Why do you need so much support ? I coped all by myself

[gooodbye]

I've just been mum shamed for getting help with my children. Is it ever OK to shame someone for getting support ?

Does not needing help make you a better parent ? Am I a worse mum than you, because I have help?

Context is everything here. I know people who seem to think others (eg the grandparents) owe them help, also know people who seem to think they are entitled to be on benefits not seeking work because they have children (no mitigating factors like sn) whereas others get no help from the family of their children despite being in a relationship.

People are ignorant dickheads. Humans are social animals, we need each other, we are not supposed to be able to cope alone

People are going to judge. End of.

If one person cannot manage to function with one child but someone else can easily manage with 4, people are going to judge.

The mother of 4 will judge because she can manage and cannot understand how the mother of one needs to have help.

The mother of one will judge the mother of 4 because although she is managing fine with 4 kids she doesn't suffer with poor mental health and also doesn't have successful career and degrees and work because she stays at home to look after her brood.

People judge eitherway.

I think the only people that can judge how good a parent you are, are you children. If getting help means you are less stressed and able to spend quality time with your children. Then you are doing a great job.

Who says people who don't work need less help. I work ft and my mh is better for it.

This is probably true.

But I never judged my friend and always respected her.

She judged me so I tried to find a reason why she may have done that and one of the reasons could be the difference in our choices. But there are also many other reasons. Perhaps lack of recognition. But personally I forever praise her about how amazing I think she is and what a good mother she is. But she probably doesn't think it's enough and needs more recognition from everyone about how much she does being a sahm.

I mean, this is all quite situation specific really, isn’t it? How much is being outsourced?

I’ve known people who have managed to avoid 95% of school runs when they had a second DC by saying how stressful it was and roping in others to help. I did judge - the school run is stressful when you have car seats and prams but come on! 🙄

My humble opinion is outsource boring housework, but when people fully outsource the rearing of their DC to others, I can’t say I don’t wonder why they bothered having them at all. By this I don’t mean standard childcare during a working day but people who farm their DC off to relatives and anybody who will have them at any given opportunity.

I'd never ever say anything but I'll admit sometimes I do think, wow they have a lot of help! I don't actually judge the amount of help I more judge when a lot of people don't acknowledge how much help they get and seem to not understand that some people don't get any.

I don't get any help from outside like grandparents etc, I'm ok with that but I definitely have friends who do not understand that when dh is working away I can't just drop the kids at their grandparents or if I'm sick then I have to carry on etc.

I agree with the people saying more context is needed. Everyone judges - it is human nature as has been mentioned many times.

It’s all dependant on the individuals involved really.

I've got a colleague at work who has elderly parents calling her all the time, then her adult daughters just texting all the time asking her to have their kids for various reasons. They really need to just get bloody organised and stop being so self centred. The people who are being asked for help all the time have lives too!

Response:

Either just do death stare and say nothing.
or
”It’s my choice”

Just to say though, I see you have later suggested it’s because she’s a SAHM. I am a SAHM and don’t judge people like she does. She’s judging and commenting because she is ignorant and rude. Not because she is a SAHM.

She judged me so I tried to find a reason why she may have done that and one of the reasons could be the difference in our choices. But there are also many other reasons. Perhaps lack of recognition. But personally I forever praise her about how amazing I think she is and what a good mother she is. But she probably doesn't think it's enough and needs more recognition from everyone about how much she does being a sahm

Maybe she isn't finding it as easy as she makes out. Maybe she judges because she finds it easy and figures that you should too. Maybe she needs you to know how hard she has it compared to you because she really does feel hard done by. Maybe she resentful because you get more free time than she does or you get help with housework and she doesn't...it's hard to know without knowing how much help you are actually getting.

So true!! So much of this 'well I did it and didn't have any help' is a massive race to the bottom. The patriarchy is likely behind it somewhere, very effective way to make sure women stay in their place.

It could be jealousy at the help you've had or unconsciously they desperately wish someone would give them recognition for how well they coped with no support. Either way, not your fault. Ignore them and move on.

I honestly don’t think it’s about thinking you’re better than anyone, just about finding it hard to relate

Hi Op
I bet this other woman didn't have enough support herself and is projecting (inflicting her own issues with what she went through,

No person is an island, we all need support in our lives sometimes in our lives,

It's not good /not healthy to struggle on and become unwell

Don't listen to her Bull shit Op

I would just ignore OP, in your position.
They are possibly jealous?
I would not further comment on my childcare or life arrangements with this person.

On another note, I have an acquitance that brags at times about the help she gets. I do not say brag lightly. She looks at me (I live in a different country to my family) like I must be pittied.
She had her mother ironing for her and her partner, even before having children. Cooking. All sorts. Now that she got children, childcare.
I do not care, it is none of my business, but I never got why she looks my way with a sneer when she says this.
I do all the house keeping with my husband and all the childcare, plus we both work full time. No family help. I suppose that is the reason.
I never have raised to it, but in my mind I think I would not want my mother to do my housework. She did keep a house and worked when she was young, raising three children; now is her time to have a rest, go out to have coffee, hobbies..... I would not want her (is always the mother, not the father...) to do my housework. Yes, to help with the children if she is happy too, but I know she would love and enjoy that.
Some people are really judgy of others and they must feel somehow superior by putting it in words. I think they are just really impolite.

You need to give an example. We dont have support so everything is a juggle (same for our parents who didnt live close to family too).

If you live close to family, then ofcourse you are going to take some help from time to time. Why wouldn’t you make life abit easier? The only time I would see it as a problem is if you were perhaps complaining to a Mum who had no support. I have had friends tell me they’ve never had the kids on their own at the weekend before (despite knowing I have that all the time).

I think it comes from jealousy. Humans are social creatures and we were meant to grow up in villages and help watch each others kids. Not these industrialized nightmares were we are divided and conquered. My family is in the united states and I get very little help watching mine. If I could have more support I would take it in a heart beat! Don’t let anymore shame you for getting the help you need. 😌

It sounds like the person who said that is envious; they had to cope by their self through no choice of their own. I bet given half the chance they would have accepted support too! Op hold your head up high, and take pride in not being a martyr!

I could certainly have done with some help when I was a skint single parent, I really struggled to pay for childcare and work full time.
My mother absolutely refused to help despite the fact she made me look after her three children from her second marriage from age 12 to when I left home because she "couldn't cope".
Why is it a bad thing to help out? Id certainly help with DS kids if he had any.

I hear you…same boat here. No sick days ever and spinning plates 365 days of the year! 😅

On these things it depends on the situation. People shouldn't judge, but do, it's human. Most people have the tact to keep their opinions to themselves though.

Some people sound bitter and judgey when they rush to the bottom with 'i had no support so everyone should manage'. They don't appreciate that having a nice village of people makes life nicer and seem to think everyone should struggle because they did.

On the other hand the people who go on about how difficult everything is for them when they've outsourced most of their domestic responsibilities, have their children at childcare/family, have family running around when a lightbulb needs changing are also tone deaf and annoying to listen to. These people are almost always quick to act like they have a rough and are also quick to assume people are obviously jealous of them.

Why do you feel shame?

On the other hand the people who go on about how difficult everything is for them when they've outsourced most of their domestic responsibilities, have their children at childcare/family, have family running around when a lightbulb needs changing are also tone deaf and annoying to listen to. These people are almost always quick to act like they have a rough and are also quick to assume people are obviously jealous of them.

Agree.