What's a normal amount of shouting?

[WhatALlama2]

How much shouting is normal in a relationship?

I've been with DH for nearly 10 years and he can have a bad temper where I seem to take the brunt. This morning for example he sent me a link to a delivery he had coming and I rang him and said I won't be here as I'm out for breakfast and immediately he started shouting and f-ing and blinding at me until I put the phone down. The thing is it doesn't happen very often, maybe 2 times a year for something serious (like he once threw a chair across the room and another time threw a plate which chipped the TV and he had to buy a new one), so in between I forget about it until something happens again and then I think God I shouldn't be having to walk on eggshells surely?

My parents are both very chilled and I've never even heard them have an argument so I sometimes wonder if this clouds my judgement
and that actually a bit of shouting is quite normal.

Besides the occasional temper tantrum we get on fine, have a nice house, lovely DS, nice holidays etc so I know if I was to leave it would be giving up a nice easy life to go to a life of, not struggle, but definitely not the lifestyle I'm used to.

The only person who shouts in our house is the dog. In over 10 years, DH and I have never ever shouted at or sworn at each other. Not once. It’s at best disrespectful and in most cases, abusive.

Does he shout and throw things at his colleagues who don't blindly obey/agree with him??
I highly doubt it.

Shouting at someone you love isn't usual. Throwing things isn't either.

I suppose if you both shout at each other it might be an acceptable part of your relationship (though perhaps not great for those around you).

One person shouting at the other... and that person treading on eggshells to avoid it=abuse.

If he blames you for making him him lose his temper- that sounds like abuse too.

If he has a temper problem then he loses his temper with everyone. If he only loses it with you then it is a form of control and a lack of respect.

I had a shouty and sulky “d”h, got rid of him and now I have a lovely partner who I have never heard shout once. I very rarely say this but, LTB. You’ll be so much happier, trust me.

No proper full on shouting is normal I think. We’re only human though, and everyone shouts a little bit occasionally in the sense of “oh just hang on a minute” or something. But nothing like you describe.

My exh was a shouter and would similarly be likely to send a message at the last minute and be angry I couldn’t comply with it. Would then decide what I’d planned to do wasn’t important. It’s really abusive.

Dh and I shout at each other now and then but the context you describe sounds different because it’s upsetting and he’s also throwing things etc.
We shout at each other when we’re frustrated in an argument although mostly it’s raised voices or making a point passionately. That’s normal for us and doesn’t feel in any way disconcerting.
His reactions sound scary and explosive however.

It’s not normal and effing and blinding at you is certainly not normal.

Thank you all for your comments. I tried to have a discussion with him yesterday about it but it didn't go well as he just got annoyed with me for bringing it up, "making it into a bigger deal than it is" and said I was patronising him by saying his behaviour isn't acceptable. This morning he's admitted he feels very stressed, has chest pains and feels like he's going to have a heart attack because he hates it when things aren't in his control (related to work pressures and my illness). I've said if it doesn't ease up he's really going to have to speak to his doctor about maybe getting a little bit of extra help. His family suffer from anxiety, depression, anger and even schizophrenia so I think regardless of the situation with me he needs to take his MH serious for his own good and everyone else around him.

No shouting or raised voices in this house

Remember, everything he does is a parenting choice. Do you want your DS to grow up thinking that shouting / throwing chairs is normal?

My acid test is "Would he speak to his boss / sister / Mum like that? Or, would he have spoken to you like that, on your first date?" If not, then why should you tolerate it?

My partner and I have never raised our voices and we have certainly never sworn at each other in anger.

My ex was much like your husband, I found myself trying to police the world, oh x got swapped for y in the food delivery ill have to go out and buy x so he doesn't find out in case he explodes. I broke a cup and hid it for a few weeks in case he exploded. It was exhausting. It might well be common but that doesn't mean its acceptable.

Been with DH 20 years. Yes we've argued but never once shouted at each other.

It entirely depends on the two people involved. My husband and I have been together almost 10 years and have never shouted at each other, but then neither of us are particularly shouty people and I wouldn't be with him if he was. I know friends in relatively happy relationships who do shout though and it seems to just be how they communicate. If it makes you uncomfortable then you need to say something. Personally I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who shouts and swears at me, but I'm more relaxed about other behaviour (flirting, female friends etc) than some people.

Baffled by the people who say if you wouldn't shout at work why would you shout at home? I can't imagine expecting to have restrict emotional communication with a partner to the same as with colleagues.

That said,
shouting and swearing aren't inherently evil, but in response to a minor inconvenience they suggest poor management of his emotions which combined with a history violent behaviors of throwing and smashing things is a big red flag. The violent behavior and making you feel like you need to walk on eggshells would be unacceptable to me. Sometimes relationships are less than perfect but a net good, and sometimes partners behave in ways that are unacceptable and the relationship needs to end. OP would be best not thinking about what other people would do (which will run the full spectrum from 'I would have walked out the moment we disagreed about anything' to 'I would put up with all kinds of shit because there is something in the relationship that I think is worth it') - the question is what is OP willing to put up with, and I think the questions being asked in the post are strong indicators towards the answer being 'not this'.

Baffled by the people who say if you wouldn't shout at work why would you shout at home? I can't imagine expecting to have restrict emotional communication with a partner to the same as with colleagues.

I'm baffled as to why you think it is OK shout at anyone. That is not my normal, and not most people's normal in a functional relationship.

Baffled by the people who say if you wouldn't shout at work why would you shout at home? I can't imagine expecting to have restrict emotional communication with a partner to the same as with colleagues

Baffled as to why you respect your colleagues enough to not shout at them but not your partner or children 🤷🏻‍♀️.
I don’t shout at anyone. Not my colleagues, not my boss, and certainly not my family.

I think shouting in a relationship can be justified in very limited and specific circumstances. It has to be purposeful and deliberate and over something very important. And very very occasional. If you are really trying to get your point across in a heated argument and the other person is refusing to hear you at all, it could be justified.

It sure as hell isn't justified because you weren't there to pick up his deliveries. That certainly isn't normal and that would be a dealbreaker for me.

We have shouted but usually it's when he calls up the stairs 'dinners ready' or something similar. As for general shouting, I don't think he's ever raised his voice to me or the girls.

Me and my partner have never shouted at each other. And we're not a Disney-esque couple by any stretch of the imagination.

Tbh I'm not sure it's shouting that's the problem here. I'm an animated person, I'm loud whatever the mood.
So I wouldn't say that a raised voice is the issue, but the verbal abuse is.
And none is acceptable, even less acceptable is throwing chairs and plates about.

When is shouting acceptable? Assuming no abusive language....

Shouting at your team at a football match = fill yer boots
Shouting "STOP" at someone who is about to do something really dangerous = fine
Telling the family in the garden or upstairs that their tea is ready = fine
Shouting "FFS" into the void at no-one in particular if you break something or the toilet roll runs out or someone's taken the last piece of chocolate = understandable
Raising your voice in an argument with your other half = not fine. But you'll be had pressed to find someone who has never ever done it. Context is all and if it happens regularly in non-abusive situations it usually points at the couple needing to work on communication (in both "send" and "receive" modes).

Anyone who says other than none needs to higher their expectations.

DH has never shouted at me. We’ve been together 20 years.

He has sworn at me a few times, mostly “Oh fuck off” or “For fucks sake” but probably only about 20 times (although, somewhat depressingly, all in the last 4 years).

Shouting is not normal at all. Married 30+ years and we have never shouted at each other.

Thank you. It really shocked me because I genuinely believed that shouting was normal and everyone did it. I was shouted at as a child and have been a shouter as a mother, and a partner. Had a big heart to heart with my OH about it last night and apologised. He doesn't shout as much as me, and usually only when telling the kids, but we've agreed we're stopping shouting. This morning I sat my DC down and explained that Mummy's been wrong and things are going to be different, I might slip up sometimes but that mummy isn't going to shout anymore, that we're going to all work on being a family that doesn't shout. I don't want my children growing up thinking it's normal like I did, or like your DC girlfriend.

Slightly raised voices and exasperated tones are ok however we are still careful over language. As in we would never call each other names etc.

Throwing stuff and name calling is aggression and abusive.

Funny how you brought it up and instead of an apology you got a 'reverse'; how hard things are for him, how worried he is etc etc...this is classic abusive controlling behaviour, making it all about him and trying to reverse the situation where you started out expecting an apology for the shitty behaviour and in the end you're comforting him because the shitty behaviour is a symptom of deep inner turmoil that surprise surprise they have never sought help for, and only seems to get turned in your direction.

It's not ok to throw things, shout, name call or any other abusive behaviours mo matter what other things are going on in his life

You deserve to he properly listened to about how it makes you feel