Dh doesn’t want another child.. with me.

[Indoorvoicesbluey]

I’m 33 and so is my Dh. We have one 6year old dd and I have two from a previous marriage aged 14&13. He is an amazing dad and treats them all the same. Older two do not have contact with their biological dad.

we’ve been together 9 years.

for some absolutely insane reason I’m broody. No idea why, and no idea where it has came from.

at dinner tonight we was talking about dd6 as a baby and I joked saying “don’t, I’m so broody” dd15 chirps in “please have another”.

dh says absolutely noway on this earth.
I then ask if he would have another if we ever touch wood divorced. He said yes. Because it probably just be him and her and they could have a child. I said you have child/ren and he replied but would only 50% of the time.

im upset but also angry. Who thinks like that?

Give OP a break, she’s explained the background to why she said it. No need to start being mean by purposefully misinterpreting what she’s saying.

In the circle of people i know for some reason there is a difference in the relationship between full and half siblings, when it comes to adult half siblings the contact is bare minimum or (nearly)none at all,when i have asked about it answer along the lines of we just share a mother and nothing else (of course it wont apply to every family)

Sounds like you laid a hypothetical trap for him. I don't think you can reasonably be upset at the hypothetical response.

You asked a hypothetical question and he answered on the spot.

YANBU to be a bit upset by it, but you did ask.

It's a weird situation that is probably never going to happen - and if it did, there would be a lot of complexities and it may not play out like that anyway!

Try not to be upset by hypotheticals that are very unlikely and maybe don't ask those sorts of questions - just enjoy what you have.

I can see why he doesn't want another baby in your current situation when you already have three.

@Bloopsie yeah that's unusual. I have a large number of siblings and my half sister is my closest by far even though we're not the closest in age or distance

Then count your blessings, because he's been incredibly good to you and your kids!

Which is why my bpd plays up because I know he’s amazing

You are raising three kids ! I think
its admirable he doesn’t want enough as he is raising three (as his own) and that is a lot to handle, especially financially later on when they all want university and cars.
dont take this personally OP, I think he is thinking logically rather than emotionally as you are.

‘Ask stupid questions, get stupid answers’ springs to mind, altho I don’t mean that in a horrible way, just that there isn’t really a ‘happy’ outcome to a hypothetical question about divorce is there? I’d probably have been a bit annoyed too, but he probably just answered off the cuff without thinking it through.

there are differences between full and half siblings, not so much from the biology but from the circumstances. It’s often particularly acute for paternal half siblings.

Full siblings tend to live together all the time. Their families and family lives are the same. Half siblings only live together some of the time, and they have whole parts of their families and lives that do not overlap at all. A half sibling (often with a big age difference) who you see every other weekend, and who may live a very different life in the time they’re with their mum, is a very different prospect to a full sibling who is just always there. Even more so if the nonresident half sibling openly rejects your mum and may even resent having a half sibling at all.

Then there’s the simple fact that, even in nuclear families, siblings may be more or less close. Sharing parents doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to be firm friends for life. It will be the same for some half siblings, even if the circumstances were more conducive to a close sibling bond.

The main difference is that, where people know it’s a stepfamily - so half siblings rather than full - they tend to notice the problems rather than the positives. There’s a great deal of confirmation bias based on a deeply held societal view that stepfamilies are inherently negative (it does tend to be stepfamilies that are framed as the problem rather than the relationship breakdowns that laid the ground for them).

I think the main issue is that you have asked a silly hypothetical question that he couldn’t have answered well.

He answered honestly about how he thinks he’d feel in that hypothetical situation, but the most important thing is that it’s totally hypothetical. There is no reason whatsoever to worry about the circumstances you asked about. Is there?

Try to focus on what you do have. You have a family with a committed and caring husband, who has taken on responsibility for your older children. You have children who spend time with each other and deeply care about each other. Another baby would be too much for your husband in the situation you’re in. And that’s ok. Isn’t it?

What age are you? Is it likely that the broodiness is your body’s last ditch attempt before menopause? That is a thing for lots of women.

The question was not thought out. You shouldn't have asked jt and he shouldn't have answered it, especially in front of the children.

Hypothetically op, if you did divorce and you met someone else, would you want another baby?

There’s nothing hypothetical about it, she was married, did divorce and have another baby.

It is hypothetical because it would be talking about this marriage not marriages in general.

It’s not a generalisable thing. The OP divorced, remarried and had another child in one set of circumstances. What seems a reasonable course of action if this relationship broke down may be entirely different.

The if indicates it’s hypothetical.

I get that but she’s condemning him for answering a hypothetical question which would only be applicable presumably if this relationship broke down, he’s not just going to impregnate some random woman whilst still married because he wants a child but not with her.
In her reality she has done the very thing that he hypothetically may or may not do. She was married, had 2 children, divorced, remarried and had another child. Which is what happens more often than not but she doesn’t like the fact that his hypothetical life could be marry, have child, divorce, remarry and have another child.
I imagine that when the OP entered her first marriage and started her family she didn’t envision a third child with another man but had her first husband asked ‘hypothetically do you think you would have a child with another man if we weren’t together anymore’ her answer might have been yes.

People like to invent their own wee backstory on MN

Which child has no bio siblings? They all have the same Mom. Did you think they picked one from under the gooseberry Bush?

The older ones are 14 and 13, 4 and 5 years away from Uni / college etc, potentially a decade from financial independence and he's a shit guy cos he seemingly wants to make sure they can keep providing for all their kids for the next decade onwards? I'll all up for high standards but I don't think someone who takes on two kids who aren't his, who commits to being their Dad and doesn't feel the need to have more bio children to push them out the nest deserves your condescension

She HAD awful debt, over 7 years ago. Past tense.

Definitely no debt now, we both work hard to have a good life.

Your title is misleading because in this imaginary scenario you're divorced. In reality you're together with your 2 and your shared child in the home full time. I think what hes saying is he would prefer to live in a 'family household' so with kids around fulltime, not that he wouldn't want a child with you!

If you wanna play ridiculous hyperthetical scenarios go for you 2 bein divorced but he has fulltime custody of youngest. His new wife has one child that lives eith you and yours...
Or maybe all your kids are killed in a mystery fire but you two survive. Would he want more.
Yes, thats as ridiculous as it sounds. Ask him too if he'd chose your best friend or your sister for his new wife and why...

"I don't want any more kids" 😆

Broodiness is a weird thing - it really messed with my head at times and I can totally relate to the conversation you described and the ruminating afterwards!

I got twisted up in a couple of hypothetical knots too. Then it vanished and dh was organising a vasectomy and I was ping ponging from a quiet sob that there’d be no more babies to fear that it might fail.

Give it time and you’ll laugh about it!

My response was about your response about the remortgage

Remortgaging to pay £50k university fees. I don’t think many people have that in savings.

@Indoorvoicesbluey

So you have 2 teenagers (that aren't his) and a 6 year old and if you had a baby that would be 4 full time

If your partner left he'd have "his" 6 year old some of the time and a baby with new partner
So 1 and 1 part time

Surely you can see the difference between 4 kids and 1 and shared custody 🤦🏻‍♀️ what's difficult about that??