Page 5 | Why do you need so much support ? I coped all by myself

Periornot · 01/03/2023 18:02

If you need/want help, you need/want help. If you don't, you don't! Everyone's circumstances and thresholds are different. Hope it makes your lives easier and works out for you.

Dymaxion · 01/03/2023 18:06

I am envious of people who have had more help than me over the years and have lovely supportive and thoughtful, partners and family. I would never tell those people that though, I might say ' that sounds lovely or you are lucky to have them' but not ' you aren't doing life as well as me because I have to struggle with more things than you ' . Just as I wouldn't gloat about the good bits of my life to someone who has drawn a shorter straw !

Consideringit · 01/03/2023 18:06

While asking for help isn't a bad thing, we also shouldn't assume those that don't ask for help are absolutely fine and don't need any support.

Its Like being the 'good' kid in class - we can all use some support (verbal or actual) at one time ot another.

Original poster

gooodbye · 01/03/2023 18:11

Dymaxion · 01/03/2023 18:06

I am envious of people who have had more help than me over the years and have lovely supportive and thoughtful, partners and family. I would never tell those people that though, I might say ' that sounds lovely or you are lucky to have them' but not ' you aren't doing life as well as me because I have to struggle with more things than you ' . Just as I wouldn't gloat about the good bits of my life to someone who has drawn a shorter straw !

I also have a friend I'm envious of. She has way way way more support than me. But I don't think I'm better than her or would make her feel inadequate because she has more help.

My friend has two small kids like me and has help every day getting them ready and up and also every night she has company having dinner with her family and also help getting them to bed. I have none of that unless my parents are visiting. I would be over the moon if I could have someone have dinner with us every night and help with bed time. It would change my life and my mood hugely to be alone less. But I don't have that. The fact my friend has that, doesn't mean she doesn't struggle in her own way.

OP posts:

Basecampzero · 01/03/2023 18:19

gooodbye · 01/03/2023 16:46

This is probably true.

But I never judged my friend and always respected her.

She judged me so I tried to find a reason why she may have done that and one of the reasons could be the difference in our choices. But there are also many other reasons. Perhaps lack of recognition. But personally I forever praise her about how amazing I think she is and what a good mother she is. But she probably doesn't think it's enough and needs more recognition from everyone about how much she does being a sahm.

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SAHMs get the hell judged out of them, on here and in real life. That doesn't mean she gets to judge you back though.

If you're not banging on about how special you are in your important job, and how you manage perfectly (without acknowledging you're actually getting help) then you shouldn't have any judgement. She should leave you alone. I think if you can get help and afford it if you're paying for it, then you're doing a good thing by employing others who could do with the work and making your children's lives better by not being as stressed.

The point is if someone is a judgemental boot they'll judge anyone who doesn't do things exactly the way they do. Probably because it makes them feel superior. The only way to tackle it is to ignore them.

CrazyLadie · 01/03/2023 18:20

gooodbye · 01/03/2023 14:05

I've just been mum shamed for getting help with my children. Is it ever OK to shame someone for getting support ?

Does not needing help make you a better parent ? Am I a worse mum than you, because I have help?

It takes strength to ask for help, a good parent knows when they need that help. All this I never needed help shite is just that shite, everyone needs help sometimes and being a parent can be bloody hard work

Itisbetter · 01/03/2023 18:20

It sounds like she does more than you and you want her not to mentally it? Could you just ask her if she can do that? Honestly I don’t get why you need that but if she’s your friend she probably won’t mind.

CrazyLadie · 01/03/2023 18:21

Eyerollcentral · 01/03/2023 15:07

Why do you need support? Do you need help with childcare or what? If you aren’t working then I think I would be judging you to be honest. Unless you have ten kids it’s not that hard and even then I know a lot of women who reared ten kids with no help, not even from their husbands so that may shape my view. Child rearing is often boring and repetitive and some days you might want to scream the place down but if you aren’t working no you shouldn’t need a hand.

Wow what a horrid judegmental person you are, there are many reasons people could need help with their kids that don't relate specifically to the kids

CoffeeLover90 · 01/03/2023 18:24

I'm a single parent, I work full time and the only child care i get is paid for, not alot as i cant afford it. When you say you're getting support all I can think is - I'm pleased for you. I'm not better than you. I'm envious, but not in a bitter way. Anyone trying to make you feel inferior for it is either jealous or just not a nice person. We're all different, we have different limits and I honestly think the world would be a better place if we could all group together, offer what we can and feel no shame in getting help.

Fizbosshoes · 01/03/2023 18:34

I had pnd with my 2nd child and felt like I needed help. No one could have judged me more than I judged myself for not being able to cope "like other people".

I find MN generally a bit judged and superior about somethings and notice it on this thread.

I've actually had very little support since my DC were very young. My mum passed away when my youngest was 1, and my IL live further away to help on a regular basis and told me after first DC the novelty of GC had worn off.(my Dad and MiL have also died) My Dsis works ft and shifts so rarely available.

I do notice that some people who have very supportive parents/iL sometimes seem to take it for granted or minimise their help, but I don't begrudge it. I'd have loved my DC to have a closer and longer bond with their gps.

Original poster

gooodbye · 01/03/2023 18:38

Fizbosshoes · 01/03/2023 18:34

I had pnd with my 2nd child and felt like I needed help. No one could have judged me more than I judged myself for not being able to cope "like other people".

I find MN generally a bit judged and superior about somethings and notice it on this thread.

I've actually had very little support since my DC were very young. My mum passed away when my youngest was 1, and my IL live further away to help on a regular basis and told me after first DC the novelty of GC had worn off.(my Dad and MiL have also died) My Dsis works ft and shifts so rarely available.

I do notice that some people who have very supportive parents/iL sometimes seem to take it for granted or minimise their help, but I don't begrudge it. I'd have loved my DC to have a closer and longer bond with their gps.

That's really sad. I was recently speaking to another mum who has kids the same age as mine and we were comparing notes, rather than me complaining ( before anyone accuses me ). She has both grandparents nearby who are really hands on and she offered her help should I ever need a hand with anything, because we live close. I thought that was really kind. Of course I wouldn't ask her for help, but the gesture was so kind.

OP posts:

Goodread1 · 01/03/2023 18:44

Hi Op
I think she is obviously jealous and insecure, bit /a lot envious she didn't have enough support or right kind of support and wishes that she had kind of support you had,

Probably feels Life is not fair, like life is somehow a competition/, like a lucky dip lottery, you were have been reciepnt of somewhat good luck , or something else,

She is being catty, Meow towards you

She is odd irritating woman who obviously needs to Grow up and get a Life. !

OP, Don't let likes of her, make you feel meh, cause she didn't have, whatever she craves/feels somewhat/a lot deprived in some way that's not on you,

Tabitha888 · 01/03/2023 18:48

Being a good mum is asking for support when you need too. X

notthisagainforest · 01/03/2023 18:52

Some people get jealous if they get lots of help from family with the kids it's probably because they do t get any help and they struggle.

Conkersinautumn · 01/03/2023 19:01

I'd never be envious of support. In my experience others can't be trusted and the 'cost' of support isn't worth it as people expect 100 times the favours. There is no village, if there ever was - unless you mean a back stabbing group of gossips. I've no time and no trust for others looking after my kids.

5128gap · 01/03/2023 22:02

It really doesn't matter how much support you're getting. All the matters is that the people giving it are happy to I give DD and Dil a lot of support with the DGC. Not because they're somehow more feeble than other women and need me to, but because I want to.
If I can do something I enjoy and in doing so make their lives a bit nicer, should they say 'Oh no thank-you. We'll struggle on because some other mums have to'?
Its only a problem when demand for support exceeds capacity/willingness.

berksandbeyond · 01/03/2023 22:24

Well it depends really. I can think of one person I know in particular who has offloaded her children on anyone she can at every opportunity and doesn’t seem to want to do any parenting at all. Then she posts memes on Facebook about how mums never gets a break. I am tempted to point out she’s had more breaks that anyone else I’ve ever met, but so far I’ve resisted that temptation.

Bluebirds1987 · 01/03/2023 22:40

It doesn't matter what the situation is. You recognised you needed help. You asked for help. You're the better parent for it. Your kids are better off for it too. You're a good mum!!
Why struggle and feel guilty about losing your shit with the kids for the 100th time because you're burnt out, if you have the option of help it's always going to be a good thing!
For context my DH also works away and I solo parent 2 toddlers all week and work nearly full time.
I get to the end of my tether a lot, but don't have amazing family support. So I got a cleaner and it's been amazing. I also now outsource remote jobs to DH while he works away - plan the weekend meals and activities, order kids stuff we need online, research and order the next size up car seat... I'm less stressed when I don't have all the mental load, and I don't feel guilty for offloading one bit.
When I've had the kids all week and they play up at the weekend, I tell DH I need him to take them out so I can have a break from them.
I'm ALWAYS a much, much better mum after that little short break. I'm more patient with them. (They are 1 and 3).
If my family offer to have them... Hell yes! I asked my sister to have them while I get my hair done tomorrow. My hairdresser lets me take them with me, but if I have the option of a child free couple of hours then the only fool would be the person not asking for that.

You do you.