Why do you need so much support ? I coped all by myself

[gooodbye]

I've just been mum shamed for getting help with my children. Is it ever OK to shame someone for getting support ?

Does not needing help make you a better parent ? Am I a worse mum than you, because I have help?

@ProseccoOnIce absolutely. Mums with help MUST know you work 10x harder really. Then they feel inadequate and have to bitch ‘there’s nothing wrong with having help don’t shame me’ 🙄

What kind of help are you talking about?

Some mums I know have daily help from their parents to look after kids, and regularly send their kids overnight to grandparents. Grandparents buy the children clothes, take them on holidays, hospital spots, days out etc.

This isn’t bringing up your kids “on your own” in my opinion, this is having 3 or even 4 parents in the family, whether they’re mum and dad or gran and grandad.

I’ve done it “on my own” not out of choice, and I’d bite your hand off if you offered to help me.

Sounds like jealousy talking to me OP!

Mumsnet is judgey. Isn't that the whole point of aibu for people to judge?

Yanbu and its a horrible comment to make. My sister is a single mum to 2 and she's fantastic, does get help from family members but always on top of everything and is organised. I'm a married mum of 2 and regularly feel overwhelmed and comment how hard it is and she has never thrown it in my face. Don't like the comment get you down x

@ItsCalledAConversation absolutely some Grandparents do take
on the parenting role. I feel it really takes the cake when those parents then insist they don’t have it any easier (which they always do)

Those that appear to be ‘inept at life’ are often struggling with poorly understood hidden disabilities or MH issues. Just saying.

Unless they are the person helping you then just ignore them. Surely wanting the nicest life is better than a race to have the shittest existence.

I don't have that. My parents live a few continents away.

They come over maybe 3 times a year for a couple of weeks and help / keep company so I'm not as alone.

I don't have any other support. MyDH works away a lot and long hours when he's around.
He does nothing and even when he's home one day a week at most, he doesn't help much at all. It's very depressing.

I do all Night wakings, all nursery drop offs, all bed times, all dinners and basically everything for my kids.

I'm now back at work full time and I have hired a nanny.
I get lonely more than anything tbh.

I also have serious health issues and I've been suffering PND. ( she doesn't know that I have PND ).

My friend was judging because my parents come over and really help me when they're here.

I didn't want to have to write my situation because it was more about the principle for me, but there.

Bravo 👍

That would be my first thought if I met someone who was struggling.

No point in using good time worrying. Comments like that are usually made by people who don't realise / understand / comprehend (pick whichever word you like best) that we are all different. What one person can cope with will floor another, and vice versa.

There will always be someone ready to ask that question and then tell you that they did ALL that you do, but they were a lone parent with twice as many kids AND they did a distance learning degree at the same time while having a side business that brought in 50k a year. Oh, and they are a size 10 and are perfectly manicured...

Just ignore and carry on, or compare and despair.

I think this is a difficult thread to respond to - you haven't said how your friend "judged" you, or for what, really, you've been quite vague. So no one can tell you if they'd judge you similarly because we don't know the circumstances, and no one can say if you're a better or worse mother because we don't know what your, or her, life is like.

I would say on the whole it's safest to not pass negative comment on how someone else organises their life. But, usually friends and family are a different case, and you're expected to be that guy that tells them the hard truth. Whether your friend was being unreasonable or not depends upon whether this was one of those times, and whether they fall in the first category or the second to you.

In all honesty I think it fully depends on situation. Me a 24 year old single mum who's parents are both in there 60s has almost 0 support with two children under three.

my cousin in good health married to a man in good health had two children primary school age. And they have the kids stay at my aunties every Friday and Saturday. Aswell as my 64 year old auntie taking the children to school doing a cleaning job and picking them up whilst the childrens dad works from home.

I will 100% say I roll my eyes at them however I can tell you now it is coming from a place of complete jelousy. As I would love to be able to have the support which is available to them.

I think tbh everyone can cope if you had to but everyone would use the support if it was available it's all relative.

Maybe if she had received some support, she might be a nicer person by now.

Just a thought (of which you might want to remind her next time she says something shitty).

It’s coming from a place of jealousy- she wants the help too. We all do - I have a cleaner because it frees up my spare time so that I can take the kids to a park rather than have them sat in front of the TV for a couple of hours while I do the housework. Yes I could do that but I like that I don’t have to. My parents babysit sometimes so DH and I can go out for a meal- yes we could stay at home and cook but we enjoy going out. Only someone jealous would begrudge us that.

Yes we are privileged- we are grateful for that but not apologetic.

Your friend needs to get a life. There is nothing abnormal about the level of help you're getting.

I have to say I agree with this statement

@gooodbye

just been mum shamed

Even as a stranger on the internet, who knows c nothing about you other than that you are a mother, I'm completely sure that you have nothing to be ashamed of.

It says much more about whoever gave you their entirely unwanted and irrelevant opinion than it says about you.

You are doing a great job as mum to your lovely DC. Mother more , nothing less.

Well I'd say when you're a SAHM to a single child of school age but still need a cleaner? That sort of thing.

Personally, I couldn't give two shits about what 'help' a person deems they need so long as they're not trying to coerce me into being their unpaid childcare or whatever.

Sometimes people need help.

Sometimes people are good and bad at different things.

Some people would rather you break yourself into a million tearful pieces than sort out what you need to get through. Because of them and how things worked for them they want others to fail and suffer.

Fuck those people. No seriously, FUCK those people. They're idiots. Do what you have to do and if you can get help you need rejoice in the fact.

I think I remember your previous thread. I am glad you have finally got a nanny. Your friends views likely come from a place of resentment and jealousy. Ignore her

That’s really fair and self aware. Respect to you.

And in answer to the OP- take no notice too. Strength is asking for how when you really need it.

*help

gooodbye
Your friends are being arseholes.

In your situation you've made appropriate childcare arrangements for yours and your DH's job, and when your family visit they help you (which most pleasant families would do, why would you visit family and sit on your bum expecting to be waited on?).

I don't think this is really about people having support or not, and it's more likely your friends are being mean due to your childcare arrangements and associated assumptions about nannies.

No prizes for struggling