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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do you need so much support ? I coped all by myself

118 replies

gooodbye · 01/03/2023 14:05

I've just been mum shamed for getting help with my children. Is it ever OK to shame someone for getting support ?

Does not needing help make you a better parent ? Am I a worse mum than you, because I have help?

OP posts:
BCBird · 01/03/2023 14:07

Never been a mom.but I would discard what this person has said. There is strength in saying u need help in any situation. Hope the help.makes a difference

Chaytor · 01/03/2023 14:08

I'd never say that to someone !!! What is with people ?!

MiddleParking · 01/03/2023 14:09

Meh. They’re probably coming at it from a place of a lot of relentless stress. If you’re the one that’s had a lot of support then you can probably afford to let that comment slide. I get loads of help from my parents and I’m sure people without any probably roll their eyes a bit - which is fair enough.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 01/03/2023 14:09

People are judgy cunts, no matter what you do.

Aftjbtibg · 01/03/2023 14:09

Was it in real life or on here? It’s an odd attitude and I see it at work where people say why are you asking for help, i coped with much more but does that make it right….

GPFavo · 01/03/2023 14:09

It depends. No one is a bad mum for needing support. On the other hand, when someone with support is complaining to those who don’t have support then it is rather tactless. More information is needed here to determine if YABU.

My DSis has one DC and I have 2. Both DH and I work full-time whilst DSis doesn’t work and BIL works two days each week. All I hear is how busy/overwhelmed/hard/stressful their life is. It does get tedious.

How did the conversation actually come about?

Sistanotcista · 01/03/2023 14:11

As @BCBird rightly notes, there is strength in asking for help. It takes a village to raise a child, and in many cases, it is beneficial for children to be exposed to a variety of people and environments.

Lucylock · 01/03/2023 14:11

I think we need more information. What help do you get and by whom and who said it?

I have a friend who had an overnight nanny when mine were young. I used to wonder why she needed it, but wouldn't have said anything.

Theunamedcat · 01/03/2023 14:12

Usually said by people with supportive husbands and family's honestly my moms thrown this at me in front of my aunt who said yes but you had your mom your two sisters your mil practically raised your eldest so you could work come on get off your backside and help if you think she needs to work more hours she soon shut up

Original poster
gooodbye · 01/03/2023 14:13

The person shaming me is in the perfect position to get help actually. But they choose not to get help.

I didn't winge or complain at all, I don't. But it has been become apparent that I've been badly judged several times by this person and I feel really rubbish about it.

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 01/03/2023 14:14

It depends how much and what kind of support really. Some people just seem really inept at life and not capable of doing anything by or for themselves and I definitely internally roll my eyes at them. Some people have a lot more to cope with (illness, disability, poverty etc) and do their best despite everything and I wish them well.

SavBlancTonight · 01/03/2023 14:21

Well, you have a problem with a specific person who is clearly a judgey sanctimonious cow. Ideally, spend less time with this person.

Original poster
gooodbye · 01/03/2023 14:58

CalistoNoSolo · 01/03/2023 14:14

It depends how much and what kind of support really. Some people just seem really inept at life and not capable of doing anything by or for themselves and I definitely internally roll my eyes at them. Some people have a lot more to cope with (illness, disability, poverty etc) and do their best despite everything and I wish them well.

Go on then. Give examples of this please. When is it too much and when is someone inept at life ?

OP posts:
rattlemehearties · 01/03/2023 15:00

This is the kind of thing my own mother would've said to me! Some people really lack empathy and tact. It's ok to ask for help OP.

Eyerollcentral · 01/03/2023 15:07

Why do you need support? Do you need help with childcare or what? If you aren’t working then I think I would be judging you to be honest. Unless you have ten kids it’s not that hard and even then I know a lot of women who reared ten kids with no help, not even from their husbands so that may shape my view. Child rearing is often boring and repetitive and some days you might want to scream the place down but if you aren’t working no you shouldn’t need a hand.

Cakeandcardio · 01/03/2023 15:12

Every parent needs help. Some people are just unlucky and don't really have any (me and DH). But we would love it. I'm secretly jealous of those who do. So count yourself fortunate and ignore what she said. Maybe she is jealous?

Shesasuperfreak · 01/03/2023 15:14

"Why do you need so much support ? I coped all by myself"

And it turned you into a bitter bitch, why are we racing to the bottom. I needed help so I got help

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 01/03/2023 15:15

It's impossible to answer your question without knowing how much of what support you're getting.

If you are a SAHM, in good mental and physical health with children all in school and you have someone doing favours looking after them everyday after school till bedtime then I'd wonder why you need that much help and support.

If the support is financial and you are capable of working more then I'd wonder why you aren't.

There are lots of different permutations of support and reasons why you might need it.

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 01/03/2023 15:16

it’s not that hard

Sometimes it really fucking is. And why is there so much shaming in people asking for help!? fucking hell

Do you need help? Then get help if you can. No one else gets a say in wether you should or shouldn’t

FourTeaFallOut · 01/03/2023 15:18

Some people are far better at signalling distress and tend to mop up resources from those who need it more but can't find a route to access it. I think it can lead to resentment. But this is a general musing, I don't know you or your situation.

megletthesecond · 01/03/2023 15:23

The more help the better IMO. I have none (LP) and believe me when I did I was a much happier parent.
It takes a village and all that.

AcquaDeToilet · 01/03/2023 15:27

Some people think this way but wouldn't say it to out loud to the person's face.
It depends on what you sought support about. SIL is excellent at getting people to do things for her, always expresses every twinge and discomfort but then there are other people who suffer in silence so there is a varying scale on both extreme ends of very demanding attention seeker with unrealistic expectations from life to a martyr building up resentment silently.

AcquaDeToilet · 01/03/2023 15:28

gooodbye · 01/03/2023 14:58

Go on then. Give examples of this please. When is it too much and when is someone inept at life ?

Show quote history

Why are you asking her? You've started this thread, you say what it was actually specifically about if you want accurate opinions.

Babooshka1990 · 01/03/2023 15:29

It depends if by ‘help’ you mean giving the child to grandparents to raise, which allot of people on MN seem to do.

Woopdee · 01/03/2023 15:43

Entirely depends on the circumstances. Having some help is a good thing and not to be judged in itself but if you go too far I do judge.
I'm a single parent of one, my ex friend is a single parent of one. She'd ask me to watch her child while she went shopping, she'd ask me to come over and help her bath her child, she'd call me at night and ask me to come put her child to bed. And she had multiple lackeys she did this too.

At one point I got concerned and asked if she was truly struggling. She had the same argument of "why do you think I'm a bad mum just because I have some support!" ... Um because you can't wipe your own ass let alone your childs?