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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find DH’s army stories a bit cringy?

141 replies

Thistledew · 01/03/2023 00:50

In practically any social situation, DH likes to tell stories about his time in the army- the training he did, the people he encountered etc. These are somewhat amusing/interesting/entertaining, but not hugely so. They are his memoirs, rather than being particularly meaningful.

What I find a bit cringy is that he was in the army over 20 years ago, and when I say ‘in the army’, he completed the basic training at the military academy at Sandhurst and left at the end without seeing any active service because he decided he hated army life (fair enough). So ‘the army’ was for him little more than a glorified finishing school.

I just feel a bit embarrassed when he shoehorns a story about the army into practically every social situation we are in, but wonder if IABU?

OP posts:
LadyMary50 · 01/03/2023 15:29

Ringmaster27 · 01/03/2023 11:10

@HurryShadow I’m sorry your dad is struggling.
It’s not uncommon for service members to be totally fine in the initial aftermath of an event, but then the trauma rears its head during a time of stress years later.
Happened with both myself, dad and my cousin. All appeared “fine” for years. Then totally out of the blue, started exhibiting symptoms of PTSD.
PTSD U.K. are an amazing organisation who’ve offered invaluable support to me and my dad.

Read the post,he was never ‘in’the army he never finished basic training…

GoldenGorilla · 01/03/2023 15:40

@LadyMary50 - maybe you should try reading the posts? The section you quoted was addressed to somebody who’s dad did serve, not to the OP.

Crumpledstilstkin · 01/03/2023 15:57

How dull. I used to work with someone like this, did a bit of digging after a while and turned out it was pretty much all made up. Do you have other issues with him? This sort of thing is usually tip of the iceberg behaviour.

Ringmaster27 · 01/03/2023 15:58

@LadyMary50 i wasn’t addressing the original poster 🙃

Ohjustboreoff · 01/03/2023 16:17

Oh god my DF is exactly like this, he's in his 80's and did his National Service. He talks about remembering Doodle Bugs flying over London and all the duties and places he went before he was demobbed. You'd think that with the amount of time he speaks about it he was in for his entire life. Very Uncle Albert! He wears veteran badges and patches, he's made it his whole persona.
I hate going out with him around Remembrance day as he will tell everyone he was in the Army.

Onnabugeisha · 01/03/2023 16:20

YANBU
Sounds more like he washed out of boot camp than chose to leave. He’s an Army reject, not a veteran, so he really shouldn’t he showboating.

MeridianB · 01/03/2023 16:23

I think this is good pick-up, OP. Because while some 'civilians' may love the anecdotes, the minute someone currently or recently serving hears them, he stands a good chance of being ridiculed (or labelled a 'Walter Mitty').

I think you're right to worry that the thing he prioritises to share about himself is so far in the past. Can you refocus him on some more recent achievements?

DemonSpawn · 01/03/2023 16:24

Forces people think the forces are everything and that they have done something worthwhile. The rest of us couldn’t give a flying feck of course.

SecretVictoria · 01/03/2023 16:25

LemonTreeSkies · 01/03/2023 01:47

"During the war..!!"

“During the 1939-1935 conflict with Germany!”

🤣🤣🤣

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/03/2023 16:26

DP did three years and left due to MH issues. Every thing comes back to the bloody army....every story comes back to the army, the reason he gets up and gets dressed to his shoes (v annoying), every anecdote....

But he left 25 years ago so has spent 6 times longer out than in!!

I think there is something that it does to people who were in, I have often likened it to brainwashing. Which when you think about it, it is.

rogueone · 01/03/2023 16:27

He shoulD be ashamed of himself trying to make out he is a hero when he merely
did some training and left - I didn’t even know my grampa fought in the war until he was 92 as my sister was trying to get his medals replaced. He never once talked about it as he found it distressing as he lost so many in the war and saw horrendous things

billy1966 · 01/03/2023 16:28

ACynicalDad · 01/03/2023 12:17

I'd just say after every story, "if you had that much fun it's so strange you didn't take your commission" sooner or later he'll stop, especially if you do it in front of friends.

This.

Do it in private first though....give him a warning taste...😁

Sounds tedious for all concerned.

DonnaBanana · 01/03/2023 16:28

He's dead now but my grandad was like this back in the day. Always wanging on about the things he got up to during WW2 and the time shortly thereafter. No one cared.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/03/2023 16:29

MeridianB · 01/03/2023 16:23

I think this is good pick-up, OP. Because while some 'civilians' may love the anecdotes, the minute someone currently or recently serving hears them, he stands a good chance of being ridiculed (or labelled a 'Walter Mitty').

I think you're right to worry that the thing he prioritises to share about himself is so far in the past. Can you refocus him on some more recent achievements?

DP moans about Walter Mitty's but doesnt see the irony of him going on about his time in, when it was relatively short and so long ago!

Throwncrumbs · 01/03/2023 16:33

My husband was in the army, he has never talked about it and he saw/was involved in conflict. Someone who has served in the forces and seen action do not talk about it in everyday life. People who pretend at it and just do the training and then leave and talk about are blowing their own trumpet without any cause, I would call them out everytime!

Throwncrumbs · 01/03/2023 16:36

Actually this would give me the ick!

InPraiseOfBacchus · 01/03/2023 16:36

DemonSpawn · 01/03/2023 16:24

Forces people think the forces are everything and that they have done something worthwhile. The rest of us couldn’t give a flying feck of course.

1- No they don't, what a weird generalisation. 2 - That's nice for "the rest of us", I guess, whoever they are.

Shlomping1234 · 01/03/2023 16:39

My ex used to do this. Even using military sayings and slang. I used to tell him he sounded ridiculous as he's never been in the army or even military college. He'd pipe up ' but my brother did' aye you're not your brother you pillock 🤣

Weddingcorker · 01/03/2023 16:53

I've name changed for this as its totally outing.

Between us, DH and I have done 40 years in military service ( Iraq, Afghanistan, N. Ireland, Sierra Leone, you get the idea). I was commissioned, my DH was a WO1.

We went to a wedding once, Dh and I are sat at a table next to a really annoying guy who was married to someone who I think saw herself as a bit of a queen bee type. I knew her from school many years ago and she was always telling everyone how great she was and how perfect her family were.

Anyway, this guy starts mouthing off to me about his time in the service and how great he was and how they just couldn't see his potential. That he was smarter than them and too good for it all. You get the idea.

So I start asking a few questions, just gently finding out what he did ( he has no idea about our backgrounds at this point). As he tells me he gets more and more boastful thinking he's being impressive. Turns out he did basic training and then got kicked out during trade training. He's telling me how all officers are shit and how he was so much better, knew more, had more common sense. Digging deeper and deeper. Anyway, when he stops for breath he asks me what I do (thinking he's impressed me) and I say 'I'm in the military', he looks shocked, then asks what I do, I say I'm a commissioned officer, at which point the blood is visibly draining from his face. He then tries to back track by saying he meant all Warrant Officers are crap, so trying to change the subject he leans over to my DH and asks what he does. My DH, who has been sat there with a wry smile on his face looks him in the eye and says 'I'm a Warrant Officer in the Army'. The guy looked so stunned he literally couldn't speak, went very quiet and was quite pale. I'm guessing in all the years he's been telling the story he's not been in this situation before. I actually felt sorry for him.

When his wife, who hadn't been aware of the conversation at this point, starts trying to big her husband up in front of us, he does frantic cutting motions to his throat saying ' these guys are in the military' and then starts trying to big us up.

Honestly, it was hilarious. Almost like something from a film. We've had a good laugh about that one for years.

We took pity on the guy and ended up being quite nice to him, but he was very sheepish after that.

daretodenim · 01/03/2023 16:56

If he'd actually served and especially if he'd seen action I would have no problem with him talking about it ad nauseum. I had a relative who had experienced some awful things and did occasionally say things, especially when he was drunk (I'm certain he had undiagnosed PTSD). I have a lot of sympathy for people, usually it's men, who leave the armed forces and deeply miss the bond they had with fellow men (and occasionally women), or dead friends, and talk about them a lot. Although that's rare.

But the situation like your DH, well, he's just embarrassing himself. If you want to be nice about it, it may be an idea to point out that he talks about that year (or two?) of his life a bit too much.

OopsAnotherOne · 01/03/2023 17:04

Oof OP, that would wind me up! It's the same as when someone shoehorns their "traveling" into every conversation, the memories, the experiences, the culture, the "finding myself", the soul searching, before you realise they actually spent 2 weeks in New Zealand 10 years ago. It's like.....if you'd spent a few years backpacking around Asia then I'd listen to what you're saying but mate you've just been telling me about your holiday!

He's essentially taking all of the perceived glory and admiration given to our troops for himself, despite never seeing service. My Dad also completed the training, basic and further, I can't exactly remember what training it was specifically but he completed it before leaving and getting a civilian job as he decided the military wasn't for him. The reason I can't remember what training he did was because he never mentions it because he wasn't actually in the army! I never saw combat, never did any tours, never acted in his capacity as a "soldier", he dropped out around the same time as your DH did. The only time my dad mentions his time in the army is when someone asks him about his career or how he got into it, as the story starts with "well I signed up for the army but decided that wasn't for me.....". That's all is needed.

I'd personally say to your DH "gosh you go on about the army as if you did several tours of Afghanistan, you do know you only did the training, right?" to shut him up. Preferably in front of people he's telling the stories to.

LakeTiticaca · 01/03/2023 17:09

Is he "bloating" his service, ie: elaborating to his audience that he had more service than he actually did? If so anyone who has actually served would catch him.out quite quickly.
I worked with a guy who mentioned on a regular basis that he had served in the navy, and was very particular how things were done on our line of work. He told me it was because of his navy service.
I later discovered he had left the navy 30 years ago after 1 year of service!!!

Ludo19 · 01/03/2023 17:10

I knew a guy like this. He'd served in the paras. I knew his stories so well, I felt like I had served along side him.

girlfriend44 · 01/03/2023 17:10

DonnaBanana · 01/03/2023 16:28

He's dead now but my grandad was like this back in the day. Always wanging on about the things he got up to during WW2 and the time shortly thereafter. No one cared.

Perhaps he didn't care about what others were talking about either.

Emmamoo89 · 01/03/2023 17:14

Yanbu