episode to get away with that. Even then it would be a one in a lifetime deal.
I wouldn't respect him if he put up with it from me either.
ANY abuse is abuse.

And I'll add I was raised by 3 awful shouters (Dad, Step mum and Mum) and that has resulted me in being very protective against shouty arseholes for myself and DC.

Zero is a good starting point in terms of shouting.

Rarely is probably liveable.

What you're going through isn't okay and I think you know that, especially given you've started a thread about it.

I’m not from a shouty family. My parents often had long discussions but I never heard them shout.
In fact, my DF used to lower his voice and speak very quietly when he was really cross with me or my DBro. It was an excellent strategy!

However, I discovered that I married a very shouty man who would yell at me for not being in for a delivery that he hadn’t told me about. He’d yell at me for many many unfathomable reasons, all down to his work stress that he refused to address. He never threw stuff, but would slam kitchen doors off their hinges.
If I didn’t agree with his POV, he’d just yell louder and louder.
Eggshells, eggshells…

There was then an incident in his office, and his PA called me. I was mortified.

We are now divorced and I told the DCs that I would henceforth be running a happy and relaxed home… with every chance to communicate on an adult level 24/7. They’re delighted.

No, that's not normal OP. My husband and I have the odd argument and we do raise our voices occasionally but it's not usually out of nowhere for a silly reason like a parcel.