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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do you need so much support ? I coped all by myself

118 replies

gooodbye · 01/03/2023 14:05

I've just been mum shamed for getting help with my children. Is it ever OK to shame someone for getting support ?

Does not needing help make you a better parent ? Am I a worse mum than you, because I have help?

OP posts:
ProseccoOnIce · 01/03/2023 15:48

Entirely depends on the context.

I have no "help" and a friend thinks that being a single parent is the same as having a husband that works away - I was raging!

And what does "help" mean - grandparents, SAHP, cleaner?

Nooyoiknooyoik · 01/03/2023 15:51

CalistoNoSolo · 01/03/2023 14:14

It depends how much and what kind of support really. Some people just seem really inept at life and not capable of doing anything by or for themselves and I definitely internally roll my eyes at them. Some people have a lot more to cope with (illness, disability, poverty etc) and do their best despite everything and I wish them well.

I know what you mean.

There’s nothing at all wrong with asking for help. Just don’t get offended when people praise or admire the person who has managed without help.

Paperexcelandpens · 01/03/2023 15:51

I have to be honest I do think this about some people sometimes. Some people like my dsis doesn't even attempt to do things on her own, always has people 'supporting' her. No illness or disabilities etc.

Original poster
gooodbye · 01/03/2023 15:52

It's all relative though isn't it. There will be people in my situation who could absolutely not cope without help and others who maybe could cope without help.

It's not up to anyone to judge how much someone can cope with or not. You also don't know what's really going on with people a lot of the time. They may not tell you, yet here you are, judging them. I don't really want to disclose every detail of my situation.

I can say this, I've posted about how I feel several times with a different name and people always urge me to outsource as many things as possible, as it's a lot.

Yeah there will always be people who have it much worse - always.

OP posts:
Sleepingmole · 01/03/2023 15:53

Not appropriate of them. Nobody understands what is going on in others lives. This sounds like this is their issue.

BridieConvert · 01/03/2023 15:53

These comments seem to come, more often than not, from women who would rather be martyrs and struggle along than ask for any form of help so they can be seen as "better than", or from women who are bitter and jealous because they wish they had access to help but for whatever reason, don't.

I am very lucky to have lots of help available - have I needed it? Sometimes. Have I been grateful for it? Always.

GingerAle1 · 01/03/2023 16:01

Some people just are very judgey
you can't do anything about it but you can hopefully ignore them

Original poster
gooodbye · 01/03/2023 16:03

GingerAle1 · 01/03/2023 16:01

Some people just are very judgey
you can't do anything about it but you can hopefully ignore them

There's a few of them on this thread. So it must be pretty common.

OP posts:
Original poster
gooodbye · 01/03/2023 16:07

There’s nothing at all wrong with asking for help. Just don’t get offended when people praise or admire the person who has managed without help.

Well the ones that don't need help generally want to congratulate themselves a lot for it ( my friend for example ). Funny how I don't congratulate myself about all the things I have achieve alone and don't feel the need to rub that in people's faces. I guess it's not worth as much for some people because it's not around having kids.

I guess because I have a successful career and degrees and work, this is the thing my stay at home mum friend needs to beat me up over.

OP posts:
CarrieSmisher · 01/03/2023 16:09

I got no help and I will definitely offer my help to any future grandkids to help my kids out where I can.
I did and continue to judge my mum for helping her nieces out, but not lifting a finger to help me even when I was very ill. Trouble was, she only helps out if she has an audience. Some people are like that.
Don't be ashamed, take whatever help is offered,

Timeforabiscuit · 01/03/2023 16:12

I think it actually comes from jealously, that another person has a family, a career and a partner - they have everything! And then they have the nerve to ask for help!

They aren't actually coming from any place of empathy, or wanting to understand how someone else is faring, their too wrapped in their own struggles and bitterness, I think these types of people are often deeply unhappy and unable to communicate it.

billy1966 · 01/03/2023 16:13

Tell this person nothing going forward and actively avoid them.

They add nothing to your life.

I think if you can pay for some help, why would you not do it.

There are no prizes for suffering and it really is no ones business but yours.

ShimmeringShirts · 01/03/2023 16:15

It’s human nature to judge, you judge others yourself and others judge you. I absolutely judge those that can’t do anything for themselves - why do you have children when you can’t cope with life? But that’s different from someone that is having a MH crisis/going through a shitty time and needs a bit extra support before getting back on their feet and continuing on with life. The same as others judge me for not reaching out for help when I need it the most because I’ve been raised to do it all alone. It’s just different viewpoints and at the end of the day no one else matters bar yourself and your family so why get bent out of shape that others are having negative emotions?

Babooshka1990 · 01/03/2023 16:17

@gooodbye but saying ‘some people can cope better than others’ fails to recognise how amazing and hardworking those people who get on with it through hard times when they have no help, are. People should be congratulated for doing well despite not being as privileged.

Do you want a medal for getting other people to do stuff for you?

Original poster
gooodbye · 01/03/2023 16:20

ShimmeringShirts · 01/03/2023 16:15

It’s human nature to judge, you judge others yourself and others judge you. I absolutely judge those that can’t do anything for themselves - why do you have children when you can’t cope with life? But that’s different from someone that is having a MH crisis/going through a shitty time and needs a bit extra support before getting back on their feet and continuing on with life. The same as others judge me for not reaching out for help when I need it the most because I’ve been raised to do it all alone. It’s just different viewpoints and at the end of the day no one else matters bar yourself and your family so why get bent out of shape that others are having negative emotions?

It's a shame because you just don't know what someone is going through. So your words and judgement could really push someone to feel even worse about themselves. Maybe consider that people don't want to tell others if there struggling with MH or other issues. Stuff upper lip is still the most appropriate way with most people. You get judged if you talk about MH too I think. So people are reluctant to share.

OP posts:
Original poster
gooodbye · 01/03/2023 16:20

Babooshka1990 · 01/03/2023 16:17

@gooodbye but saying ‘some people can cope better than others’ fails to recognise how amazing and hardworking those people who get on with it through hard times when they have no help, are. People should be congratulated for doing well despite not being as privileged.

Do you want a medal for getting other people to do stuff for you?

I think that's really nasty.

Do you feel better now ?

OP posts:
Original poster
gooodbye · 01/03/2023 16:22

So people who don't cope as well are not as amazing.. you have no idea why someone may not be coping.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 01/03/2023 16:25

gooodbye · 01/03/2023 14:05

I've just been mum shamed for getting help with my children. Is it ever OK to shame someone for getting support ?

Does not needing help make you a better parent ? Am I a worse mum than you, because I have help?

That is incredibly ignorant, smug and insensitive.

We all cope with different things

I can't stand airplanes or public speaking and need a huge amount of encouragement and support with these things.

Someone else might wonder what all the fuss is about but be terrified of spiders, and need my help.

I am useless with 3 year olds.

I am great with teens

This person who spoke to you like this is going to come a major croppa at some point, and I am sure you will be lovely, and resist the temptation to point and laugh

ShimmeringShirts · 01/03/2023 16:27

@gooodbye I’ve never been judged for talking about my mental health with the appropriate people, finding out who those people are is important for anyone experiencing mental health issues. This whole be kind attitude is a lot more damaging to mental health than realising that no one owes you shit and other people don’t matter a shit. You’ll be a hell of a lot happier realising that than worrying whether or not you’re being judged because at the end of the day anyone that negatively judges you shouldn’t be part of your life and definitely isn’t worth the head space.

Clymene · 01/03/2023 16:28

I guess because I have a successful career and degrees and work, this is the thing my stay at home mum friend needs to beat me up over.

You sound charming!

User0610134057 · 01/03/2023 16:28

I think sometimes if you’re someone that just ‘gets on with it’ and has had to do stuff by yourself but survived, you can find yourself not having much time for some people who seem to have impossibly high standards for themselves or can’t seem to manage anything, eg my acquaintance who won’t let her husband stay away for one night because she can’t ‘manage’ her two well behaved children (aged 4 & 7) and doesn’t like being the only adult in the house. Also who only works 2 days a week even though kids are at school but has a cleaner and leaves him to do more than half the house and kids stuff when he’s working full time.

ProseccoOnIce · 01/03/2023 16:30

I feel the other way, OP - people who have got loads of support without any appreciation of it - and have no clue about what it is like to struggle without it.

(From a single parent working full-time).

I'd absolutely kill for support.

LonginesPrime · 01/03/2023 16:32

Is it ever OK to shame someone for getting support ?

Does it really matter whether people should judge and shame others? Some people are going to do it anyway.

You can judge them for being judgey, but it won't stop them being judgey.

Just try to stay away from people who make you feel bad, or at least limit what you share with them.

amonsteronthehill · 01/03/2023 16:33

I know people who snipe about others who have help and support. They're jealous that they don't have it and lashing out. Says more about them, really.

Original poster
gooodbye · 01/03/2023 16:35

User0610134057 · 01/03/2023 16:28

I think sometimes if you’re someone that just ‘gets on with it’ and has had to do stuff by yourself but survived, you can find yourself not having much time for some people who seem to have impossibly high standards for themselves or can’t seem to manage anything, eg my acquaintance who won’t let her husband stay away for one night because she can’t ‘manage’ her two well behaved children (aged 4 & 7) and doesn’t like being the only adult in the house. Also who only works 2 days a week even though kids are at school but has a cleaner and leaves him to do more than half the house and kids stuff when he’s working full time.

That is so far from my situation, you wouldn't believe.

But you have no idea why your friend is like that. Just let her be. You're not better than her. No one is.

OP posts:
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